Well well well.
Not the first time I've been here.
Not the first time I've felt like this.
£2k down the swanny this weekend makes for a bleak Xmas.
Luckily my wife is bailing me out again, I feel like she shouldn't and should leave me but I am grateful she doesn't.
But still she doesn't know the full extent of my web of lies and the debt I've found myself in. Would she support me? Probably. Am I too ashamed/scared to tell her? Absolutely. I am every time, whether it be gambling a £5 on a scratch card or playing £500 hands of blackjack. The numbers in some ways are irrelevant, she will probably be most hurt by the lies although the stress of the potential debt will also hurt.
I can't remember when my gambling started exactly, I gambled for small stakes as a child in local amusement but clearly remember my first walk into a bookies. I'd put Grand National bets on as a kid through my parents, £1 e/w type things and remember a couple of whopping £10 wins! But the first time I walked into a bookies it was smoky, flashing flights on the fruities, people rushing to the counter to get their bets on the next race. It was quite exciting just being in there, I must have been 17-18. I just picked 2 each way bets on the same race pretty much at random, they both returned money, not sure on the amounts/odds/stakes but the feeling was great. For the weeks/months following I would go in and put cheeky lucky 15 bets on horses, can't recall any wins of note but do remember being chastised by my parents when they found out, I just thought it was harmless fun.
Fruit machines were next and probably dominated my gambling for a good 10 years. I played them in my local pub and also in the bookies, I'm sure I had some beginners luck as I remember loads of wins 🙂 Probably selective memory! Then I remember being hooked, 'It's definitely paying' I would tell myself and my mates if I needed a sub. Many times I had to leave my friends early or my girlfriend would go without Xmas presents etc.
I still visited the bookies and gambled heavily, my biggest bet up to about 4 or 5 years ago was a £100 bet on a dog with my student loan. I should mention now I've been gambling over 16 years.
I feel like as I've become more and more addicted to gambling the industry has become more and more tailored towards addict, I feel I've rode the perfect wave.
Now my vice is online casinos. No embarrassment of your mates seeing through your weekly wage in the bandit, no hanging around unsavoury types in the bookies (although maybe I was one!)
Why do I bet on a computer that spits out random numbers? Because occasionally I win. The national lottery never did anything for me, I need something to titillate me. Every now and again I turn £1 into £500 or £50 into £2000 etc, more often than not though I turn £2000 in zero as happened this weekend. Sometimes it's a quick death, sometimes it's a bit more slow and painful, not sure which I prefer.
I've probably missed bits a bobs here but just free typing as it comes into my head.
So, 16 years of almost constant gambling, I should be homeless. I should have no job/wife/friends. Somehow I've managed to keep my life together. 2 women have helped me to the extent I think without I wouldn't be here, my mum and my wife. Both have helped me out massively financially, I'd paid back money where I can but both are seriously out of pocket and my actions have affected their quality of life. The debt they don't know about will probably seriously burden me for the next 5+ years. I'm not sure how other compulsive gamblers behave but I also distract myself from gambling in other ways, compulsive shopping, drinking heavily, never saying no to a night out/holiday away. I cannot afford these things and need to stop.
I've been to GA as a youngster (19-20) and don't think I had the right mental attitude at the time, I got thrills listening to gambling stories.
I've had NLP hypnotherapy, this didn't work for me, not sure if because my brain has been so used to blocking things out I don't think he could get me to open up.
I've been on anti-depressants from the doctor, I stopped taking these as I thought they would make me forget about my problem rather than confront it. I still have my gripes with the NHS and their seemingly lack of interest in compulsive gambling.
Most recently I have been seeing a gamcare counsellor which I did find useful, it helped me understand my reasons for gambling somewhat and understand the way I was feeling and why. It was very much the counsellor probed me rather than advised me in anyway but I had never opened up to anyone about some of the things we talked about which is probably one of the reasons I am a compulsive gambler. These sessions ended for 2 reasons, the same thing was causing me worry, a huge debt which I have that no one knows about and will come to a head very soon. The other was I was only allowed a certain amount of appointments outside of work time.
