Need to start all over!

Further to my last post today I feel a bit more positive.

I was very tempted to go gambling even though getting over stinking cold and a nice sunny day. In fact I feel more like gambling on a beautiful day I don't know why?

Fortunately just popped out for a couple bits and did not gamble.

I am fooling myself into thinking I can gamble a bit when in fact I am heavily in debt for someone on my income. I cannot AFFORD to gamble. It is not an investment it is for me a con as the machine/bookies ALWAYS profit out of me long term, that uis why they are in business and I am broke!!!

Right that has got my mind thinking straight again.The opportunity was there and I decided NOT to gamble and I am well pleased with myself.

Should be able to go out with a few quid tomorrow. Yes still in debt but not gambling.

Awayout

Hi had a good day on trip out despite petty arguments about money etc with mother!

No gambling pleased to say. I don't think I will be going to the bookies for a long time. I had a very bad experience last time bumping in to a foul mouthed undesirable from my past.

Really put me off wanting to ever go in there and gamble again!

I have noticed I have been eating too much in last few years. About 2 Christmases ago I put on two inches round the waist/belly.

I think I also have been comfort food eating and binging on naughty snacks chocolate.

It was a reminder the other day when I could not put on a pair of jeans I could have worn a few months back that gut is getting to big even though I am small built and was underweight for years it all seems to be heading for belly and legs (bloke).

I think I have stretched my stomach with overeating when going through stressy times and its a vicious cycle as I feel hungrier quicker bigger inefficient belly I guess. Dont get me wrong I know what is 'healthy food' ,it is just getting to thirities to metabolism rate is slowing down.

I walk everywhere but it still stays down there!

Awayout

I have not posted in my diary since Sunday. Feeling more positive now than I was.

I am back to work which helps take my mind off things and I am recovering from the heavy cold/virus

I took one day off as I did not feel weel enough as unwell during my hols. I don't know whether any of it was just the stress of knowing there were 'more opportunities' to gamble with time on my hands.

I know I have to keep busy and not to get too bored as I find my mind wondering into the realms of gambling thoughts - thinking that will solve my problems when it does not.

I notice that unless you keep posting regularly your diary easily falls down the list to page ....

I wonder if anything could be done so members can just log straight into their diaries when they log on. Rather than have to hunt for their diary post my suggest that on one of the other boards if someone else has not got there already!

Awayout

Just posting to keep your diary at top where you can see it! lol

Glad you're feeling positive today. Youre doing well resisting those intrusive thoughts of gambling. All the best to you. Good to meet you in chat last night

Take care - stay strong and gamble free

Lili x

Just calling into my diary section

Thanks Lili, yes those thoughts are popping in more often than I would like lately.

I am still play the lottery but have cut down a lot and I dread to think how much I have lost since the lottery began in 1994. I guess it must be 100s and 100s.

My nemesis is the roulette all beginning on the FOBTs in bookies. I should imagine countless lives have been ruined by them. The bookmakers and gambling industry has got more and more powerful in the UK. There are too many gambling programmes on TV advertising and they have got things too easy under recent governents if you ask me...

That is my gripe over about the ineptitude of out government to control gambling getting out of hand.

Was feeling a little down about my crummy job and the thoughts creeping in again. There are a couple new 'opportunities' at work but they are just side stepping IMHO and new management = change inevitable.

Looking forward to a complete overhaul of my life when I am able to do it.

I must remember gambling is not a way out.

Awayout

With negative thoughts looming I should have been on my guard.

I went somewhere today Sunday and was going to go shopping but the first place I went was the arcade... then later scratchcards in an attempt to make up a shortfall of monies I should not have withdrawn (set aside for bill)

Lost an amount of money I can afford to replace about £100 as I had been scraping together money carefully for a couple weeks. Had not a bit been 'won back' the losses would have been much worse.

This is strange it took me by suprise that I was there pumping these notes and £1 coins in. I would not normally look for arcade normally roulette in bookies...

