One small step for man, one giant leap for a compulsive gambler.

Good luck to you better life - I have just started my diary today too, i wish you well and hope to help you through some of the hard (but in a good way !) times that lie ahead. There is so much support on here I am postitive we will kick this soul destroying habit.

Hi Andy,

I've just read through your posts. I don't think your pathetic, I think your actually very brave for coming clean to your parents and asking for their help. I'm recovering in secret, only those who read my diary know of my shame, so no, pathetic definitely isn't a word I'd use to describe you.

Take some time to read through the diaries. There's hundreds of stories, all works in progress. But progress they are, even with the bumps along the way.

You'll pick up some brilliant pieces of advice and inspiration. I'll not name names, you'll find them as you go, but there are a lot of success stories out there, proof that life after gambling is far better than the life we lead while we are gambling.

Take care of yourself and keep posting
Jess

barney2909 wrote:

Good luck to you better life - I have just started my diary today too, i wish you well and hope to help you through some of the hard (but in a good way !) times that lie ahead. There is so much support on here I am postitive we will kick this soul destroying habit.

thanks Barney, I really hope we can work together to kick this insidious habit once and for all! It's very grounding and reassuring to know there are others out there that has these issues in life. I guess what doesn't break us only makes us stronger. Have a good week and look forward to reading your posts. Andy

Jm24 wrote:

Hi Andy,

I've just read through your posts. I don't think your pathetic, I think your actually very brave for coming clean to your parents and asking for their help. I'm recovering in secret, only those who read my diary know of my shame, so no, pathetic definitely isn't a word I'd use to describe you.

Take some time to read through the diaries. There's hundreds of stories, all works in progress. But progress they are, even with the bumps along the way.

You'll pick up some brilliant pieces of advice and inspiration. I'll not name names, you'll find them as you go, but there are a lot of success stories out there, proof that life after gambling is far better than the life we lead while we are gambling.

Take care of yourself and keep posting
Jess

Hi Jess and thanks.

Although I'm very new to this, the support I've received in such a short space of time is fantastic so once again thanks for taking the time to read and post. If I can support you in any way, please message me. I wish you a good week and thanks again. Andy

Diary Day (2) 22/12/2014

Dear Diary,

22nd of each month is pay day, this is etched in my mind as I day where I make my debt repayments and have money to gamble. How nice it would be to be paid and not even realise it had been paid into my account. How nice it would be to not have to part with a large chunk of cash to pay debts accrued due my gambling career. How nice it would be to be able to get to work without this slightest inclination of walking into a bookmakers or waiting to get home to gamble on something which I have no clue about. How nice it would be to do something nice for those that have given mr so much over the years without hardly anything in return.

Last Friday was Armageddon, it was the both one of the worst days of my life and best all rolled into one. I was unable to get to work without gambling my entire wage and was at the brink of ending it. My parents wanted nothing to do with me and I was in complete melt down. The feeling of trying to attend work whilst knowing your life is crumbling around you is destroying. Why am I doing this? Do I want to shorten the lives of my parents? Do I want my amazing partner to go back to NZ with nothing to show from this relationship? Do I want my family to cut me off? My beautiful nieces and nephews - do they want to know that their uncle is a self consumed gambler with now regard other than for himself? Do I want my flat repossessed and nowhere to live? Do I want to be sacked ? These are all (some) of the repercussions of my gambling.

This addiction is all consuming, and there is not an aspect of my life and those around me that is not effected by my actions.

Now, when I say best day, this is said with clarity of thought. I have a chance here to rectify my life, put things right and make up for my actions of the past. I can only defeat this with 100% willingness to accept that I have a problem that is not going away. I must do everything that is set out for me. I must attend GA and must attend the gamblers clinic that I have registered for, I must not become complacent about any of this.

Met with mum and dad last night, and this was very humbling. Told them everything, even minute details about the binges, my lying and the debt. Feel better for it now it's on the table.

Parents have paid off my debt many times before - feeding the problem. This time I need to sort this or it isn't going away.

Positives for the day

Calling gamblers clinic - talking to Dr and getting clarity on when I can expect my appointment (3weeks)

Recieving some really positive feedback from other gamcare users.

Talking to sister who is incredibly motivating and just wants to help me to quit.

Stay focused.

Day 3 (23/12/2014)

Attended GA which felt like a massive shot of adrenaline flowing through my veins. Spoke to my best mate and told him everything. I've had nothing but support since starting this process and it's incredible grounding to know that people do care.

Keep recounting my thoughts from last Friday where I left the house with the sole intent of destroying myself. Not sure why I did this or it was part of a final cry for help.

Either way I feel like I'm doing the right things to sort this long term. No access to bank accounts, honesty to those around me, assertiveness to say no when I'm faced with difficult situations.

