Need to start all over!

Just to say thanks for the support Mydiary.

I guess I have been taking a back seat so to speak as I almost feel like giving up on myself, although I know I deserve better than that.

I have been in that 'not very nice place after a patch of gambling again. I am taking things slowly, 3 minutes, 3hrs, etc gamble free. Baby steps is where I am again right now

Bills have just about been paid but in arrears for next month so will have to be careful.

It does feel nice that the rollercoaster has halted again so to speak as there is no money left to lose.

In that dak place. Trying not to be too down on myself and self-pitying as I find that does not help me get back into recovery mode

Awayout

Hello Awayout,

Pauly

Thanks for support Pauly

I have cocked things for last few months. Mainly due to thinking I can trust myself without the Betfilter software when my subscription finished. It has been a costly lesson

The thing with gambling win or lose if you have a gambling problem you want to gamble more. A win never is is the bank long if it ever reaches it! It quickly turns to a loss

I forgot what the yoyo existence was like, I want to be as stable as I can low wage or not!

I am putting the Betfilter back as soon as funds permit this payday - I dont want the temptation on my computer anymore...

Awayout

Hi Awayout

It sounds in your last post like you are giving out advice to someone else,but i guess you are just thinking out loud.

Being on a low wage m8 will mean a large chunk of your money going on betfilter,but as you said it is essential for you and in the long run it will save you money.

I like your way of thinking (you dont want the temptation )by the sounds of things this way really works for you.Ok the last few months have not been good ,but you have abstained for long periods.You can get back there.Do what you have to .All the best Jeff.

Hi Awayout,

Keep working at it.. keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Hi just maxed out a credit card with online (Thursday)

Fortunately relatively small limit few hundred

Anyway had enough. The casino was a bit crooked to say the least . The casino connection was lost several times over the last few weeks when a number repeated itself on roulette , (money on of course and unpaid) either designed to frustrate the gambler or they knew which numbers were coming up... (paranoia or a hint of truth?)

Of course on roulette or any other type of gambling the casino has the edge anyway. But I did the right thing with installing Betfilter back on my PC with my last few quid today. So easily could have blown that money.

I also sent the name of this casino to the blocking company and they will add to their list as it was still being allowed, so I will not only be helping myself but other people with this software.

Still a close call with my bank and I went a bit over so will have to sort myself out and pray they do not call the overdraft in or I am f***** excuse the bad language but feel like swearing how much of an idiot I have been. very irresponsible for not paying my way etc.

My new aim is to have a gamble free life in general. I also plan to self exclude myself from relatively new booky that has opened am in town. I have not been tempted to go in yet but it will be a good step.

No money but more positive acions from a very negative experience. I want the nightmare to end and not be a part of my future or present ....

Yes I know I have relapsed far too much and stupidly thought I could trust myself without reinstalling Betfilter gambling blocking software on my PC but I am doing something about it now. To be honest even the thought of gambling scares me and I hope this feeling lasts.

Awayout

Awayout,

Just caught up with your diary sorry you’re in a bad place right now, we all understand how you must feel the one thing we have got in common is that we are all CG. You have got to accept that you cannot gamble again ever because at the end of the day its all down to CHOICE, we choose to be in the cycle it may not feel like it some times but that’s what has to be accepted.

Gambling for me was a form of self harm, I think it is for you as well. Have you been to your GP? It’s got to be worth a try. Try and forget crooked casinos ect it’s you with the problem and you have to deal with it.

You always comment on your low paid job, a job is a job you are lucky to have one BUT if you want to better yourself why don’t you get back into education? Or try and get another job (doesn’t matter about how much money at first) with a big company and go in there and say to yourself its a new start lets attack this and see were you end up, everyone’s got to start somewhere.

Most of all get as many blocks in place as you can, to enable you to feel strong.

Keep posting.

Keep The Faith.

Feeling much better made use of my time and will be busy Sunday.

The fact block is in place again makes me feel 'safe' in my own home.

The money staked last time was much less than before 100s rather than 1000 or over but in my situation trying to pay debt off a £1 is too much.

Trying to focus on bettering myself as Defeated suggested... Possibility of new start in 2011.. jobwise even if only changing a couple days per week to see how it goes!

No money and waiting to see how my credit card pans out as I have completely lost track of overall losses. is £500 card so hope I have not got over limit!

Anyway nice to feel calm in my homespace which is giving me some free thinking time.

