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Day 1 again. April was a crazy month for me. I lost a lot, won a lot and lost a lot again. I have finally ended the month down by £1600. So far that is all I have gambled this year and if I stop now then I can pay it back over the rest of the year. I am in my 40's and have a long history of gambling on FOBTs. I normally stop in a year once I have lost a month's wages. Sometimes I stop for weeks, some times for months but I always come back at some point when the year begins again. Nobody knows about this addiction. It's my dirty secret. I don't have affairs or drink or take drugs and I earn good money and can cover it up. However it is killing me and draining my spirit to be on such a negative loop. I feel like I am doing crack or C*****e when in action and I know that my money is funding a disgusting industry. I don't want to keep repeating the same old pattern. If my wife found out I would be out and so I risk everything each time I go AWOL. My home life is good and I have 2 wonderful children. I think I gamble to cope with stress, boredom at work and because it gives me a rush like nothing else. I go to the gym, I don't drink at all (another addiction dealt with) and I have no other expensive hobbies or habits. I sometimes tell myself it's ok to gamble as a reward for my hard work but once the madness passes I always hate myself. It's such a waste of time and money. I know I am luckier than many in that I haven't hit rock bottom yet but I don't want to continue doing this. I would rather spend that money and time on something more productive. I know the last few binges have been connected to my Dad's sudden death and my mother is now ill too. I often feel as if a big clock is ticking and I sometimes wonder what life is all about. I have tried this many times before. My personal best here is 117 days but I want this to be my last time. I have talked about turning the negatives of gambling into positives and I have done that when I stop. I just need to stay stopped. Excluded myself and put barriers in place so not very easy to repeat or breakout. Anyway enough for now. Each time I do this I try and learn something from my mistakes. Day 1 again. Mark
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