Hi, I’m not really sure whether I’m in the right place, but just thought that logging my thoughts might eventually help me quit gambling.
I guess I’ve always had a problem, starting with fruit machines. After many, many losses and putting over £1,300 in a £500 jackpot machine in one day, I realised that you could never really win on those. (incidentally, I never really played those high jackpot machines until a “friend” of mine told me she’d put hundreds in and would rather me get the jackpot than someone else). Foolishly, I fell into that trap. I filled it up beyond belief and a day later she was seen with newly acquired funds lol, don’t know if that jackpot ever fell, but it taught me a lesson on who to trust and just how much those machines can take whilst giving absolutely nothing back.
Then came the casino which started off as a finish off point after a night out. I might have had £30 left and would often double it which was great as I’d had a whole night out on the back of the casino. This progressed to the point of me feeding my entire wage in there straight after being paid week after week. I had no time for a social life then -the casino was my life! I remember promising to meet my partner one bonfire night and he kept calling and calling and I kept saying ‘just wait until 23 comes in and I’ll be there’. I never turned up, 23 never came in and even if it had, I would have carried on for a double or to chase what I had lost waiting for it. My credit card was maxed out at this point, and my overdraft was being extended on almost a daily basis. I had a three year old daughter and lived with my parents at the time and my mum was despairing with me. I used to get home at about 6.15 AM and then I’d be having to get up at 8.00 AM for work. Obviously after sitting there for hours on end watching the no’s whizzing round, there was no way I could sleep, so I used to spend the day like a zombie working for minimum wage after getting through hundreds of pounds the night before.
Amazingly, I managed to quit the casino. This wasn’t on the basis of all the money I had lost, but the lady who sat next to me telling me I’m going down the wrong route and I need to get out before I end up like her. She had pawned almost everything she owned just for her next spin of the wheel. Also, I had a conversation with another man that night who said he lost an average of £500 a night at the casino. But strangely justified this to me by saying that if he came 15 times between 15th feb and 15th of march, he would get a free DVD player. That definitely hit home, £7500 for a DVD player? I’d rather pick one up from Asda for £35 lol. I self-excluded that night as I never wanted to get into that warped mentality and it was the best thing I ever did.
Then came the online bingo and accompanied slot machines. I never really had much success with the bingo - I remember buying 24 £1 tickets once and the jackpot was only £28. Thought I couldn’t fail, but then someone else won, announcing that she had only bought 1 ticket lol. I managed to be quite successful with the slots though, I actually had a positive balance in my bank which was great. I kept playing and winning until I eventually got banned for playing in a professional capacity. Thought this was insane, how can you play a slot machine professionally? I then opened up an account in my partners name and that got closed as well for “abusing the bonus system”. Seems these sites really hate it when you actually make a profit from them and they have to pay out. Anyway, that was me done with online gambling for good……………….. until Feb this year.
Stupidly, I have joined another site and now my money is dwindling fast. There is something different about the slots on this site, I just can’t seem to keep off em. I’ve had several large daily losses ranging between £400- £700 and I’m getting really worried about my ability to stay away. Don’t get me wrong - quitting my other forms of gambling was hard, but this feels impossible. I know I should buy myself a block for my computer before all funds go, but I just don’t feel ready to do that. I’m chasing losses now and although any sane person knows that’s the time to stop, I just can’t find the will-power. I’m smoking far more than I used to, I’m getting cold sores and headaches and often feel really down in the dumps and emotional. I’ve had times where I’ve lost that much that I just want to sit and cry, yet amazingly I can’t cry (don’t know whether that’s through the shock or the numbness). God, I just want to have a fun life again - but I know that come midnight I’ll be depositing again.
The reason I can’t deposit until midnight is that I have put a daily limit on my account - so my losses won’t be as bad from now on at least, It’s a small step, but it’s a start!!!, I might try and reduce my limit on a weekly basis in an attempt to wean myself of them. I know that these “online slots” ruin peoples lives. They haven’t ruined mine entirely yet, but they have the potential if I let them.
