Day 1
Time to start my own diary and put down all my thoughts and feelings, so when I am feeling weak and have the urge to gamble, I can read this and remind myself how low I feel right now.
After 12 days of not gambling, last night I gave in and gambled again. At the time I really wanted to do it and somehow talked myself into it throughout the day. And yet waking up this morning, after losing more money (of course), I felt physically sick at what I'd done, ashamed, guilty, lonely ... all the horribly familiar feelings flooding back.
This month I have taken so many steps to try and beat this - I opened up to a close friend and my family about my gambling, this was a massive weight off my chest. I told them everything and cried and cried but they were very understanding and supportive. I have sought advice on my debts and have all the paperwork through to start my DMP. I have had a counselling assessment and have my 1st session booked for Wednesday and I attended a GA meeting this week. I was feeling proud of myself for taking these steps, but gradually over the last 2 or 3 days I have been feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing. I think my guilt and my fear about repaying my huge debts (about £45k in total) are completely overwhelming me and I feel unable to cope. I spend all day worrying about things and it's exhausting me. On top of this, my job is at risk of redundancy (along with others in my department) and I am just waiting to find out whether or not I will be one of those chosen for redundancy. 2 weeks to go until we find out ....
My daughter is with her dad this weekend (for the first time in 3 weeks) and being alone in the house has not helped with my feelings. I went over to see my friend yesterday morning and we went for a lovely long walk in the woods with her dog, but even then I was planning that when I got home I might gamble. Why??? Why am I doing this. I know I cannot win because I cannot stop. And yet a small part of my brain says to me maybe I could win big and pay off some of my debts and then I would feel better.
I know I can't solve all my problems overnight, but I just feel so overwhelmed by everything right now.
I will go to GA again next week as being with other CGs was a huge relief and listening to other people's stories had such an impact on me and made me feel less alone in all this. I will also go to my counselling session on Wednesday. That will be 2 steps to feeling better. I will also try not to worry so much 🙂
I will beat this.
Thanks GT
I self excluded from the main online site I had been using, but last night I opened a new account. I have a relatively new laptop, on which a family member has put blocking software on for me, but I still have my old laptop which I dug out last night and started using. Very sneaky. I must get rid of it so the temptation is not there again.
Day 2
Today has been a little easier, though I was at work so less time to think about gambling and less time worrying.
I have sent off the paperwork to StepChange today so my debt management plan should soon be in place, hopefully that will make life a little easier, though now I am questioning what life will be like trying to stick to a strict budget. Very scary for me as I am not good with money and like to be able to buy things that I want. I rely on credit cards too much and now I won't have access to any credit. I am so worried I won't be able to make it work. On the other hand, I'm sure a strict budget will help me to understand the value of money again and how to make it last. Let's hope so or it will be beans on toast for tea every night!
GA meeting tomorrow night so I'm looking forward to that ... being with other people in a similar position, who understand my feelings and fears, I need that right now.
Day 1 again ...
I am forcing myself to write in my recovery diary again, although at the moment I am so overwhelmed by anger, shame, regret and sadness that this will be a short post. 2 nights of gambling in a row, 2 nights of losses, 2 nights of little sleep .... and I feel the lowest of the low.
I will not gamble again and I will come on here and write in my diary every day to keep me on the right track.
"We cannot win because we cannot stop."
x
Hi
Do what I did and get the Internet cut off I have saved £1000s and it has stopped me gambling online all together. I'm slowly repaying debts. There will be light at the end of it. It just starts with will power and yourself. I make sure every penny counts now. And enjoy spending a tenner on things instead of losing £1000s in a day online. Good luck.
Day 2
I have been busy today and managed to distract myself, so it's been a little easier. The urges are still there though.
I will not gamble.
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