online slot stupidity

I agree with the above post. If you're in a hole the first thing to do is stop digging. Buy the software you need to make it so you cant gamble online. Try to restrict your access to funds also and look at what makes you gamble. If it's boredom then try some new hobbies, increase your workload etc.

You're not going to win the money back.

I've never gambled online (it always seemed too much of a scam to me) but if you can self exclude from these websites (as well as using the software) then do that instead of just restricting the amount you can deposit like you mentioned before.

Good luck 🙂

Thanks so much for your posts. I've had a really hard time dealing with this today and don't think i've ever felt so down in my life as I have these past couple of months.

When I read back that last post I wrote, I kinda realised how desperate I had become and just knew that if I didn't stop there then gambling would be the death of me.

So I bit the bullet and got K9 software put on both computers, i've got my fella to put in the passwords so I can't uninstall and I know he won't divulge them to me because he can see the way gambling destroys me.

After putting the block on, I tested that it worked and then came on here and read your compassionate replies that I really don't think I deserve.

SF, you hit home when you said that I make excuses for buying software when I can put extortionate amounts of money into an online slot - spot on! I am so frugal with money in real life, yet can blow thousands online - it really is insane.

You also touched me deeply when you said "I know you will get there eventually". I didn't expect anyone to have such faith in me - I burst into tears at that point as most people just laugh at my attempts to give up as I always seem to go back in the end.

I think another thing that got me emotional was fatuesque when you said "You're not going to win the money back". I have to accept this and it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - There is no deluding myself that tomorrow is another day and I might win a bit back and that is a scary thought - I have to accept what a complete idiot i've been and move on with life, because now there is no going back.

I went for my first counselling meeting BTW on friday to figure out why I gamble - we came to the conclusion that I over catastophise issues. I always thing the worst and have quite a negative thought process. I need to move from thinking "I can't do this" to "I can do this" in every aspect of my life.

I also suffer from severe anxiety and this is what led me back to gambling time and time again. I spoke to my Doctor in depth about this the other day and he has prescribed some medication to help me deal with it.

I am so grateful for your heartfelt posts, it means so much when someone you don't even know takes time to identify with you and understand you, it's hard to convey what I am going through to my family (non-gamblers). It's especially difficult because I cannot rationalise my thought processes myself at the mo.

Anyway, I hope my posts start to get a little cheerier in the future. In fact i'll be positive for once I KNOW THEY WILL.

Thanks guys TC xxx

Thank god for that!

I don't think I have ever been so happy to see someone get blocking software!

REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WELL DONE!

I know this is HUGE for you but a step you have to take!

It is strange how all us CG's, no matter how different we are in life, no matter what our own induvidual reasons for gambling and no matter what we gamble on, we are all SO simillar. That is the main thing I have noticed through reading on this forum. The number of habits and things we do that everyone else does. The skewed view of money is one that has always got me about my self... I always thought of myself as quite sensible...

But moving on... as you now seem to be... I do have massive faith in you... as i do in everyone that comes onto this forum.

The reason that I know you will get there in the end is for the fact that I know one day I will get there too.

I try not to think about not gambling ever again. I refuse to promise myself, or anyone else that I will not gamble ever again. That is a promise that I don't know if I can keep.

What I have promised myself, and everyone else that cares is that I will NEVER STOP trying to stop gambling. Everytime I relapse I will start again. Everytime I mess up I will clean up the mess I leave behind, and one day I will have gambled for the last time of my life. If that was 46 days ago then amazing... but even if that is in 10, 20 30 years... even when i'm 87 and on my death bed... One day I will have gambled for the last time... And until i get there, I will never stop trying not to gamble.

That is my promise to me, to you and to anyone else that give a flying f***k!

Anyway.. sorry... kind of went off on one there...

Again... REALLY well done... you have absolutely made my evening.

Take care,

SF

o*g ! I've just nipped back on and seen your response and you have reduced me to tears again lol. I'm such an emotional wreck tonight. It's the whole facing up to everything but you're words of encouragement and empathy are amazing.

You sound like you are doing really well in your recovery and I just hope I have the strength that you have got to get through this - Like you, I will never stop trying to stop !

