Hi Al!
Really fab to hear from you! I have been keeping up with your posts since arriving for my holiday and really feeling the inspiration and wisdom offered ?
Unfortunately I have been wiped out with an insane flu virus halfway through the holiday. The weather is beautiful here but I'm having to sleep with my anorak on due to having the shivers, unable to get out of bed currently.
It's fine though - just a couple more days left anyway - and the days I was well we had a brill time. I guess you run the gauntlet when you come to family holiday resorts!
Think I'll ask for a sick day saturday as it's not looking like I'll be well in time for work that day.
As a side note - I have a line manager who is not very good and her job is always hanging in the balance due to her incompetence. She manages to cling on by wheeling and dealing her way to save the company money through the most harebrained schemes imaginable - she is very much anonymous but every now and again she pops up with her nonsense, usually after a period of sickness or absence due to health issues.
She called me yesterday when she knew I was on holiday to tell me that she has decided to reduce my annual leave entitlement henceforth - meaning that it will take effect immediately and effect my earnings for the holiday I am currently on. No formal change to terms and conditions of employment will be sent to me, no opportunity for negotiation or query on my part...
She really is a walking moron ?
Anyway - I was livid after the phone call - when on holiday one tends to be in a carefree mood so at the time I didn't take much in re what she was saying on the phone. When dwelling on the call retrospectively later on though I was seething. I spent a good hour or two drafting up emails and grievances which I was fully prepared to send to relevant authorities and governing bodies - I was going to ensure that she paid for this injustice.
Then I just deleted them all and went to bed... ? I think fellow CG's will understand why I am relaying all this - it shows how far I have come.
When you living up your a**e in the throws of addiction you live in a sort of dreamlike state that you are untouchable and life will never deal you a bad hand. When it inevitably does your whole belief system breaks down and the very fact that you have been aggrieved becomes intolerable. You become obsessed and immersed in your grievance and you usually run to your addiction to numb the pain.
I have been through the mill with gambling. Almost a year off a bet and life is slowly starting to regain some normality. If this had happened last year I guarantee you I would have run to the nearest fruit machine in this resort... I am surrounded by them - they are everywhere.
Today I can proudly say that whilst I obviously have a clear cut case to challenge this haenous exploitation of power (she knows I have a young child but this hasn't stopped her doing this) - I just don't care enough to make an issue about it - I trust that common sense will prevail and if it doesn't then well, when all is said and done it's about a £50 loss every time I go on holiday... I used to cover one number on the roulette board with that amount ?
I won't starve, I'll still be able to put clothes on the back of my boy - why ruin the wave of good vibes I am currently riding - having the foresight to recognise how detrimental it could be to engage in a feud of this nature (with my line manager of all people) could be to my mood, mental health and subsequent outlook is a huge step forward for me.
Risk Vs reward over £50?
You can keep it ?
Anyone reading this who feels the injustice cannot and should not be swept under the carpet and it spitting blood at the prospect of the big guys s******g on the little guy... Seriously... Take care of yourself first and foremost - don't focus all your energy on trying to change the world around you.
1) you won't succeed
2) the consequences associated with not succeeding far outweigh the risk associated with trying to sort out the natural order of things - yes I've been mugged off - I am in a mountain of debt and I need all the money I can get but currently I am the best version of myself which I'm currently offering to my wife and son, this is priceless - why mess with that!
Anyway great to hear from you as always Al!!! ?✌️
Send a ‘polite’ email:
“thanks for your call. It was really nice to hear from you whilst on my family holiday.
Please could you send an electronic copy of what we spoke about including legality, justification and time frame for discussion. I think that’s only fair under the circumstances and I’ll share with my union rep upon return.I’m sure everything will work out best for all.
i look forward to seeing you next week.”
Lying here in my sick bed reminds me of the last time I was this poorly - a few years ago when we were at a tropical destination in a plush hotel, paid for by my wife's employer at the time...
I started gambling in my sick bed as the WiFi was good there... I was better after 2 days but I faked illness for a further 2 days to continue gambling and left my wife to traipse round the hotel alone for a total of 4 days. She was 3 months pregnant at the time.
Thoroughly ashamed of myself.
Was meant to be a romantic break.
I can proudly say that 3 years later I sit here in my sick bed chewing the ear off you lot instead of watching a ball spin aimlessly round a table of numbers.
What a complete waste of life. You could plonk me in paradise and all i'd want to do is watch that ball go around, in the hope it landed on my number... When it did I would choose a different set of numbers and hope it landed on those instead.
