online slot stupidity

Feeling really negative at the moment, as despite everything I still went back - FGS !! Why am I so weak???

I'm aware now that my attempts at quitting are becoming a bit of a joke and I can't seem to make make it past about 4-5 days.

I had to take K9 off my computer yet again because it was causing issues. It worked perfectly well with my old computer but now gives me endless problems. Instead of looking for another block, I went straight back into gambling mode and have lost about another grand which I cannot afford to lose.

I am so so sick of that sick feeling, why do I constantly feel the need to live my life on the edge? Why, after the first £100 goes in am I desperately just trying to get even again? Wouldn't it be better to just not start in the first place?

My self esteem is now at rock bottom and I can't seem to move forward. My mate came round the other day and with the use of a bit of emotional blackmail, I allowed her to do what was right for me and put another block on both mine and my daughters computer.

So, up to yesterday I was back on day 4. Then the urges kicked in and I tried and tried to access the sites on my computer to no avail. Then I tried on my daughters and yeahhhhhh I could play again. How can one piece of software be so effective in one instance, yet utterly useless in another ?

I have told my partner yet again and he has password protected my daughters computer, but this can only be a short term solution. I would easily be able to bribe her when I feel desperate to gamble again and I know that time will come. So tonight, I am going to get him to reinstall the software and test every avenue whilst he is there. I am utterly fed up of all of this now and I need to have access completely denied, because sad as it is, I have zero willpower.

How many day 1's can one person have before completely losing their sanity? I seriously need to move on from this, but i'm losing faith in myself now. Any support would be much appreciated xx

Hey Chan,

I think first and foremost you need to stop torturing yourself! Yes you have relapsed and to you it might seem this has happened all too often but in reality we cannot put a time on our recovery! We cannot say this time it will definitely work! 2 years ago I was found out And my partner bailed me out of a financial mess! Instead of taking that second chance by the scruff of the neck I just continued gamble and ended up in an equally big financial mess! 31 days ago I had my last bet will it be my last ever that's too difficult to say at this stage but today I will not gamble and ive been saying that successfully for the previous 30 days!

What is different this time? Well the following are questions you need to ask yourself and it's important to be brutally honest with yourself!

Do you want to stop? The reason I'm on day 31 is because I genuinely dont want to lose anymore! It doesn't mean it's easy but wanting to stop is a massive step!

Do you have support? I have great support from my partner, my sister, and my dad! It sounds as tho you have support too! That support is both needed and prob more resilient and tolerate than you think! I drf thought my partner would walk away this time but she hasn't! The thing is your loved ones want you back and they will stick by you as long as they possibly can!

Do you have enough barriers in place? Too be honest I'm still creating my barriers and I've been told you can't really have enough barriers! Give up control

Of your money, get blocking software, lose access to bank accounts, self exclude! Do whatever is necessary to help you stop!

Are you treating yourself? This doesn't work for all but for the last 30 days before I go to bed I have put a £1 coin in a jar it's like a little pat on the back to myself for winning just for today! Next year I will smash that jar and use the pounds to pay for a holiday!

I know this message is a bit long and it prob doesn't say anything you havnt heard or been told before but what you must always remember is that this site is great! We are all the same here no one judges you, no one is better than you! Day 1 or day 501 the demon will always be there the test is how hard we are prepared to fight it!

I hope you can find some encouragement and some strength! If you truly want to quit then that is the perfect start and by posting regularly here you will get unparalleled support!

I wish you every success 🙂

Flagg

Hi Chan

I like yourself relapsed its all part of the process of beating this disease so don't be too hard on yourself , understand we all know what ur goin through

U know what it takes to do this and u can do it just take it slowly and be proud when u don't gamble , all the belief and confidence has been taken from u but by fighting those urges it will make u stronger and the real u will start to come back and start to beat this evil called gambling

Stay strong we're all here for u

Castle2

Thanks for your words of encouragement Flagg and Castle2, it really means a lot to me that people can still respond with empathy and understanding, even though I don't believe I deserve it.

