New Diary

Very nice Suzanne, is the bad weather affecting you area? having a glass of white wine?

Yea it was either go to work or sit at home watching tv so work won. My mood changes often but im ok mood now.

need to plan my journey to the hospital for friday, ill be in work that day so need to make sure ill have enough time for the scan

It's very windy here but where I live we are high up and on hills:)) so apart from the horrendous wind and rain, we won't get flooded it :)) we live on a hill, and not near a river,

Hey you made a good choice today to go to work, Friday will soon be over with, but you must put that scan before work, it's important Strohen, my son has his op a week on Monday, he has a growth on his tongue (of all places)

I am keeping positive for him and you, because you will both be ok, as long as you and my son don't gamble, ( me included of course)

Told you I was listening to Adele, the song that stands out for me is a million years away, have you heard it? Might be a bit soppy and romantic for you lol, but I have always been a romantic, and thst song says me for me :))

Keep strong xxxx

Suzanne xxx

Yea Suzanne ive never been to this hospital before so ill do a test journey during the week. They are having the work party on Friday anyways so no one is going to notice if i leave early.

Sorry to hear about your son. Hope he's going to be ok. Stay strong.

Ive only heard the current adele song on the radio and thats pretty catchy to be fair.

Every week there seems to be a new problem and just sick of it. It is a good thing that i went to see the eye doctor and that he referred me for a scan. But im just thinking " f*** sake another bloody drama"!

Hi Stephen,

Thanks for your post, you are really kind to go to that trouble with all that is going on with your upcoming scan. I too will be thinking of you on Friday. You have made many friends on here. So I am back to all those feelings of what I should have done differently. I didn't even enjoy back playing the slots. I just had absolutely no control and could not stop until i reached my credit limit. I never felt I was as bad as other gamblers and lived in hope of regaining control and playing occasionally. That is now gone out the window. Today I am trying to accept the fact that I can never gamble again & that is what will make the difference. You did 100 days so you too know we both can do it. We know the rewards for not gambling. Yet still it is hard going! Hope you get a phone for xmas! Suzy

Stephen.

Fella I am impressed by the attitude you are bringing to life, from that I hope positive things grow.

Life is a fragile thing at times and cruel in many ways but rather than run and hide to face the things in front of you will bring greater outcomes.

I hope your scan provides a solution to your problem, whatever it be there is a wealth of fantastic treatment available.

I am here by your side along with many other good folk as always offering unconditional support.

Regards Duncs

Hi Stephen,

Thanks for you post, yes Xmas shopping coming along slowly but surely on a strict budget lol, but less strict than last year, so that is positive lol.

Hope you are feeling ok, and staying positive, and safe

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Suzy i really hope your doing well and i am thinking of you, I cant give advice but dont give yourself a hard time over your slip and please dont let it affect your recovery.

Thanks Duncan im feeling alright today to be honest, Im not sure where the hospital is so im going on a test visit after work and see how long ill need to get there and find my surroundings.

Slow and steady Suzanne hope your son is in good spirits

Son is getting stressed again :((, but is good to read that you are in good spirits :))

Keep positive and take it nice and slow.

Suzanne xxx

Have a "performance" meeting with the main manager tomorrow. Just got the invite there. Its not a good thing. They have been trying to push me out and even offered me money so im guessing tomorrow he will try another attempt to get rid of me.

Then i have the scan later that day.

I could really see myself trying to kill myself tomorrow. Im used to talking knocks but two knocks like that in one day and i reckon ill be done.

The main manager has always hated me in there and i got some heat when he began sitting near me again. I honestly dont know what ive done to deserve all this.

Hi Stephen , Don't talk like that my friend !. You don't know what the scan will tell you yet and when you do find out , if there's any thing wrong? then you deal with that as and when .

It could be something or it could be nothing so stay posotive until you know more eh ?.

And as for the job situation !, well no job is worth killing yourself over , work is what it is , just a means to an end , it pays the bills and thats pretty much it , if it were to go then what ? , you find another , it's not the end of the world my friend .

You have two seperate issues there Stephen , both totally unrelated and both down to life throwing a spanner in the work's now and again , nothing more !.

Just take a deep breath and deal with each as it comes .

Thinking of you my friend !

Alan

You will feel under pressure with the scan appointment tomorrow, and that meeting won't help, but keep strong my friend, you are coping well, try and stay positive, you are doing really well,

Thinking of you and sending you calm and positive thoughts.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks for the posts guys. I really appreciate the help and the help of others on the forum over the last year.

Ive been having work meetings for months now, they speak to me like absolute dirt. Im done with them.

And the doctor virtually said i had a tumour so im not expecting anything tomorrow.

And to be honest i feel both these things happening is a sign. On the 11th Dec last year i was at my xmas party, getting loads of compliments., feeling good about myself and even had started seeing a girl. I gambled a few weeks after that and its a been downhill since.

I havent had a proper nights sleep in a long time and tomorrow's news will just prolong the agony. I dont want to have to start applying for jobs and i dont want to have any hospital visits.

Ultimately people dont like me. I dont know why and thats probably the problem. I really never saw my life like this. Everyday being a struggle.

I wish you well. Dont gamble x

Stephen I am listening, keep venting if it helps xx

Hi again Stephen, I can understand your concern over the Tumour it must be so worrying for you right now ,but again that's something to deal with when you have the facts , as for the 11th , It's a number and just a number , like the one's I thought were lucky for me when I gambled but they actually mean nothing . I can remember seeing a No 23 on the side of a bus as I went to the casino one night and saw that as an Omen from the gambling god's ! . What was I thinking then eh ?.

There's no doubt that a lot of the feelings your'e going through are because of the gambling , it has that effect on us all and is to blame for the way we now look at ourselves and lack of self esteem , combine that with your work issues and it's no wonder you feel the way you do .

Try not to focus on the work issues ,"Que Sera , Sera !, my friend , just for the next coulple of days think of your own well being and the rest will take care of itself.

Talk to you soon my friend ............................Alan

Hi Stephen, what a day for them to pick your Performance review? Just stay calm & pleasant, you can do this. Have you thought about telling them at work about your appointment? Would they be sympathetic? Will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. Take care, Suzy