The base level of entrapment with this game reminds me of a toddler putting shapes into a shape sorter... The concept is truly farcical now when you think about it.
However I only realise this now and was willing to give away half a years wages to the cause. How empty my life must have been back then.
You know what bdog - im just going to trust that the holiday situation sorts itself out. It probably will. When I next speak to my team leader I'll drop it in that I need something in writing before I commit to this change then when that arrives i just won't sign it.
That way I get my desired outcome will minimal use of energy.
It's dawned on me that energy is so crucial in this recovery journey - guess what, we all have a finite amount of energy in our tanks and some people have more or less than others.
Physical exertion, emotional, responsibilities, confrontation, willpower, motivation, compassion, being present, being loving, pleasure-seeking... Each consumes energy and for me it's about conserving energy and using it sparingly and wisely so that there is always energy left in the tank for unforeseen circumstances (like now - when I am dead on my feet) but also not pumping all or most of your energy into one area to achieve a desired outcome when all the other areas of life that require energy will suffer in turn.
If I get stuck into this lady re my holiday, I'll obsess about it, I know I will. I'll start downloading policies and procedures and scouring them for entries that will support my cause. In turn my wife will take on the slack with looking after the boy and I will lose my sense of presence when interacting with him, knowing me I'll become a bit detached, the injustice of it all will affect my mood and I'll probably put a dampener on the remaining holiday.
We've had a great time so far. Let's keep it that way. I drop it in convo with my team leader next week sometime. Until then I'll keep my energy levels topped up and just focus on getting well again and helping my wife to pack everything up before we set off tomorrow.
The old me would pump almost 90-95% of my energy into gambling when it took me, that left a miniscule amount to dedicate to my work and my family and most importantly, myself.
Hi Signalman
You are right, in that you know yourself and it’s not really worth the energy, but having said that the actions of the manager are almost certainly illegal so it is very annoying, but I get you.
I had a good bit of advice once in connection with firing off angry emails. Always wait 24 hours before sending anything as we tend to overreact in the heat of the moment. You were definitely right to hold fire.
Hope you get better soon and enjoy the rest of your holiday. If you were still drinking a hot toddy would do the job! You’ll have to stick to lemsip...
Rob!
Good to hear from you my man! Hope all is well in your world!
Thanks for the advice about angry emails, will defo take that on board! Yes, I can see how that works for sure!
You know what, since being here I am surrounded by people smoking, drinking and eating burgers (did I mention that eating meat was something else I 'quit' at the beginning for the year as this is another area that I was unable to manage responsibly) but I've done ok!
There is a burger king here, they are trialling halloumi burgers at this particular one, it did the trick I suppose! And since we are in self-catering accomodation this time I have managed to eat healthily. On meeting my family they commented on how well I look and that I've lost weight and look broader round the shoulders, did wonders for my self-esteem!
I did have a dream last night that I was eating a double whopper with a pint to go with it and smoked a ciggy afterwards but as long as this stuff only happens in dreams then it's all good ?✌️
I have no idea what knocked me out yesterday and today, I'm wondering if it's too much time in the swimming pools?
Ah - what will be will be I guess...
Actually I also have this theory, I seldom get ill you see... as mentioned I haven't been ill like this for over 3 years and again that was on holiday...
Is it something to do with relaxing? When you wind down and relax you are open to the elements? I am always on the go, especially on holidays as we have the little one. This was the first time in AGES I let go of rushing about everywhere and focused on devoting all my energy to family time and creating memories...
Anyway just a theory...
Mate - lemsip is a sound piece of advice! Thank you so much! Why didn't I think of that! My cousin is about on the complex somewhere, I'll get her to grab me some from the shop! Thanks again! Great call! ?
Take care mate
Have you started a diary yet?
Yes I still have my diary but prefer posting on others at the moment. I can’t quite look myself in the mirror. A lot of stuff to work on and I am finding it hard to open up and can’t really see the future right now . It’s funny that in my late 40’s I feel less certain about life and what I am doing with it than I ever did. Hopefully it’s all part of my realignment?
But I am not gambling and feel very strong in this respect.
Also I have been smoke free for a couple of years although still suck on Nicotine mints! (I was a three f**s for breakfast kind of guy). And I have been a vegetarian for more than 30 years but still don’t really eat healthily. Nothing wrong with a Halloumi burger.
I do still drink but have noticed recently that post session I do get quite a bit of alcohol depression- so it probably doesn’t do me any good.
You have become so wholesome that you could be in the Waltons (older readers)...?
