Need to start all over!

No serious gambling since Saturday 14 August. I am going to make it a target to stay away fom bookies casinos and roulette for rest of the year. If I can do that I will be very proud of myself.

Still recovering from last Saturdays relapse and the week befores binge on roulette lost around 600GBP. Some of the money I did not have in the account. Need to find a fair bit.

That is most of my salary as I am part time.

I am going to have a roulette/bookie/casino free weekend. Looking forward to that.

It has maddened me that my debit card provider allowed me to gamble 400£ I did not have via Paypal and then the bank about a week later rejects most of the payments but Paypal has taken the cash so now I owe them and I have to pay fees to bank for unpaid items.

I am certain the banks allow the draw on your account to go through even when they know there is no cash and it will rebound so they pick up on charges. There is some deal going on between Paypal debut card providers and banks for sure.

I wish Paypal would ban gambling companies altogether. It gives gamblers the 'opportunity' to gamble money they do not have in the hope of a win.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Banks allow you to go over agreed limits because they see potential profits from you in the long term.. until the day they don't of course and then they freeze your account and the demands start. Your debts will go down slowly if you dont gamble.

As for targets for not gambling.. they never worked in my experince. They always set me up for a fall. Don't gamble just for today only and then say the same to yourself tomorrow.. its surprising how quickly the gambling free time builds up that way.. all the best.. S.A

Gambling is cr** it just steals your cash sense of self worth and stability, and also steals from the loving relationships around you as people you love become distrustful and fed up with your actions.

Hope this encourages others to stay off gambling.

No way of gambling on roulette today so a gamble free day. My heart and mood is a bit heavy with the further debt I needlessly put myself in again.

Awayout

Just to say weekend was booky/casino free

Felt really free. Did not have much cash to spend anyway as I needed it for other things..

I still owe around 220£ and more if I count the cash I was given to help bail me out. This time I was not bailed out completely just enough for a bill. Which is just as well as it might have enouraged me to gamble more in the early days of getting over a relapse.

The sickness of gambling addiction is that even after a big loss the gambler still feels like winning back the money wagered.

I am able to fight that demon as very little cash. Over the weekend I found about 40 quid in change and instead of pouring it down the drain it went in the bank to pay a bit of debt off. I do feel quite proud I managed to do that.

Awayout

I have to be honest I have been doing it again

Wages paid in Monday evening have spent them online feel like absolute cr**

One stage had 600 profit with 200 but I know I cannot take the money ever and ended up chasing the loss

My Betfilter came to an end which is why I have got back to gambling online - thought I could trust myself but I cannot...

Now still in debt from August's relaspe and nothing to pay bills with. I have no savings and in the red.

I feel absolutely sick with myself. It is the dreaded roulette again. I found myself playing it and not even being aware of what I was doing after a while the numbers of balance meant nothing until I realised I had put all my wages in and then despair.

Chatted to an advisor here which helped. Did not have the heart to tell my mum. I am 36 and am not responsible for myself. She cannot afford to bail me out she is a pensioner.

Don't know what I am going to do as debts high. I will own up but at the moment I need a good night' s sleep and I dont want to give my mum worry. She already helped me out last month and she cannot really afford it.

So Day 1 Tuesday and I am desperate to see those numbers racking up.

I know what I need to do but only I can do it.

Awayout

Awayout,

What are you like?

The only time I've seen you post on this board(it seems) is when you have just been gambling and you post a message to tell the tale. It's always when you lose and the same old s**t about how you are going to give up and disgusted with yourself? Is this part of your standard remorse process ?

Not sure whether you are a messer or are really interested in recovery. If the latter, I suggest you read some diaries on this thing and start taking things seriously. People have been posting for ages about you needing to put meaningful blocks in place. I think you need either GA or counselling or both. That tale about betfilter coming to and end is typical.... why did you let it expire ? Does history not tell you that you can't trust yourself ?

Get a grip.

Brti

Thanks for your kind words. I realise I have relapsed at least I am being honest though. I still have the problem and know it.

You clearly have not read my diary fully as there are improvements such as putting self exclusion in bookies in places and that takes balls.

I do deserve a bit of a wakeup call though so thanks. As soon as I can Betfilter back in place.

You are right though I am still finding ways to gamble too many times . Seriously though I have had enough all of it that comes from the heart. Lottery everything...

I have also just looked at your diary and it sounds like youre doing great. I would like to get to that point. Like you I have had a nice nestegg and it's all gone and now just large total debt.

It is clear that you must have relapsed several times before making your recovery to have got in that position and at the end of the day we are are all fighting the same demons.

You may not have not intended to but your remarks seemed quite flippant when I am going through a seriously rough time. All people trying to get over gamblgin have a slightly different pathway to recovery. Congratulaions if you are being gambling free and will one day meet your 'debt targets' as set out in your diary.

