NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi Signalman,

Didn't want to bother you last week when you were so ill. Read your post about how JOBSWORTH treated you on holiday how appalling, however it's one little s--t against you & you're the one who's really in control. In almost a year i've seen you take on the whole of the gambling industry ( and they too thought they could push you around ) according to my score card you're well in front.

Kind Regards

AL

Hey man 

You crazy dude. I knew it! You have a load of talent there, don’t waste it fella You’re a musical genius! 

Having said that I know where your priorities have been over the last (almost) 12 months and you have admirably focused on your addiction, other self - harming behaviours and your family. You can now look at yourself and your son in the eye. As you become stronger I really hope the creative juices flow and you fulfil your potential. Of course the last thing you want to do is take risks but hopefully slowly, gradually you will make the right considered decisions going forward.

Fame and fortune(?) awaits you!  Well you have options anyway...

Thank you for your kind words. They really lift me and keep me going 

Thanks so much for keeping in touch with me guys. Really appreciate the support and belief in me.

Al - re. The holiday thing, now I'm back at work it all started to gnaw away at me again, it kept taking me out of my present state and the feeling of being aggrieved and the injustice of it all led me to want to say something to my team leader tomorrow morning. However it's my first day back, just want to settle back slowly + had the idea of just claiming future holiday in the same way I usually do and if the issue re-emerges again at that point I'll deal with it then. Who knows, maybe I'm just flavour of the month this time round and by my next holiday she would've moved on to someone else...

First day back after holiday, to be honest needed a couple more days off to recover but it is a critical time at this particular job so didn't want to let them down, plus I was keen to re-establish old routines as I thrive better within them and on top of all that I don't get sick pay so I need the money ?

Its been amazing having some time off, despite being ill for half of it. Being back today was bittersweet, particularly starting back at this job as noone seems to like me much here... ? I did feel as if they were pleased to see me back though.

I know deep down that the resentment at this particular workplace is my own doing, a result of my former character - a compulsive gambler with up and down emotions and who didn't care a jot for anyone but themselves.

Felt lost, lonely and somewhat vulnerable all day today. I know this is the real world now, I can't spend the rest of my days on holiday with the family, I have to work like the rest of us, in the dreamworld state of my gambling days i convinced myself I could gamble my way to a more prosperous future and eventually wouldnt have to work again thanks to my 'system'.

Well anyway eventually the system failed me big time and cut to a year later, still picking up the pieces. I have managed to collect a fair few pieces though, some even new pieces I acquired by chance along the way... I just need to start building them into some kind of meaningful structure now.

It feels very therapeutic and cathartic to write all this down anyway, it's good knowing friends (albeit virtual ones) are never far away and in turn I don't feel so alone.

I couldn't manage these feelings before, i let the roulette wheel do that for me.

I hope you are all well out there ?

Thinking back to those times...

When in action, the times when I won money, I won't lie - life suddenly had meaning! It had purpose! Everything was vibrant, I felt like I was walking on clouds, I was a joy to be around, good vibes aplenty. 

I left happy. I felt proud of who I was and what I had 'achieved'.

When I lost money - life was a black hole. Nothing else mattered, just getting that money back. I hated myself, I lived in shame. I punished myself through malnutrition and neglect. I bathed in self-pity, I blamed as many people as possible for my demise.

There was a shock period where it didn't really register then a daily fight not to try and win it back, which invariably I lost. I was a terrible person to be around, i'd go into myself and hated the person I was. I sometimes thought about putting myself out of this misery - getting off the merry-go-round once and for all so to speak.

Today I can see now how it is possible to live and enjoy all those feelings I described in the former without winning any money. It was never about the money, I was only chasing that feeling, the feeling like life mattered, it made sense and it was looking after me. 

There was a detachment between me and life back then. Now we are synchronised again I need to be looking after 'it'. If I just endeavour to do the right things by me and those around me day to day, I feel all the things I described in the former, minus the financial risk and reward.

I'm cutting out the middle man these days, the betting operator. There is a direct exchange between me and the good feeling associated with life. The broker is out of the picture. Don't let the broker fool you into thinking they are integral to the deal. They are not. 