Hi Chan.. welcome to the diaries. ive just read your story. I relate to it of course. Seems to me like gambling in all its forms has profoundly impacted your life for many years.. just like it has mine. I also note that your not yet motivated to stop the online slots. All I would suggest is this... you might not have entirely ruined your life yet, YET ! ... but its just a question of time. The blocker I use is betfilter.com .. it does exactly what it says on the tin. All the best.. S.A
Hi Chan. Having read your first diary post I totally relate to the out of control feeling that you have and the emotional mess that this creates. I totally agree with S.A that the risk is that you don't stop before it is too late. It's a personal choice I put bet filter on my computer the day before I stopped (I spent my last 'real' money on it-ie not borrowed...) I would have gambled by now without it. Prior to this i'd put an eye watering amount of money through on-line slots. When you feel ready give it a go (I think they do a trial) and hopefully you'll get the benefits that myself and S.A do. Best Wishes Dan.
hi guys, many thanks for your responses. I have taken heed and taken a few more steps. I've limited the amount of money I can place online so that I can't get 'out of control' again. Of course, if I manage to withdraw anything, there is a danger that I can reverse it and that could cause problems. I've been on edge since yesterday because I managed to stop and withdraw whilst in credit. I've stayed out all day, and treated myself to a new hair colour and cut - which is something i've not done in a long time and just being out and away from the laptop has managed to curb the urge to play somewhat.
When I got home, I logged in and found that the withdrawal had been a success - phew!, but also found that this amount had been added to my limit ?? Well i'm gonna be strong! How is that responsible gaming FGS?.
They are not going to get anymore out of me than what I have budgeted to spend and that's a promise!
Gonna go back out tonight and have a few drinks and a stressful free night with my fella. My normal limit should be back to normal after midnight - so that will be when i'm safe to return lol.
I do feel like i'm weaning myself off it all gradually as i'm normally playing all day and night. For the last two nights, i've only been able to deposit £50 on 2 accounts. When that's gone I can't gamble til after midnight the following night.
I'll feel like I have reached a milestone when I manage to turn the laptop off at 11.00 and go to sleep, instead of waiting up in order to gamble - it will come with time i'm sure.
Hi Chan,
Well done for the steps you have taken so far.. but I ask... have you gone far enough?
It is a personal choice, but bare in mind that the limits can be reversed... and even if you don't do that you are still saying 100 a day losses is ok. That's 3000 a month... think what you could do with that money. Admittedly you might win occationally, but remember a phrase that is pushed around a lot on here... you can not win because you can not stop.
Anyway... I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong... everyone has there own way of dealing with it... I just know if it was me I would probably be back to my old self, wasting hundreds at a time in a matter of weeks or even days if I didn't just quit completely.
Again though... well done for taking those first small steps and good luck.
SF
Hi SF, thanks for the feedback. I know i'm taking baby steps and I know when you put it in those terms that £100 a night could become a very expensive habit. But, from the amount I was depositing per day, it's quite a big drop. I was playing five different accounts - 2 of which had a £500 weekly limit and the other 3 had no limit at all and the amount that I was depositing on these was seriously scary. Many times I would deposit about £600 and win approx. £200 back but obviously that wasn't enough and that's where my gambling got seriously compulsive and out of control because I couldn't accept a £400 loss and I would end up losing the lot, plus a lot more.
Now, if I was to deposit £50 and win £200 I would withdraw it. I know I would because I did this last night - though it has been a struggle not to reverse it as I said earlier. If I had lost the £50, at least it would have been a conscious decision and not an irrational decision made whilst desperately trying to chase losses and not being in the right frame of mind.
I know it prob sounds like i'm deluding myself and trying to justify everything, but if I hadn't of taken these small steps, nothing would have ever changed as the thought of blocking myself completely was just too much when I first posted. Since i've limited the amount I can put on my account per day, I have also limited the amount of time I can spend playing. This has freed up my last 2 days and I have to say I have enjoyed them so far - been catching up with my soaps and having a little pamper day and slowly returning to some normality. Once, I have completely eradicated all thoughts of gambling throughout the day - I'll start preparing to tackle the nights.
I know it's a battle, but I just don't want to take on too much too soon. I know that if I self-excluded before I was ready, I would just go elsewhere and gamble and then i'd have another problem to deal with.
Thanks again for posting - hopefully by next week i'll have reduced my deposit limit again or closed another account - every little helps 🙂
Hi Chan...
Like I said brfore, I'm not judging you as I'm in no position to do that. Every one is different and must deal with it in their own way. If this is what you think will work for you then do for it.
You should be incredibly proud of the steps you have taken... but most of all, admitting you have a problem at all and starting to tackle it. Many people, including myself deny anything is wrong until irreparable damage is done to their lives.
Again, good luck with you plan... I really hope it works out for you.