I feel I have wasted the day. The bookiies was coming into my head visiting one somewhere I am not banned as a day trip. Today was obviously a warning that I cannot yet trust myself carrying cash card. Guess I am ashamed to say I was itching for gambling - I still crave that intensity you get but I know it is harmful to me.

I feel really sick having done that nearly lost 300 instead of 100 I need this for bills... some progress financially had been made scraping things together for sale I never use.

Made things slightly worse buying several scratchcards on way home £20-£40 worth sick I know. Need now to go to bank to pay in some cash so I wont be overdrawn and can pay a bill I had money in the bank account for and withdrew today.

I now feel again gambling is out my system because I have been thought the ritual of lose win lose as normal.

I want this nightmare to end. Self loathing, down not looking forward to work

Its my own fault I do hate gambling but still do it... addictied still why???

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Thanks for your support. For me I enjoy gambling but hate the consequences maybe in reality that is the same for you.

I also think that addiction maintains itself when the reasons that led to addiciton in the first place are not addressed (for whatever reason) and new ways of coping are not found. In short when one feels "stuck" in life. For me I can only tread water for so long before i start to sink.

I think as the saying goes.. if nothing changes then nothing changes. I think when change was eventually forced upon me it did lead to some positive change. i am speaking in riddles a bit but its maybe the case that when a life crisis hits this can help kickstart a positve change. Take care.. keep trying to not gamble and recording your thoughts in doing so. I will get back to posting a bit more i think I still need my crutches...S.A

Hi I think I understand where you are coming from in your riddles.

Are your crutches metaphorical or real is your leg playing you up?

I nearly had an accident yesterday I tripped over on edge of pavement and somehow just got away with a scrape. Could easily have broken/fractured bone.

Sad thing is I was enjoying a day off and almost wished I had broken something for time off work!! I know that is kind of twisted!

I also have only had things improve slightly on the financial front seeing tiny bits of debt go down by putting in blocks on my computer and banning from bookies in town. Did make me angry the gambling program failed one day and I lost 7 hundred.

In my job I hate serving those smug people who don't work or live off the state or husbands money. Then they have the cheek to give me sarky little comments 'lovely day isnt it pity your working' etc with a smug smile tone of voice then another wet day they are so miserable.

These people think they are original but I have heard all the comments before. Still short staffed.

Looking forward to change once I get these overdrafts sorted out

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

The crutches comment was about always needing a level of support to stay stopped from gambling.. even if its just reading on here. My legs is injury free at moment.. touch wood!

Maybe the thing is to see the positive from your job.. ie you have one! .. a mate of mine has been out of work for nearly 3 years now. Though sometimes having a good moan about work helps.. thats for sure. Strangely i have no work grumbles at the moment... all the best.. S.A

SA and all I think I need crutches too.

Unfortunately I had a bad day at work and almost found myself heading where I should not. The thing that set me off 'abusive customers' (try dealing with the general public) 99% of people are fine but the odd 1% make it unpleasant. You go along and know sooner or later the 1% is going to turn up!

One lot of abuse I could deal with then but this directly was followed by someone complaining about paying for a bag. I hate dealing woth people like that. If you can afford to pay x for an expensive item you can afford to pay a paltry sum for a bag!

So I am unfortunate I deal with too many ,members of the general public and the hot weather brings out the worst in people. I have generally learnt to be thicker skinned but just on the odd bad day out of the blue I feel like jacking it all it and feeling 'is it all worth it?'

Awayout

Hi I was up gambling til 4am with a casino online.

For the second time my gambling bloxking software Betfilter failed me. I found myself looking for gambling sites that allow a non card option use my only option...

I had had a depressinng week added to the fact of family changes and mums birthday today and feeling a bit left out of things yesterday.

I found a casino and instead of blank screen I got a casino site fortunately already blocked. Then I found another this time allowed to join before I knew it depositing £20, £20 then couple £100s then another £100 was rejected as over my o/draft. Stupid thing is then they allowed me to deposit £20 x about 30 times.

Now way over my overdraft and no money. It is my mums bday today and I cannot do this to her again...

I am convinced that I had left that company before/previously excluded but they had no record of me even joining as their system had been changed. Very irresponsible if you ask me to not keep old records of prior accounts...

Big headache and I don't know what to do the bank will be on my back soon.... is it worth ringing them and telling them I cannot afford payments???

I was doing so well. Seriously considering seeking mental help/counselling..

I reported my problem as soon as the cash stopped being allowed £800 too late....

I feel numb cannot concentrate on what to do. If I wait they will just charge horrific interest rates on going over overdraft. Then next month I am screwed.

Part of me thinks just let the finances get out of hand and then things will have to come to a head I will have to go bankrupt or another alternative.

Advise please I have absolutely no funds available. God knows why the paypl/debit card allowed me to go £600 over my overdraft limit??? Blocked one £100 deposit then allowed loads of £20 deposits???

Any advise most welcome my mind feels shot to pieces

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

When you say "Part of me thinks just let the finances get out of hand and then things will have to come to a head I will have to go bankrupt or another alternative."

.... maybe this is true.. maybe you have become so unhappy and frustrated with your situation with life that you are conciously or sub-conciously choosing self-destructive behaviour ie gambling.

That was the situation with me and i had to go to a very bad place in myself before i started to come out the other side. I can see at the moment that you are only able to focus on your debts and no money. I think you need to take decisive action with your debts. A financial fresh start can kickstart a pschological fresh start.

A final point, nobody has failed you.. the self-exclsuion and blocking software are "aids" only.. they are never full proof. You know yourself just as i no myself... if I really want to gamble I WILL gamble. You really wanted to gamble so you did. It was your choice.

As I say my feeling is that you are choosing self-destructive behaviour in order to force yourself to do something positive in finding a way forward.. i did the same and i think many Cg's do. Its as if we have to lose hope in ourselves for a while before the resolve to find ourselves a better way of living and being starts to emerge.

Take responsibility for yourself and do something positive to help yourself. Life gets better when the gambling stops.. it really does. Take care, don't do anything daft.. all the best.. S.A

Thanking SA for support. Yes you are right I have to take responsibility for my own actions.

Dragging other people into my mess ie family just makes me feel I am cheating them as well as myself.

I am really looking forward to looking back as my mistakes as the past and moving on.

Awayout

I have let gambling steal my cash once again via last relapse and in turn I have stolen from my mother because I have borrowed money I cannot afford to pay back.

I feel pretty low once again and gambling has made me feel despicable because what I have done to my mother.

I am so fortunate to have a mum and people who care for me and I this is how I repay them? More gambling.

I know I would not have gambled had the block worked - my mum really did not believe me when I said 'I did not have to try to gamble online'. The programme really did stop working. What a time too it was coming up to her birthday and things are happening in our family.

I should not have turned to gambling.

I hate the fact gambling is everywhere you turn in UK with lottery, scratchcards now on TV etc etc. I am sure this has contributed to the addiction but I know I chose to gamble.

I must stop to turn my life around. I feel I have no life at the moment because of gambling. All cash is going on paying off debts and still I gamble now and again in a stupid fashion.

Part of my problem is I am a dreamer. I dreamt of having my own place and family + being well off from gambling it has all failed.

Gambling sucks. Al gambling for me. The biggest con every in my life and perhaps history?

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

You were going to gamble irrespective of whether your blocking software was working or not.. you agree?? If not online, then some bookies or some arcade. You were in that self-destructive mode cos of the reasons you describe?? I am a bit of a dreamer as well but reality has to be faced at some point. Bankruptcy or something similar would deal with your debts.. freeing up your mind to work on the things you want to acheive in life. Face your reality with head held high.

Talk to your mum, explain to her that giving you money is not actually helping you to stop gambling. You may then think twice if you know that the consequnces of another gamble would be even more severe if you were not to get bailed out from mum.

All the best.. S.A