This misconception is why the whole gambling industry is shrouded in controversy and immorality. Sadly, not everyone has reached the realisation I have today.

I am still in a mountain of debt, it does hang over me and get me down on occasions, but I have never been a rich man so it's all I know and all I'm used to anyway... Simple as that really. No need to get down about what has always been a feature of my life.

Just finishing making an absolutely boss country vegetable soup with a special guest appearance from CELERIAC ??

Well chuffed with my afternoons work. Can't wait to try it now ?

Posted by: signalman

Thinking back to those times...

When in action, the times when I won money, I won't lie - life suddenly had meaning! It had purpose! Everything was vibrant, I felt like I was walking on clouds, I was a joy to be around, good vibes aplenty. 

I left happy. I felt proud of who I was and what I had 'achieved'.

When I lost money - life was a black hole. Nothing else mattered, just getting that money back. I hated myself, I lived in shame. I punished myself through malnutrition and neglect. I bathed in self-pity, I blamed as many people as possible for my demise.

There was a shock period where it didn't really register then a daily fight not to try and win it back, which invariably I lost. I was a terrible person to be around, i'd go into myself and hated the person I was. I sometimes thought about putting myself out of this misery - getting off the merry-go-round once and for all so to speak.

Today I can see now how it is possible to live and enjoy all those feelings I described in the former without winning any money. It was never about the money, I was only chasing that feeling, the feeling like life mattered, it made sense and it was looking after me. 

There was a detachment between me and life back then. Now we are synchronised again I need to be looking after 'it'. If I just endeavour to do the right things by me and those around me day to day, I feel all the things I described in the former, minus the financial risk and reward.

I'm cutting out the middle man these days, the betting operator. There is a direct exchange between me and the good feeling associated with life. The broker is out of the picture. Don't let the broker fool you into thinking they are integral to the deal. They are not. 

This misconception is why the whole gambling industry is shrouded in controversy and immorality. Sadly, not everyone has reached the realisation I have today.

I am still in a mountain of debt, it does hang over me and get me down on occasions, but I have never been a rich man so it's all I know and all I'm used to anyway... Simple as that really. No need to get down about what has always been a feature of my life.

I love this post, I resonate totally with it....you feel like king of the castle one day and then despair the next.

now I feel calm, settled happy and have money in my pocket.

Simple thing like paying £90 for a meal for 4 folk and being proud to pay and not fret about it, not wanting to win that money back, for once I earned the right to not worry about the cost.Life has changed eh?

keep going mate, the debt will go, mines going.

Posted by: holycrosser

 

Simple thing like paying £90 for a meal for 4 folk and being proud to pay and not fret about it, not wanting to win that money back, 

Posted by: signalman

Thinking back to those times...

When in action, the times when I won money, I won't lie - life suddenly had meaning! It had purpose! Everything was vibrant, I felt like I was walking on clouds, I was a joy to be around, good vibes aplenty. 

I left happy. I felt proud of who I was and what I had 'achieved'.

When I lost money - life was a black hole. Nothing else mattered, just getting that money back. I hated myself, I lived in shame. I punished myself through malnutrition and neglect. I bathed in self-pity, I blamed as many people as possible for my demise.

There was a shock period where it didn't really register then a daily fight not to try and win it back, which invariably I lost. I was a terrible person to be around, i'd go into myself and hated the person I was. I sometimes thought about putting myself out of this misery - getting off the merry-go-round once and for all so to speak.

Today I can see now how it is possible to live and enjoy all those feelings I described in the former without winning any money. It was never about the money, I was only chasing that feeling, the feeling like life mattered, it made sense and it was looking after me. 

There was a detachment between me and life back then. Now we are synchronised again I need to be looking after 'it'. If I just endeavour to do the right things by me and those around me day to day, I feel all the things I described in the former, minus the financial risk and reward.

I'm cutting out the middle man these days, the betting operator. There is a direct exchange between me and the good feeling associated with life. The broker is out of the picture. Don't let the broker fool you into thinking they are integral to the deal. They are not. 

