NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi bluebell so sorry to hear about your struggle. Gambling and depression seem to have strong links in my experience. I'm going to try some mood stablisers next week to try and stay in control of my emotions.

Lethe and A. You are right. I have had a week or two more than her to process the dramatic change in our life... My wife must still be getting her head round it all. I guess talking to loan companies on the phone in front of her brought it all home. I'll talk to her again about help externally.

Had a dream about winning the money I lost back incrementally over a period of a month... Honestly... #:o( When I woke up so disappointed with myself. The scary thing is once upon a time I would have acted on this dream.

Right now I'm in this limbo state where I feel great for finally doing something about this addiction but sick to the stomach when I think about my most recent escapade and how it has damaged my family. Talk about ambivalence...

Anyway day 16 done. Bring on tomorrow.

Hi lecroupier, thank you for your message, I agree the bluebell is a beautiful wild flower , Hi to you signalman good luck with medication, only it did not stop me acually it made me dream of winning my millions on the green bean 0... 100% believed my luck was going to change , madness now when I think about it, To easy to get lost in the world of gambling, wish you lots of luck in your recovery ,

struggling tonight to stay away from the online casino, it is usually this time of night I kill all funds available to me, I have never really been one for gaming and the tv bores me to tears, I struggle so much to sleep I really do not know how to focus my mind on any thing else, All I I feel is a massive pull to the roullette wheel, arrr what is wrong with me ? I know the casino always wins !!!!!! making me feel so ill ..

Hi Bluebell, have been in your shoes, all you are saying many of us on here experience the same. There ain’t no easy fix, the pull you’re feeling, the struggle to sleep it’s what I’ve felt hundreds of times, and when I’ve caved in and gambled and done my hard earned cash, I’m sickened yet again, a never ending circle of self harm. I don’t want to keep hurting myself and I’m sure as hell you don’t otherwise you wouldn’t be here,.. you have made a step by coming on this site and opening Up, now you fight really begins, you are a decent person who has a gambling problem like the rest of us you want to do something about it and you will find the grit and determination to put it under control, don’t keep hurting your self, turn it round and hurt the fuxxxn addiction, don’t let addiction have its way, it’s you, you’re the one in control, find the strength in you, dig in and hold. Bluebell, you should start your own diary and post on it as much as possible, people on here will see you easily and you will get a lot of advice from them, at the moment you’re just posting on signalmans diary, we all post on each other’s but have a thread of our own, it’s confusing when we first come on here and i had never been a member of a site like this before, start a thread and many people will find you. Regards, Rainman

thanks Rainman, I had no idea I was on Signalmans thread appologies to you signalman, , will get to grips with this site , having poblems with focus and direction finding even the simpleist of things a drama at the moment, I will take your advice and try my best to fight this addiction, I know I have made the first steps and opening up to people in same situation as me is already given me more determinatation to heal and focus on the future, cutting your loses is sickening to think about the money lost really kicks a punch as it does for all of us , wish every body luck on here , Bluebell

Bluebell, ya know, i struggled with the money that has gone, I’ve had businesses ,properties , new cars, vans, even a cabin cruiser and money left to me by my mother , not to mention 2 failed marriages, but it’s gone, i have nothing left, but i do still have my self respect, i do still believe in myself, i will get back up and i will be in a good place, i will make it happen, I won’t cry about the past cos it will hold me back, i will not forget the past but only because i will learn from it, although i have some health problems that have caught up with me, i ain’t gonna let them stop me niether, i want concrete ground to work from, i have created that, now it’s one thing at a time, but always set the mind not to gamble, never forget it because it will put me straight back in the gutter and i ain’t having that again, we’re going forward , not standing still, not going back, we ain’t going down again. Start your new topic and drop me a post. You will come through this, you can do it. Guard Up. Rainman

Hi bluebell

Don't worry about posting on my thread. It's great that you're posting. You're not alone in the way you feel. Right now you remind me of how desperate I felt when I blew all my money. You can only go upwards from here. Please get support, put some tight blocks in place to prevent you from spending money on gambling then after that, if needed you can tend to the securing of finances. Please put blocks in though. They are the thing that saved me when I was days into all this.

Keep posting and doing practical things to overcome addiction. If you sit and stare at it - it will come back and bite you. You can do this.

As for me... First day back from holiday. Not a good start. Day 17 and couldn't get out of bed until midday. What is wrong with me... I guess reality hit me. Spent most of the night dreaming about remortgaging the house to give me a clean slate. I'm just so fed up of feeling this way. Must turn the day around. Work starts again on Monday... Need to be ready.

Good luck all.