Think I might even get Steve to put this block on my Mums computer as I have a key to her house and know when she goes out. Need to remove all temptation as I know how devious my mind can be when I need to gamble.

Take care

Chan xxx

Oops.. double posted

Sorry... it appears i am good at making girls cry...

"I know how devious my mind can be when I need to gamble."

Get that thought right out of your head!

You need to breathe,

You need to eat,

You need to live.

You do NOT NEED to gamble... you want to gamble. It's impossible to give up something you NEED...

But on the other hand... with the right frame of mind, very easy to refrain from doing something you WANT to do.

For example... I WANT to rob a bank to pay off all my debts. But I don't have to, and I know it's wrong, so I wont.

I know i'm trivialising it a little... and it's really not easy. But it does get easier. First you need to breal the gambling habit though, and that means doing different things and distracting yourself at times when you would normally gamble.

Right... thats it from me for tonight...

Again... Well done... you really have made my night.

SF 🙂

Thanks again SF, as I said in an earlier post my mind is still totally screwed up . I know I don't "need" to gamble, but the urge is so strong sometimes that I feel compelled to just log on and get my fix in order to settle my mind.

That was when I had a choice though. I have removed that choice, so the voices can scream all they like, and the fact is I cannot give them them what they want.

Feels kinda nice, like i'm regaining control - don't get me wrong i'll beat myself up about the money i've squandered for some time and I'm also angry that I ignored your advice when I first started posting as I could have prevented so much further damage. But, I guess we live and learn - Today is DAY 1, and I know I will get through it as I've got lots of housework to do to help me get through it lol. I believe in feng shui and therefore I'm hoping that a clean house does equate to a clear mind.

bye guys xx

Hi Chan,

Hope the cleaning went well and that you feel adequitely cleansed... 🙂

I know its hard... but try not to think too hard about what is lost.... that has gone. What matters now is making sure what is yours in future stays yours and doesn't add to the already bulging bank accounts of the casinos.

As for the not taking advice earlier... don't beat your self up about that either. For some reason none of us seem to take the advice of others at first... Me included.

I think this is one of those mistakes you have to make for yourself so you know without doubt what you need to do. Everyone has to hit the bottom before they can start climbing back up.

From the outside looking in it is frustrating. You can see the mistakes someone is going to make... and you know they'll regret it... but you could tell them till you are blue in the face what you know will happen. They never listen... Like I said.. they have to find out for them selves. This isn't a dig at you... I did exactly the same thing a few years ago. Only that time it took me till a month and a half ago to stop again. If you stick around here (And I really hope you do) then soon enough you will see another you about to make the same mistakes as you already have.

Anyway, I hope that you have had a good day 1 and are staying strong. The first few days of re-adjusting are very difficult... But at least you've now got some blocks in place to stop you.

Take care,

SF

Hi Chan,

we briefly met in chat tonight...Your posts are very witty (I found your first post amusing)....Might I add I am taking you seriously and can relate to what you are saying, however, you have to completely stop before it goes to far!!!...So, enough of my talk, I am going to read the rest of your diary from where I left off...

Bye

Easy li£e.

Hi guys, well I got through day one - yeaahhhhh !!!

I woke up and where I would normally go back to sleep because of depression after a heavy loss and a fear of how much more I was prepared to lose, I realised the block was on so I was safe to get up.

Tried to keep myself busy all day, I tidied, hoovered, washed and even cooked myself some dinner (not eaten dinner in ages). Then I attempted to tackle my daughters room - what a nightmare that was - still only half way through.

Been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, and I found myself getting easily irritated. ie. Called at my Mums later on in the day and she casually said 'why don't you apply to go on deal or no deal'?' I found myself shouting back at her 'Why the hell would I want to do that?' for one thing she knows i'm incredibly anxious when in social situations where all focus is on me - this is part of the reason why I started gambling in the first place. The other reason is that this programme is centred around gambling which has caused so much destruction for me. She knows this so I found that 'innocent' suggestion quite insensitive.

Saying that, I don't want people treading on eggshells through fear of upsetting me - i'm clearly highly strung at the moment and need to work on calming my mood.

