One day at a time.

Hi Scott,

Your diary is an inspiration to me. You have done so well confessing to your girlfriend, well done. I can see you have been through an emotional rollercoaster and its not an easy thing to own up to those we love but also its not exactly easy to own up to ourselves about our addiction! Going to see your GP is another positive step to getting some help. I am going to contact a counsellor tonight as i think this problem does have something to do with whats going on in my head and if i can start to sort that out then who knows perhaps giving up gambling will get easier.

I wish you all the very best on your journey and i will keep reading your posts.

Kim x

Thanks for your words Kim, it's reassuring and encouraging me to keep on keeping on 😀

I can't recommend counselling enough, I KNOW my problem is all in my head. We know how futile it all is, it just takes great courage to make the necessary changes. The greatest journey starts with the smallest steps.

Thanks again,

Scott.

Day 6.

Went to a GA meeting tonight, for the first time in 2 years. Felt like I really wanted to be there this time, as opposed to doing it out of a sense of duty or obligation. It was a very positive meeting, some really strong characters in my city that really have bought in the whole group ethos, something that is helping me a lot. I did my therapy, got some very helpful comments (though some weren't too keen on GamCare). Either way, I will continue to write this diary and continue to attend the meetings, it's the only way for me to make sense of what has gone before.

Apart from that, I've had a boring, but positive day. Just for today, I did not gamble.

Thanks

Scott

Day 7.

One week.

Another day in the daily grind. Though I was dwelling on the past quite a bit today. Not healthy, but typical of me. The GA meeting last night has refocused my efforts to stay away from gambling. I realise that GA has worked for me in the past, I just have to understand that it's a lifetime commitment, I'll only get out of it what I put in. I'm determined this time to get involved and help others as much as I can, it's all part of the recovery. I'm in recovery for life, that's the part I 'get' now.

The anti depressants I'm on aren't supposed to have an effect for a few weeks, but I'm feeling a bit spaced at the moment. Still feeling positive, but slightly more Zombie like.

Despite the positivity, my girlfriend has been quite down over the last few days. Stress at her work and my gambling have both contributed to it, so I'm feeling guilty about it. It's the only thing really bothering me at the moment, but I just have to be there for her and do what I can.

Just for today, I did not gamble.

One day at a time.

Thanks

Scott

Keep it going Scott, that's all you can do mate. I have had the same situation with my wife - really supportive at first, following the tears etc. then quiet & withdrawn (and angry) for a while as reality sinks in. Your girlfriend will come around, so long as you stay clean. Let's face it, you have it all to prove. From her perspective it must be a major risk to stick with a gambling addict, so stay strong and prove her judgment is right.

All the best, Jim

Thanks for your words, Jim. She doesn't trust me (I don't trust me either), whether I can gain that trust back, we shall see. As you say, I've got it all to prove. She's actually feeling much better today, which has cheered me up no end. Though the meds are starting to have an effect, am feeling very lethargic and just not at the races, pardon the pun.

For all my positivity thus far, I can't help but think negatively some times. It's all a bit too easy at the moment, you know. No urges, no hint of desire at all - in fact, I still feel sick of it. I'm steeling myself for that moment in the future when my thoughts may wander or when I feel vulnerable. Complacency has beaten me before, I won't let it happen this time, I've gone too far down the road. Relapse is not an option. This addiction is the craftiest one of the lot, it gets you when you least expect it. So I'm just trying to keep that in mind and remain positive.

Day 8 is nearly done, still taking each day as it comes. Just for today, I did not gamble. Feel great for it too.

Thanks,

Scott

Hi Scott, Well done on reaching day 8, tomorrow will be day 9 and so on... keep going, keep posting, keep reading and keep positive.

I know what you are saying about your partner and what she is going through as my husband has been going through similar feelings. Its been hard for him to accept what I've done and how much money i have lost over the years, he says he wants to know "WHY" i gambled, but how can i tell him when i dont know the what the answer is myself! Its difficult for others to get their head round especially if they have never gambled or known the compulsive urge to want to get back the money we've lost, even though we know thats impossible, and when we know if we win something we are going to put the winnings back with the stupid notion that we will win more!! Give your girlfriend time and reassure her and prove to her and you that you can beat this and gradually you will both start to trust YOU again.

You have done so well getting this far and like you say "relapse is not an option" I totally agree with you as that saying goes for me too. I nearly had a relapse tonight but thankfully i talked myself out of it, i got on the bus and got myself home and you know what i am happier that i chose the right option the one where i didnt go to the arcade.