So my last gamble was Saturday and I haven’t gambled since, I've thought a lot about gambling, the latest thing is people posting winning betting slips in facebook/twitter, that really gets the heart racing! I have 55p left in my coral account and I've logged in several times to se e if they've given me a loyalty bonus I could withdraw but part of me wants to put a long shot bet on or find a low stake roulette table. After all I have won in similar situations before.
I will be closing down the account and following the steps to self-exclude from everywhere on Thursday. I am set to received £100 as a cash bonus and at this time we need every penny we can get. The loyalty bonuses are a good way of the bookmakers keeping you hooked, the amount of times I've hung on for a bonus then gambled more than the bonus in the meantime is ridiculous. Coral also give me £100 deposit match so I can turn that into £200 and turnover £800 on roulette, this is my next challenge. Part of me thinks it's a guaranteed win, which it probably would be to a non-compulsive gambler.
Anyway, enough about gambling, it probably sounds like the same old story to you guys on here. Nothing really stand out about it.
I need a plan to move forward. My main worry is money and along with that letting my family know the mess I'm in, I don't feel capable of doing this at the moment, mainly because I don't think they'll help me due to me being nowhere near a 'safe bet' for them.
So what do I have -
A job - I earn over the average salary in a city centre job as a manager. Gambling has without a doubt affected my work although they wouldn't know it. My intention now is to start living up to my potential, who knows, might get a pay rise and help with my financial woes. Most important I stay in work.
Family - I don't talk to my family about my problems, I never have. This is something that came out of my counselling sessions. I find it much easier to type this to a load of strangers than I would tell my wife, maybe one day I'll show her.
Health / Wellbeing - I don't feel healthy, although I am relatively fit from playing all manner of sports over the years. Recently I've given up, I take no enjoyment from it, sometimes I feel I have given up on everything. Today I am out and about getting some exercise, may as well start a month early before the New Year detoxers! I don't sleep much, I know exercise helps with this.
So I guess today is day 1, yesterday I barely moved out of the house so no point in counting this.
Off to work and try to keep my mind busy then off to the gym straight from work.
I'm no person to give advice following my weekend, but your story sounds very similar to mine, I too started betting on the Grand National as a kid and as a 16 year old found myself going into local bookies and putting small bets on which grew to bigger and bigger bets. For the past 18 years all my wages have gone on gambling and my mum and ex girlfriends have bailed me out.
I reached a point last year where I had huge financial problems and I put it off time and time again before eventually speaking to my parents. For months I was having sleepless nights and I felt so much better once I had talked to them. You will feel better if you speak to your wife or mum about your issues, its hard for us gamblers to be honest, but if you are truely going to beat this the lies need to stop now. One of our worst traits as gamblers is how we lie and decieve those closest to us, and I have myself done so this week.
Good luck mate, people on here come and go, I hope you are someone who will stay the course and find a way that works to beat your problems.
Welcome to the forum,
That story sounds familiar to me too, starting out fairly small and with relatively small bets, over the years it escalated, and after gambling for ten years I'd found myself stuck in the same rut of gambling everything and finding myself back at the same rock bottom.
Well done for facing your problem, trying to cover it up with excuses and lies is the natural instinct of the gambling addict's mind, I know I'd thrown out plenty of different stories over the years. If you don't want to speak to your family about your financial problems, then the next step would be to speak to a debt charity or another independent organization such as citizens' advice. If your credit is in reasonably good shape, you might be able to transfer some of what you have on to a 0% card, alternatively they may also recommend looking at making repayment plans with your creditors.
Hope the gym leaves you tired but feeling slightly better, it certainly does the job for me when I can motivate myself to go.
Fight through the first few days, and you'll find your gamble free routine starts to develop. Build those walls of resilience high and firm, as gambling's temptations will come back.
