Need to start all over!

Hi thanks for support SA. I did let my mother know that I felt bad about taking her cash to bail me out and I am still in debt. I have mentioned before that it will not happen again and I know I have in effect 'stolen loads'.

There have been too many times when I said 'it wont happen again' well it has. I don't gamble to hurt my mother. But I know it does and it is also very self destructive.

I am getting all those negative feelings bacj about being up to my hilt in overdrafts and debt. If the bank called them in at any time I would be at the creek without a paddle.

I am slightly concerned as even with the last bail out the very least I thought would cover me, I still went about £20 over my agreed overdraft and so will be charged. I have nothing to bail myself out and I cannot approach my mother again.

I do not get payed til next Wednesday.

Must remember gambling = money losses= money worries = stress and depression to myself and mum.

It is really not right of me to drag my mum in at my age. I think part of it is I have no other close people like gf or brother or sister that I could ask for help. I am ashamed to say I do envy those on here who have had massive bail outs from close relatives so they can make a fresh start I do not have that. But thinking about it the amount of money I have had off my mother on and off would have probably paid off everything.

A lot of it must have gone back on gambling eventually.

I just cannot trust myself with anymore. I have not stooped to stealing from work or anything like that but I must admit handling large cash the thoughts have passed through my mind at 'desperate times' caused by the gambling..

I need to focus on how much better I was doing when not gambling and how much stress and depression gambling brings to keep me off.

Awayout

Enjoying the lovely weather (although working)

I find just enjoying the sun for about an hour is enough for me as gets so hot!!

Good positive thoughts are now coming back in my head after staying off roulette. I am deep down disappointed I ruined the financial progress and recovery progress I had made.

I am going to try and stay off. I am trying to break down the debt into small chunks and try and see that I am paying off one small chunk at a time. As long as I stay off the heavy gambling I know I can do this.

For example to me £1k is a lot of dosh. But if I think that is only 100 x £10 that sounds much more doable. Or 20 x £50.

Strange as how Compulsive gamblers are quite good at maths and devious to work out winnings etc. Unfortunately also blind to the sheer losses slowly creeping up because of the addiction!

I am going to try and use the same devious mind to get my debt down and fight this addiction.

I like going to church and believe in some kind of God even if I don't believe all in the bible and the 'facts'. I see gambling as a waste of energy and my talents.

I would be in a far better place had ever hour of gambling been spent on something constructive like study/reading etc

Awayout

Feeling more positive today. I seem to in cycles of negativity/positivity. These cycles seem to interact with how I'm feeling aroung gambling. If I have had a relapse I tend get a bit negatve then gradually recover my self esteem slowly.

Relapses although more seldom than before.( I could not go a day without a bet before) are more emotionally draining and make me feel down more easily.

I counted the old lottery tickets lying around yesterday of course not one winner and a stupid waste of money in the hope of winning a fortune...

I am going to try and cut out the lottery I know it is gonna be tough as the lottery has been part of my weekly routine since it began in the 1990s. When I was bout eighteen. Little did I know that I was to become a compulsive gambler - all the little bits of gambling, lottery, horses/dogs and then roulette FOBTs led to my addiction.

Another reason for giving up the lottery makes financial sense as that £20/ a month could go on debts. there are also too many draws - what with Daily Play M-Sat, Thunderball/Lotto W and Sat and now Friday and ***** on Friday.

I think in fact that all the lotto games and scratchcards must be leading to problem gambling. I cannpt belive the government has been so irresponsible in allowing so many draws, allowing the number to grow. The age also 16!!! Surely this will lead to more young compulsive gamblers and adults.

In my view the lottery age should be 21 or at least 18.

Anyway I am buying too many scratchcards (winning nothing) and lotto (winning nothing). Such a con.

Awayout

Hi awayout,

Just been reading your recent thoughts. You seem a bit more positive. I know what you mean about reading and study. My mind is idle and lazy at the moment. One of the few things that focusses my mind is writing on here. I think today I will buy a book. Focus my thoughts. I know I am a happier person when am focussed and using my grey matter. The idle mind is the mind of gambling.

As for the lottery. I havent bought a lottery ticket or scratch card since the summer of 2004. Thats a few hundred pounds that ive been able to spend on other stuff. They are a waste of money. All the best, keep safe.. S.A

I agree lotto a waste. Hardly had a tenner in the last couple years 🙁

Had a stupid relapse a the weekend amusement arcade. Money is replaceable but has made things tight rest of month. Very stressful family situation but I suppose this was a trigger rather than an excuse to gamble

Awayout

Have i read that right????

You suppose your weekend relapse was the result of a "trigger" rather than an "excuse" ie the stressful family situation.

Feel free to correct me if i,m wrong but i dont think you need much in the way of things going wrong to gamble,would i be right in that???

I THINK your nearly there,your on the brink of realisation and will finally be able to kick your gambling addiction into touch once and for all.

I always look out for your diary and i find the things you say insightful and from the heart,you often talk in detail about your personal situation with low paying job,still living at home and upsetting your family and i KNOW you know what to do.

I wonder how much time has passed since you first decided to stop gambling,just imagine if you had stopped all that time ago and NOT had the relapses,how much further would you be on all fronts????

I often tell myself as i guess you do that there are plenty of people in my situation and WORSE!!!! but theres also plenty of people in better situations,is it luck,breeding,right time,right place etc,i dont know but what i do know is you MUST change the things you CAN change from within your own power,everything else,well it is what it is and will be what it will be.