Yes I still have my diary but prefer posting on others at the moment. I can’t quite look myself in the mirror. A lot of stuff to work on and I am finding it hard to open up and can’t really see the future right now . It’s funny that in my late 40’s I feel less certain about life and what I am doing with it than I ever did. Hopefully it’s all part of my realignment?
I really believe it is mate. All I can say is this emptiness and uncertainty I've seen in many diaries of people who are working a good recovery. Please hold on to that.
It's a phenomenon so can't really be explained but think of this as a necessary stage of the gambling bereavement cycle, it won't be like this forever, this will eventually pass as your life takes on more meaning and purpose.
Its not like we knew what the future held for us before when we were in action right? However when faced with this uncertainty we just ran to the gambling, temporary suspension of reality. We were happy to work this cycle of escape for the rest of our lives.
Without this escape now, where can you turn when uncertainty rears its head?
As cliche as it sounds, embracing that uncertainty enables you to just live in the present moment - yesterday, tomorrow, next year, none of it matters anymore - because everything is going to be ok now we don't gamble anymore.
I used to obsess about the future because I knew I was an accident waiting to happen who would self-destruct at some point. In the last year of my gambling a hell of a lot of money went on new clothes when I won, because I knew at some point I'd implode and would probably have to rely on the same wardrobe for a few years.
Do you get where I'm coming from? Nowadays - if I see a shirt I like, I'll try it on and if I can afford it I'll buy it. If after trying it on I don't like it I'll put it back.
See how the latter is a normal way to live now? See how the former is a mind scrambled by gambling?
You are slowly unscrambling your mind through not gambling. Just sit back and let it happen my man.
You are doing great rob ✌️ don't stress ?
Where is Dave? Are you alright mate? I hope you're well.
I'm bedridden today and was going to make it an obligation to read your posts and glean more of the insights contained within them. But alas there is nothing from you all week!
Shame. I hope you're well anyway.
Just completed a 2.5 hour drive home from the holiday carrying the most horrible gastro bug (turns out this is what I caught there)
It was a gruelling drive, got back, got some bags out the car then crashed out on my bed. Feel completely washed out... haven't eaten for a couple days...
I am not about to start feeling sorry for myself though...
1) I have survived far worse than this in my life! The gambling destroyed my brain and melted my mind and took ages to put back together so this bug is not even comparable!
2) last year we went to the same resort and my wife and son got the same bug - he was only 1 then... My heart was bleeding for them on the way home as I was the only one who was well... I remember saying to my wife on the drive back last year "I'd do anything to jump inside his body now and take out the bugs and put them in myself" he was feeling so wretched and it took him over a week to recover.
Anyway - for all intents and purposes that's what happened this year I guess, I feel like c**P now but I'll take it - he is helping mum unpack and playing with his new buzz lightyear, he's made up with it - I'll take this moment all day every day.
Thank god I was finally able to release myself from the clutches of gambling addiction. It has enlightened me in so many ways and on so many levels.
Managed to keep a meal down today. On the mend... Energy lacking in the afternoon, had to retire to bed, feeling a bit guilty as so redundant and unable to help the good lady tend to the house and the boy...
Lying here though it came to my attention that the truth is, a year after the gamble my life still feels - and possibly will always feel - a bit more emptier and less fulfilled without all the enhancements (gambling, booze, f**s, junk food, anything else you wish to throw in there - I was into most things)
But I take solace in the hope that this emptiness will eventually pass...
When we were young friends had vauxhall novas with body kits and spoilers. Great fun. Lots of enhancements. As we got older and matured the metrics changed, youd go to a car garage and look for a vehicle that has enough boot space for the pram, is economical on fuel, has had a full service and MOT history. These things matter at that stage of your life - different things begin to matter as the stages evolve. Maturation is the process that cultivates the movement between stages.
We have those in today's society that laden themselves with irreversible piercings, tattoos and facial enhancements. All good - they look great in the here and now and people are able to make a statement about themselves, leave nothing to chance they say.
Just making the point that you don't see many 80 year olds getting those sorts of enhancements in the tattoo parlour when you walk past, at that point most people have reached a stage of maturation where they lead a life without enhancements and exist peacefully without the need to make a statement to anyone at all.
Gambling was just another enhancement in my life. I've matured now, I just don't need it. Although the 'missing' feeling still exists - so does the 'hopelessness' and 'bitter pain' feeling in small amounts - probably a good counteracting remedy to have at this point in my life but hopefully at some point I'll leave the latter behind too (maybe when this counselling finally gets back to me! ?)
The money, the opportunities, the risks, the rewards... All gone and forgotten. The fact that I'm on top of my gambling addiction now supercedes all that.