Yes, take each day as it comes, and yes, today you did not gamble..... It is a great feeling, i know cos i feel the same right now.

Kim x

Hi Scott,

Good to know your g/f is brightening up. Sounds like you really needed that to happen, so that's fantastic news.

I am on day 45 of abstinence and can honestly say that I have had no urges. It's all about a positive mental attitude. I am sure you have seen some of the other diaries and the determination of climbing the walls that others have endured and succeeded at. You will do it Scott. In a month's time you will feel so much better. Believe!

Thanks for your comments and support, guys. The positive mental attitude is definitely helping, gone have the times where I'd beat myself up about what went before and end up feeling worse and in turn, feel more vulnerable. I can honestly say I've not had a hint of an urge, I've simply had enough of gambling. Each day I've felt a little bit better about myself and the light at the end of the tunnel ISN'T an oncoming train!

Went to the GamCare counsellor today, who was very helpful. It was supposed to be an assessment, but I shared a lot of my past and feelings and the hour went by very quickly. I have an appointment for next week as well.

The medication is really kicking in now, have been very fuzzy and sleepy today. My girlfriend is on the same tablets, so she's been laughing at my lazy bones act. We're both supposed to be packing and making arrangements for our move to London, but today just ain't happening. Tomorrow though, I will be more productive.

Just for today, I did not gamble. One day at a time.

Thanks

Scott

Day 10 nearly done, still free from gambling. GOOD 😀

Another lazy-ish day, been busy job hunting for London and tidying in the house, but the medication has meant I took a two hour nap. I'm sleeping way too much, but I really need it. If this means I sleep INSTEAD of gamble, I'll take it! No hint of desire to gamble, I still loathe it more than anything I can think of. This place is helping, I'm spending a lot of time reading different stories, it really does help focus my mind on the goal. I had intended to go to GA meeting today, but the weather was atrocious and I got the time wrong. Sounds like a bit of an excuse, but I'm confident in my mind that I will be going back next week. NOT GETTING COMPLACENT! Don't really have a great deal to say today, but doing my one post a day is helping me form a routine that inspires me not to gamble. Superstitious? Perhaps. It's working.

Just for today, I did not gamble. One day at a time.

Thanks,

Scott

Hey Scott 10 days wahooooo

Sounds like the meds are really starting to kick in but like you said sleep instead of gambling, thats a small price to pay if you ask me and one well worth while. Don't forget you wont be on the medication forever its just until you are strong enough my friend. Use whatever method that works for you to stay in control and posting on here is a good un as well as GA and counselling shows you are determind to beat this thing... 🙂

Hope your job hunting goes well.

Kim x

Day 11.

Another day, another dollar (saved).

Got soaked on the way to work and coming home. Despite this, it was a good day. No thoughts of gambling whatsoever, just had a lovely lasagne, made by my girlfriend. Yum.

Highlight of the day: The Apprentice final (sad, I know). Always good to watch other people making fools of themselves. Makes a nice change from it being me.

After that, I'm going to try and get some good sleep. My sleep has improved vastly, better quality sleep as well as quantity. Tomorrow, I may go to GA. Definitely going Tuesday, but I want to start going twice weekly, minimum.

Apart from that, nothing. Which is ok by me.

Just for today, I did not gamble. One day at a time.

Thanks

Scott

Well done Scott - keep it going mate!

Thanks, mate.

Day 12.

Didn't sleep so well last night, so I was tired at work. Another boring day, but at least it was gamble free.

Still in the process of packing for the move to London, am focusing my mind on that. Once I get settled down there, I will need to find a new hobby, as well as more exercise. My girlfriend brought me back a book from the library today, it's full of great exercise plans that can help with depression. The Anti depressants are definitely taking effect now, I'm definitely feeling less anxious and guilty, the feelings of regret are subsiding. I actually don't want to lose that entirely, I need to keep it in mind about why I can never gamble again. But yeah, I'm feeling more like a person again, my girlfriend has noticed the difference - more talkative and less withdrawn.

GA tomorrow, looking forward to it.

Just for today, I did not gamble. One day at a time.

Thanks

Scott

Day 13.

Unlucky for some. Not me, it was a good day - today, I did not gamble.

I rolled into work at 10, left at 4, spent some time with my girl and then off to the GA meeting. I didn't say very much, but was doing a lot of listening. So many inspiring people that have taken the addiction seriously, battled it head on and are getting the results. Willpower and commitment seem to be the common theme. I'm definitely feeling like I'm in recovery now, rather than just not gambling.

Absolutely shattered now, straight to bed I think. Another day, another day free from gambling.

One day at a time.

Thanks

Scott.