SF
Hi hun, i'm so grateful for your imput, I don't feel your judging me - I know you're trying to help me. I just don't think I can go so fast, i'm just trying to be honest - my overall goal at the end of this is to be a non- gambler. I have to be honest with myself and I know for myself that the sure way of setting myself up for a major relapse is to excude before i'm ready - I will just rebel.
Anyway, i've just got back from the pub - wanted to stay out longer to stay away from the laptop because I knew that the moment I came in I would deposit my £50 (just to get it out of the way, because if I didn't it would take over my thoughts and ruin tomorrow). Anyway, I have returned from the pub and gone to log into my gambling site and realised that I must have left my cigs in the pub. I can't stay up without cigarettes and I definately can't gamble without them so I'm actually gonna go to bed - unreal !
Today, I will have gone an entire day without gambling !!!! wow, I've also learned that I cannot gamble without my crutch (cigs). maybe something to think about ????
Well, my gambling is seriously out of hand again. Today is my day one. I am tackling this problem now with a new sense of determination and I will use what ever help is at my disposal to eradicate this negative habit from my life.
I will post more in depth tomorrow.
Hi Chan, welcome back to the forum and good luck with your renewed sense of determination to put the gambling demons at bay, once and for all.
Something that struck me about reading your diary, is how we can see the damage someone is doing to themselves. You try to offer the best advice you can, but you know, by reading what they write, that they are going to gamble again. All you can do is sit back, watch it happen (so to speak) and wait for them to come back again having reached a new rock bottom and learnt from there own mistakes. I am included in this group of people of course, and I would imagine many people on this forum are.
A lot of things in life are like that; parents advising there children, teachers/instructors showing us the right way, only for us to ignore them and develop our own bad habits etc.
I suppose my point is that only we can change ourselves, and we can only do it when we are ready. We know what is good for us and what is bad for us. We know if we can dabble with gambling from time to time or if we have to give it up completely. We know when we are playing games and kidding ourselves in a desperate self-justified attempt to keep the gambling pilot light going. I know my best friend is like this. For me it has to be complete abstinence. I don't want it to be, but it has to be because I have no control once I start gambling.
The perfect start on the road to recovery is to be completely honest with yourself. I wish you well.
Hi Simon, I think you are definately right in that complete and total abstinence is the way forward. The past two weeks have been really horrific. I got to the point where I had almost made my money back aside from £200 and I was really chuffed. Won't take me long to get that back now i'm on a winning streak my deluded brain told me.
Well, then I started losing and losing more than ever before. I had joined new sites and they had no limits, so I could just keep depositing which I did in a desperate attempt to win my money back. Anyway, after having more than a couple of nights losing over a grand in one session i'm now approx. 5K down and absolutely gutted.
I have closed the majority of the sites down and still have small limits on the rest. ie. £10 per month. For some reason, even after the sleepless nights, the stress and overall emotional turbulance I have gone through, I am finding it hard to shut these sites once and for all. I just can't let go of my losses and move on even though I know deep down that I have to.
I would love to buy betfilter as I know that it would be pointless thinking about gambling then as I wouldn't be able to play. But, we have 4 computers in the house, would I have to buy it 4 times over?
I know it all sounds the same as last time but I have spoken to the doctor and i'm having someone call me up in the morning to arrange a counselling session.
This is something I really have to try and conquer for my sanity.
I didn't gamble yesterday, but I half gambled today as I had had a £10 promo put into my account. I gambled it and got it up to £135, and then lost the lot. This almost made me feel as bad as if I had deposited the money myself as that could have been another £135 off my losses.
God, don't know if i'll ever learn, but at least I couldn't keep depositing more to try and chase that back like I would have done normally.
I'm finding it really hard to get back to normality, I just keep thinking about what I could have bought with that 5K - My partner and I went for an all you can eat chinese yesterday which we really enjoyed. It only cost £25 for the 2 of us and in my head I was thinking we could have eaten here 200 nights of the year with the money i've just blown.
I'm also dreaming about gambling so I can't even escape it in my sleep, in my dreams I deposit £100 and get it up to £700 and then think i'll stop at a grand before losing the lot. I then wake up stressed again. Feel like my mind is a prison at the moment i'm so tormented.
Please someone tell me it gets easier.
Well, i'm still struggling. Having periods where I am completely resolute and then times when my resolve is weakened. I am trying to find things other than gambling to occupy my time.
Tonight has been a brilliant success as I settled down and watched a fantasic film with my fella - Orphan. I was gripped from start to finish and didn't have a single thought of gambling.