Was just thinking bluebell... To lead on from your point about cutting losses... I think my mood is swallowed up each morning as my son wakes me up early to play and wants food. Of course the first thing I think is how I've let him down and all the things I could've bought him with money lost. However if I roll over and go back to bed I'm failing him again... was thinking about what you said and I think we both need to forget about the money, it's gone... And just focus one day at a time on being the best people we can be. That's all we can do for now... And maybe forever.

Hi Signalman :)).

" Wiping the slate clean " ?........... In my opinion a dirty slate's great , don't try and clean it , wipe it or even vacuum it as it'll just give you the green light to start gambling again .

Again just my take on thing's but " Learn to live alongside that dirty old slate " with money honestly earn't it will begin to fade in time, it'll keep you safe showing where you were and as it decreases " How for youv'e come " :)) .

Look at you on the way to three weeks :)) Well done buddy !!!!.

Thanks so much A9. Actually someone else on here made that same point about keeping your mistakes in the periphery at all times to as a reminder of what has happened and where you've got to... Ok I'll take that on board. Learning to live and let live seems to be the thing I'm struggling with. I keep coming up with quick fixes (most unrealistic) then when not enacting them I get depressed and fall into an emotional hole...

I thought a lot about my dad today and our fractured relationship. He wasn't great and pretty much did the same thing as I have done to our family when we were of a similar age - he didn't gamble though, he just lived way outside of our means and in the end he couldn't put food on the table and we had to eat at my uncles house and my uncle even bought us school uniforms. Due to his inner madness my dad wasn't a nice guy to be around to say the least.

Its like a stake to the heart to think I have let history repeat itself to an extent. I always promised I would try to be a better man and father than he was. This is probably a lot of the reason I end up in a hole - when I dwell on what I have done. My dad was too proud to seek help and repeated the same mistakes over and over again. I hope by being humble and receiving the help and support I can get on top of this and be the man I want to be again. It feels like starting over right now but I will try to get there.

Thanks as always A9. I appreciate your support so much. I do worry that I perpetually moan and begrudge myself for what has happened... Which doesn't make for pleasant reading and may begin to bore and grate some people. Thank you for sticking by me and always accepting what I say, how I feel and spinning me the right way round again with your insights.

Your not moaning Buddy , it's just getting it out there instead of bottling those feelings up till they explode into another gambling meltdown and I know which I'd prefer ?? :)).

You may not see yet but your post's are coming across less " Poor me " , which is alway's a good sign so take a positive from that and also the day's youv'e racked up so far , at the beggining of this you couldn't imagine yourself doing 17 hrs withoiut a bet so progress indeed :))

As far as your dad is concerned well ................... You don't have to be your parent's do you ? and as your already seeking help which your dad didn't then that means your not following the same pattern ? Another positive ??.

I wouldn't judge your dad too harshly though as I don't think it was the done thing then to seek help in the way it is accepted today and perhaps it wasn't that easy to find the help we can today ? .

From my own experience with my dad who I have no doubt loved me ,didn't show much emotion at all when it came to love and mum was the one but I know he had a pretty loveless upbringing from his parent's and I recently found out through an old paper cutting that my grandad had been beaten with an iron bar and locked in cupboards as a youngster , so you can see how it was sort of passed on if youv'e never had affection ? . That's why I always make sure my kids still get hug's and a kiss and me telling them that I love them and there 23 and 33yrs old :)) .

Look after yourself Buddy and enjoy the weekend :))

Thank you A9. Thanks as always for the boost.

Day 18 today. Started thinking about winning money again last night so spent an hour reading success stories forum before bedtime. Also read a story about a guy who gave in to addiction and now sleeps rough on the streets with a drink and drug addiction.

Funnily enough I slept well last night and by no coincidence I dreamt of a brighter future. Found it slightly easier to get up in the morning.

What I'm thinking today is maybe its darn good luck in a way that I fell short at this point and have the capacity to rebuild and start again. Some people who I read about go deeper and deeper into addiction and lose it all... to the point of no return... Lose house, family, friends, health, dreams, ambitions + any hope of returning to normality. For some addiction becomes the norm and they can never let go of it.

Addiction is so scary and seems to be rife within society. I don't know why the NHS doesn't drive an initiative on addiction rehabilitation even though it is limited in its resources these days. I read about the Focus 12 rehabilitation project which sounds amazing... Just such a shame these sorts of projects are few and far between.

Anyway day 18... Last day before back to work. Gonna make it count and theme for the day is counting myself as one of the lucky ones.

I think every day is becoming slightly easier to manage and ever so slowly I'm starting to forgive myself. So anyone reading this on day 1... Have faith in the recovery process.