No big deal

Thanks Smiler - you are right I do not gamble. I will never gamble again. Gambling is not part of my life.

Today has been a good day - I exercised this morning which went well and then I went out to lunch with my work colleagues. Whilst I felt guilty spending money on a lunch out, I need to have these interactions - I cannot sit in my house every day for the next 5 years waiting for the debt to clear. It was nice to see them and to chat about this and that - it totally took my mind off my problems.

Money is going to be a problem this month but if I can survive the next few months I will be so much better off by the summer. All I can do is try to survive - at least I will not make this situation any worse by giving away anymore money to the gambling sites.

I am still mixed with negativity and positivity but I am feeling stronger - long may it continue!! I am in recovery and I do not gamble...

Day 4

o*g! I never thought I would say this, but... I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow. I have such an urge to gamble right now...

I am determined I won't give into it but I "want" to gamble so badly! I think my urge has come about by going shopping - I feel like I have wasted money on food I didn't really need however at least they products I can use over the next week and £15 on shopping is far better than £150+ on gambling... Although I feel as though I "want" to win that money back I am rationalising with myself and telling myself that that is nonsense! I don't want to gamble at all - I don't want to make my life anymore hellish than it is - I don't want to perpetuate this torment. Just for now I will not gamble.

Instead I am going to pop the music channel on and do some study - something I haven't done in a long time because I don't feel I am good enough. I studied languages at university but have not ended up with a language job because I suffer with self-consciousness. I do want to get into translation as a job but I know I am not good enough so I have promised myself that I will study this year and take an exam for a diploma in translation next Jan so I can get my foot in the door of a new job. Being productive and looking to the future is so much better than wasting my money and life on gambling.

I already feel better and am ready to fight this problem head on. Right then, to the books!!

5505 minutes since I gave up gambling forever!!

No I did not gamble this afternoon (most definitely helped by having k9 installed!!) and I am proud of myself. Instead I went online and researched translation work and teaching English. I feel really positive. I am going to volunteer at a local refugee charity in order to gain experience to see if it may be something I am interested in and hope to help some people along the way.

I need to have some purpose in my life. I think that will help me move away from the gambling. Every day I will get that little bit stronger. I never want to fully forget how rubbish this experience has been, as I think that will help me to never give in, but equally I want to leave this existence behind and move on to a happy and productive life.

I'm off to bed now as I am up early for work tomorrow. Another day, another dollar!

Hi Sam

I just wanted to say a massive well done for making the right choice today! You should be very proud of yourself. I seem to be spending a lot of money on other things now (shopping, clothes, stuff for kids) because I feel like I need to make up for all the time and money I wasted on gambling. I am still saving a little and from next month I will try and save a lot more but just for this first month I gave myself free reign to spend everything I would have gambled on other things just so I could try and regain a value for money which I had completely lost through gambling. I bought new wardrobes for the kids, I paid for a trip away for my other half, I bought whatever food they all wanted and I got my hair done- all things I wouldnt have been able to do only 1 month ago. I have explained it to them all that from feb it will be "tighten the belt time again" but not because I need that money for my own seedy addiction but because we are getting married in september and we are taking the kids to disneyland (they dont know about the latter yet) afterwards so I will need to save every penny from now till then! Anyway enough of my rambling! Every day you dont gamble you win. Today you are a winner so whatever you feel about yourself - pat yourself on the back for today!

All the best

Linda

Thanks Linda. Your spending sounds like a good idea (trying to regain a value for money) but I am just worried about addiction transfer as I feel gambling, spending and eating make me feel out of control.

I am now 115 hours clean and it is feeling better but I still feel like my life is out of control. I keep telling myself that everyday I move away from gambling I am moving towards a controlled and happy life.

Just for today - I have not gambled and I am now off to bed!!

hi sam

Have you thought about seeing a counseller on a 1-2-1 basis? I know gamcare have a service you could try? The only reason I say this is maybe there is an underlying reason why you feel like you are out of control? I know I did and once I figured out what was wrong I now find it easier to be kinder to myself. I used gambling as a sort of self harm tool as I loved to hate myself and once I realised I was doing this I then reaslied where it stemmed from. It makes recovery easier because I now feel I need to give myself a chance in life- 15 years late but a chance all the same!