It was so nice and relaxing to just snuggle up and watch a film like regular couples do.
Much better than sitting with knots in my stomach, chain smoking, feeling desperate and struggling to breath whilst endlessly feeding my bank balance into the online casinos.
I'm now gonna have a little read on here and then beat my partner at hotshot on facebook. My competitive streak is coming back so watch out Steve lol.
Come on Chan you can do this. Remember why you came to this site in the first place. I am guessing from your name you have Chinese origins? I am Greek. Let's be frank. The Chinese and the Greeks are the biggest gamblers in the world. I am guessing (perhaps wrongly) that like me, you have friends from those communities who frequent the casinos all the time, and gambling is part of the lifestyle? Well you have to cut loose from it for your own sanity. That's the decision I have made.
You have lost £5,000. A considerable amount of money. I have lost that too since January, and I dread to think how much before that. Stop chasing the loss. Accept what you have lost - let it go, no matter how difficult. We both batter our brains day in day out thinking about what we could have bought with the money, but we didn't buy anything, we gambled it, and if we had won I am sure we wouldn't be on this forum writing what we are. We have to accept that we lost and that it was our choice. But you don't have to keep on losing. How much have you got to lose anyway? Is gambling worth your family? Is it worth your boyfriend Steve? How about your mental and physical health?
Stop gambling Chan. Its a pathetic waste of time and you know it.
I look forward to your next positive post. Thinking of you.
Hi Simon, well i've done it again. Joined another site and actually managed to deposit £4125 over a 24 hour period. I am so sick of myself, I wish I could have the willpower to just stay away. Last night I just kept compulsively depositing £50 a time, thinking please bank stop me because I was so out of control myself. I looked at my emails today and there were 53 notifications of deposits made - that just shows the extent of my problem.
I then came on to this site and had a read and thought I will go and self-exclude from the site, but when I got on there I decided to deposit a quick £25. I reset my deposit limit to £3000 before I deposited as I knew I could potentially get carried away, but somehow this didn't come into effect and so I got caught up in the cycle again.
My whole family are losing faith in me now, but nobody more than I am, it seems i'm just to weak or stupid to stay away.
Again, I've smoked about 60 cigarettes in this 24 hours which is shocking, not only am I ruining my mental health, but also my physical health.
My daughter got up this morning and got ready for school as I had slept through my alarm. She was wearing the same blouse that she had on yesterday as i'd neglected to do any washing and she set off for school on her own, made me feel even more disgusted in myself.
I guess i'm just not strong enough, no more false promises to everyone here. I can't even manage to stop for one day.
Good luck to everyone else xxx
Sorry this post couldn't have been more positive guys.
PS. Thanks for your support Simon, i'm not chinese by the way - chan is just short for a name I got given when i used to gamble on TV (Play DJ) which has been taken off air thank God cos that was another nightmare addiction.
Hi Chan,
I'm so glad to see you are back. Sorry I have not caught up and posted sooner.
Just read through your last few posts and I can feel the desperation you are feeling.
You really need to get serious with this now. You've admitted yourself that you are out of control. And I can see from the amounts you are wasting night after night that this is destroying you inside.
You know what you need to do. You need to stop. And the only way you are ever going to close an account, never to just go find another one to open is to block yourself.
You said a couple of posts back about getting bet filter, but you you had 4 computers and you seemed worried about the cost. Your talking about £200 to do all 4.... Yes... I know how that feels... trying to scrimp on everything so you've got a little bit extra to gamble with... i used to do it all the time. I'd moan about going out for dinner... spending £50-100 but not think twice throwing another 4-500 in a fruity... what is up with that??? But seriously... put it in perspective... £200 and not able to gamble online at home anymore.... or £4125 gone in 24hrs?
It could be the best £200 you spend on something gambling related ever!
You only need to find the strength to do it once... and then it is done.
And you asked if this gets easier... Well in my experience it does get easier... but there are a lot of ups and downs on the way. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Getting blocks in place will help when you feel weak.
I know you may not feel ready to do this now... It is a big step. Doing it would be you finally admitting to yourself that you can not control it and that the only choice left is to never do it again. Even if not now, I know you will get there eventually. I hope it's soon as I would hate to see how much further you can fall.
Anyway... sorry for possibly being a little preachy... I don't mean to, but it upsets me when I see people that are having such a hard time.
Good luck, and I really mean it... I hope what ever you decide to do you will get there in the end...
SF
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