New me

Hi Strange

Just read through your diary. I totally get where you are coming from when you say you just want to be "normal" and look around at other "normal" people. Before I started my recovery journey, I would often find myself looking at other people when I was shopping (but hardly buying anything at the time). I would look at them when they were paying with their debit cards or opening their purses with money in them. I would be thinking, "they must have money in their account to buy things, even the most basic things like food. I couldn't wait for the day when I could become "normal" again and go shopping with my card and use my "big purse" once again.

You are doing so well and have the right attitude setting yourself goals along the way. I feel that setting my own mini/long term goals have really helped me to continue.

Take care and remain strong.

Feb.

P.s: I hope you don't mind me asking but are you female or male? I get the impression you are female like myself but when Duncs calls you "fella", I think otherwise!!

Hi I am female aged 55. Duncan I think calls everyone fella but I quite like that. He's a real star always with so many words of wisdom. I value his input. My story is that I had a really high position and retired at age of 51. I got a good handshake and paid off loads of debts including my mortgage. I extended the family home and went on a couple of swanky holidays.

I then started to gamble. It started with a trip to bingo with my sister. Innocent enough but found myself waiting for her to arrive and threw a few 10p s into the machine. You have all been here before . What started as something innocent then become my problem. The 10p s turned to 20 notes and so on . Now 4 years later I am where I am . In a whole load of debt and working again to pay off the same. My wish is that I never gave up work as the boredom is a factor for why I started in the first place. However that said I quite like work but found myself still wanting to gamble in between. Right at this minute I feel as though I could go straight out and gamble but I will not.

Why? I cannot afford to! I love my family too much! I want to feel normal again!

I never gambled at all until 4 years ago but it got me big time and I can only describe it as a gambling binge!

I am so determined to beat it and only hope the next 4 years aren't so tough and that I can pay off what I owe!

It's good to put this down in writing because it reinforces where I am, what a fool I have been and what I need to do next. I should also say I am so ashamed of myself I feel like screaming!

Last day of 2013 urges totally battered. Looking forward to gamble free year and gonna swim,my way into,recovery. Local pool offering good deal so gonna go swimming any time I feel like gambling

I haven't gambled this year. Want to hear myself saying that for the next 365 days! Guess what I haven't gambled this year not going to either! Day 40 xx

Hi Strange

Thanks for your reply to my post. You are doing really well, even if you are still fighting urges. It happens to us all. It just shows that you have it in you to remain strong and resilient. Part of your story reminds you of me - I started gambling seriously around 4 years ago and before this, had always managed my money and had an excellent credit rating for many years. I now have a huge debt to pay back. I just have to remind myself of how strong I am with every other aspect in my life and continue to apply that strength to my recovery. I too, feel like it was a "binge" purely for financial gain to try to help someone out. I also believe, that I will get myself back "together" and continue to "fight the fight" and bring my life back to normality for the foreseeable.

Take care Strange and remain strong in your plight.

Feb.

Haven't gambled this year. Not going to either . Day 41. Just got paid watching the direct debits going out of my account makes me want to cry! Why oh why oh why!

Not gambling today. One day at a time. Trying to be a better person. Setting realistic goals on a daily basis. Today I am sorting out my wardrobe!

On my weekend off I am sorting out everyone else's. This month I will have reduced my debt further. This year I will become more fulfilled by doing what is best for me and my family

Last night shift. Worried about urges on weekend off so going to take take credit cards to work and lock them away before Monday late shift.

No gambling today.

Hi Strange

I think that is a good idea for you to leave your cards at work if you are feeling tempted. That way, when the weekend is over and Monday comes around, I am sure you will be really pleased with yourself but more so, relieved that you have not gambled!

Take care, you are doing really well.

Feb.

Not gambling today! Glad to be back at work!

Had another slip up. So disappointed in myself, I am starting over again. I cannot continue to allow this to happen and wish I could talk to someone but I am so ashamed of myself I cannot. Everyone looks up to me and to admit my problem to them would destroy me. I will again try to sort this mess out myself, please god give me strength.

Didn't feel like I could read these diaries during my slip up. Stupid stupid stupid should read them every day, so inspirational. Well I know what I need to do have linked in to a couple of challenges. Also just read a post regarding how to cope with urges. Says that most gamblers are impatient, wow that is so true of me ! Will have to learn wait and let the urge pass over! Here we go !

Strange

Well done for not giving in, it is a commn theme of recovery to see authors here disapear after returning to gambling, the same in my Ga room too.

Why not use the forum as your voice, come here post your feelings, the folk here are all like minded, nobody is here to judge you, my friend I have walked in your shoes, feeling the shame of my addiction, isolating myself from the world.

the problem is each day you step further away, addiction takes a tighter grip.I believed it was my only friend, yet with each loss it turned it's back only interested in what I had to give.

Ask yourself this question

What has gambling given me??

for me the answer is misery, the misery outweighed any winning bet I ever had.

Lastly have you considered phoning the gamcare support line, they can help you with counselling, it is free and can be a great help.

You are not alone, together we do stand

duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the encouragement guys, as ever very supportive. My trouble is I do need to speak with someone and I will make an effort to do so in next week. I have to do this when no one else about as feel if I open up my heart I will become so emotional . I have to buy new car and that is increasing burden on my finances so I am so determined to beat this thing . Rambling now but glad to be back.