online slot stupidity

Hey guys, many thanks for all your posts. I can see your genuine concern for me slipping back into my old ways.

I have been doing some serious self-analysis in order to ascertain why my behaviour towards some gambling is seriously compulsive and yet I have the ability to be controlled in other aspects.

I have been doing the lottery for 16 years now spending £4 per week. Admittedly, this money would perhaps be better spent in a saving scheme for my daughters future and i'm seriously considering knocking this pointless expense on the head now..... my point is that I have always spent £4 from week one, I haven't spent £8 the following week, thinking i'd have a better chance. In my mind that is controlled gambling.

When the Grand National comes, I have a couple of bets on the horses. If my horse doesn't win - I don't start going in the bookies everyday spending beyond my means to attempt to get this money back. I can accept that I have lost and leave it at that.

I feel exactly the same with bingo. I know there are loads of strategically placed fruit machines to entice people to spend more than they have budgeted for and at one point this was a problem for me. I fought my battle with that 5 years ago and now I don't touch them - they hold no power over me any more. I also don't bother with the interval games as they are a clear con in my opinion.

So why is it that roulette has me under such a trance? Why can't I seem to walk away?

Why can't I play a fruit machine online/offline without emptying my bank account and feeling deeply depressed, ashamed, hopeless.

Why would I too SF get completely carried away on a toy grabbing machine and spend an absolute fortune on a teddy that I could buy for much less in the shops?

Why do I change £1 after £1 at the seaside arcades to put in the 2p push-off machines? Who the hell would want a pocket full of 2p's anyway?

Scratchcards i'm certain would have the same hypnotic effects on me, but wouldn't even like to test this one.

I believe my addiction is something to do with the results of the wager being instant and the immediate ability to place a subsequent bet. If there is capacity to do this then I am addicted - it's as simple as that.

I don't know if this makes any sense to people and I know some people see gambling as black and white with no grey area.

Personally, I endeavour to quit all the forms of gambling that have a negative impact on my life and ultimately take control of my mind and sanity.

Today is day 4 - Feeling stronger now, thanks to the blocks and the support on here.

I will definately keep my feelings in check with regard to the bingo. If I find I am turning it into a 'slot' substitute then I will definately knock it on the head.

Unless it becomes a problem, I won't mention it again as I am aware that other people are battling to gain control of their gambling and I don't want to be seen as advocating bingo as an alternative. Whilst I feel it poses no threat to myself, It could be the catalyst for other people.

On that note, i'm off to pick my daughter up from the swimming baths

BTW SF, I will take your advice with regard to contacting the companies about their emails. The temptation they pose takes me from feeling high and in control to low and doubtful of my ability to conquer this addiction in an instant. I just don't need the stress !!!

That's all from me for now xx

Chan

Hi Chan...

You prefer certain forms of gambling because they give you that instant fix... anticipating that instant win can feel intoxicating and hence we want to repeat that feeling over and over again until we run out of money.

I have no interest in putting a bet on a horse because i have no patience to wait for the blumin nags to queue up at the start and jump over the fences.. I want to know whether ive won NOW not in 20 minutes time... thats why I gambled on slots and any game where the ACTION is continuous and my heart is beating at a million miles an hour for several hours.

And yes its exactly like you say, the trance like state. Watching those reels spin in a euphoric state takes just enough concentration not to have to think or feel anything else, anything real. Life and lifes problems are put on hold whilst gambling. Nothing else really seems to matter when in action.

Now logically one could then say.. well if I stop playing instant win games (slots/machines/scratch cards) perhaps i could carry on having the odd bet on sports or the horses or like you say £4 a week on the lottery. But am afraid (in my opinion anyway) addiction doesn't work that way.. its like poking the gambling monster in the corner.. it will bore you just doing the lottery.. sooner or later you'l want the same level of fix that you had before, just like a drug addict having there sickly sweet doses of methodone.. the craving for the real deal will be there. There is nothing logical about this addiction its all emotional.