As we all know 'giving up' is not easy depending on how addicited you are and to what . Everyone is different (and their circumstances) although aiming for the same goals. Just to be clear I am aiming for a gamble free life but I have not got there yet.

Thanks for the wakeupcall and I think you have got things slightly wrong it is the gambling and the addiction that is s**t and not the aim to recover and the times I am gamble free.

Awayout

Awayout,

Just checking in with you. I'm gald that you took my wakeup call as it was intended. Having read your diary and your posts as they appear, I want to see you succeed.

You have done well at times in the past. I would offer one comment in this regard though... you have self excluded and put betfilter in place etc.. but you have not made it an insurmountable obstacle. A gambler will always find a way to gamble (i did). In my opinion (as a relatively new starter on recovery) you have to cut off the source of funds. Not carrying cash or cards is my big thing. I make it permanent, not a decision I make each morning. I might keep minimal cash at home, but I have other blocks at home that will make it really difficult to gamble.

Do you know why blocks work ? Because we want them to. Because they remind us of why we put them in place. They buy a few minutes of potential reflection time before we can get around them, if we really want to. I would suggest to you, that you have done OK putting the blocks in place but they are not strong enough. You need to have uber-blocks.

You are clearly going through pain. I was like you. Thinking that the pain is unbelieveable. I got a right ol shock though. I go to GA to keep my eye on the ball and I work hard, remembering my tough day (June 2nd). You just have to keep the focus Awayout. No more slips !!! This thing will f**k you up. This message board has tales of fraud, bankruptcy, suicide, depression..... its all here. Learn and realise that if you don't get serious about this, your life could fall into one of the above categories.

Wishing you strength

Brian

Awayout,

How are you getting on?

Come on. Let's get you updating your diary in between blips.... how are you feeling ? Any temptations today?

Brian

Hi Awayout,

I must say your reply to Brian's wake up call I thought was measured and considered, which is a good thing in my mind.. working on oneself on ones character and personalaity. Maybe Awayout from the past would have reacted differently, angrilly.

For me its a question of identifying your biggest trigger to gambling and doing something about it. If it is the financial then find it within yourself to do something about it. You know what my opinion is on that front.

Once your financial situation has stabalised then it may help in coping with urges to gamble and you can then start to work on other areas in life that you may want to change. Onwards and upwards.. keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Sorry to read of your constant struggles....sometimes these diaries have too much hand shaking and pats on the backs....maybes that was the type of post needed to put you on the right path again....what i will say is fair play to you awayout,since your diary started many posters on your diary have disappeared probably back to their old ways but you keep persevering...maybes this could be YOUR time...hopefully mate,best wishes you CAN do it 😉

I needed a good sharp kick.

I have been lying to myself too long. I have brrn too half hearted slipping back to gambling too easily.

This has recently been shown when I just bet lose maybe win and just lose that and even more chasing losses. I am trying to limit the hurt of this illness to my close family.

I am hiding I am still up to my old tricks on and off. The same old outcome always happens win or lose I just lose in the end and make no progress to paying off my debts that were caused by gambling in the first place. There is no point to gamblig it only serves itself money wasted on more gambling for the play but there is no real enjoyment or entertainment as some of these companties suggest just wasting more money and getting deeper into debt.

A tough decision but I really mean it this time. Cold turkey no more lottery or any other kind of gambling.

I know I can rely on support from this site despite the amount of times letting myself and others down

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

Compulsive gambling is not about money, it is about not dealing with negative emotions. I belief this statement to be true. Work your recovery a day at a time. All the best.. S.A

Hi Awayout

Like youself I have tried to beat the gambling disease and lapsed many times.

You are right about the going Cold Turkey it really is the only way. On my previous attempts I have, even though I thought I was sincere in my efforts, always left that door open slightly and it always turned out to a big enough gap for the demon to creep through.

We have to throw everything at it and close off any avenues that may give us any possibility to gamble again.

I have handed over my bank cards and have no direct access to money. I get a weekly ration in cash to cover my day to day expenses. It's hard to get used to but also very reassuring to know that the next time the urge comes I have made it impossible to succomb to it.

Also, this time I have seen my GP who has been just great. I continue to do that and it gives me another refernce point. Thankfully, I have a GP who has seen this problem before so has some experience of what it can do to people.

Also I talk openly with my family every day about the problem. They have been wonderfully supportive. It really does help not having to battle it alone.

Reading, posting, giving and receiving support from others on here, some in much worse situations than mine also helps a lot.

There are lots of success stories on here and very few of them have achieved that success at the first attempt.

It seems that we all have to reach different levels of despair caused by our gambling before the penny finally drops.

I hope that for you, this is the time you will do it.

DD

Awayout,

Just bumping you up. Hope all is well. Worried about you.

Brian