Then my Auntie came round and asked me to put her lottery on for her. I reluctantly opened the lottery site before telling her that I was a problem gambler in recovery, currently seeing a counsellor and therefore this is the last time I will be doing this for her as a block was being put on my Mum's computer. My Mum turned and hushed me as if completely ashamed. Upset, I questioned her later and said I wanted to be honest with as many people as possible to help my recovery and her response was that she didn't want to be bombarded with questions as to how much I'd lost - how out of control I had got as it was nobody elses business. I will respect that, I have people on here who I can vent to.

I later went in the chatroom, just to keep myself busy really. The last few times i've been in the conversation completely revolved around me so I tried to keep quiet. I didn't want to take the focus off other people who were struggling and needing help. But eventually it came back to me again lol. Someone asked me how I had felt halfway through my last destructive session of gambling and my answer was f**k it might as well do my entire bank balance in, at least i'll have nothing left to give them then. I was told that this was a typical response of a CG which is quite scary really.

I also spoke of the desperation I had felt during my last binge - doing deals in my head with God - promising that if I got my money back just this one time I would never gamble again and then cursing him cos he allowed me to lose another £80.

The fact is I allowed myself to lose another £80 and I take full resposibility for that now and it took that heavy last session to get to the point where I seriously decided to turn my back on gambling once and for all.

The rest of the night went well, watched the Apprentice, continued to read a certain diary with posts as long as mine lol and all was well until I checked my emails before going to bed. I had an email from a bingo site I had never even joined. It addressed me by name and said that I had £25 waiting in my account which I can play without even depositing and then withdraw what I win.

How tempting is that? Had the blocks not been in place I would have been straight on there trying my luck and again I would not have made it through day one. I got an uneasy feeling that bingo sites had been passing my details around saying get this sucker on board, she'll increase your profit margins, she never knows when to stop. Well, i'm happy to say that that email has been angrily deleted. They can keep their free money I don't bloody want it !!!

Anyway onto day 2 after this unbelievably long post - seeing counsellor at 2.00 PM. Not looking forward to telling her about my latest binge. But proud of the steps i've taken to stop that happening again.

BTW, just watched Jeremy Kyle and there was a problem gambler on there reaching out for help and on the verge of losing his family. Advice given was just to stop because he will never win- felt for the guy, he looked desperate - no mention of Gamcare, no advice as to what blocks to put in place. Really hope he finds his way to this forum, it's been my saviour !!!!

Well done on day 1 and I hope day 2 has gone well for you as well...

Sounds like you had a pretty full on day, but you got through it and that is the main thing. I'm sure the days will start racking up before you know it.

Don't take any notice of what others tell you to say or not say... this is YOUR recovery... do what you feel comfortable with. In the end, as far as I'm concerned, the more people that know, the less chances you'll get to relapse.

And thank-you for the comments on my diary... and thank-you more for actually taking the time to read it. It must have been a bit of a mission... its getting quite long.

You can definitely beat this... you just have to take each day as a new one and stay strong.

Take care,

SF

Thanks again SF, your advice is very similar to my counsellors who told me that I should be as open as I want to be as this is my recovery and if it causes problems for anyone else, that should not be my concern.

Got into quite a dimemma though when I got home. I checked my emails and had one from the site that I had just had my final binge on.

It said that there was a deposit bonus waiting in my account. Now, this has happened to me on other sites where I have frittered away 1K plus and they have put £100 in my account the following day, of course I have blown this in the past by trying to make more. But, this time I built up this bonus in my head..... if they have given me back even 5% of what I have wagered over the 2 days then that would be about £200 which I may just be able to withdraw .... it would be stupid to just let this go to waste.

I couldn't log into my account so I discussed it with Steve when he got home because I didn't want to jeapordise my recovery in any way. I even went into the chatroom to get advice and we all decided that Steve should log into my account from his computer and attempt to withdraw this generous bonus - If that wasn't possible, he would wager it on my behalf and withdraw anything that was made from it.