Well done on not gambling and if you are like me and can get addicted to things very easily how about transferring the addiction to something that will benefit you like exercise or selling things on *******? Just a thought x Linda

Thanks for your thoughts Linda.

I am still on the path to recovery and haven't give in. I have been at work all weekend and so have not had the opportunity to gamble and have been reinforcing the fact that I am now a non-gambler!

I don't miss it anymore as if the thought ever enters my mind I remind myself how bad gambling made my life - I am not going back there!!! Instead I am looking forward to a debt free life with genuine happiness not the false pleasure of gambling.

Gambling has given me nothing but pain and suffering and I am not going to endure that anymore. The aftermath will probably be with me for about 5 years but every day I am closer to being rid of the financial mess that gambling created.

I will never forget my experience as I think it is the terrible memory that keeps me from going back there but I need to move forward and to enjoy my life rather than moping for my long lost friend!!

I feel so positive now - I am changing my life. I don't need you gambling - I need happiness, love and life!

Sam,

Delighted to see the great strides you are making. You are correct. We don't need gambling. Instead, we need to get back to being happy and enjoying the lives that we have. By not gambling you are making that possible.

Tomso.

Another day gamble free although I have been naughty tonight - I have had a takeaway. I feel guilty for having wasted money on food that I didn't really need as the freezer is full but I can't feel too bad wasting £15 on food that will last me another couple of nights when that would have been a drop in the ocean when I was gambling.

I have made a massive step forward by recognising how bad gambling had made my life and by not having gambled recently I am making a difference to my debt so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.

Another good day means I am another step on my non-gambling journey to happiness! That's not to say I don't feel happier - my life is already much better - it'll just be nice when I don't have to worry about money anymore - no more loans, no more lies, no more interest - just lots of savings!!

Here's to another gamble free day!!

Day 13 - maybe an unlucky number but not for me - it's my only day off this week and I have been busy in the kitchen. I am dying for some junk food but I have made some fresh soup and a ratatouille.

Things are looking so much more positive without gambling in my life - money is an issue but I am not going to get hung up on it - what's done is done and every month is going to get easier now I choose not to gamble anymore.

Hi Sam

Just wanted to say well done for keeping a positive attitude and moving forward again. Continue to write in your diary and read others and I am certain this will help you in your recovery and help to distance yourself from the dread of gambling.

Take care and have a lovely weekend (even if you are working) !!

Lady Feb.

Thanks Feb!

I did have an urge over the weekend - an advert on the TV caught my eye but it soon passed when I thought to myself - this is no big deal! Gambling has brought me nothing but trouble - why would I want to inflict more pain, poverty and misery on myself and so I didn't give in. I did go and get some chocolate but hey £1 for some chocolate is better than several hundred pounds wasted on a website. My debts are going to be difficult to manage for the next few months but by the summer I'll be in such a better position that life will be great!

Roll on being debt free but hey I am enjoying the journey to that ultimate destination!!!

Hi Sam,

Just wanted to say well done for fighting that urge and not giving it the attention "IT" thinks it deserves!! Life is too precious to give into such nasty things.

Take care and have a lovely week ahead.

Lady Feb.

Thanks again Feb.

I haven't spent much time on here recently because I feel I'm on top of it again. I know that can easily change but I am staying alert. For now though I am enjoying living without gambling and trying to not to overspend so not to make the debts any worse.

I am enjoying life for the first time in ages and although money is tight I don't have the urge to try and win it back. I know it is going to take hard work but I am going to pay back every penny by putting in the extra hours and paying it back little by little...

Hi Sam

I think that is the key for us recovering gamblers - to do things bit by bit, day by day!!

Keep chipping away. I have been doing that for the past 13 months and it really does pay off.

Take care.

Feb.