Last day at work for week and a half. Going to be difficult facing the family and looking them in the eye over Xmas. Must be strong, and make sure they know what I am doing to rectify / remedy what is a life condition.

Hope everyone has a nice Xmas.

Keep strong Better life, you are already living a better one than you were 🙂

You can look them in the eye now because you are doing it & they have already proven their support so take strength from this! 3 days may not sound much to the outside world but to people on here who have walked in your shoes, it's amazing! Keep doing what you are doing & you can fight this - ODAAT

P.s: Try & have a lovely Christmas!

well done better life

have a great christmas and enjoy it gamble free

tri

Dear Diary Day 10

No gambling for 10 days now which although is a small timeframe,certainly a good start. Difficult time over Christmas with facing the family, but good to lay things on the table and be completely open and honest for once in my life. Think it was a shock to those around me the gravity of the situation when I told them what I am capable of whilst under the red mist of gambling. The monetary aspect of my situation is one thing, and I think in a way they can understand it, but the personality change and doing things a normal human wouldn't do they struggle with. I can only work on this, first things first, eliminate the gambling from my life and personality change will come. It is true what they say at GA, do not be a mental loafer and do something positive with your time. Act kind and courteously to those around you.

Family although upset have been really supportive. I have a lot of bridge building to be done in 2015, and need to start paying back those around me that are both actively and inactively involved in my recovery. If I'm honest with myself, nearly everyone I've come into contact will have been effected by this wether they know it or not. This starts with the family and hopefully over time building the trust and respect that they deserve.

Back on my own in the flat, went for a run today and cleaned the flat. I remember prior to becoming involved in gambling when my time was spent running, playing sport and socialising. Where am I now as a result of gambling....putting my mum and dads health at risk, breaking my family, potentially ending my relationship, constant lying, in debt, not very social, not very fit, unhappy, compromising my job, no money to do anything or treat my partner or family.....the list is endless.

These are all negatives, but the one big positive is I have the support and will power to put this right. Stop the gambling and change from within and people will start to trust me and enjoy my company.

Let's sort this out, and 2015 will be the most positive out of 37 years to date.

Happy new year

Andy

Well done Andy. Sounds like you've reached the 'enough is enough' stage. Long may it continue!

Hi Andy,

Well done on 10 days,

Suzanne xx

Well done Andy we are on the similar amount of gambling free days. I ve just read your #10 post and your spot on with the positive vs the negatives with gambling,reading makes me think why do we do it?it just ends in disaster but it's an addiction which when the red mist sets in we don't seem to care!!

You too Mark, well done on a good start mate. I've never really understood why I do it...maybe boredom, maybe frustration... being honest I'm not too bothered of understanding why at the stage, just need to stop the gambling. We are on this journey together mate, and anything I can do to help you out in your recovery please just holla. It's been ingrained in my life for so long now, it's really hard to imagine a life without gambling, but I can't control it and nothing positive ever happens as a result. Hopefully mate we can abstain from this and the 2015 is the start of better days. Cheers

Markb117 wrote:

Well done Andy we are on the similar amount of gambling free days. I ve just read your #10 post and your spot on with the positive vs the negatives with gambling,reading makes me think why do we do it?it just ends in disaster but it's an addiction which when the red mist sets in we don't seem to care!!

Dear Diary day 16,

Last day of leave for the Christmas / New year break and 2014 has been a bad year. Prior to 19/12/2014 (last bet), my delusional mind wouldnt have registered that this was a bad year. As long as I had access to money and the ability the gamble my mind would be fixated on the next gamble, and the realities of life would not be apparent. The fact that I was massively in debt and relying on my parents to bail me out would not be a problem. The next bet I would definitely win and use the money to pay off all my debts in one fell swoop. The next bet I would win, and treat my partner and family to gifts. The next bet I would win and settle all my bills and do the nice things in life. It's shameful now just thinking of my mindset whilst under the red mist of gambling, no thought process, no morals and life unmanageable.

It was my nans funeral last week and hearing my dad speak made me really shameful of the person I have become. Nan must have been so proud to have a son and daughter like my dad and aunt that are caring, giving and amazing people. I also saw some family photos from when we were young and my parents gave everything to provide me with a fantastic upbringing. My younger sister has been really supportive and I love her so much, she is a fantastic person and has an amazing family. My older sister has had enough of me, and I completely understand why. I love her too and her family is awesome, so Its up to me to prove to those and around me that I have the staying power and determination to rid myself of this illness.

I need to do everything for them to ensure the gambling stops. They have done everything for me, and I just want to make them proud as a family that they have a nice caring son.

The gambling has made me lose my moral compass. It has stopped me bring driven in life, drift from one crisis to a disaster.

It's been 16 days now, so need to keep it going. My partner returns from overseas soon, and looking forward to seeing her.

Gamble free week to all,

best wishes

andy