Been speaking to a chap on here who blew his mind with gambling and fell apart but now is on cloud 9 as he has a bailout from family and a potential second chance with partner.
Will we be seeing him again? Undoubtedly... This is ultimately about learning to live a life without enhancements. This is not about ducking and diving. Gambling is a formidable opponent and will just bide it's time and knock you out in the end.
You have to admit defeat before you can move on in this game. I just hope he has the sense to come back to these shores with the white towel in his hands if/when the bell goes and he is out for the count.
Great interesting stuff SM. I know this might sound really cheesy but I think you are the kind of guy who will find fulfilment in helping others out and being kind despite and because of other people’s failings. Of course you are not naive and won’t be easily manipulated but I think you will fill the void by putting yourself into being as decent as you can. I think perhaps for you the next stage is external. You have looked hard inside yourself and really made some massive changes and incredible progress. I think now you are ready to look at the bigger picture to find more meaning. I might be totally wrong of course. Just a thought.
I think now you are ready to look at the bigger picture to find more meaning.
Thank you so much for your kind message, always a pleasure and a privilege to hear from you.
The above comment really stuck with me, I will think about this at more length. I want to pick up as many people along the wayside as I can afford to, without forgetting about me.
I try to meet people in their world and work backwards from there to draw them out of the madness, but there are time when they are so deeply in the clutches they end up drawing me in instead so to speak. Not good for me, not good at all.
At times like this I end up having a break from here. A9 if you're reading this, no doubt you're nodding your head and understand entirely what I mean, I don't pine for you every time you disappear these days because I get you too and in our friendship on here I feel we have nurtured a common understanding of each other. i do miss you though.
Rob... I will think a lot about what you said. I hope in return you'll think about the message I left you on my diary a few posts ago. You really are doing great my friend, even if your body and mind arent making you feel that way.
Think of it like my gastro bug, the healing process begins, everything has to be expunged from within me, it's not a pleasant experience and the whole process feels horrible! But eventually I am back on my feet and ready to go again! All the toxins are out, I just need to make sure I keep myself clean and stay one step ahead of any potential threats to my serenity, as do you.
Embrace the empty, meaningless feeling, gambling used to fill up that space once upon a time you know what I mean? Thank god it's moved out now! ?
Thanks Signalman. I will take on board everything you have said. Just to clarify I wasn’t just suggesting that you necessarily just put your energies onto this website or towards people like me. I was also thinking more generally in any way that works for you - whilst keeping yourself healthy of course. Have a good week.
Yes indeed rob, don't worry - your sentiments were received by me exactly how they were meant by you... What really stuck a chord with me was to do with that study course I did earlier in the year and passed with exceptionally high marks by the college's standards...
It was a music production course actually, they asked me back for a sponsored degree which I declined, but the tutor also made a side swipe for me and asked if I would collaborate on some music with him, which I also declined but have offered to help him with the book he is writing. He was sad and also a bit puzzled why I didn't accept his offer but he implored me to write some music asap and see if I can get it released or published somewhere.
The reason your message was so resonant with me was because like him, I was pretty non-plussed as to why I didn't take up any of those offers ??? and also trying to work out why I have hardly even switched the computer on since completing that course, let alone devised my own material ?
But I'll pass way loads of time on here gassing with people...
It must be a lack of self-belief I guess... And also a commitment to wife and child to remain present and focused for them and not get distracted. Although missus says I've never been the same person since I switched off the computer and I should get back into it...
But your message was like a prod, an outsider looking in telling me that maybe it's time to renegotiate the time I spend on here and the time I spend on myself...
It was all very thought-provoking. Thank you. If I can apply the same passion I have on here in my hobby maybe I'll get somewhere who knows..
Rob, i love hearing from you mate! It really brightens up my day! I just went through my subscriptions and did away with a load, your diary is a firm favourite on my teamsheet don't worry!
What I enjoy most about your posts are that they are laden with honesty, humility and not ego-based ? we don't get many posts with such a sense of normality on here... I think it's like a breath of fresh air anyway.
That was pretty much my point earlier mate, you're doing well, maybe you realise it or not but slowly your becoming more and more grounded and whilst life may appear to become drab as a result of this, it's good! You're good!
Don't forget to shoot the breeze with me when you pass through this place my friend! ??
Thanks again for your messages. Had quite a profound effect on me.
And the fact that you were able to make such a poignant comment confirms to me that you have an acute understanding of people and people like me so you are defo a good man to keep on my side and stay in touch with.
So keep in touch!
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