I've asked myself your questions Flagg and I know I definately do want to stop the majority of the time. I just have moments where I convince myself that this one last time will be different and I might actually win and that makes me relentlessly try every avenue to get my fix. Last time this happened, I was able to gamble and although deep down I was fuming that the blocker didn't work, I was also filled with adrenaline the instant I logged into the site. It's a complete mixture of emotions, with my mind telling me to run yet the physiological high taking precedence. I never contemplate the fact that I may actually lose, there's no time for that, I just can't get my money on quick enough and like they all say, I cannot win because I cannot stop.

I do have a great deal of support from my partner, friends and family and the fact that I can open up to them counts for a lot and keeps me feeling less isolated. I couldn't have put the block on my computer but for them and would still be gambling right now. But the biggest source of support is this site because you are the people that have been where I am now and you don't have to try to understand, you just do.

I think I have enough barriers up now, and I have a 3 month check up appointment made with my counsellor for 15th May. She is going to be shocked when I tell her what i've been up to since my sessions ended in February and I may have to start seeing her again on a more regular basis.

Anyhow, going to go and do some work now and hopefully that will dampen my urges a little. I will cope today and keep the money I have left in the bank for a change xx

Thanks again for your support, and good luck in your journeys xx

Hi Chan

I've spent the last 90 mins reading your diary in full and just wanted to thank you for such an honest and helpful diary. What struck me throughout is just how very similar we all are. Young, older, male, female, single, partnered, children or no children - the thoughts, feelings, losses, turmoil all have very similar undertones. Yes, we are all individual but I related so so much with what you posted and the responses given by others. The other thing that really hit home was that the value of the bet doesn't ditract from it's significance. By this I mean I may lose £200 or £20 and as a percentage of my available money for the month, it's a huge impact and very significant. Although you have savings and have at times lost more money, the feelings, impact, process etc are all very similar and that really hit home with me. I'm under no delusion that had I had access to more money, my single losses too would have been higher. Over the last decade, it's probably totalled more than I realise anyway.

One thing I wanted to ask you...in my diary at the moment I'm struggling a bit with the idea of problem gambling vs non problem gambling. I know it brings rather varied and strong opinion! I truly truly believe that the lotto is not a problem. The reason for this comes down to the viewpoint of the gamble and the reason behind it. I view it as a set cost, much like my rent or travel pass each month! It's my choice to send £4 a week on it. It never increases and I know my numbers so can't risk them coming up. I know that's the lure but my point is at roulette or slots, I chased an instant win. And for me it's the instant win issue and the ability to bet time and time again straight away that's the key difference. Since I've stopped roulette I haven't increased my lotto. I held a similar opinion on football bets but am starting to question that one. Do you still hold the same opinion on lotto and bingo? I'd be really interested to know what you think.

And finally just wanted to say welcome back! I'm fairly new here but the sense of community is what gets me through the tougher times. Together we'll all get there, in our own way, in our own time.

Hope you're doing well

Connor x

Hi Connor, Thanks for the reply and I'm sorry I have taken so long in responding, but I've been really struggling and relapsing every few days so I thought it was best not to post on my diary until I seriously decided to confront my problem.

Today, I feel fantastic, I have finally done what I should have done when I first replaced my stolen computer. I have installed a block called TXnogam, which basically shuts down the window every time I try to click on a gambling link.... It doesn't even allow me to read emails from gambling related sites.

As I have already stated, K9 used to be excellent on my old computer, but it seems incompatible with Windows 9 and was causing all sorts of problems so I was relying on willpower alone (hence the numerous relapses).

I found this block and did a 10 day trial which ended yesterday and this is the longest I've abstained since February 2012. I thought it would be hell going 10 days without a bet, but as i've said before - once there is a block in place, the temptation is removed and therefore the urges don't come as thick and fast. It also helps to keep busy and as I'm a printer and have had the Diamond Jubilee to contend with, I've certainly been busy !!

Anyway, today I wagered a final £20 and said goodbye to the online slots before purchasing the full license @ £24 🙂

Now I feel great, free and finally on the right path.... I can't wait to tell my fella when he gets home. Today is the start of a brand new life !!!

