need to change, first day of the rest of my life

Hi bex that's fantastic news and having that little bit of support at home especially from your closest will help you, day 3 yay well done hope you sleep a little easier tonight
another day of the great battle x

Hey tappy and peanut,

Thankyou for the supportive messages. Just comingto the end of day 3 and already things are looking up. ive spoken lots to my daughter, sat down with my brother and agreed to hand over my finances to him for a while until i feel more in control. The bill that was desperate has now been paid and going to sit down over next two days and really sort out my finances to get my debt cleared off. And lastly got my assessment for counselling tomorrow eve so things are moving forward positively. Hope you are all staying strong x

Morning bex, thought I'd drop by and hope your having a better day and works ok, day 4 another one nearly down I've signed up too challenge 2015 on here maybe it's something that may help you too and we can do it together x

Hey diary

Thanks for the message tappy. Well today is day 5 and feeling pretty positive as had first session of counselling last night and wasn't as bad as i thought despite the 1h 45minute journey to get there from work. If i can do that every week then that willsshow determination to my family that i really want to stop. Going to sit down and look at the finances and sort out a plan of action.

Thanks NT yep im trying to be positive and will do whatever i need to do for the nbest possible success to stop. I have a good job which is stressful most days but i enjoy it so going to throw myself into that for the time being to keep me motivated.

Hey just popped by to see how your were doing hope all is well and things are settling down and looking up
x

Hi tt

Thanks yeah everything going ok had a busy few days so read a few posts jncluding yours but havent got rojnd to posting on my own diary. Got a busy week ahead off to London tomorrow for work and a ccounselling session straight after work on Tuesday so should help keep me focused but trying to stay busy and positive to avoid any urges i have. hope ur staying strong and keep focused on another day gamble free.

Hey bex hope your good just thought I'd pop by say hello see how things were??
Take care x

Hi diary

Haven't posted for a while as been busy and was away last few weeks which was great, i was so happy didn't think about gambling even once while i was gone. In fact ive never been so happy. Now been back 3 days and feeling lonely and miserable and had massive urges to give in. I haven't but hate the fact I'm still so tempted when i can go a whole 3 week periodwithout any thought s at all.

On a positive zll debts/bills are now on a dmp and everything is sorted, finances are with someone else and cannot believe that 5 days before payday still have a quarter of my wages left. Its a miracle as normally skint by end of 1st week. So why do i still feel so down when i should be being positive, daughters happy and had everything she's wanted and needed this month, at least that makes me feel good. Ive come to realise its nothing to do with the moneyas still have a reasonable amount leftandcan still do things like go for ddinner but i have no interest. Is it just me that gets this feeling but nothing i do gives me any enjoyment other then gambling which im not doing. Wish i could feel like my old self, happy go lucky and easily pleased but that person seems to have disappeared, not for good hopefully.

Also i guess some of it is frustration that i now have a plan to move abroad i want to have completed by end of this year and will take at least that long purely down to financial reasons which if i hadnt of been gambling could have pretty much upped and left now as i so desperately want to. Arghhhhhh why have i allowed myself to be so stupid.

Well its nearly 7am and still haven't managed to get any sleep yet so spent aДє night reading diaries both of family and cgs. I guess that is a massive achievement in it self, before i would of stayed up and got no sleep but through gambling instead. Despite putting lots of blocks in place i still do have access to cash when i need/want it which is regulated but i would and could still gamble if i really wanted to. As with most cgs iff we are determined we will find one way or another to meet those urges. So for a change i can say i am slightly proud of myself. Compares to last nights posts despite the lack of sleep i am feeling more positive as altho vry small steps are being made all progress is in the right diirection. I am now setting myself a goal to save money weekly to build a reasonable savings balance from any money i have to dispose of but dont ue rather then wasting it on 1 and foremost gambling and othr things i dont really want or need.i am also going to cut down on smoking and put any money i would have spent on that to save up and treat my daughter to a few days at alton towers for some quality happy time. I have so much to be grateful for so need to have a positive mindset which at times can be hard. I am grateful for the fact that i have not got married and although was in a long term relationship finances and living arrangements were always kept separate so the damage i caused around me hs been limited to some degree. In financial terms probably not emotionally. However i know it could have been alot worse and am grateful that i can address all my outstanding debts on my own and not have to ask for any mord suppot from family which i neither deserve or want. I have to take responsibility and work hard to repair the mes i created but in time i know i can and can still have a good future if i stop now. I have every reason to beat this now and if that is not enough im not sure what will. Rambling i know but havent written on my diary for such a while forgotten how much better it makes me feel. Notvery well at the mo so think this probably added to my negative mood yesterday but since i am not well enough to go to eork hopefully i can get some sleep.

