Never going back - only forward.

Too right mate, good man Signal.

Still moving forward keeping one step ahead, guard Up. Hello diary, My struggle, for years and years i have fought with words , thoughts and actions of aggression against my addiction, the struggle is painful and mind bending, keeping it together for periods of time Has been like the last stand, holding out until the inevitable happened,, only to regroup and fight again , never ever giving up, knowing what i have to do and trying different ways of trying to achieve it, against myself and outside interference i carried on, i am a proud person, someone who wants to be looked up to, but i admitted my addiction to all , no matter how much it hurt, did it belittle me? No! it was the biggest and bravest thing to do, and i made my stand , and this is where i am now,,, every day i see my addiction and i sneer at it, I’ve got it where i want it, and i get on with my day without the anxiety that addiction brings, not stressed out with the fight now, this addiction can’t hurt me now , not unless i want it to. I’ve got it where i want it, i can see it, so I’m moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

I’m working and playing hard, the rewards of not gambling are really showing, but drop my guard and I’ve had it ..i was following the football and thought “I wonder what price my team is for the FA cup “, so i went on to a site to find out, only to see that my cooling off period had expired, i thought £20 wouldn’t hurt to win the cup outright ? Really !! Went into my account and reactivated maximum cooling off period, i can see addiction and im in control, I’m not going to spoil my enjoyment of my football, Not a chance.. I’m moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Hey

You know what you always say about addiction always being over your shoulder and always having it in your sights? Well just wanted to pass by and say I'm totally getting where you're coming from with that... It's sound advice.

I have taken back control of some peripheral addictions last week as I am determined to undergo character change rather than just stay off a bet. Now I realise when you displace addiction in its usual format it will come for you in other ways, make you feel empty, engineer situations where it hopes you will give it a window back in, prey on you when you feel weak, make you believe you are nothing without it, look for you the moment you have a bit of time spare, tries to convince you that old/learnt behaviours are the best behaviours, makes you think twice about changing that aspect of your lifestyle or doing that thing differently because it knows you will be closing one of its doors... and so on.

I'm having to be aware of it at all times... It's too daunting to manage in huge chunks, I just battle on one day at a time and try my best to stay on top. As long as I stay one step ahead of it it doesn't get me.

Thanks for providing me that insight mate, it's only just clicked with me now to be honest but thank god I know now rather than in the midst of a bitter aftermath.

Hi ya, read your last post above a few times, thanks, I’m very pleased that i my journey and the way I’m making my journey is beneficial for you, . I really want you to understand that my control over addiction is not a pressure on me anymore, like it used to be, I to have made life changing decisions that benefit myself, self belief in what i do, going against others who are close can be very very stressful, but not for me anymore, I’ve been through enough, i make the right decisions for myself without hurting anyone and in turn every one else feels the benefit, (except the bookies)! I’m not in control of others, but i am in control of myself, i feel my strength, which is not arrogance or Bobby big b:::::x, . I have found this way to control my addiction through changes that i have made for the better , in the way i live, the way i think, perseptive , sleeping on a decision that has to be made, not taking too much on at once, i will take a lot on, but it will have to wait it’s day as i will work my way through it all, in my time, keeping my head clear, It’s easy for us all to overthink, but i don’t do that, but i do keep one step ahead, you can do that with a clear head. If my life seems to be speeding up and i keep adding more and more that “has” to be done, then I take a pull and i make it wait, i spread it out and put gaps between what “has” to be done, . I won’t put myself under pressure and i won’t let others put me under pressure, i can deal with problems and i do, but i won’t be put under pressure to deal with them, ,,, i understand that what someone else sees and feels as a terrible problem that can’t be overcome, is not a big problem to me, we’re all different, . Rambling on a bit and could go on but i have to keep going back and reading it over, i hope it makes sense. Anyway I’m moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

It makes complete sense bobby. All the things youve listed i have experienced, if left to fester and multiply (like a disease) they eventually overwhelm me and my mind would seek out gambling as temporary suspension... In the same way someone goes to a spa or sauna... Only in my case I am left with years of gloom after my session and want to do myself in.

We are fighting addiction but we are also fighting the need to escape. They go hand in hand. In fact a clever soul tells me it's not even a fight (like you say). Once we surrender to addiction (not succumbing, surrendering - massive difference) we use all our resources to just get on with our lives and make good.

Bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he asked me how’s your luck ( meaning gambling luck), I said that I’d packed it in, he then said that he had also had terrible trouble with gambling and he had now packed it up , it was good to see his fresh smiling face and to see the enthusiasm in him, it’s a far cry from the last time i saw him, what a difference, great to see..moving on keeping one step ahead guard up. Bobbyj/rainman

Hi again diary, someone said to me tonight that they like the saying, knock me down 7 times and I’ll get up 8, i said that don’t work out,,,, if you get knocked down seven times you get up 7 , so to prove it we counted, she was the down and i was the up, good job we went through this cos she likes the saying and was going to have it tattooed, ,,,, it would be better to stay down on the 6th think about it, get up , and never go down again,, anyway, moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Bin knocked down too many times, get up only to floor myself again and again repeat, I’m up, i ain’t goin down no more, moving forward keeping one step ahead guard up bobbyj/rainman

Bad night and today, gambling tried to get into my head and take advantage of my muddled time, it came in and i thought of losing myself and taking myself away from the mess, not anymore , my enemy , addiction my enemy, i got you, now fxxx off, this will sort it’s self out, i ain’t gonna make it worse . Moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

Hello mate

I hope you're ok? What do you mean by 'muddled time'? Things a bit overwhelming of late?

I think I know those feelings, and also how gambling can rear it's ugly head during those times... Nice one for ridding yourself of these thoughts - just remember the act of gambling won't changed a d**n thing in terms of what's overwhelming you... It's just kicking the can down the road.

Organise, arrange, attack, conquer... That's the equivalent of putting the can in the bin. Whatevers bothering you deal with it in the best way you can and keep gambling at bay. Stay strong buddy.

the journey of hope towards better days resonates deeply.

oftentimes we apply strentgh and fortitude but forget kindness. What I mean by that is this: that light and shade exists within any tranformational experience; it is a strength to acknowledge our humaness, our moments of fear and vulnerablilty.

By so doing we can listen to our deepest needs which at that time might be to release the "I will get up and forge ahead" to "I am doing the best I can at this very moment" Doing the best I can is not giving up it is acknowledging that for now I am no longer afraid to slow down, to allow myself to just 'be.'

re-group, re-energise and when ready, forge ahead again. Some of us forget to be kind to ourselves. ...... Yep I’m fine, moving forward keeping one step ahead guard up bobbyj/rainman

Wow. What a powerful post. Amazing insight. I'm definitely in the slow lane for the moment but reading this made me realise it's ok. Thanks

Hey man

I hope you're ok. I had a tough, S****y day - one in which I let myself down in some areas... Addiction reared its ugly head. Made it through though.

I thought of you because thanks to increased self-awareness I recognised where I was slipping and didn't let addiction get a foothold.

"Recovery is an opportunity we must seize, it is something we should seize throughout the day, every day... Seize it the moment you wake up and seize it again when you go to bed.
If you choose not to the opportunity can seize you if you're not careful"

These are my thoughts for the day and I know you'll relate to them... Like you've always said... It's about staying that one step ahead.

Hope you're well

Hi signal, not been to well, got a poxy virus like a lot of people have, but it has hit my lungs and i have a problem with them anyway,, still, I’ve kept working and playing (pint or ten , smile), yes it’s tough when you are going through it mate, with addiction on your shoulder, pulling, pushing, messing with your head, with your life, i remember it very well,, .. now how can i put this without sending the wrong message,, here goes,, my addiction i fought with, i fought it day and night, i gave in to my addiction and was still fighting, i was fighting with my self, i was trying to banish addiction from my life, i was so messed up, i thought this was a real fight to survive, it was, it is,, ,, it wasn’t until i had properly hit the bottom, (I thought I had many times before) but this time worse in every aspect of my life, i gave up the fight, I gave up,,, after a number of days being completely on my own in my flat and another 3 days being in my bed, i didn’t want my life to continue this way, in the past i have self harmed and suicide attempts,, but that wasn’t in my head or my heart, i was thinking of myself and i was never gonna hurt myself again, i was thinking again and i was getting up, i wasn’t gonna be like this, i was on the move, i accepted my demons, i didn’t have to fight them anymore because i was in charge of myself and i call the shots, this was no fight, i am big and strong, I’m not a fxxxxxx wimp, a P***y, no mate, my head was not muddled, i wiped it clear and i was gonna move forward, move up, no need to fight cos i can see the problems and addiction, i just deal with the problems if i want, and if i don’t , then they aren’t a problem, oh I can see my addiction, i don’t have to fight it, it won’t pick on meee , it won’t get anywhere,,, i knock it back every time it makes a move, i keep one step ahead guard Up, but not Up tight 24/7 waiting for a fight, I’m confident, and i ain’t taking nothing for granted by saying that, I’m confident and I’m cool, (big head) lol,,, wishing you all the very best in life, moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman