New me started 5th June 2020

Hi diary day 24 hubby away just me my son and the dogs lovely. 3rd counselling session tomorrow lots to talk about still wish things were face to face maybe soon you never know. Searched where my local GA  meeting would usually be so if they manage to start up again know where to go.

Hiya Charlieboy 

I hope your counceling goes well tomorrow 

When I've had counselling in the past sometimes I came out feeling worse than what I was before I went in, but I guess it's just everything you go through I've had a few hour sessions on the phone but it's ment to be on zoom but I've not been able to get it to work on this tablet for some reason but I've got to get it to work on Wednesday as I start cbt course with the nhs gambling harm service. I don't know how it will go but I'm going to give it ago, let me know how you get on. Good luck 

Hiya, just wanted to say thanks for your supportive comments the other day.

Iv'e just had a read through your diary. Glad you have faith that you can live gamble free and well done on your gamble free time to date. At least you know what your trigger is. If you can consistently react differently when you feel triggered then things will steadily get better. That's the hard bit... being consistent in recovery. I use to go for long periods of time gamble free but in recent years I haven't. We got this bug for life... just gotta keep working at it.

Onwards.. S.A 🙂

Th SA . Yes slowly coming to terms that this is a lifelong problem and I think that for me that's going to be easier mentally than living with the fallout from gambling. I wasn't brought up to lie be deceitful and everything else that goes with any addictive behaviour /gambling. In the full throes of addiction the guilt etc was so bad that I actually had panic attacks whilst gambling. Game changers for me have been signing up to gamstop and husband having control of finances. But I am in no way complacent and without the blocks I wouldn't be confident. I hope that you are well on the road again SA and ty for posting for me I should have added a third thing to my gamechanger list. This forum and the support I get and advice. With best wishes

Day 26. Going ok . Husband still away till Thurs night. I feel terrible saying I'm less stressed with him away but it's true. Oh  dear not good this is hard ,tell him I miss him but I dont. Does this count as lying?? Now I'm not gambling and having to cover my tracks anymore I've been really trying to be totally honest.......

Day 27. Felt really upset reading lottys thread. Some of the things her partner had done I've done and I felt ashamed all over again. I read some things and think that I was never as bad as that.........that's wrong I lost best part of £3k in 3days I won £XX started off with really good intentions. Paid the small balance off one credit card. Paid a good chunk off the other card..... My husband thought that there was no balance on this card truth was I had run up £14k . I replaced £700 into savings that I had gambled the week before. We had £600 upstairs in case there was a problem in the bank during lockdown well I had put it back in the bank and gambled it. So I put that back upstairs. We were £500 overdrawn in the bank as well so that was taken care of. I left myself £500 in my account to gamble with. Guess what I did..... Gambled the £500 used the £700 savings went back up to £500 overdrawn. Then I withdrew money on credit card  put it into account to gamble therefore running credit card back up again. All this I did in 3days. And I still felt that I had done good as the one credit card stayed paid off ! and I didn't touch the £600 upstairs. Seriously that's good !!! What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. And that guys is compulsive gambling at its sordid worst. How did I get away with this well my husband trusted me with the finances as he was working away a lot I did all the banking paying bills etc. Funny thing I always paid the bills etc but the minimum payments on the credit card had reached £400 per month . I deleted all emails about banking opened  all mail etc etc sneaky and sly.. I do not want to go back there , I hated lying covering my tracks. But I am scared.I don't think I will ever be able to have access to our finances(dont think husband will ever trust me anyway) and I've blocked my access to gambling for 5years. I'm scared because .... Am I only not gambling because I can't ??. Maybe I shouldn't dwell on it too much I'm not gambling end of, day 27 today

Day 28 feeling better than yesterday. Does it really matter the ..whys...when...how. No what matters is I've stopped gambling I'm dealing with issues. Going to move forward no good will come of being stuck in the PAST !! One day at a time 

Hey diary think I missed a few days anyway no gambling so all good . 2 rainy days always makes my fibromyalgia worse and gambling was always my go to in these circumstances. So felt a bit off then last night Chris posted some powerful extracts about addiction and a line hit home I'll post it next

The line is. *Never forget that I will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner* that's the feeling like I'm being watched and something is waiting to trip me up. Anyway good thing I know what it is and I'll deal better with it next time. I'm trying to think of things I can do to fill the gaps.

Hi Charlieboy,

It's a powerful line but with a simple but not so simple counter. Effectively it means to not get complacent. Always remember you have this addiction, treat it with the respect and caution it deserves and you'll be okay.

Chris.

Ty chris. I'm listening and learning every day, ty for your input it's v much appreciated.

So many new people on here over last 2days also people relapsing after long periods of being gamble free. Their stories are renewing my commitment to stay strong and keep working hard with my mental health. I'm hoping that soon GA will be running meetings again I need to meet other addicts face to face. Online and phone have helped during these weird times but no substitute for the real thing.

Hiya Charlieboy 

I've not been that good last few days so I've not been on much and don't really know what's going on in life lol. How are you and hubby doing?  Hope things are ok. Just to let you know watch the one show tonight as I've got it on good authority its about gambling and that's not something you see much,  may help us in some way

Yep thought you had been struggling kev wish I could wave a wand  make it better. Me and hubby.........only have words I can't write !! But hey ho life goes on. I'll def watch the one show then me and my boy will take the big woofers for a walk!!

I'm sorry to hear things aren't great with hubby 

I know the feelings how it just gets you down, I just can't be bothered if you've not got something nice to say well don't say it at all,  look at both of us now it's been quite abit since we done any gambling!  Would partners be the same if they had an addiction as it's proven to be a medical matter. I think we should sit them in front off Peter shilton on the one show and see how that man has struggled for 45yrs with this affliction. Well my partner has went to her friends for a few hours so I've got some me time. Hope your okay and see how this one show portrays us