Never going back - only forward.

Just wanted to mention Tracy Crouch, sports minister, fair play to her, she’s resigned her position as minister for sport a couple of days ago, because of the delay for putting massive restrictions on the FOBT’s.

Things moving forward quickly and pressure mounts, the urge to gamble has kicked me and continues to do so, I’m not going for it. Guard Up Bobbyj/ rainman

Hey

Just dropped by to say nice one for hitting the ground running re the new job. I'm happy for you that you were able to do this. It takes real guts to start something significant like a new job with a gambling relapse fresh in the mind. Real guts and determination. You are one tough cookie. Don't forget that. Smash this b*****d gambling from here on in. Keep up the fight.

The job has been good and i have already upped the anti by taking more hours. As far as gambling goes, it’s been tough and i must admit that i have been on the edge of another relapse, writing this down will help me deal with this, it’s up to me. If i mess up now just when I’m getting myself on my feet, then I’m no longer a reliable man and no good to myself or others. Moving on. (Thanks for dropping by signal. Moving on

If i have doubts about myself like i have had in the past, then I may as well throw the towel in now, ,,, no, I don’t doubt myself,not now , not ever, !! And if addiction wants to have a go, my gloves are off and I’m gonna knock it out. .. Movin on. Guard Up

Love this fighting spirit. Keep fighting... You win the battles and eventually the war right?

Hi Signal, the addiction that is in me is part of me, like looking left and right when you cross the road, it can be over looked, taken for granted, par for the course, now that’s where it’s in my psyche, it’s like an automatic thought that can come into my head, and i decide to do it or not to do it, but how many times have you either driven the car to a destination and can’t actually remember the journey that you’ve just made, or again like crossing the road, automatically done, looking left and right, cos you don’t want to get run over do you, but you’ve done it so many times that you just do it with out thinking, but it’s on occasions that you do it and get a jult cos something happened and you do nearly get run over,,,,, it’s hard for me to explain, but it also can be a premeditated gamble,,, so i have to keep on top of this all the time, I’m using my “crossing the road “ idea to get me to safety,, like this, i don’t want to get run over so i will watch my approach, i will stop and think, i will look, i will move forward safely, i will not walk into danger, i will not get run over, i will get to the other side safely, i will move on to the next road to cross, i will think about it and try to remember my journey as i make it, ,,, it’s easy to look back and think i don’t remember, but you got run over, hell of a mess, it’s the journey as it unfolds, think about it, as it’s happening , you’re in control, but just be that one step ahead, ,,, i know,,, this sounds like a head mash, but every time you do it, ,, it becomes built in, like crossing the road, lol, but never ever take it for granted otherwise you will get run over,,, battle won again, ,, signal, you only win the war if there’s battles to be fought, this enemy ain’t gonna go away, so i will continue to fight as it comes, as long as i can see it, i can keep it out the way, moving on guard Up, bobbyj / rainman

I did the multiple self exclusion from all the betting shops that i could frequent and more, but i found that it didn’t work, i found that it only works when i did it personal over the counter, i went into my 2 local betting shops the other night and told them personally that i am actually self excluded, (I have gambled while excluded in these shops) previously i held back from admitting my exclusion, but now I say bxxxxx ! This is me I’m talking about here, i want out, ... the employee in the other betting shop , really speaking to me personally said “ I really don’t blame you “. .. so i feel like the chains have dropped off me at the moment, guard Up, bobbyj / rainman

I also acknowledge the betting shops every time i go past, thinking “i can’t go in there”, it was a strange thought at first, a realisation that i could not possibly go in there, actually putting myself in front of the employee and stating it, is a fantastic thing to do, it’s not humiliating like i felt before, it’s a battle that i won, and I’m cool with that. Guard Up bobbyj/ Rainman

Hey Bobby

I just wanted to say thanks again for the message you posted on my diary. Was a very sobering and frank alert to the dangers of gambling if I don't show it enough respect.

The phone software was one thing and I will heed your warning and not make same mistake again. It just that since your message I've been thinking about a lot about the previous times I have let gambling back into my life in my own deluded way after clean time (and paid severe penalties as a result)

The worst I could recall (out of the many recollections) is convincing myself I needed to gamble to buy a packet of crisps as I didn't want to break my fiver and thought I could make a couple easy quid in one or two spins. Completely deluded myself to give licence for the gambling. Got in a silly routine of doing this and then ended up losing the equivalent of a lorry load of crisps over a period of time.

Gambling takes over your sanity as well as your morals, virtues and sense of responsibility. Your message helped remind me of mad times I have engineered gambling escapades and the dumb excuses I gave myself. I will be taking my recovery MUCH more seriously from here on in. Thanks.

I’ve met people through my life who tell porkys cos they just can’t help them selves, I’ve met others who tell em cos they want to be noticed, others who haven’t got the confidence to talk in general so they make it up, others lie to cover a lie, and so on,,,,,, now me,,, I’ve lied to cover up the losses, I’ve lied to get money, to either cover my losses or to gamble again, either way it’s the same , i have been a liar and i don’t like liars, and i had the audacity to ridicule others who told lies for a different reason to mine, like it’s different cos lying about gambling is acceptable, cos it’s different, a lie is a lie, and i told em, i didn’t used to, when i used to be right at it and fobts weren’t about, i used to make a joke about how much I’d lost, that’s nearly as bad as lying, ,,, i packed up lying, I couldn’t keep it quiet, guilty conscience, or needed to get support for what id done? Poor me? Not right in any shape or form, if i kept it under wraps i was a liar and if i came clean about it , then i was a destroyer, either way i was a destroyer, i was destroying myself , when i had the wins every one was happy, when i had the loss, everyone was distraught, more pressure for me to win, ffs what a mess it all was, you just can’t believe it can ya, used to pay a bill and want the money back through gambling, i worked hard for my money ,always have, and yet I’d think nothing of having a couple of hundred on a dog or horse, it became an absolute nightmare when the fobt came on the scene.... but i sleep at night now, And i don’t consider self harm, i don’t judge people, i don’t tell porkys no more, what i done to myself was inexcusable, i took myself down, to be someone i don’t like , you’ve gotta like yourself,, so i will not make the mistakes I’ve made in the past, it’s about time, cos I’ve made them more than once, this time I’ve nailed it, ,,,, movin on, keeping one step ahead, guard Up, bobbyj/rainman

It’s not nice to admit to my wrongs, it doesn’t make it right either, it doesn’t water it down, to admit to them is to acknowledge them, it’s so you can see exactly what you did, pull no punches, movin on, keeping one step ahead, guard Up bobbyj/rainman

The jobs going ok and I’m appreciated, which is nice, my personal relationships have become less intense and that had to be,, I’ve got plenty to get on with, my old injury in my ankle is dragging me down but not stopping me, although it’s restricted me, i movin forward every day and believe in myself,, sounds like its all about me don’t it,, dam right, getting myself right, . Movin on keeping one step ahead, guard Up bobbyj/ rainman .... oh! And i forgot to mention the addiction, lol,, i can see it, i know it ,,, it’s me,,so i continue to control it. I’m keeping one step ahead

All good and still holding the folding.. Moving on, Staying one step ahead, guard Up, bobbyj / rainman