Dear diary
Where do I start! At the beginning I guess. Here it goes...
At the age of 16 I had been kicked out of home, had a gorgeous baby girl who is my reason for living and dealt with all of these changes really well all things considered. I met someone, 10 years older and started a relationship which was great to start with. Im not going to go into all the details but it became the worst days of my life, or at least I thought until now. Every weekend I would watch him spend his wages on slots and if I was lucky he would give me £20.00 towards living costs which I was always grateful for but could never understand why he did it until now. After 5 years I finally built up enough courage to break out of it, the next happiest day of my life, I was finally free.
A few years down the line I met someone else who I thought was the one, and would have done anythung for. By this time Iid spent years studying and had a good job, earning a good salary. Despite earning good money slowly but surely I started finding myself with less and less money from always paying for everything and constantly lending the so called love of my life money. Before long I had thousands of pounds of debt through the fact I did not know how to say no.
Sorry if im boring anyone but trying to get it all clear in my own head.
We went through a few hard times but my love for him allowed me to forgive him but eventually my partner at the realised I couldnt bail him out anymore. Then one day out of the blue, he was no longer answering my texts or phone calls. A week later I got a message saying he had left the town and moved up to where his family was as he had no money to liv. After everyyhing he didnt have the decency to tell me to my face. I was of course heart broken and felt a major emptyness. I stopped eating, sleeping and was in despair about how much debt he'd left me in. I guess this was the beginning for me really.
I was too ashamed to admit to my family what a mess id got myself into and one day saw one of these adverts on tv and decided that I would try and win some money. Id never been into gambling before and didnt realise the damage that decision would make, then and now. I started playing online slots, won some money paid some stuff off and went back and played some more. We know how this all ends but ended up with even more debt. I decided it was enough and decided to tell my family as I at the time didnt think I had a majorgambling problem. And Iin the scheme of things compares to now I didnt. I had the ability to stop.
My family were upset but my mum helped me pay alot of the debt off and slowly I paid her off. I didnt feel even tempted to gamble my money way and eventually life was good again. That was about 8 years ago.
A few years down the line, I met someone else and we became serious, unbeknown to me he had a serious gambling problem. For the first few years I was supportive, bailed him out week in week out and before long found I was back in debt AGAIN. He promised he would cut down and stop going to bookies and then one night decided we should go to bingo. Id never been so thought it would be fun. I hadnt gambled anything for about four years and didnt think anything of it. We went and it became a regular thing to do at the weekends. Id watch him play slots, lose some, win some. I then startd playing them for abit now and then until eventually the bug really took hold of me and then I found we both would play for hours until we had spent all of our money. This went on for a year or two with debts mounting up. It then struck me one day that it didnt matter win or lose I loved playing them, it was like an escape from all the problems I wanted to get away from. Of course our relationship deteriorated very quickly and in turn I started playing more and mor, the only thingvthat gave me some hapoiness whilst in yhe momemt.
And thats why im here today. I cant blame anyone else for my actions, I need to take responsibility and look it straight on and beat it. Since then I have separated from my partner as he continues to gamble and I am not strong enouh to do it for both of us. I had been doing rather well the past two months and started addressing my debts andvtrying to get back on track. 5 days ago I then had a bailiff letter demanding a large sum to be paid in full by this monday. So what was my reaction? I didnt have enough to pay it from my wages so the only solution I knew. I gambled in the hope I vould win enough to pay it and not have to ask anyone for help. Bottom line- wages gone and bank account empty. The feeling of despair, a rabbit in the head lights with no where to turn.
This was Friday, since then I have come clean to my daughter and brother as I no longer want to live this life tormenting myself and having to scrape from month to month. My daughter isn't speaking to me now shes 16 and doesnnt understand why I would have done this. My brother said a few words but nothing of help. I know this is the reaction I deserve and fully expected. I have requested counselling and waiting to hear from them, blocked all of my accounts and am going to hand my finances over to somrone else as I have come to realise until I deal with the demons in my head from mynpast I cannot be trusted with my money. I guess this is a step in the right direction. Now for the biggest challenge, to tell my mum the truth and ask for her help AGAIN. I am so angry and disappointed with myself for putting my family through this and really hope that this is the day everythung can change. I last gamble friday and have no desire to at the moment as can only think about the damage and uoset I have and will cause. I guess I could look at this as a good thing. At least the first thought when I woke up this morning wasnt how or where I was going to gamble.
And that is me. Onwards and upwards.
B
Just been reading through some peoples stories on here and its so nice to know that someone out there understands. Last nightni came across Sabines story and got about half way. Today I decided to read the rest and have just finished with tears streaming down my face. What an inspirational lady, I hope that one day I can have half the strength and courage she had. Words that come to mind are amazing, strong and compassion. To face so much and be so strong. RIP an amazing lady, although I have never spoke to you, you have truly touched my heart with your words.
