One day at a time.

Hi Scott

A nice positive first post.

You are doing the right thing.I hope all goes well for you tonight.I wont wish you luck m8.Because now you are not gambling you wont need luck.Tell her how determined you are but mostly show her over the times ahead.All the best Jeff.

Scott i first posted on here towards the end of march this year and i can honestly say if i hadnt found this site god knows where i would have turned to as i was brought to my knees by this cripling addiction. To put it in a nutshell by posting on my diary and reading others too i have found a way of dealing with the reality of the situation and its been a really big help. I am now over 12 weeks clean and still going, yes i did have a blip soon after my first post but it did more good then harm. I confessed once again to my wife that night and thought that i was going to become another divorced statistic, i also made the very bold step of telling everyone that knew me on facebook and that really was scarey but you know i can now hold my head up high knowing people know who i am now and that i am dealing with it head on. Telling your wife is the right thing to do, she will be disappointed and angry of that i have no doubt BUT if she sticks by you then you will have someone to aid you in your process to recovery and addicts really do need that very much indeed. I look forward to your reply and further posts and with determinaton in 3 months time you could be the one writing this for someone else telling them you are 12 weeks clean and aiding them in their road to recovery, its a long journey one which you will not win overnight but i believe in you to combat this and wish you all the best of luck in your choices you make, take care : Martin

Hi Scott,

I can completely empathise with your feelings of guilt etc with regards to your partner. I hope it all goes well.

With me when I finally got round to telling her it turned out to be the end. She decided that it was too much to deal with and we went our seperate ways. Do i regret what I did? Well... yes... I regret the gambling and hurting her. but as far as coming clean and telling the truth... no. Like you I was being eaten up inside. Dying a little more each day while telling the lies and covering up my sordid activities while getting more and more in debt.

If I had the option of going back in time and chnaging the night I told her, knowing that by telling her I would loose her, I would still do it. A life of lies would have been no life at all. And the pain it caused helped me imeasurably in the begininning of quitting.

Your story has brought back a lot of feelings that I had burried. I thank you for that. I think every now and then we all need reminding of exactly how much pain gambling can cause. And for me, exactly how far I have moved on from that point without gambling in my life.

I wish you all the luck in the world with tonight. I hope she understands and will stand by you. But even if the worst does happen, as much as it might feel that way, it is not the end of the world. Life does move on, and I hope for you with or without her it will move forward without gambling being a part of it.

Turelly wish you all the best, and thanks for your story.

the thing with gambling not many people who never gamble can understand how hard it is to quit!! years ago i told my then wife that i had a problem she wasnt daft she already knew but i was in the dog houe for a long time!! she helped me took control of my finances and was constantly ringing me to see where i was it was like i was having an affair but we got over it!!! she doesnt know the extent of my recent gambling and i cant tell her as it will def be the end of us and it would break my young boys heart but im going to quit so she doesnt need to know.

im sure she will stand by you and help you through this horrible time.

good luck!!

Thanks for the comments, guys. I don't know why, but hearing your experiences has just made me cry.... and I'm the kind of bloke that never cries. It's all just bottled up, killing me inside, my stress levels must be the through the roof. But to be honest, it's not what it does to me that hurts - it's the effect it has on her. I can deal with her inevitable anger, but seeing her upset is what will break me. She knows I've had problems in the past and she gave me an ultimatum previously. But I'd rather do it this way, rather than go on deceiving.

I'm meeting her in 15 mins time. I feel ill.

I will be back here tomorrow, come rain or shine.

Good luck Scott I wish I was as strong as u I still haven't come clean to my husband I just struggle on alone with this constant secret of huge debts...I hope she understands xxxx

Hi Scott,

I empathise with your situation entirely. I gambled big style for about 6 months a few years ago, and I lost so much cash, that it started affecting my health. My wife asked if there was anything bothering me, and I opened up - her reaction to me telling her that I'd blown £50k was quite unexpected, along the lines of, "That's a relief, because I thought you were having an affair !". I was in the dog-house for 2/3 days, but after that, she stuck by me, and my parents also helped out too. However, she did say that she'd leave me if I did it again. Sure enough, in Jan of this year, I did it again, losing about £29K (just over the amount I'd paid back during the previous 2 years !). I finally quit 40 days ago - but this time, I don't think I can tell her. I suspect that she thinks that all is not well, but I simply do not have the courage to tell her, or my parents because I could lose them.

I take my hat off to you for showing the courage to confess to your partner.

Day 2 - Just for today, I will not gamble.