Stay strong,
Ryan
Hi tearsofaclown,
Like Bornagain, I don't feel qualified to give advice but I am on the road to recovery after nearly 3 decades of progressive gambling...I started as a child on fruit machines with 5p stakes & massive £4 wins paid in tokens & over the years progressesd to the ones in the bookies churning out pieces of paper! It has gotten easier to gamble & it is mugs like us that have made the merciless industry capable of sucking in more poor souls!
I think your day in bed does count, I know for a fact I have counted mine! Keep up the counselling, instal the blocking software on your computer, if necessary, turn your finances over to one of the amazing women in your life...I am sure given what you say about them, they will be happy to help you beat this Demon.
You must stop mourning the past, get a financial plan in place to start paying back your debt & slowly you will start feeling emotions again! Do whatever it takes to stay the course this time!
Best of luck!
Thanks for all the input guys, very motivational.
Just had a walk into town to pick up some lunch, walked past a few bookies I've wasted too much time and money in over the years. Natural instint was to go in and put what little money I had in one of their FOBT but walked on.
Unfortunately my credit rating is around the same level as Eithiopia and a lot of the debt is already in my wifes name, obviously adds a bit to the guilt.
The remaining debt is to a friend who doesn't know I've spent it so I am hoping my family will help me cover the debt to my friend in order not to fracture any further relationships with other people. I need to show them some signs of hope before I ask them to invest a lot of money in me. Maybe in a few weeks I will feel stronger to do this.
Cheers
I know the official advice from debt charities will be to pay off the highest interest debts first, but for me personally I paid back all of the debt I had with my family first, as that was the money that weighed heaviest on my conscience. Well done for passing that bookie by, nothing positive would have come from pushing that door open.
All the best
Ryan
Just realised I've made a massive grammatical error on my thread title...
Certainly won't be able to sleep tonight! 🙂
Hi Tearsofaclown, I can relate to your story very well, undoubtably a lot of us compulsive gamblers share the same stories. Relate especially to the smaller stakes but the obesession was always there, to the "it s going to pay out " on the fruities to the point of being so engrossed i sometimes p_ss_ed down the side of the machine as I didnt want anyone playing it when I needed the toliet!, Crazy ! (Sharking we called it where im from ((someone sneaking onto ur machine when u put loads in it))
I was always always the last player on the machines entranced by the lights and features. Flip what a hold it had on me , leaving my mates early in nights out as we were in bars with no machines, to be on my own playing some stupid slot machine!
Sorry im babbling on but its stirring back old memories, and the power of addiction!
I've no real advice only to say , that life is so much better when im not gambling! Im 12 weeks free tomorrow.
Wish you all the best on your journey of recovery. Keep posting
Thanks for the comments Gav.
Just back from the gym, nice just to exercise without rushing home to watch a Russian football match!
Started to look at my finances earlier and whilst it's gonna c*****e me for the 1st year especially it's not the end of the world. If my wife didn't have so much debt already from my previous gambling episodes it wouldn't be too bad.
Got a lot of making up to do at some point but time to fix the cause of the problem first.
One of my ideas in the past is going for a complete change, change of country in particular, a lot of countries with strict gambling rules also have great tax free salaries so could pay of debts quicker without the chance of gambling. If I was on my own I would seriously consider a trip to the UAE. Anyone else ever had those thoughts, or even carried it through??
Yesterday wasn't too bad, kind of cleared my head and set out a plan with some blockers to help me abstain.
Nice to go to the gym again and chat with my mate.
Today's not started off too well, not gambling related but finding my fuse has become quite short. Especially with colleagues who don't know the situation I'm in and they are pressing the wrong buttons. I would tell my boss what the issue is but I know from experience she likes to gossip about everyone so not sure it would do my career any good despite we are a big company that is supposed to have prestigious hr departments set up to support this kind of thing.
Was about a millisecond from putting my coat on and walking out and going to the doctors to say I am stressed but again I think they might have been destructive although I could do with some time out to cool down.
tearofaclown
welcome to the forum,your opening thread could have been a page taken from my own life with the exception I did not graduate tot online gambling,I stayed feeding my hard earned into the fobt,you might say a mechanical man in the digital world of today.