Anything you want to achieve IS acievable if you believe in yourself and not only grab the opportunities but find them,your an educated guy,i know that,are you gonna carry on drifting along and still be in exactly the same position 15 years from now or are you gonna kick a**!!!!!

I hope you find,no i KNOW you will find what your looking for out of life if you stop wasting your time and dig in.

Good luck to you my friend,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

Hi Awayout

I've been reading your diary for some time and you come across as a decent thoughtful person who's trapped in the same vicious cycle as are most of us on here who haven't kicked gambling completely into touch.

Perhaps the main problem for you, like many of us, is you want to hold on to gambling ' just a little ' as a comfort thing for when things get tough. As has been said on this forum so many times before the only people who can stop the madness is OURSELVES. If you were to stop gambling completely - scratch cards included - you WOULD find that things start to fall into place and life seem a little brighter fairly soon after quitting. Our fanciful ideas of ' controlled ' gambling just don't work in practice.

You rightly say that you aren't being very fair to your mother but even if she or anyone else could wave a magic wand over all the debts right now do you REALLY think you would breathe a sigh of relief at drawing the ' get out of jail ' card and STOP gambling there and then ? I think you know the answer.

Please be very, very careful with those tempting thoughts when handling other peoples cash. When those thoughts start entering your head it can be so, so easy to cross that line. Then you would really be up the creek without a paddle !!

If you could only stop gambling COMPLETELY and get this monkey off your back then everything else would take care of itself.

You often talk about your pre-gambling days and how you wish you could be ' normal ' again like other people.

Well you can be but it'll only happen if you STOP gambling COMPLETELY. There's no other way I'm afraid.

Hi awayout,

I can only echo what others have suggested. I think at the end of the day we have to make a determined choice not to reach for the comfort blanket called "gambling".. one day at a time. I will freely admit that i reach for other ways to comfort myself as i have some of the similar frustrations in life that you do. Its just that the consequnces of self-comfort through gambling are just too awful...

Looking at it from a purely financial sitaution.. if you don't gamble, a day at a time for a continuous period of time.. you will for sure be in better financial health which can only be a good thing. All the best as always... S.A

Awayout,

I'm sorry to hear about your lapse.

Can I offer a comment ? I hope it will help you.

Lapses are just not acceptable. The people on this board, myself included, have been in a bad place, as have you. You must either decide that you are going to give this up or not. There is only one option there, by the way. Go to GA. Go to GA daily if needs be. Accept the principles in GA including accepting that you are powerless over gambling. It is not a choice, it is an addiction.

Make decisions to put blocks in your way. e.g. I do not carry cash. It is a pain in the backside a lot of times but otherwise I would gamble.

Be strong and get tough !!!!

Most of all, best of strength to you.

Buzz

As always thanks for your support.

Quite right laspes are not acceptable and clearly I would have paid of some more debt had they not happened over this year. Although the frequency is less they are still painful and more money than I can afford.

It is about time I gave up on all gambling for a protracted period of time and see the benefits. The only way I see myself doing this is not carrying the cash/card and even travelling to places I know where there is temptaion ie arcade.

I have shown to myself that when I stay off and concentrate I can begin to get debts down but then go and splurge financial progress on more gambling - it has to stop this ridiculous cycle!

Pressures at work at the moment new management and some members of team. I do not like my job as it involves selling a lottery product but I am stuck until I can get myself out. So it is about time I dealt with my wasteful and expensive addiction.

Awayout

Thanks for support and all

I really need to get through this.

I am having stupid thoughts about gambling but the headache from last week is still there so I will not gamble.

Back to the hard graft and budgeting to get through the month. I know if I ever want the nice things in life ie house car/ holidays I have to stop this madness

Awayout

....." back to the hard graft and budgeting to get through the month "

As you've said so many times before a person of your age would expect to be in a better position financially. One positive is that you freely admit that gambling is the cause of the problem.

I wouldn't necessarily agree that houses, cars and holidays are the nice things in life as there are plenty of people who have none of those things but are perfectly happy and content.

Happy and content are words almost all compulsive gamblers have forgotten. They are so beat up inside that life is one big worry.

We all know what we need to do. The hardest part is doing it.

Hello Awayout,

hope your well. you are still struggling.

maybe you should only do 50p bets and stay within a budget. i just see that you are finding it hard to stop. maybe low stakes will limit the damage.

all the best in your recovery man.

paulyy

I did not go to the arcade as I did last Saturday. I have just enough left over of overdraft for bills.

I am living from one month to another from my overdraft any progress getting it down seems to go on gambling.

At the moment I am still doing the lottery I know a lot of people said I would be better off stopping ALL gambling.

I could not go about just doing the 50p bet as Pauly suggested I am a binge compuslive gambler - the machines in the bookies (FOBTs) are just too dangerous which is why I am self excluded from local bookmakers.

I know lottery is a sheer waste as is every other form of gambling I do. Any win simply goes on more gambling nothing is satisfied from a win.

I still however think that by a blue streak of lightning I might have a 'lucky break' on the lottery and win enough to pay off debts about 20 thousand for a relatively low stake.

Wish of course I had never started the lottery/Horses/dogs/ virtual games + FOBTs and roulette. That is what led to the £20k debt in the first place.

I feel helpless to this constant feeling of not really wanting gambling in my life and hoping beyond hope a lucky win will end this misery and I can quit. I know its stupid.

Awayout