No big deal

Samorgo

welcome again to the forum, i am glad you have found the resolve to look for a way for you to address your addiction. Your opening post reads like it is full of not just hope but great energy. Build on this, for me the key lays in us finding a belief in ourselves. The bottom line is we are the ones who can make the changes, yes take all the amazing help and support that comes in many forms but ultimately it is about the choice we make.

I see recovery as a gift, one which once opened and embraced never stops giving, best of all recovery is free, all it costs is a change in our priorities. It is the one selfish act that will have a profound affect on many others and in a good way.

Onto the practical side, have you blocked your computer and self excluded, in my mind a priceless tool in early recovery.

Last and most of all be proud of what you are doing and enjoy it you have made a choice that will make you a winner, for that be proud.

Abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back.

"I have always been a loner - an introvert who pretends to be an extravert when in the company of others (the happy fat one!) and I know that I have always found it difficult to express my feelings with others (I don't even share that much with my husband) but I want to be happy and I now accept that I need to make real, fundamental, personal changes in order to be truly happy and to have the life I really want. This scares and upsets me - in fact gambling would be the thing that would make me feel better - to cover this over

This paragraph could have been written about me. I have not read it in full as I'm about to go to work. Please hang around and give yourself a fair *** of the whip. Look forward to reading more from you.

Take care

Thanks Duncs and smiler - your support is greatly appreciated and I know I need to embrace support in order to see me through.

I am obviously still in denial - I was going to leave a gambling app on my kindle just so I could play the promos - how stupid is that?! I CANNOT STOP therefore I MUST NOT START! I still have k9 software on my laptop (thanks to my husband in 2012) so the computer is not an issue but last year's Christmas present of a kindle has proved a problem as I found that I can add the site's app on it (it's been on and off numerous times since I found out).

I feel nervous even saying this but I have to self exclude from the site and delete the app. Although I would love to be able to manage my gambling I know (although it's deep down) that I cannot control myself so I have to not engage at all...

o*g I feel sick and I am physically shaking. With your support I have just self excluded - yes permanently - from my favourite site (the only one I use on my kindle). I have uninstalled the app and deleted the download. I feel so nervous - I feel as though I should feel liberated but instead I feel ill. Surely it can only be up from here so why do I feel so down - I suppose this is really saying goodbye and farewell to my closest friend...

Next on the to do list is to make a to do list!!

There are plenty of things that need doing around here so it will be a long list but at least now I am not wasting my time on gambling I'll get things done around here.

I always try not to be a negative person but everything seems so dark at the moment. I was expecting these early days to be easy - you know, being highly motivated and looking to the future but I think this is the first time I have ever really accepted that I will never gamble again and it's making me feel so anxious.

Come on, I can do this, I will do this and my life will be infinitely better. Even if I don't really believe this at the moment I know I have to use positive affirmations.

Right, got to get going with my list...

Hi Samorgo

Well done on starting your recovery. It takes a lot of guts to self exclude (i did it 46 days ago) and to admit that you have a problem.

I can relate to what you say about feeling ill and it being down to you feeling like you have lost your closest friend. But remember it was never your friend and if you carried on it would take everything from you until you are left with nothing.

Also having stopped and excluded you then have to accept that the money is gone and you will not get it back. This is something we all have to go through but them feelings will fade and be replaced by feelings of pride each day you dont gamble.

Go for a long walk each evening if you can and start to think of yourself in a positive way as gambling will have you feeling like you cannot cope without it - but you can. and not just cope but live life!

I wish you all the best and we are here for you every step of the way.

Linda

Hey samorgo

Thank you for your kind words. You have made some good positive moves so far, if you really do want to become gamble free again. I think deep down, we can all say/think how much we like/love gambling - certainly when we are winning. Unfortunately, for most of us on here, we truly know that the luck does run out and is then replaced with chasing and even worse - despair!!

You have done it before and as Duncs said, I think blocks are the best thing for just stopping us in our tracks of any thoughts/actions to gamble.

I do advise you however, to continue with your diary - you did tail off and I did wonder at the time whether the timing was right for you to "go it alone" so to speak.

Anyway, you are now back. I totally understand you saying that you feel quite ill knowing that you can no longer use the site. This I think is quite natural to feel this way. Hopefully, this will start to subside as soon as you start seeing the positive benefits of becoming gamble free.

I agree with hardtimes - walking is a great way to keep fit, lose weight and to channel our thoughts. It is also FREE!!

You can do this with the love and support from this site. I'm not sure if it is too early for you yet but there is a year long thread, conducted by Flagg which people, including myself, have signed up to remaining gamble free for 2014. It is just a thought and I know from experience, having goals/targets to work towards, this really does help.

Take care and hopefully speak soon.

Lady Feb.

Hi Feb,

I totally agree that I am not strong enough to go it alone so I will be sticking around this time - perhaps for life!?! Each time I have made a promise to stop and then given in it has taught me something but this time I recognise that I have to accept that I can never gamble again. Obviously this will be a day by day battle but I can't wait to get some landmark dates under my belt. I have installed a widget on my mobile that shows how long I have been clean for and its exciting watching the seconds tick by!