With regard to your question Connor, I'm still of the same mindset regarding problem gambling Vs controlled gambling. With fast action gambling such as roulette, slots etc, I become compulsive and can't walk away - there is no control whatsoever! I think the only reason I stopped at £20 today was because I'd already created a deposit limit on my account.

Some would say you have to abstain from gambling altogether, but personally I think that depends on the individual as there a varying degrees of this problem and I think you have to look internally at what you are comfortable doing. If you feel happy doing the lottery, then continue to do it ... as I will continue to have the odd night at bingo. I will not however, be sat ignoring my family, clicking away my savings and feeling sick to my stomach from this day forward and that's a great feeling !!!

Thanks for sticking by me guys and I hope you are all doing well in your own personal journeys xx

Chan

Well this is my 4th clean day and I'm feeling confident for once. I'm beginning to come to terms with my losses, and having those 10 days away from gambling has offered clarity in my thoughts. I know that gambling isn't going to get my money back, just hard work.

Have found that I've been over thinking things since I stopped. I made far too much Jubilee stock and now I'm stressing that I may get stuck with it. Normally I would admit defeat and go on a gambling spree to try and and break even. But instead I have one more Jubilee party to attend on the 16th and after much deliberation I've decided to put all the stock in a lucky dip at £1 a go.... hopefully it will prove successful.

If not, I will still be thankful, because the time spent making all this stock was time spent away from gambling which in turn aided my determination to beat this addiction.

I will be totally honest, I got a phone call from a well known gambling site yesterday telling me that they had credited my account with a £15 bonus. I think it would have taken a lot of willpower to ignore this and as you all know willpower isn't my strong point. So like last time, I got my partner to log in from his computer and play the bonus. Nothing was won and it didn't fuel me to make further deposits like it was designed to. The speed of which it was spent actually reinforced my desire to quit and confirmed I had made the right decision.

So onwards and upwards, off now to get some work done, hope you all have a gambling free happy day !!!

Chan

Hey Chan,

I know I posted a really long message to you some time ago! Today , I won't do that! I'll Just say it was great to see your lost post, it was your most positive post by miles and I'm really pleased to see it!

I hope this new found strength continues and you can begin to piece together your life! Being gamble free for a period of time will certainly help with that!

I wish you well!

Flagg

Hi Chan,

Well done on getting rid of the spectre of the "free" bonus. I suspect these companies must employ psychologists as they sure know how to press our buttons for best effect, don't they? I'm so glad they didn't reel you in: very well handled. Be on your guard to knock them back if they try again!

Wishing you continuing strength,

Rose

Thanks for the replies Flagg and ctw,

Just checking in to say i've done 2 weeks now and I'm feeling loads better in myself. I admit, I still get urges to play, but I just try and keep myself busy.

My Jubilee stall on Saturday didn't go amazing and unfortunately i'm now bumping into images of the Queen everywhere I go in the home lol. God knows how I'm going to get rid rid of all this Jubilee stock... Just another challenge I guess. A plus point is that making it all got me through a really difficult time so even if it doesn't sell, it will still be worth it 🙂

Off to do a bit more printing, see u all soon xx

Hi Chan,

Not sure if you read this anymore but if you do, chin up sweetheart. We can do this again together because I need the help too.

Take care.

N xxxxx

Hi guys I’m back.

Anyone else have a period of complete abstinence, move away from Gamcare thinking they’re now ‘cured’ only to end up letting their guard down months/years down the line?

I know I went a considerable period without gambling and I know I felt amazing for it so I’m fully aware that it can be done and that’s exactly where I am heading for again. But why? Why do we suddenly upgrade our phone, buy a new laptop and think we can control it this time, a few spins on our favourite slot won’t be a problem now.

This is what I did and I came up with a strategy for winning which worked ….. I actually made money from gambling by taking the sign up offers 200% here and 100% there. I figured this gave ME the edge rather than the casino. I wasn’t making a lot of profit but my savings were gradually growing. What I know now though was that I was fooling myself and although you may be lucky a couple of times, you will always get stung in the end. Suddenly I started upping my deposits, thinking if I play higher stakes I will win more and I guess as compulsive gamblers we all get greedy. Higher stakes equals higher wagering requirements and although I could sometimes turn my deposits into a couple of grand, I would find that I still had to wager upwards of 10K before I could withdraw and things took a downward spiral. Suddenly I was never cashing out anything.