This misconception is why the whole gambling industry is shrouded in controversy and immorality. Sadly, not everyone has reached the realisation I have today.

I am still in a mountain of debt, it does hang over me and get me down on occasions, but I have never been a rich man so it's all I know and all I'm used to anyway... Simple as that really. No need to get down about what has always been a feature of my life.

Hi Signalman - been a while for me here but I tried to keep off  of the internet for a while and work has been very stressful so I was trying to avoid any temptations... Anyway just wanted to say that yours was one of the first posts I caught up with and it was great to read this post. You are completely right about the highs and the lows! I also realised that I turn to gambling lots when stressed with work - I'm proud that I’ve managed to avoid it when it feels like all has been hell! Thanks again! 

Posted by: Lil30

 

I also realised that I turn to gambling lots when stressed with work - I'm proud that I’ve managed to avoid it when it feels like all has been h**l! 

Not long to go until a full year off a bet.

I know I shouldn't ask myself this question but it popped into my head today... "Can I do this for the rest of my life?"

I mean I guess so... What's the alternative???

I am blessed and very lucky to have escaped the clutches of gambling addiction clinging on to what is truly dear to me during the escape, others haven't been so lucky. 

Would I be that stupid to throw all that away? 

Well... It depends on how much I continue to look after myself, that's the key I guess. Before I had no comprehension about 'self-care'

I was a 'live hard, play hard' sort of guy. Eventually it caught up with me.

Hi Signalman,

Instead of asking if you can do this for the rest of your life ask yourself can you f**k everything up & go back to the person you were 12 months ago ?. I honestly believe the inability to think logically is an integral part of addiction. Loss loss loss (i'm just having a bad day ). More losses ( I'll win it all back tomorrow ). What do you want ? the new you for life or the old you & no life at all. Stay strong & just keep doing what you're doing, i don't think about the rest of my life, or even next week, i think about JUST FOR TODAY. Advice given to me months ago by a mutual friend.

Look after yourself & everything precious to you.

AL

Thanks Al. Sound advice as always ?

just keep taking it a day at a time, look no further.

this can get back into your life at anytime mate, understand that if the worst happens you can do the journey again, please keep going and enjoy the new life this is giving you and me.

good luck, we deserve it.

Oh I sort the emails - though some get through.

Your positivity is infectious! 

Hi

Writing this from a position of shame and embarrassment to be honest...

Got to work today and found out one of my colleagues has moved out of his rented apartment with his partner and got on the property ladder. On hearing the news my initial reaction was to fake a smile then start brooding about my own situation and how the gambling has put a major spanner in my plans.

Resentment reared its ugly head, as did self-pity... Which is ridiculous really as I really like the guy for one and also he is the hardest working person I know (he works 3 jobs) so deserves everything he gets! 

Plus I have a nice house with my wife and have been on the property ladder for some years now! So it's not even a competition or anything like that!

I began obsessing about the extension I had been saving up for - I was a quarter of the way there before destroying my funds via one fateful gambling binge that I'll never forget (see first post)... Now I live hand to mouth and it will be that way for a good few more years while the debt clears... And that timeframe includes a probable remortgage at some point next year to reduce the debt further.

Why couldn't I just be happy for this guy? Why did I have to bring it back to me and my (self-inflicted) woes? I went to a GA meeting last night so should be topped-up with good will and compassion... 

It seems pathetic to me that I was use someone else's achievement to revel in my own misfortunes... I thought I was over this sort of behaviour.

They passed me the phone later so I could congratulate him in person, I did so through gritted teeth.

I feel ashamed for the way my internal workings conducted things today.

I have resting on my laurels since giving up gambling, just happy to exist and still be in the game so to speak, however people all around me are getting on.

I think this is the crux of the issue. It does not excuse my behaviour though. Im scared if I push myself too hard again my world will come crashing down again and this time it will be a write off.

Please chuck in some words of wisdom if you have any.

Thanks in advance ? 

Feeling really down about the way I behaved. I don't even need an extension to be honest, I just wanted one to show off to people.