I hope you continue to embrace recovery and the potential it will gift you to actually deal with the debts your compulsion has brought.
Are you planning to confess to the amount of debt?? or like me wait for the house of cards built upon sand to get blown apart,because given my time again I really do think that is th eone thing I would change,to have told my wife rather than she find out through opening a letter to find out our house was to be repossessed the following day.
I put my wife and family through twenty plus years of progressive losses before I hit a point of no return,even then I ran to commit suicide,I couldn't face up to the truth,only but for the grace of a fella who stopped me in my tracks did I get the opportunity.
My advice plain and simple
Put it all on the table,the lot,don't leave a single stone unturned,because if you do it will play into addictions hands.
Gambling had a great ability to box me into a corner,like a lemming I was always the first to jump straight in and like you I am pretty gung ho at most things,even recovery !!
But without doubt if you gift recovery but half the effort you gift your gambling you too will soon be all in.
Regards the short fuse,is it not the result of the gambling?? the lie you are living?? the fact that you cannot tell a soul about it??
Because fella I have worn those shoes,I have lived the two sided life that gambling addiction breeds.
Life will not change by the act of you arresting the next punt,but believe me it will offer you the opportunity to not only recover from that last punt but to also live a life without gambling ruining your life.
Take all the help out there,that comes first of all through you helping yourself,yes it won't be pretty,it will be emotionally horrific and it will take hard work.
But it will at worst mean those you hold dear will too get a chance to live without their lives being destructed all because of love.
I hope you embrace this amazing journey,invite your family to dothe same
There is no shame for me in admitting our shortfalls inlife the shame comes if we continue to repeat them.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Great words Duncs.
I am planning on confessing to the debt, I have to, for reasons I can't really go into here. It may be thrust upon me sooner rather than later but I definately do not plan on gambling as a way out any more.
I rarely feel an overwhelming urge to gamble,I usually convince myself I can handle a small bet. Truth is, once I've had that small bet I'm hooked, whether it be on the next spin of the wheel, the next football match etc.
Really just need to stick to the basics, take away the temptation and opportunity, grow stronger and become a better husband, friend, employee and feel good about myself. The money/debt will naturally become less and less of a problem as a consequence.
The short fuse is a new thing to me, I've always laughed things off, been the joker in the office, friend to all. Recently I've become highly strung, probably the realisation of my gambling problem and it's side effects.
Maybe it's just a way of getting the emotions out as I'm not a very open person, I felt strangely relieved after almost breaking my arm putting it through a wardrobe a few weeks ago. Hopefully the gym/sports will help with releasing some negative energy.
Hi Tearsofaclown,
Totally relate to the short fuse syndrome. I found a lot of anger building up as I was so angry with myself for letting gambling take me over completely. And like you say, I found the most trivial things would see my anger-o-meter go from 0 to 60 in a millisecond. Not good, but an obvious result of the underlying gambling problem I had.
I have noticed that I have chilled a bit over the last 7 days (without a bet), since I re-joined the forum. I hope you can find some peace in recovery and the gym/sports sounds like a great place for you to start. You've made a great start to recovery by beginning a diary.
Keep strong my friend
All the best
Ade
Also worth mentioning I've got an unexpected £68 in my bank account. This time last week I'd probably have a plan that went a bit like this:
I'll deposit £8, play a few hands of blackjack, could easily get up to £50. Put £50 on a few games on tonights football. Win £500, bring some relief to my financial woes.
Reality is, even if I did win £500 I'd lose it all within the week and more.
My total debt at the moment stands around £40k - that's the figure that continuously plays on my mind. However I once won enough to pay it all off, did I? Course I didn't, gambling is far more complex than a way to make money.
I'll keep my £68 in my account, pay for my secret santa and still have 58 smackers left which should do my Xmas party also. Learning the real value of money is something I need to do, in time.
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