NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Thanks A9. I think the blocks thing is daunting isn't it. Time waits for no man... Every moment I spend dwelling on what has happened and the future - time is lost. I feel like I am slipping away from reality. She is very keen for me to get the help for my feelings and headspace which I will do.

My whole life has been turned upside down. However I don't regret telling her. Loan companies keep ringing me after my weekend of frantically calling them. Batting them away whenever they ring.

Yes I can't do this alone. I realise that now. Thanks again for all the support and taking time to check on me while you're working.

Sounds stupid but what if something goes wrong like my son gets ill or my wife or something breaks in the house and it needs to be fixed... How will I cope... I have nothing left to give at the moment. No strength.

What if’s don’t need to be worried about really , just the moment your in for today will do , no need to worry about things that haven’t happened just what has ? . Have you heard back from the bank yet ? If not and finance is a problem then maybe you need to seek advice from CAB or someone like stepchange or you could be direct with any loan companies that are pressing you and either tell them the truth and that you need some time or offer them a reduced payment ? You never know most will be glad of something rather than nothing? But as I said if it’s going to be a massive issue you need professional guidance . I managed to switch mine to initially low apr cards and ad it’s gome down then to interest free because as the debt reduced and I wasn’t spending on them anymore the card companies gave me better deals , so even that improved the longer I stopped gambling :)) . I’d talk things over with your wife so that anything you undertake is jointly agreed. Just set your self a target to at least deal with one issue a day and that will start freeing up space in your head as things become resolved one day at a time :))

Hello signal man,

These are early days for you, and you’ve done remarkably well and have made some great strides. Putting it all out there has taken some great strength so begone any thoughts that you’ve got nothing to give. It looks a scary world when we take our head out of the sand and start facing upto reality and living amongst our emotions rather than using the anesthetise of gambling. It’s a natural and necessary way of rediscovering ones self in having to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions you find yourself in. Patience isn’t a virtue of us cg’s but it really is something that requires working on, so taking it a moment at a time is good.

I do agree in getting out there and talking to other people who have been through the same is both therapeutic and cathartic, it also adds to life skills.

Keep it up signalman and I wish you strength and honor

Thank you so much volcano. I just got off the phone to Stepchange. It was a harrowing but helpful experience.

I'm going to be really honest now. I think part of the reason I told my wife was to open up the possibility of a remortgage to clear my debt, start again... A quick fix. Its how my evil conniving gambling mind works I think. I just been told we probably won't qualify for remortgage as she has only been self-employed for 6 months.

After the call it dawned on me that I'm still prioritising the debt and not thinking about looking after myself and my family first. I think I'm just going to service the loan in front of me... Prepare myself for a long road ahead but at least it remains just my problem and I'm not burdening anyone else with it.

I'm so glad I rang Stepchange even if I didn't get the answer I'm looking for. Suddenly I feel resilient. I need to push the debt repayment down the list of my priorities right now and just focus on looking after my mental state and the welfare of those dearest to me.

Hello again signalman,

Time on my hands so thought I would drop another post. Humbly think you need to drop them thoughts about having a evil, conniving mind. You f****d up, it happens, you progressively got dragged into this nasty insidious addiction and made your self unwell in the process, it also happens. We tend to live in the fight or flight mode a lot, it’s how we’ve evolved since day dot, so it’s natural to think of ways of servicing your gambling debts. So take solace in that you’ve told the Mrs, it’s a good tool in facing upto this addiction and now find ways of moving on from it. Agreed, you do need to work on your mental state, it’s said ‘ that you have do it by yourself, yet can’t do it alone ‘ and I think you’ve become aware of this early days, so look out there and seek other support networks.

Its hard to fathom but rediscovery has a selfish element to it as you need to put yourself first, yet this also filters down to the ones closest to yourself.

Focus

Thank you so much Volcano.

You're so right about fight or flight - basically where I am right now is that I've run out of fight and have nowhere to run to :o( Helplessness in a nutshell - can't seem to do either right now. Luckily I am drawing on the strength of my wife right now.

However sitting next to my wife typing this - she is working from home today and we have spent some hours putting in loads of blocks. She kept saying I may be going over the top with some of the passwords I was asking her to change and the software I was asking her to download onto her laptop but I keep telling her there is no such thing as over top in this game...

Feel miles better after blocks gone in. I'm following the guidance given to be by A9 at the moment - has been amazing advice and a priority pathway to follow to keep me making measured choices and not getting swallowed up by the fear, anxiety, regret, depression etc... Told wife, blocks in - now I am in a better place to think rationally about managing the financial burden I have created for us.

I was doing everything **** over *** before - trying to secure the debt somehow then I was going to tell her then I was going to blocks in if I ever got round to it... thank god I trusted in the pathway given to me by A9 - had I not used that pathway I would have put no blocks in porbably and been wide open for a relapse. Going to have a little break from speaking to banks then look at joining a GA group then contact GP for an appointment to discuss my mental state - then concentrate on a clear plan to manage the debt... then try and enjoy the rest of the day.

nb - Don't know if anyone else ever experiences this after gambling losses but slept well for the first time in ages last night but having mad and vivid dreams - dreamt someone came to service the boiler while I was sleeping and my wife dealt with them - I asked her about their visit once I woke up and she looked at me blankly. Quite unsettling really - I hope the weird dreams subside over time.

Hi Signalman,

It seems like you are making positive steps which is great. Yes it's a long road ahead but now you have a support structure, especially when you begin counselling. I would make a gp appointment sooner rather than later though, your well being is important in order to maintain the strength for your recovery.

Keep talking and stay positive, you can do this!

Dx

Sure thing Donna - I hear you.

Usual thing with the GP - called them and they don't have any appointments until the 20th - booked one for then anyway. Going to start a GA group this week in the meantime.

The professional help is a big wife for my wife - its her main agenda over the money management thing - so while she has taken over my brain due to the wiring being so messed up right now I will just do what she says and comply with her request to get emotional support. Probably pride kicking in which is fuelling some of my resistance but I reckon once I go Thursday to GA it will be a powerful experience for me and I will keep going on my own volition.

Thanks for your message and checking on me. I really appreciate it so much.

We actually had a holiday booked next week (obviously arranged before all this happened) so maybe the GP timing thing is good. Get away from it all, refresh my brain and visit them when I get back.

Good to hear! Just make sure you follow through on everything you say, be the man you want to be 🙂

Dx

Ok I will Donna. Thank you.

My wife just broke down a couple of times. It breaks my heart but I understand it is expected. This is the first day after learning about everything and she is processing. I don't have the words for her. My quick fix mind just wants to make it all better as quick as possible but I guess that's where I have to trust that time is a healer - for both of us.

Any advice regarding how to support my wife would be much appreciated right now. Thank you friends.

It's definitely understandable, this will have been such a shock to the system. All I can suggest is get her to have counselling for herself, she is in this for the long haul and she will need just as much help as you. Be there for her, listen, answer any questions she may have and give her time.

Dx

Thank you. When I was upstairs she told me she had been looking into getting counselling after this bombshell so looks like she is on to it. Aside from what I've done her mother is very sick and one of her job contracts looks to be up in the air right now. God I wish I hadn't done this to her - however when you're in that dark tunnel of poison you don't stop to think about things like that do you. So sad I've tipped her over the edge and she needs help too. When I married her I promised I'd look after her - not do this to her. Gutted.