I wasn't kidding when I said it was going to be the hardest thing to do. I met her last night after she finished work and I was already crying by the time we saw each other. She knew pretty much straight away what I'd done, as I've only cried like that once before - "the last time". We sat down on a bus stop bench and cried a lot more. She was angry and upset, her crying soon outmatched mine. Seeing that made me even worse, it was killing me to see what I'd done to her. I hadn't eaten all day (my appetite always seems to vanish when it happens), so the few shots of Vodka I'd had to calm my nerves made me feel awful too. We got home and tried to discuss it further, but it was difficult. She doesn't know whether she'll ever trust me again, which is understandable. A relationship is based on trust, so it's really touch and go, I suppose. The relationship is very much a day at a time too. She is willing to support me for now and for that I'm so grateful that I have that help. She is my best friend, no-one else comes close.

She said she'd rather I'd have had an affair, which I know is a common feeling amongst partners, from what I've read of other people's stories. The thing is, I never EVER would, my moral compass is still intact in that regard. I have to realise that this disgusting habit IS cheating, it's lying, it's just plain wrong.

Anyhow, I'm taking a number of steps to make the changes needed.

1. I've made a Doctor's appointment for Monday. The Doctor I'm seeing is a very good one, I feel confident he'll be able to help or at least refer me to someone who can. I've always been adverse to taking anti depressants, but I'm open to anything at this point - Counselling, pills, whatever it takes. I have to deal with the depression, it seems to play a key role in whether I gamble or not.

2. I've put the Gamble filter back on my computer - my mum has the registered email address for passwords, so I can't access it now. It doesn't stop me from using a different computer of course, so I can't take it for granted, but it'll make it more difficult. The truth is, I never want to gamble again, I'd rather jump off a cliff.

3. I'm thinking back to the times I went to GA meetings and hearing the inspirational people that got on top of this illness. The thing I remember most is the 'one day at a time' mantra. I think before I tried to forget about gambling, as if it wasn't there, that I didn't have a problem and if I didn't think about it, I wouldn't do it. This works MOST of the time, but it doesn't help in those moments of weakness. So I need to be more conscious of it, think about it every day, think of what it has caused. I will be going back to the meeting, to see people again.

4. I need to start exercising again. Up until a few months ago, we were both getting exercise and that helped in getting rid of a lot of stress and anxiety. Since then, I've been fairly stationary, bar my ride to work on the bike. I've felt more stressed and I've noticed it building up. As part of this exercise, I'm going to keep a food diary, so I can see if my diet can help me be more stable.

5. This diary. Writing these things down is really helping to keep my mind on what I have to do to make these changes. Writing every day will make me stick to the 'one day at a time' process. I have really appreciated your comments, they make me realise I'm not alone.

I'm going to be in London until Saturday, so I'll be be back on Sunday to give an update of how things are going.

Scott

the good thing is she didnt walk away last night!!!

it proves she still loves you. i think your so brave for telling her well done.

its going to be a long hard haul for us all but postive thinking is always a good start

all the best

Hello again.

I've just got back from London, after a couple of days house hunting, as well as soul searching. It's been a great wee trip for me and my girlfriend, been good to get away from the reality of the situation. We've been talking a lot and we're still trying to get through it all, a day at a time. Thursday was very raw, very emotional and tough for both of us. The trip down was long and hard work, but we had a good night's sleep at a friend's house. I woke up Friday morning feeling positive and ready for the task ahead, but my girlfriend wasn't, still drained from the day before. It's been so hard for her, it still breaks my heart to see what this sickness has caused. That said, we found our hotel near one of the houses we were viewing and we had a nap, something we're both fond of. The house was great, though it felt like a job interview, like we had to earn our place there. After that, we had a lovely Thai meal and then went to bed.

Today has been very busy, a couple of viewings before our trip back. The first one was ok, though we got the idea that someone else was favourite to get it. We then went to one more place that was probably our least likely choice when we saw the ads. Within 5 minutes of being there though, we knew we'd found our place - the people in the house were amazing, really friendly. Decent location and prize, we felt like we were home. It's not all decided yet, but it's taken a lot of stress off both of us...we can now concentrate on moving with our lives together.

It's still really early days of course, but I don't remember ever being this positive after a bout of gambling. I'm aware of the effect that some gamblers get after they stop, that high they feel from not doing it. It's not that, I don't believe. I just really want to make the changes necessary, to make me the happier, energetic, relaxed person I used to be. Being so early in the process, I'm still at this early stage where gambling repulses me, the very idea of it. I want to keep that feeling, aversion therapy. By writing these words, I'm keeping it mind and am motivated to keep doing it. The stress has eased and my mood is more stable. I'm still feeling those pangs of regret and guilt, but my girlfriend has been amazing, giving me support that has really had a massive effect.

