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feeling better today , hated last night it was s**t/weird just horrible when i had that urge , but got through it , lets put that behind me , another day bet free , will be the order of the day, i am never going to be a victim of that addiction anymore, moving forward

Keep it going mate, we can do this. I keep telling myself that when I get paid on the 31March, that's like getting a win from the casino - my wife will be involved with paying off credit cards etc, and then she will be breaking my money up for the month, with weekly amounts for pocket money. I will be away in the USA, but plan to talk on Skype and go through the figures on my online banking. I may treat myself to something in Philadelphia, it's tax free so it would be rude not to.

I have read through your diary and I find somethings very similar. I have played roulette previously, but it never really got the grip of me although I lost quite a bit on it years ago. I would always get a little bored of the wheel turning, keep telling yourself what a cr** game! My game was blackjack, and I would always have dreams about that, pulling 21, the dealer busting, busting, and busting again!! pulling a 5 on 16 etc. I have had a few dreams recently, and one where I woke up in a cold sweat. I was putting much more money on than usual, and the dealer had black jack on 7 or 8 occasions in a row, followed by 21, after 21 and 21 again! I lost thousands in my dream (nightmare!) and thought I was back to square one. When I got up the following morning after one particular nightmare I managed to open up to the wife on how I was feeling, and it helped no end! I think it makes it a lot more easier when you get your feelings off your chest.

I'm on day 12 now, and that's the longest I have been without gambling since starting over 15 years ago. It's been tough! Hang on it there and continue to do what I have been doing - spending time on this website and joining the 2014 challenge. In the opening 12 days I have read a load of different diaries, but haven't posted that much. I'm going to start posting now and start contributing to yours and everyones recovery process.

Thanks for taking the time out to read my diary!

We're all in this together. Onwards and upwards. Jonathan

thanks jonathon that really was appreciated , the reason im on here again so quick is , i have just had bad urges again now feel a little better on here , but going to try and keep myself busy for the rest of the day, its like i have accepted my losses and moved on from that , but i feel or just felt like i need to gamble again [ god knows i know i dont ] but that makes me feel like i cannot stop in the long run , and makes me think i can not accept those losses again because how can i if i start gambling again and cant stop gambling , god i hate this bloody addiction thing that i have opened up , i wish i never went to that bloody casino , although i still think i would of always eventually gone and then the disaster would of just happened later on in life , i must keep strong i can beat this addiction , i cant keep throwing my money away and throwing my time and life away , its imorral gambling , just thought of my last bet and how i felt , feel better after thinking that , i must remember every time an urge comes to think of my last bet as that seems to stop me wanting to gamble, just thinking about it its 3 weeks tonight i placed my last bet , thats quite an achievement i dont want to throw that away , i dont think i am going to talk to anybody friends ect... about my addition anymore as for me for some reason it seems to trigger urges to gamble, but i will still use this site as this has and does help , weirdly saying i will not talk about it to anyone apart from coming on here has just gave me complete relief and took away all feelings of urges to gamble , decision made , whatever works , i cannot let myself gamble again

Stay strong...!

I'm counting down the days before I leave for the USA - 29Mar and then away for 2 weeks. The urges are much less for me when I'm doing something...!

well 3 weeks ago now to the night , roughly about this time i had just finished my last ever bet , time has gone so quick , yesterday and today the hardest , this is because i chatted to people friends ect...face to face about my habbit/gambling and then after got major urges why i do not know ,but have learned for the sake of gauranteeing staying gamble free not to chat to anyone about it again , not that anyone was not understanding as the were , but i think chatting to them acted like a trigger , this site is fine though seems to work the opposite way taking the urges away i think because on here you can read stories but also i think its typing it , it seems to give relief more than telling someone why i dont know for me anyway . But hey ho , i cannot gamble because i cannot stop , so theres no point starting , this is a good saying i heard it on ashamed diary and it works for me . well goodnight to my diary and 3 weeks on i feel refreshed . ps i spoken to a friend today whos boyfriend used to be a drug user and she told me what he said when he described how he felt now after stopping , he said it will always be there in the back of his mind , but he just has to fight the urge when it comes along , or something like that , but my point is that is the same as a gambling addict ive realised it will always be there in the back of our minds , and in the same way we just have to fight that urge off when it comes along . Food for thought so basically weather it be drugs gambling or drink they are all addictive all then have an addiction which wants feeding , although drugs light ones at least i have tried drink i have tried but i can walk away with no sign of addiction to them , but i bet there are people out there who can walk away from gambling but not from drugs or drink . Although i have to say when i had big losses at one point , i started buying bottles of brandy and drinking one in about 2 days just to take away the pain of the losses and take away the many horrible feelings i was feeling because of gambling and the addiction , and also to numb this new horrible person i had become and turned into beacuse of this gambling addiction , so if i had of carried on gambling maybe just maybe who knows gambling may have pushed me towards the drink and turned me into an alcaholic , thankfully i will never find out . I am rammbling a bit but hey this is my diary and i can write what i want .I do and i dont blame the gambling industry , i dont blame them for offering people the chance to gamble , i dont blame them for people getting addicted to gambling , but what i do blame them for is taking advantage of people who have a problem , still taking money from these people even though it is obvious they have a problem . But on the other hand in a way how do they know , i mean if a millionaire played at a casino he would not be putting pound bets on and if he or she raised the bets to £50 per bet there not going to go hang on a min your betting too much , because he/she would still at that point be betting well within there means and how do these casinos know what are peoples means ? One way is and before anybody says they won't change i know they won't but im just saying hypafetically one way is if they see proof of income and they atre only legally allowed to bet up to a certain percentage of there income , you could say however they could just got to more than one casino and do the same and keep doing it so efectivley betting what they wanted , but if they take all payments only by card and not by cash and weather it be at 1 casino or 20 casino's per day week month, they can only take a certain percentage of your income in bets between all the casinos from a bank card , this would gaurantee the wife at home has her , or man at home has his food budget still there and mortgage /rent budget still there ect... so then not destroying peoples lives as much , But for the fact that they would not do this and would not want to do this, and the government would not do this nor would they want to do this , for this reason i do blame the gambling industry and the government partly for my and everybody elses addiction or at least

the amount of financial ruin that is aloud to happen ,although i know we are the instagaters to start with we are not forced to make that first bet . not a rant just a thought , some may agree some may disagree , anyway diary night for now

Well done Tryer, in just 3 weeks you've learned so much. You're beginning to understand what you've got to do to beat this addiction. Use this diary to help you, obviously it's a great source of strength.

Keep strong

Laz

cheers laz, start of week 4 of no gambling , feel quite confident about that , i gonna enjoy the day today

feeling good , trying to fill gap/void left behind after the gmbling has finished , going to cinema tonight not been for at least 5 years, bonus have £500 extra in account than thought , thats going on credit card and wierdly but good i have no urge to bet with it , feeling alot stronger today. coolio

nice tryer enjoy the movie nice to get out normally without gambling

ye was a good film last night , and nice to spend money on clothes first then cinema tickets, and treat [possibly my girlfriend] aswell , although made her drive there lol all is good , many dreams last night , something i ate maybe , think another one about gambling , but im ready now not to go down that road anymore , no be today. speak to you tomorrow diary

just checking in doing good today , and i will not be a victim to this addictiction .

doing good no bet today and dont intent to tomorrow

Nice to see you doing well mate

thanks boro , unfortunatley ive just majorly f***** up and blown another 400 quid i didnt have which was for a washing machine , when will i learn, im annoyed and ashamed of myself , ive only just sent an email to close the new site i joined which i only joined a few hours ago , it wont hit home until tomorrow , i must stop and today whatever the date must be the last day simon gambled, ive now got to think about better blocks , maybe hand over my cards but i really dont want to do that , but i know i do have a major problem, i ahte to say i think not now but in the future i might gamble again although i 100% intend not to , but im just being honest with myself , with the way i was today nothing was going to stop me , i thought about coming on here just before i gammbled and now know i should of done , but wanted to gamble that much i believed that even if i came on here i would of still gambled after and that is why i did not come on here as i cannot be a hipocrit use this site knowing i will be gambling after, to be honest im in shock , during the gambling tonight i remember feeling sick i remember looking at my hands seeing them and feeling them shake i remember really not enjoying the gambling at the end and the buzz had gone and instead the chase was on to get back my losses , i very nearly very nearly put another £1000 on which is for mortgage and bills and partly out of overdraft, this would of been stupid who knows maybe i would of won the 400 back well i hopefully will never know, its funny as i could come on here and say ive not gammbled today which sounds stupid i know when i know full well i have , but just to keep face or whatever but i dont know anyone personally and if i am prepared to lie about my gambling on a none gambling site but then if i was prepared to do that then there would be no point in coming on this site atall, meaning we would not be on here if we were prepared to lie about our circunstancies , which is why i like this site as i know we are all being honest , weirdly i feel ok though now , which is a bit worrying as does this mean i am becoming immune to the s**t you feel after a loss , where as if this is the case there will be nothing to put me off gambling again . regarding handing my cards over to someone i am worried then that instead of online there will be a bookies i take cash into or get vouchers with cash that you can buy to use online done it been therebefore , i feel almost like i want to loose everything now just to get it over and done with , do i have no self control i am the most determind person i know but this thing seems to have me beat. Just to clarify i do not want anybodys pitty or anyone to say we all have slips , as that does not wash with me , as i can not accept that because if i do then that means its ok to have another slip and then ok to gamble again , i think maybe a computer block might be the answer but will i loose access to this site ??? i dont want that , also does anybody know how to do that, and is it just linked to one lap top or is it the whole house where internet is ??? ive lost less than last time is that movement in the right direction who knows , what a sado i am cant even make a decision and stick to it , cant not gamble when i dont want to , well is that the problem is it that i do want to ??? who knows as i i was determind tonight to have a bit of that buzz , dont even remember the bets i placed where i lost the money its all a blurr , maybe my brains blocking it out , well it wont be a bloody blurr when i see my bank staement in a week will it , well that might just teach me who knows , i dont im lost , all i know is i wanted to gamble today and i did , however i dont want to gamble ever again , but in a few weeks by the way things are going probably in about 4 weeks i wll want to gamble again , and will i stop myself , i honestly do not know , i may sound defeatist well im being honnest , i hope i dont want to but if i do will i be determind to gamble at any cost , i have a great new girlfriend things are great yet im still self destructing , why why why , people on here say and i myself pobably said it , [ this addiction keeps saying things to us ] well yes we/i am/are addicted to this gambling addiction , but surely this is our/my weakness letting this addiction take hold of me/us. either way i is stupid and its either stop or loose everything , as i cant be inbetween im all or nothing , i dont want to stop and start gambling forever , in fact im going to stop for the last time and if this dont happen this time then f*** it i aint gonna bother no more , day one tomorrow. and i will give it my best shot

just read my diary back when i got to the bit where i said i am lost i felt like crying , not wrote this for sympathy just wrote it to remember it in the future which i can with it wrote here , so do not want sympathy i hate sympathy