My 10K savings were falling along with my confidence. I kept coming back here and reading posts here and there thinking I need to get a grip but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want you all to tell me to put a block on as I didn’t want to accept a loss of 2K.

You always believe your luck will turn!!!

I never saw gambling as a progressive illness. Playing the slots at £1.25 a spin was something I had always done and it rarely increased (unless I had a bonus) in which case I would double it. Looking back I can’t believe how naГЇve I was because then roulette happened.

I had been watching gambling video’s on youtube in an attempt to get a secondary fix and saw a guy called R********a gambling on roulette. I have never seen anyone have such luck, he was a slot player who often turned to roulette when his balance was low and within a couple of spins of the wheel he’d made thousands.

This planted a seed and although I was never gonna play the stakes he did, I decided this was gradually how I would get my 2K loss back. Gone were the slots and now I was playing the Devils game.

I watched the ball falling in the zero section again and again and decided the tier section was overdue. I started by putting approximately £30 on per spin. If I got a hit I would be getting back approximately £90 but if my jackpot no. came in (no 23) this would be a big win for me as I had £7 on this no. How things progressed from there so quickly I will never get my head around. Zero section continued to hit, I had lost a couple of hundred and had to up my stake to £60 per spin and again luck was not on my side. I spent the entire night gambling and eventually my alarm for work went off. There was no way I was going into work as I had by now lost 1.5K on this game and my section had to be due now. Where was no. 23? It had been in excess of 500 spins and it still hadn’t come in…. how can this be? What is the possibility of that happening? If it hit now, it would have to hit at least 7 times for me to even be close to where I started. Needless to say this didn’t happen and I ended up 2.4K down that day and feeling seriously low!.

How can someone have such bad luck? I vowed I would never play roulette again and I left the site.

However, the following week I signed up to another online casino. I had had a few drinks and had been offered a 100% deposit bonus. I decided to deposit £350 which would give me £700 to play with and a fair chance of getting back my £4.4K. I played the tier section and got hits, I moved to zero section and got hits and within the space of half an hour my £700 had turned into £3.3K. I was soooooo relieved. I then checked how much more I had to wager and it was 22K. A crazy losing streak ensued and I believed that this was because it was now mid early morning and I must have been the only one playing. There was no possible way that the wheel could go 30+ spins without hitting my section once, it had to be rigged.

I took the £690 that was still left of my balance and decided to play the televised version the following night when I could actually see the wheel being spun by a live croupier. I decided not to get stuck on the tier section and looked at the cold no’s. No 32 hadn’t been in for over 300 spins now so if anything, this no. was going to save me.

Needless to say, tier section hit and hit and hit. The croupier said how 23 had now become the hottest no. on the wheel after hitting 3 times in the last 9 spins! …. I was furious! If only this had been the other night and w*f was no 32? 32 always hit after 23!

I redeposited £500 again and again and again until eventually the televised show was over. 32 hadn’t come in and now I was out of control. I moved over to another roulette wheel that was open 24/7 and continued to play crazy stakes of £80 plus per spin and still I could not get a hit.

I missed work again the following day and could feel myself falling deeper and deeper. I was now over £7K down in total. I had literally lost any motivation in my life and my thoughts were all focused on how I was going to get my 7K back. One of my best friends was really concerned about me and kept offering to put a block on my phone but we’d been there and done that and after telling her that my phone was just not functional with the block on, she had removed it. As a gambler we can be quite manipulating to get our fix can’t we?

So, finally I go to work and decide to get my life back on track. I am self employed and work in personalised products. I get most of my income from online sales as my shop gets little passing trade and I sublet the upstairs of the shop to a hairdresser who pays half the rent and bills. I did all day away from the gambling and felt like I was going to get myself back on track. Then my hairdresser came downstairs with a bunch of flowers and thanked me for giving her the opportunity to open her own business but as she had done so well, she needed to expand and had found a new salon. Excitedly she told me that it had a beauty room that she could rent out and she would also rent out chairs at £20 a day. She had enthusiasm and passion to succeed like I had once had and I had to feel happy for her…. But where would this leave me? I’d just ploughed the majority of my savings into an online casino.