I go to my first meeting of GA on Monday. Feeling positive about that too. I also have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so we'll see how that works. I have an appointment on Friday with GamCare too, so I'm really giving this a good go.

All of this is probably far too much detail, but I'm finding it very therapeutic to put it all in diary form. Feeling good, feeling positive. A day at a time, a day at a time.

Onwards!

Thanks,

Scott

Hi Scott,

I'm enjoying reading your diary and feel encouraged by the start you made.

After my last major gamble (33 days ago), I decided I had to grow some balls and face up to what I'd done. I told my girlfriend (who knew about by previous misdemeanors). I am also going to tell my parents face to face next week (The 1st time I've seen them since, they have never known of my problem). My brothers and a couple of friends will be next.

Your words of raw, emotional and tough I think are vital for us to face to be able to move on. After my previous losses, I vowed not to gamble again, but kept it all secret. I felt like Gollum, slithering about without looking into the faces of those I'd let down. This time I'm looking the reality in the face and fighting it like the man I want to be. You are an inspiration for me to do that.

Your determination is brilliant, I am heartened to see you looking round houses with the evil gambling clouds starting to part for you. I look forward to reading more of your posts, all the best and have fun!

Tim

Thanks Tim, much appreciated. This forum really is helping to show how similar the feelings we feel are, in many cases. How we fall into the same trap again and again, how we feel guilt for the pain we cause. By taking a different approach this time, it genuinely feels that I'm going to not gamble again. I don't want to ever say 'I've conquered it', I just want to say 'Today, I did not gamble' for the rest of my life. I'm sleeping better than I have in years, it's quite remarkable.

I'm following your diary with great interest, I wish you all the clarity, determination and strength you need. We CAN do this.

Day 4 (I have decided to include Thursday as the first day of not gambling, because that was the first day after I had told my girlfriend - therefore, that was the new day, my new life)

I had the day off work today (I usually work Sundays), so I've had plenty of time to think and think some more. I've also had the time to gamble if I'd wanted to, but frankly, the idea makes me sick. Again, still early days, but I'm feeling better and more positive all the time. I've been doing a lot of reading on this site today, so many inspirational stories and people that make me feel better about myself. People that have had it worse than me, yet still managed to overcome all the obstacles. It makes me feel that I've been given this golden chance, this lifeline and I have to grab it now. I know that I'm only one bet from ruining my life and instead of that filling me with dread (like it has done in the past), it's inspiring me to change the way I think and I act. I'm more concerned with concentrating on the love of my life now, which is how it should always be. She has proven her love to me in the most painful way possible, I owe her a great deal of gratitude but more importantly love. I love her so much, it's now time I proved it. Winning her trust again may take a lifetime, but I'm determined to do it.

Anyway, I have things to get done tonight - we're moving to London next month and obviously there is a great stress involved with it. Whereas before I might have wobbled and done something very stupid, I'm sure I won't now. That said, I'm here for the long haul and I need this forum. It's already helped far more than I dare thought. But it's not all about me, I truly believe in this group ethos, that we are all here to help each other, to make each other stronger.

Just for today, I did not gamble. One day at a time.

Thanks,

Scott

Day 5. Just for today, I did not gamble.

A busy one. Had an appointment this morning with the doctor, had a long chat and he's prescribed me Prozac to help with my depression. I know some people are often quick to dismiss the NHS these days, but he really is a top bloke. He gave me all the time I needed and listened to what I was saying. Medication is not a long term solution, but I think it'll stabilise my mood for now. I've been prescribed them before and not bothered taking them, but I have done this time. Head feels a bit spacey, but that might be a placebo effect. It'll take a few weeks until it has a proper effect on me.

It was back to work today, first time since I told my girlfriend. It felt horrible to be back, I really didn't want to be there. But after a few hours, I felt better and I realise I need to get back to some semblance of routine. Also had a back to work meeting, where my manager discussed my mental state. They have been quite supportive, I really can't complain about the way they've handled it.

I'm now off to my first GA meeting in two years. Feeling positive, as positive as I can ever remember. I'm doing a lot of talking and it feels good. Let's hope I don't bore people to death tonight! 😉 (This has now been cancelled. My gf needs a cuddle and so do I. I'll be going tomorrow instead. I don't intend to make a habit of this)

This diary really is helping me, I will continue to do this every day.

Thanks

Scott