The answer is to surrender to it and commit oneself to not gambling on anything. It is not easy. I feel quite bored today and that would often be a trigger for me to go off gambling but not anymore. I'd rather be bored than have the stress of having gambled my money away yet again. All the best.. S.A

Afternoon Chan,

Glad you are so upbeat... take it while you can... unfortunately it's not all plain sailing, and the down thoughts will return. But hopefully over time you will get to the point where the good times out weigh the bad ones... I think I'm pulling about evens on that one now...

As for the "instant win" gambling... completely appriciate that. I also need that instant fix.

If it is an instant gamble I am there and spend a fortune. Slower gambling has never really interested me that much. I have only placed a bet on the horses twice in my life, and once on football. It bores me to death.

The lottery as well... I might stick the odd £10 on when there is a massive jackpot, but thats about it. Have no interest in playing every week... I know it's a pipe dream.

I think the only type of slower gambling I ever really got into was online poker... I never really had a problem with it. I would deposit a little, play a bit to while away a few hours and normally end up about even.

The danger with it was sometimes I would be tempted by those little icons in the corner... "Play Blackjack now"

If I clicked one of those, the poker would go out the window and so would all my money. Again... back to the instant win gambling!

But like SA, I'm not willing to take the risk on any sort of gambling anymore and for much the same reason. Everywhere there is slower style gambling there is a quicker more instant method not far away. Like you said... in the bingo you have slots. In the bookies you have FOBTs... on poker sites you have the casinos just a click away.

In the Casinos... well that just one massive adreneline rush!

Again... this is YOUR recovery and you have to find out what works for you. If that means making a few mistakes along the way then that is what will have to happen. We all make mistakes, I have made many. This is not by any means my first attempt at stopping. But as far as I'm concerned it is my first REALLY serious attempt.

I have done the, I'll only play poker, style of stopping before and it lead me back to full on gambling within a few weeks. When ever I have tried that sort of thing it brings into question, firstly my will power, and secondly how serious I was. As long as I was gambling in any sense at all I was still clinging onto the hope that I could gamble sensibly. I now know that is not the case and the only way for ME to be 100% committed to my recovery is to be 100% free from gambling.

These are just MY experiences, and I'm not emplying you are the same. We are all different and I know some people can still deal with some controlled gambling. Once into recovery. But many can't, myself and I beleive SA included.

All I am saying... like before, is be careful. It has taken immense strength from you to get this far and I would hate to see you set yourself back to day 1 over something as meaningless as a few games of Bingo.

That is the last I will say on the subject, as it is your decision. I just feel it would have been wrong to not share my own experience.

Take care

SF x

hi thanks for posting in the other forum.. was a lot of help..

i also have this problem, that I can bet on other stuff but it is the roulette that gets me.

i spent a few weeks mainly doing football bets and a lot of time analysing the game..I was doing okay, as you place a bet, and then you have to wait for the match to come, watch it, etc.

The stupid thing is that when it came to football bets I'd never bet more than £20 or somthing liek that, whereas on the roulette i would bet up to £40 a spin etc.

football season ended last week, and thats why I lost all my wages this week, as I went back to roulette...

slots is interesting, I never got into slots, it always seemed impossile to win, and i never won anything at all, so that put me off it.

good luck, keep posting because i will be coming back every so often to see how its going

Hi Chan. Great to see you tackling things head on. My biggest motivator (apart from posting on here) is that by making the decision to stop gambling you are giving yourself a choice. For me when I was in the thick of it, gambling never felt like a choice - indeed it wasn't it was a compulsion. Anyway all the best! Dan

Hi guys, thanks for all your responses.

I've not posted for a while as I started to feel a bit of a fraud, since I still occasionally frequent the bingo. I started to think what's the point of me writing a recovery diary if i'm still gambling?

For me though, i'm just chuffed to bits that I haven't gambled online for a whole week.

I remember the way I felt last week - desperate, isolated, completely out of control and with a feeling of powerlessness to ever be in control again.

I printed a statement off one of the sites before putting the block on to strengthen my resolve. This strategy has worked massively in stopping the urges....sometimes there was less than a 3 minute interval between deposits of £100. It's unbelievable !!! So everytime I get that niggling voice saying 'I wish I could just risk a quick £20' I look at the sheet and realise how rapid it would be gone... It's just not worth it.