Sat at my kitchen table trying build the courage to tell my mum, wanted to call but cant find the words, wrote a long email and cant seem to hit yhe send button. The reason I cant? Not because I am scared she will be angry, disappointed and hate me because I deserve it and want her to be like that as what I have done it awful but because I know once I do not omly have I ruined my life but all the closest people to me and that is the bbit I cannot get over. Why would I do this to all the people who lovd and care about. I guess if I thought about before I gambled, I wouldn't have done it. But the thought of my mums world crashing down all because of my stupid actions is unforgivable yet I have very liytle option and I know through telling her it will be enouh for me to want to stop. 2 days have past since i gambled and the temptation is not there all i cant think is what i have done and the consequences ig has. Im not sure any of them can hate me more then I do right now.
Your mum will not hate you. Yes she will probably be angry, upset, confused but she loves you she will want to help. Make the call you need her support & she deserves the truth. Addiction loves secrecy & lies do not let it have them. Recovery has to start from a position of complete honesty, without honesty you are almost certainly going to return to your gambling
Thankyou for your words day@atime. I know that it is about being open and honest and ive wanted to tell someone for so long I just wasnt prepared for all the misery I would cause. I have been through so many rough times and always managed to comr out stronger but ehen it comes to gambling im so weak. I guess thats why we are all here, it doesnt matter if you are rich, strong, intelligent gambling addictions do not discriminate. Telling someone is what I have wanted to do as I know one of the reasons I gamble is because I feel so lost and alone inside and it helps me escape that regardless of the further consequences of losing and the emotional rollercoaster. I sometimes wonder if it is to punish myself in some twisted sort of way.
Thanks NT, I will try not to punish myself to much, I know have lots of issues from the past some of whuch I blame myself for and after talking to a friend, they made me realise blaming myself won't make them go away and that there was nothing I could have done to change them. For the first time in my life I feel like I might be ready to talk to someone about it so agreed to see a counsellor so really hope that will help.
Well I have just built up the courage to finally send the email to my mum explaining everything to her and feeling really sick and scared right now. Just waiting for everything to all unravel. Just want to get this over and done with now. deep breathes as there is no going back now.
Thanks NT, although its hard not to worry about it. Just want to get it over and done with so I can start rebuilding what little dignity and self respect I have left and show them all I really want to overcome this and address all the problems head on, not try and hide away and pretend they dont exist. I know this will take alot of time but time better spent on rebuilding everything then destroying it through gambling.
Well I heard back from my mum and was good news and bad news! Good news is she will pay the bill which is desperate but only because of my daughter but along with this she also said she wants nothing further to do with me and last time she ever helps me. I guess I cant blamd her for that really. Did I really think she would be ok with it, after all half issues are thanks to her and my childhood, please dont think this is my way of passing the blame because I know that is all my fault, my actions, my resonsibility and my really bad choices. I just wish for once my mum could be there for me emotionally, to talk to and talk aboutnthings. Not sure why I thought it would ever change tbh. I guess it never will and something I have to accept and move on with. I just need to be strong move on with my life not gambling and try and build a better future without my family.
Anon 1982 I hear you and completely understand where your coming from my mum moved out when I was 14 I raised my sisters then 2 and 6 for a year while she was off with a new fella when my step dad died, my counsellor said part of my problem is that she only ever taught me how happy we all were when she won she's a gambling addict too so couldn't help me out financially even if I asked bar that she has never been there for me going years without talking yet I long for that the most my friend and her mum are so close like friends I envy that so much especially since I have kids and would always be there to speak advise help in anyway no matter what I guess tho that's where it does help how we shape ourselves for our children we can beat this and become strong again we can teach our children beter ways of dealing with things with love and support keep your chin up I'm hear if you need an ear x
Also I am sure your mum will calm down and u be able too rebuild maybe a better relationship fingers crossed take care chic things can and will only get better x
Day 3. Today I dont know what to say. Still noone is talking to me and I feel more alone and isolated then I ever have. I know I cant expect them to understand but wonder how long this will go on for as its harder to stay positive when there is noone who will talk to u. Still I must stay strong as it would be days like today where I would feel tempted to go and escape in to my fantasy land. Im not going to do that insread I am going to read some diaries and try and get some more positive thoughts.
Well my daughter is finally talking to me again and I decided to show her this diary to help her understand and shes now talking to me like before so feeling much happier and positive about things. Mum still wont talk to me but I can live with that, the main thing my daughter the only thing I really really care about and is the most important thing go me ever.
Hi Anon,
Thank you for your message,x
And welcome aboard this wonderful forum,,where you will be finding you are not alone with this horrendous addiction.
Well done on 3 days already, and I am pleased your daughter has come round,
Please take one day at a time with everything for now, your head will be buzzing with too much to deal with all at once.
You have taken some very positive steps, and being honest with those closest is a very brave thing to do.
Don't be be too hard on yourself, just take one day at a time and stuff will slowly fall into place, keep posting your thoughts and keep reading other diaries.
I wish you the very best on your recovery,,a new journey in your life,
Best wishes,
Suzanne xx
x
Hi anon im sorry to hear that your mom has reacted this way. Hopefully the anger will subside and she see past the act but look at the reason why it happened. What I've realised going through this that people that don't suffer with addiction struggle to understand why they have, even more so with gambling but it's not a physical addiction but emotional. I hope you're ok. Take care, and congrats for day 3 of no gambling. Onwards and upwards
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