Need to stop.

Thanks ODAAT. Your reply was genuinely really helpful and made me really think about things. The truth is that it is a very expensive form of distraction. I think this explains why we continue to plough money in until it is all gone. I remember being disappointed if I won too soon because I wanted to withdraw it but that would mean shortening the time gambling. Really messed up thinking.

Feeling strong enough, I've just been trying to find online sites to open to immediately exclude from. I was really pleased that I couldn't find any that I hadn't already excluded from.

Going to go out on my bike and maybe go to see a film in the cinema.

Went to see Absolutely Fabulous; it was absolutely not fabulous but mildly amusing.

Gamble free day.

So sad Wales lost.

No gambling though.

Slipped again. No further damage done but loads of time wasted and anguish caused to me psyche.

Can't stop thinking about gambling. Feel like I'm going insane.

Sorry to hear it but can only repeat what I said on your thread about K9. You've had a lot of advice and support, particularly about blockers and not going it alone, but nothing is going to change until such time as you follow the advice and make those changes.

CW

Thanks CW. I downloaded K9 but it doesn't work on android. Even if I destroyed my tablet I have access to many other devices in the household. Am working with the counsellor and she seems extremely knowledgeable and understanding. I appreciate that it must be so frustrating for you to read that there are loopholes for the cg to continue gambling. I would like to be in the position to have support within my family/friends but it is not possible. Had my fingers burnt disclosing before and am not willing to go through that again.

I think I have got on top of the self exclusions and hopefully it will be long enough before any new sites open and, even if they do, I can self exclude immediately before depositing. I am very much restricted as to the amount of cash I can withdraw (I arranged this with the bank) so the lure of the arcades has gone.

I am trying my best. I understand that this may not sound good enough but it has helped get my debts down from £60000 to £12000. It's the torment of the urges and the constant thoughts about gambling that remind me of this struggle. Do these ever stop?!

On a happier note: off to my daughter's graduation ceremony today. Very proud mum.

It's not my job to stop anyone gambling! I might choose to point out what's easier unsaid but I assure you that your gambling doesn't affect me.

Two thoughts: if you can blame the disclosee for the discomfort of disclosing, that justifies not disclosing and allows you to carry on gambling without feeling hindered or monitored. Which suits the addiction nicely. And why do you want to live with the torture that you describe in your second to last paragraph? Is it really better than a gf alternative?

CW

You can use gamblock on android device not sure how successful and I think they is a small change but that has to be better than gambling. Or you can block over 18 sites through your internet provider or get certain browsers I think that you can block site that have particular key words like gambling or bingo something worth looking into.

KTF

Thanks KTF. I rang my bank and asked if they could block debits to gambling sites. They said this is not possible, only named sites, but I've already self excluded from the ones I know of. Gamblock is a nightmare. I've had it previously and it didn't work; allowed access to some gambling sites and blocked harmless ones! Paid for frustration and didn't prevent relapse.

Have had a lovely day. Daughter's graduation, then bowling and then a lovely meal.

No gambling.

Good counselling session today.

My last gamble was a result of a trigger from a post on here.

I also feel it is inappropriate for Fand f's to be able to post judgmental comments on a cg's thread. Neither cg's nor f &f's can fully understand what it's like to be in the other's shoes. I have been on both sides.

I will have a break from here for a while and concentrate on the counselling and my own recovery. Reading too much on here makes me think more about gambling.

I wish everyone the very best in beating this.

This post is for me, a way to express how I am feeling.

It is a long time since I posted on here but I am in a much better place as far as the gambling and finances. Reading over my previous posts brings back all the thoughts, feelings and memories of the horrendous grip this addiction had on me. Now I am living a 'normal' life, with all its ups and downs.

I think what has worked for me is 1) Blocks: I self excluded from every site I ever came across. On the few occasions when a possible slip occurred and I tried to open a new account on a casino/bingo/slots site I have been unable as they are all linked to others. I have been so relieved and grateful at this and it has been a long time since then. I don't have the inclination to try any more. I do not have invasive thoughts about gambling and the tv adverts simply annoy me.

I set a daily cash withdrawal limit on my bank account.

I scratch off the 3 digit number from the back of all cards before memorising it.

2) Honesty: I have talked to my husband and we have discussed the fact that we both have a problem with gambling. We support and monitor each other and find other things to do together. I do not feel the need to discuss it with my elderly parents and cause them worry. They have no influence on this issue. In fact in no other circumstance do I risk relapse as, even at the height of my addiction I was able to restrain from gambling when with others as I would have been embarrassed and ashamed. This is my decision and it works for me.

I have almost paid off my debts, which probably totalled £70k+. I dealt direct with the credit card companies and bank (had 2 very large loans). They converted them all to 0% interest set payments. My credit score was destroyed but I was relieved not to have access to credit and never want to again.

I am not complacent and realise that I will always have the propensity toward a gambling addiction. At present I have no interest in it and am able to remember the traumatic feelings it caused. I am able to support my son in university and get pleasure from the simple things in life.

This has taken a long, hard journey but it feel hopeful for the future.