I have enjoyed a nice weekend with my cousin and his kids - bowling, scoffing Chinese, drinking. I took my daughter to the park yesterday and visited the library to get some self-help books on dealing with anxiety.

I'm feeling better in myself as it makes a change just to get out of the house and it really is nice to be there for my daughter - to take her out places and watch her having fun.

Disgusting as this seems and I hate to admit it .... I used to feel she interfered with my gambling time and was always saying 'why don't you go out and play on a day like this?' What I was actually thinking was I need to get my money back before we do anything together. It is sad but she came second to gambling, no wonder my self-worth hit rock-bottom - It really wasn't just about the money lost.

Also I've started taking my medication to control my anxiety, so no booze for me for the next 6-9 months. I'm hoping that this should help in enhancing my mood, since alcohol is a depressant anyway. But I know this is gonna be one tough vice to *** on top of the gambling.

Also wanted to say that my cigarette smoking has halved this week so everthing is moving in the right direction.

Gonna try now and get my business back up and running.

Chan x

Hi Chan

You say in your last sentence you are going to try and get your business back up and running.

Well it seems to me,you are doing well in a lot of things at the moment.Like you say the medication will help and the drink is a depressant ,but ultimately its you who has decided to cut down on your gambling ,smoking and drinking and its you who has started taking your medication.Its you who is putting the hard work in.

You have a great attitude towards this addiction.

Keep reading and writing there are lots of people on here that will gamble tomorrow or the next day.Beating this doesnt happen over night.But with your hard work you will beat this.All the best Jeff.

Hi Chan,

I've not really been on so much in the last few days but thought I would drop in on your diary and catch up.

Firstly, you're not a fraud. If Online gambling is your problem then thats fine by me. If you feel you can do the bingo then that is upto you. All I would sugest is maybe not posting about any wins etc you get as that might upset a few people...

Each of us has a different level of problem. Myself I have chosen to abstain completely. But there are others that continue to gamble in some ways, whilst abstaining from others.

Second, I can completely relate to how you feel about your daughter. That is the thing I have found most difficult to come to terms with. It's amazing how twisted our thought processes can get whilst in the grips of gambling. I have neglected my daughter a lot due to gambling and the consequences of it. As well as other people. I'd like to think I am dealing with that now I am not gambling.

Anyway, you're doing well and keep it up. Make sure you keep reading and posting. It will help you and others as well.

Take care,

SF

Hey guys, thanks so much for your responses they mean so much to me and keep helping me to move in the right direction. It's true what you say SF, gambling does warp your brain and when you have a break from it and start getting your head together, that's when the guilt sets in. It makes me so ashamed, the high priority I used to give to gambling. But, gonna use that guilt as a positive. It now makes me more resolute in my fight.

I had a scary moment yesterday, I remembered that one of the sites I had played on had a promotion running in which somebody would win a £3,000 holiday voucher on 31st May.

This was one of the reasons I hadn't excluded from this site as with the amount i'd deposited I thought I had a good chance.

I casually typed the name of this casino into my browser and somehow it hadn't been blocked.

I got stressed at this point. I clicked on the promotions and it barred them, clicked on the slots and it let me staright in.

I saw in chat the people posting their wins (tomorrows losses), and the welcoming host (who's wages I used to pay). I glanced at my favourite slot, that had robbed me of my self respect, my money and almost my sanity and I was disgusted. I was also angry with myself for potentially putting my recovery in danger by going on the site.

I clicked on self-exclusion, and barred myself for 4 weeks as this was the max. I could have gone into live help and done a permanent exclusion, but just wanted to get off the site as soon as possible. I will make sure that Steve adds this site to the filter.

I now realise that I must be getting a hell of a lot stronger. There would have been nothing standing in my way of depositing - nobody would have ever known. But, Instead of that feeling of excitement and false hope that I used to get on that site, I was filled with negativity towards it. I never want to go back to that dark place I was in and at 8 days clean of it, I refuse to go backwards !!!

Also, a couple of days ago, I got another email from the site I had won the £1 bonus from that had caused me so much stress.