You would think this would be my absolute turning point but no! The following day I went into work LATE again because my whole sleeping pattern had been so disturbed and I proceeded to open the live casino. This time I HAD to win. How many times can I lose? this didn’t happen to anyone else. Problem is though, I now had too much to make back. My stakes had to be higher and within no time at all I had ploughed another 3.5K in and LOST. I wrote down the numbers that were coming in and the section I was playing actually hit 11 times out of 187.

I’ve now lost in excess of 10K and the majority of that within this past week. I have decided I cannot continue this lifestyle anymore as it’s making me really ill.

I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I am not present in my own life and my business is practically non-existent.

BUT I’m positive that I can turn this around. I now have Gamban on my computer and I have put K9 on my phone. I literally put a random no. as the password whilst I disabled Safari and the app store on my phone, confirmed it and then repeated hundreds of diffe
rent numbers in my head so I would never be able to take it off.

I’m confident now I have the blocks in place to prevent me making this bad situation worse. I will become an active user of this forum again as it helped me massively last time and I swear the following posts from me will be more positive. I have downloaded a few books onto my kindle to keep me busy. Allen Carrs ‘The easy way to stop gambling’ and ‘Tails I lose’ by Justyn Rees. I think it’s essential that we read about the devastating effects of gambling and remember the lows we can reach with complacency. I finally accept that there are no strategy’s, there is no way to beat the system and any good fortune you may have is purely luck. If gambling was a money making scheme, there wouldn’t be so many bookies/casino’s as it wouldn’t be a lucrative business would it?

I’m now on day 2!

Keep up the good work everyone and if you have read this post you probably need a lie down….. jeez I can go on can’t I?

Chan

Welcome back Chan. .
I'm not going to tell you the dos and donts. ...you know all of that..
But will say...well done for returning here and for facing up to your addiction....keep pushing xx

Cheers for the welcome back Loxxie... hope you're doing okay.

Just wanted to check in and say that day 2 is complete and it's been tough to be honest. I've signed up with that many bloody casino's that I'm being bombarded with emails/texts and even phone calls... they're so desperate to get a grip of my weekly cash deposits. Not this weekend!
Must admit though, it's hard and I can't even click on the unsubscribe button from my phone as K9 won't allow me to click links but that's a good thing. I guess i'll just have to be strong!

I've decided to take selfies of myself everyday from my quit date since everyone was concerned about my wellbeing... I wondered does it show that much in my face? I hadn't noticed.... but boy did I look rough yesterday! No sparkle in my eyes, just nothing! The eyes are the windows to the soul so I'm hoping that everyday they'll brighten a little.
I'm going to start looking after myself now. Thinking about joining a gym to get those endorphins flowing.
Work was good though today, felt focused and productive for the first time in ages.

Here's to day 3 x

Hi chan ...

I was just having a read of a few of the latest diary posts and read yours ..I often just read a lot and very rarely say anything because i've messed up so many times myself that i often feel that i'm in no position to give advice to others...But i felt i had to say something reguarding "R********a" ...that you mentioned a couple of posts back...I've been watching many people stream live on twitch or youtube for a long time now ..believe me you watch him live or some of his videos you will see that hes no different to any of us ..The only difference is to a lot of streamers they get deposit bonuses often 100% bonuses that give them a slight advantage and more spins to maybe hit that big win we all crave... I've watched him do his nut many many times including that £32000 loss on roulette a few months back ...He has hit big many many times and i've often watched him go on a mental winning streak on roulette or slots and then blow it soon after.. ..because as we all know theres only ever one winner....Of course when we watch others hitting these crazy wins it sets the alarm bells ringing in all our heads and we all think its gonna happen for us ...I'm exactly the same .All it brings is misery....But we all know theres only ever going to be one winner....and it ain't us...

Well done on your 2 days ..just take it a day at a time thats what i'm doing..

All the best