Awayout

Defeated really hit the spot there. Choice is something that we all have to make in life but in our CG lives, those choices are so much more important. I made two huge right choices back in the end of August when those evil gambling thoughts battered away at me and now feel so much better and stronger for this.

Bettering yourself is a fantastic idea. From reading your posts, you seem a well educated person that should not be in a low paid job. OK I know money is not important but job satisfaction really is. Get yourself sorted out money and gambling wise and you can think about embarking on a whole new life for yourself.

And it will be a far better life!

GT

Awayout,

How you getting on?

Brian

Awayout,

you havent posted? did you slip again?

chin up

pauly

Hi diary (and anyone else reading it)

I have got nipped it in the bud as regards the internet gambling and have not been doing that since last slip as have gambling blocking software in place so at least I feel safe on my computer.

As usual after a run of gambling I have felt tempted again on the Saturdays since installing the gambling blocking software.

I travelled somewhere else on a trip not with the intentioin to gamble but for a hobby I do. I think gambling was at the back of my mind. I should have listened to mum whi begged me not to take cards and wallet with me.

I let her down big time and ended up drawing out overdraft cash and bill money in the arcade (£500 jackpot machines). The old syndrome came back where I felt I had to return to the cashpoint to try and get back the money so noone would find out. Idiotic I know.

Now I am struggling for money and 'borrowing' off loved ones again which I hate and they know I probably cannot pay back for some time..

Have reached the same conclusion that the only way to recover is stop all gambling forms including the fairly innocent looking lotto games which I am finding are just keeping me on the gambling bandwagon.

Had a bank review (my own choice) and there is a glimmer of hope I can pay slightly less interest a month on my large overdraft (small amount) but anything is a help at the moment.

I am also focusing on what other ways I can save/make money legally and honestly ie looking at better positions.

I think it certainly will help having a better paid job so the excuse 'I need to gamble' to try and make money because I have not enough income goes out the window.

A momentous day 10/10/10 that date is quite unique. I will try and register it in my mind as my last ever disappointing gambling episode.

I am also going to try and log my efforts as regards kicking the lottery I have been doing it since the start and must have lost 1000s any tips for kicking the lottery as the places to play are on every street!!!?

Thanks for your support everyone

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

I can see that you continue to have a tough time of it.

The thing that I have always related to in your thoughts is that feeling of being "stuck" in ones life situation.. be it debts, be it the family dynamic, be it unfulfilling and not well paid work and whole host of other unmmet needs. I think feeling stuck in life means that "addiction" any addiction will remain close to the individual. I think you know yourself that until life changing events happen through your own actions or not then you may continue to struggle. maybe a small change in one area of life will have a knock on effect in anotther area of life and thhen that will help not to gamble anymore..

Don't get me wrong though.. this aint no lecture.. I have gambled recently which has led to the loss of my job.. which sub-conciuously I think I had planned in a way. But i do think that in time i will look back and feel happier that change has and is happening.. for good or for bad. Stuck in a rut for long periods of time only leads to trouble in my experiencce. keep working at it .. all the best.. S.A 🙂

Thankyou SA

Genuinely no gambling to day which ia a nice place to be in, but no money and feeling fairly low

What really hurt today was the fact my mum thinks I dont care what I have done to her as regards keep having cash and starting to make things tough for her.

The truth is I really hate the man I have become and what I have done to her more in fact than what I have done to myself as regards ruining myself financially.

It is really hard that a loved one does not trust you anymore and I think if I can start making payments rent again etc things will get better but I am in dire straits.

I possibly have the opportunity of a job opening next year but it involves a job that may be less stable but in the long term may lead to better things and will be paid better in a short or long term but it could give me that shake up I need

Awayout

Hi all this is my 555th post on here (replies)

It just shows how much gambling addiction had taken hold for it to still be an issue all these yesrs late (this is my second diary) 2005 was the first yeat I noticed things getting really out of hand.

I can proudly say I have been gamble free since last Thursday not even a scratchcard or lottery. I realise this may not seem much but 6 days for me after even doing small bets like lottery is a big step on the right track again.

I once more went through that stage when my mother drumming it into my head about how bad things were getting bad financially her side of things too because of this addiction did make me think about gambling as an wasy way out as it always does make me think.

Anyway I dont know how I managed not even buying lottery on *****/lotto on Saturday but I did and now feel quite proud about it.

I really need to go at least a few months gamble free to really show I can do this.

Anyway something nice to write on post 555! Nubers in gambling always seemed to fascinate me so lets see of I can apply that to gamble free time!!!

Awayout