I have been all over the place today emotionally but I was expecting it having been in this position before. I haven't achieved everything I wanted to today - I haven't started to practice my new routine yet but I have not gambled either so number one goal achieved!!!

Sam,

You can do it this time. Fresh start - take your chance.

Tomso.

Thanks Tomso and thank you Linda (I forgot to say that earlier!). I recognise that I need support and although I want to change my habits and spend less time on my electrical devices I know I need to be here. I need to be honest to myself and share my feelings with others. I will not isolate myself anymore as I am brilliant at lying to myself and persuading myself that one last gamble won't hurt!!!

Being here just makes me feel more positive. I become stronger by gaining inspiration from you all. Your posts remind me that this can be done and strengthens my belief that I can do it.

Thanks everyone x

I'm off to bed now so day 1 is over. I am scared and excited in equal measures.

Tomorrow will be another day and I aim to do three things from my list. I will strive for action not for perfection. Anything is better than the nothing that gambling has led me to. I don't want to be lazy anymore so the computer will go away (although I will check in here), the TV will be switched off, I will be dressed (having been in my pyjamas for two days) and the curtains will be open. I am welcoming in a new world and a new way of living.

One day at a time I can become a new, better, me.

It's 2251 minutes since my last gamble. I feel much better today but I am super aware that I could throw all this effort away in a blink of an eye if I give in and take the (superficially) easy way out - only to live in torment and hell for the rest of my life.

I have got to a point in my life where I appreciate that I need to make changes to better my future. I have to acknowledge the past but not dwell on it - I have to be present in order to have a happy and healthy (and possibly wealthy if I can start some savings once I've paid off the debt) future! Each of the small choices I make every second of every day will lead to a better future if I make the right ones. I know I can't be perfect but I have to keep trying.

I am not a bad person I have just made some bad choices in my past but they are behind me and I am making a good choice right now by coming on here and facing my issues and emotions. I am still all over the place but I can see a light in the future - a happy and healthy future if I keep making these good choices... small steps...

Thanks everyone for your support and have a good day x

Well another day is ending and although I was feeling a little negative this afternoon I end today on a high - I have done a few things around the house (nothing massive but something is better then nothing!), I have been out running and most importantly I have not gambled!!!

I can't wait for the days to go by so that I can reach some milestones - 1 day doesn't seem that massive but I suppose it is a good start and following a sleep I will be 2 whole days clear!!

I need to go to bed now as I am doing a gym class at 6.30 tomorrow morning. Hopefully it'll be a great wake up and will lead to a productive non-gambling day!!!

Night all x

Quality is better than quantity. You could have weeks months and years of recovery under your belt but it counts for nothing if you don't live in the day. If yo have had a productive day then that is all that counts. I am only one day clean as the previous days have gone and matter not to me. Tomorrow I have a vested interest in and can do something that makes my life worthwhile. Hope you keep striving forward in recovery and don't worry about numbers worry about the now!

Take care

Day 3: Good morning world!!

Thanks for your e-mail smiler it's true that concentrating on the numbers does detract from really living but whilst I am counting up the days of being gamble free I am also counting down the days to the next payday. Money is going to be very tight in Feb but if I can get through it I know things will improve in future months.

I didn't sleep well last night (hence why I am writing this so early in the morning) but at least I wasn't awake all night trying to win back my losses. I am going to a spin class at 06:30 so maybe the anticipation of having to get up early kept waking me up. At 4 o clock I did cancel the session thinking I would be too tired and I could do with the sleep instead but as I am awake I will go and I am sure I will feel all the better for it.

I feel nauseous about the money situation but what is done is done and I'll have to just struggle through so I can sort this mess out. Luckily I have plenty of food in and not much on this month so that'll help spare the pennies! At least by not gambling I am not creating anymore debt and what debt I have caused can be sorted - I recognise that it will take time but I'll get there one month at a time!

I know these are early days but I want to feel free of the urges and back in the land of the living. I want to (and will) be the person I know I can be - slim, productive, happy! In recent years my life has been out of control, dark and isolated from now on I aim to be fully in control, responsible for my choices and my actions and I will enjoy life again.

I hate the person I have become - the person that gambling leads me to be. Whilst the thought of a big win is a big draw, the darkness and depression that gambling creates in our worlds makes me feel sick - I want rid of it - I want to live in the real world that is full of colour and happiness.

Just over three years ago I won £35,000 and since then I have been battling to stop gambling. I have had periods (months) where I have not gambled but I knew that I would again one day - deluding myself that I would be able to control it this time. Now I accept that I can't, and never will, be in control if I choose to gamble. That choice ruins my, and my husband's, life. It may make me feel better for the split second it takes to click the mouse but ultimately it leads to hell. I don't want that anymore - in five years time I want to say I do not gamble, I will not gamble and the debt that links me to this crazy and dark part of my life will be gone. Every day I do not gamble is a step towards that goal.

Right, best get ready for this class. Have a good day x

Start by saying today you do not gamble. You are already in recovery so keep doing what you're doing. You are doing the right things by you.

Take care