I have to say I felt uncomfortable about this - as though I was in someway cheating, anyway it had to be done as I was just far too curious.

well, when he logged into my account, I had to laugh. The bonus that had caused all this commotion was the grand total of £1. A spin of the reel and gone - thanks very much for that lol. Like I needed that head trauma for the sake of a bloody quid !!!

Anyway today is my day 3 and has gone well. My daughter has been off school and we have been doing a spring clean of her room - very impressed as she can actually walk freely in there now without having to climb over all the clutter.

Now comes the next dilemma that I have been periodically thinking about today.

Steve and I decided last week that we would go to bingo tonight as he has work tomorrow ... so it would be pointless spending all night in a pub as we usually do.

I had been worried that if we should go to bingo I would be cheating, but again this is MY recovery - I have a major problem with online gambling and am aware that I am simply unable to have one spin of the online slots without losing complete control of myself and It is this form of gambling that I am attempting to beat.

I also don't enter casino's anymore for the same reason..... I cannot leave until no.23 has come in. I don't even know why I am so obsessed with 23, I just am!

But bingo poses no threat to me. I think this is because I view this as a social outing with the chance of winning a bit of cash on top. I can't go into chasing mode when i'm in a bingo hall as when the books are played it's time to go home win or lose.

So, i've decided if he's home in time which is looking unlikely - then we'll go !!

Glad I sorted that one out !!

There are many people who have a problem with bingo, just because it's more socially accepted than other forms of gambling it doesnt make it any less dangerous. Be on your guard.

Don't swap one bad habit for another, and dont let losing money to bingo (gambling) become ok to you because you see it as social.

It's like a smoker who only smokes when theyre out for the night...it doesnt really make it ok, it's still bad for you, i still costs money.

I can lose money on a fruit machine all night while talking to someone and have done many a night, it's still a problem.

Also...what happens if you win ? when i win it encourages me to gamble and eventually i lose, it becomes a problem and i have to calm it down again

Anyway those are my thoughts, have a good weekend whatever you get upto

hello there, best of luck to you.

Thats a lot like me.

I remember 1 occasion me and a friend were in the pub having a few pints. He went on a £70 jackpot fruit machine there.

He must of lost £40 and told me to go on it because he "knew" someone else would go on it and take jackpot.

In fact though these machines can take £100's or £1000's before paying out a thing.

I reluctantly went on but after-all my "friend" was certain it has to pay jackpot.

In went a note, in went the next, in went another and before long what was more than £150 worth of notes in my wallet suddenly became just a crumpled £5 note that was given when I got my change for the pints.

Horrible times that was

Hi Chan,

Well done for day 2 and 3.

And it's good the way you dealt with the email you got.

Have you considered unsubsribing from all the gambling sites? or sending emails back telling them of your problems? Most will instantly stop you from registering or close your accounts indefinitely.

I spent a couple of weeks doing that, and now I don't get any gambling related emails at all. It took a bit of effort on a few... but the end result is, no emails, and therefore no risks of being tempted by them.

I hate to say it, but I would have to, to a point, agree with some of the above.

This is definitely YOUR recovery and so you should play it the way you feel comfortable.

And if you don't feel that bingo is a threat then awsome for you.

My warning would be though... look out for the warning signs.

A few days into my recovery I played one of those stupid grabber machines at a fair. I would never have considered that to have been a threat before (Or even a serious form of gambling). But with my messed up head, and the fact that I was no longer using my normal outlet to deal with things, I felt myself becoming a little compulsive.

I only put a few pound in, and it was to win a toy for my ex who was with me... but I felt some of the emotions coming on that would normally be there when playing fruit machines. I feel that if it were not for the fact that I noticed this, I could easily have got sucked in and spent quite a bit more trying to 'win' that toy.

It seems silly... especially as there was no chance of winning money... but I was amazed that something as innocent as a toy grabbing machine could potentially have become a threat to my recovery.

All I am saying is be careful, and look out for the signs. If you notice them starting to fill your mind then you know that ALL gambling is off limits for you. As I now know it is for me.

And Ben... I couldn't even begin to count the number of times that has happened to me... The "mate" that assures you it's going to drop. Very dangerous game!

THats my thoughts for the night...

Hope day 4 goes well for you.

SF