So i have caught up on my sleep and first thing I did when I woke up was come straight back on here to read more diaries. I am lacking motivation since ive comeback and think I'm suffering with depression a bit but again positive that im picking up my tablet and finding my way here then one of those dreadful gambling sites. Going to read abit more before getting my b**t into gear and doing something productive.

For some reason today i feel i need to post as having a bad few days. Been thinking alot today and the more i think tne angrker it makes me. Not sure if this is normal. So had a few urges but nothing i couldn't resist and keeping myself busy doing housework. House is starting to normal again yay dont think anything has been really done since i went away leaving my brother and daughter in the house so very much needed.

Started thinking today about why i chose this awful past time and how its affected my life in so many ways. Started thinking about the effects it has had on my family and people around me. My mums still angry and not talking to me and i guess i still deserve that and accept that this is all through my own choicest, decisions and my full responsibility. I get my family dont trust me and upset, shocked and disappointed but part of me also feels frustrated and dont know if im wrong for doing so.

Here is my reason. Looking at my family we all are pretty messed up in our own way. My mum is and has been an alcoholic since i can ever remember, still drinks today and never acknowledged she had a problem despite the consequences it had on our family and on me on too many occasions to remember. My dad is a prolific hoarder til this day, if you've ever watched some of the hoarder programmes this will give you an idea. You cannot move in his house for the amount of rubbish and junk piled to the ceiling and to him he thinks he will use all of his stuff 'one day' being the phrase i hear to often. Yet despite tripping over stuff on an hourly basis, never being ablr to find anything and having his home invaded by rrats regularly still will not acknowledge he has a problem or accept any help. And then onto my brother who is a prolific shopper. Yesterday he said he was going to buy an xbox 1, ok thats fair enough most people would think, the thing is he already has an xbox 1 sat in the livingroom whuch is covered in dust from the fact it rrarely gets used. When i asked him why he wanted to buy ANOTHER xbox1 his answer was'why not, you can never have too many'. This made me mad, not because of the money spent but because of all the looking down their noses that i have been gambling all my money. To sum it up, my mum spends loads on alcohol, my dad spends all his money on junk to cram even more into his house if thats ever possible but he finds away and my brother just buys stuff that he doesnt need or really want just because he can. None of them accept or eill accept they have any problem so is it wrong of me to feel angry about this? I know ive done the same thing, the only difference is i have recognised that i have a problem hate what it does and know i need to change it for me and my daughter!

Please can anyone offer some support or advice on this as i dont know if im being completely wrong, i just find it a little hard being judged and ignored for owning up and admitting my problem then choosing to ignore it and letting it continue into my 60s/70s.

Rant over

Just to add i dont want anyone to think i am in anyway using any of this to excuse or blame my actions on, my actions are my own and i chose those actions and must deal with th consequences nor am i looking for pity, i accept reality as it is, or at least i do now ive stoppdd gambling but can anyone understand where im coming from? X

Hey bex.... sorry your feeling a little under right now....Firstly anger is normal.... and yup why should you be judged ... you will have to just let it go tho im afraid they dont, wont and probably never will see there own problems and in essence if you didnt want help They wouldn't be judging you either it would just be brushed under the table . sounds like your family's as bout as strange and deluded as some of mine lol ..... here's the thing though hunie you can let what you've seen as normal over the years define you or beat it and use it to become stronger because all of those traits are what you don't want you are wanting to change that addictive behaviour for your sanity for your own daughter ... history doesnt need to keep repeating itself your here your showing your daughter your fighting to beat a bad habit an addiction and there's nothing better than that ... I used to get so angry attually sometimes still do especially at my mum but I know it wouldn't get me anywhere saying anything nor is bottling up the anger as the only ones we hurt our ourselves with it ...
you should be so proud of yourself look at all those days of winning so far ....look at how your relationship with your daughter will grow because of your honesty your commitment to making things better :0)
chin up bex it's one hell of a rollacoster but it's sure got to get easier xxx