They told me I had won a draw and the funds had been credited to my account. Steve logged in and there was £150 in my balance - They had stated in the email that they would prefer me to play with this money and withdraw what I win. Ignoring this advice and barely giving me time to create a dilemma in my mind, Steve swiftly withdrew it back to my bank account..... doubt they'll be sending me free money again in a rush lol, but would like to say a big thank-you to them for knocking my overall losses down a bit.

I have since taken your advice SF and unsubscribed from all emails.

Had a really good day today - took my 9 year old daughter to do her swimming badge and she managed to do a total of 40 lengths (1000 metres). Gotta admire her stamina, I couldn't do 2! So Just wanted to say I'm really proud of her.

Bed for me now......Had a dream last night that I was walking and walking for what seemed like an eternity searching for a pub, and then when I finally got there, was gutted cos at that point I remembered I was on medication so couldn't have a drink.

Tonight will be the test on the drink issue. I ALWAYS drink on a friday night. God help me !!! The last time I said I would give up drink was after New Year - think I managed 4 days lol.

It's friday night and i'm not drinking. ARGHHHHHHH - God I could do with a nice cold pint or maybe a vodka redbull. 9 months of this - don't think I can cope 🙁

Feel like i'm trying to change two major habits of a lifetime at the same time. I know it will all be worth it in the end at least i've still got my cigs!

9 days now with no online gambling and no desire to go back so I guess not all is bad. Gonna watch a film now and pretend it's not friday lol.

Hiya Chan

Hopefully ten days clean now! I think you are the most strongest person for allowing us all to have an insight into what your life was....and what it will be after you beat this thing. And you will. I'll be there every step of the way with you, as your story so mirrors mine.

You cannot win on something that is predetermined. Make your own luck.

N xxx

Hi Chan,

Hope you had a good weekend, even if it was alcohol free...

And I guess you must be near on 2 weeks now?

Anyway, just wanted to drop you a line and let you know I'm still thinking of you,

Hope to hear from you again soon,

SF

Hi SF, yep i'm on day 12 and I feel a million times better. It still scares me to remember how low I felt 2 weeks ago. All I can say is thank God for this forum and for the support within it.

Also there is so much to be said for online blocks - It really has curbed my urges. I can't play so I don't think about it any more.

I've been spending a lot of time reading and responding to people in the new members intro section as their pain is so raw. Of course I heavily endorse the online blocks- but completely understand the reluctance to take this step in the early stages. It really is difficult to admit defeat and draw a line under losses, it takes time and often several more heavy losses (in my case anyway) but it was the best thing I ever did. The courage to take this step came from the support from people like yourself and others who have all been where I was.

On a musical note - Ever since I started on the road to recovery I keep hearing the song "Ordinary world" by Duran Duran. It goes like this:

But I won't cry for yesterday

There's an ordinary world

Somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way

To the ordinary world

I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence

Once prompted you to say

"Pride will tear us both apart"

Well now pride's gone out the window

Cross the rooftops

Run away

Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?

Crazy, some'd say

Where is my friend when I need you most?

Gone away

This is so, so relevant to me - I think it's telling me to turn my back on my losses, to learn from the past but move on from it... from weakness comes strength as they say.

We will all eventually make it to an 'ordinary world' - it's all most of us strive for and we will do it because we are survivors. That is why we are all here - we refuse to give up!

Regarding pride - well it did go out the window when the gambling took control over my life, but i'm gradually getting it back as I fight this addiction head on.

As for the friend, well she has 'gone away' but then she can't have been much of a friend in the first place. One thing that can be said of this addiction is that you find out who your real friends are.

My real friends are the ones that were seemingly clairvoyant. They saw through my smiley fascade and 'knew' that something was troubling me. They took the time to talk to me without judging, and it is these 'real' friends that I am forever thankful for.

I will leave this forum tonight thinking for once about how lucky I actually am in life.

Stay strong everyone !!!!!

'til next time

Chan

Also a big thank you for your positive post cannotwin, I will be following your journey as well. We can both do it !!!

Hi Chan. Also rate 'Ordinary World' as a great bit of music to overcome gambling and for me one or two other big events. Anyway just wanted to drop by and say how good it is to see you doing so well and wish you all the best. Dan