NM2185 Diary

A fantastic and honest opening to your diary. I have spoke to you in chat and wish you all the luck in your recovery. Stay close to the site. It is a great place.

Well done on taking this first step.

Stay safe

Gaz

Thanks Gaz, I have been reading a lot of diaries over the past 13 days, some inspirational moments as well as gut wrenching moments. I am hoping to be successful in this journey......in fact no, I will be successful in this journey.

Good luck nm2185, I think you have reached your rock bottom. It's a rubbish illness, you need to keep posting and talking about this illness, I need to, i need the outlet, it has sucked me in gambling and finally I have seen the light, 2 days into proper recovery, been attempting this position for 4/5 years, finally I admit the roulette wheel has me beaten, I want my life back. You need utter self exclusion from everywhere, only then can you start a proper recovery.

Thanks lost. Appreciate your comments.

Hi NM2185

Sounds like we both have an unhealthy taste for the same poison, roulette. Well done on recognising your problem and taking steps to deal with it.

Regarding the android phone. I have an app downloaded on my Sony called Qustodio. Works in a similar way to K9, is free and it blocks any category of site you wish it to once you've set it up. Even blocks gambling sites in incognito mode in Google Chrome, so worth downloading.

Best wishes
HFB

Thanks HFB will give that a go now.

Day 14 - I will not win because I can not stop.

So next Friday, a week today, I have decided I am going to come clean to all my family and friends about my addiction, my impending police charge and my depression/anxiety. I have it all planned, I am going into my old work to explain why I did what I did. I am going to pre write an e mail to all my family, friends, ex friends and anyone I have affected through this. As soon as I have finished explaining at work I am going to drive to my happy place and stay for a couple of nights to let people digest what I have told them. I hate that I have to do it this way and I feel like a coward but I need to deal with it like this due to my anxiety and depression.

I hope they will all understand why I have told them this way and not face to face, the last thing I want to do is cause anymore hurt or anguish, they don't deserve it.

Any way, good day today apart from anti depressants knocking me about. Watched some football, long walk with the dog and play time with my boys. No gambling and currently lying with my soul mate Mrs NM2185 watching see in the city following a nice curry. There is light at the end of this tunnel if I can stay strong. Oh and arranged my first counselling session for Wednesday.

Nice meeting you tonight in the chat. Wish you the best. If I was to give any advice i'd suggest reading some of the posts by Cynical Wife and Half-Life in the Friends and Family section. It may help you to support Mrs NM2185 better. Tri

Thanks tri, nice chatting to you earlier. I will go and have a look now.

It's the guilt, the thing that hurts the most, seeing the wife, the kids, the dog, the beautiful house and Garden, the good job, the family. I have it all yet I still chose to risk it all through gambling. That's why the depression starts. That's why we have those awful thoughts of ending it all. These people who love and support us so much don't deserve us messing it all up for them.

That's how I feel this morning, the only positives at the moment are I will never gamble again and have hit the 15 day Mark.

Off out shopping for a fathers and grandads present today, nothing will reverse what I have done and there is not enough time to make it up to my family.

These anti depressants are horrible, day 5 and no better if not worse from day 1, need to stick it out, gp says it gets better after 14 days. I really hope so.

I will not win as I cannot stop

16 days today, no urges but I don't think there will be just yet. Got my guards in place in case.

Blocking software on phone and tablet, self excluded from online sites etc etc.

Day out with family today, hope it's not like yesterday where the anxiety hit stupid levels.

Football and Homeland later.

Have a good day

I won't win as I won't stop!!

18 days.

Counselling tomorrow.

I won't win as I can't stop.

19 days.

Just had my counselling assessment booked in for 12 weekly sessions which I am sure will help.

Tested myself went into bookies and watched people playing FOBTs no urges whatsoever and hated the 5 mins I was in there made me feel sick. Watched as somebody lost £200 and punched the machine. I hate that I was one of them.

Still struggling with anxiety and panic but no horrible thoughts this week.

I won't win as I won't stop.

20 days today, still no urges.

I won't win as I won't stop.