I will keep my intro short and sweet. I've posted on various other forums on here so don't want to bore the pants off people. I'm a 42 year old mum with an online addiction to slots, £33k debt and countless relapses. My best run has been approx 130 days, but this time I have more prevention tactics in place; a Stepchange debt plan; a destroyed credit history and am in the bad books with the bank. I simply CANNOT allow myself to gamble EVER again. To make it clear, buying a lottery ticket or a single scratch card doesn't affect my "run" as I only ever buy a ticket or a scratch card about once every 6 weeks (£3 tops). However, if I were to register with another online gambling site, it would start as an innocent £20 dabble and end the night approx £500 in more debt, crying my eyes out, hating myself, getting about 20 minutes sleep before work, being stroppy, quiet, and self-loathing all day.
I'm currently on day 5 of no gambling. I don't have any urges but I have an odd feeling that I cant explain. I feel like a smoker that needs a f*g, and yet I don't WANT to bet, it just feels like the withdrawal from the buzz. The last time this happened (when I managed 120 days +) I used to play the demo version of the game just to feel like I was playing but without losing money. In fact it did me a favour because I lost thousands of imaginary money and reminded myself of how lucky I was that it wasn't real money. It also showed me how rigged the games are, and how a certain pattern emerges in the game. It's like you "peak" after a bonus round, your adrenalin is sky high, you get a false sense of security and then lose the lot because you think you'll get another go at the bonus round and don't think that banking under £200 is worth it !!!! £200 is loads of money in real life, but on that bloody screen it's like peanuts.
SO, I lie here in bed thinking that I may have to invest in a bloody colouring book for adults to keep me distracted before bed (I'm a single mum, give me a break!!) Just before bed was my FAVOURITE time to gamble, but also the most deadly time due to no interruptions. I have waffled on a lot here. By day 300 I will have run out of Xxxx to talk about. SO, onwards and upwards. Here's to day 6 being successful and this diary being a blatantly truthful and useful tool for me. Big pat on the back to everyone who's made it through the day without a bet xxxxxxxxxxx
Hi
Best of luck. Colouring books for adults does seem to be the thing.
As a single mum, i Imagine it's very hard for you to find time, but if you can find some interest to engage with it can help. Maybe reignite something from the past, or do something you've always wanted to do?
Enriching your life - a good antidote to addiction.
Best wishes
Louis
Day 7 has passed. I just calculated that I had racked up over £3,000 more debt this month alone. I banked £400 and chased the losses. Surely THAT in itself is a reason to keep fighting. £3,000 could've paid for my son and I to go to America (his big dream) and yet I wouldn't have contemplated getting into debt for a holiday. That makes me such a selfish person, and yet by nature I'm the least selfish person. GAmbling is such a sick evil illness. One day at a time......
Day 8. I have a day off work.....keeping busy. Happy to see a static bank balance (albeit a very overdrawn bank balance) I have 4 days until payday. So happy that the only people getting the money will be Stepchange and the usual bills. One payment towards getting myself out of this awful mess. They estimate I have 6 years and 9 months until I am debt free, but any spare cash will go towards extra payments. I'm DETERMINED.
hi fluffy cat
just wanted to say hey and well done , one dayo f time to try push our horrible addiction away
im joe i got a 2 year old and one on the way but the gambling still there and struggling , we must try and remember our brain,s trick us into thinking there a big win around da corner but in reality when we wake up after a loss its just the greedy fat cats who own this sites that make money when should be investing into our kids future in a very dodgy , greedy modern world
im here to chat if u want
Hi and welcome, adult colouring books are great for a distraction and a calming effect. I have several and together with the blocks, this site, puzzles, dog walking etc., I'm managing to beat it. Mine was online slots, so easy to loose lots of money really fast but never again. Keep your diary going, it doesn't matter how many times a day as long as it works, best wishes x
Thanks both xx Now on day 9. It should be a doddle today. I'm working a 13 hour night shift so I have to go to bed shortly. To be honest, there's not even a temptation to gamble at the moment which is fantastic. gambling seems totally illogical when you're in the right frame of mind and you kind of think "what the hell was I thinking"..... the problem is that when you're in "the zone" it's like being possessed by some alter ego that tells you that gambling is exciting, and the adrenalin of the bonus rounds is enough to keep you hooked. I used to beg for a bonus round and tell myself that after the bonus round I would definitely bank the money and get out while I could. nThe problem was that
a) I never got out after the bonus round "just I case" there was another one
b) sometimes the bonus round wasn't even that great so I kept playing angrily until I got a better one
c) even if I banked the money, I would go on the next day and lose it all (and more).
I know this is a pretty standard story for most people, but it really helps to get it down on paper just to show myself what a fool I've been. My screensaver is also of £5 and £10 notes being burned, just to show what I might as well have been doing. I have also scratched the 3 security numbers off the back of my new debit card (I told the bank I lost the other one) .
I just never want to be complacent and think that I can have just one bet, because I can't. I'm incapable. I tried it hundreds of times before and it just doesn't work. it's cold turkey or nothing for me.
have a great day all xxxx
Good Luck stay here its a super place to be
Checking in on day 10. Temptation to gamble is the furthest thing from my mind. Nothing really more to add today. The battle continues ........ I CAN DO THIS
Good luck and keep going. tri x
had a slight mini craving to go onto my fave game foxin wins tonight because
1. I had a few glasses of wine
2. I wasn't working tonight
BUT and it is a massive BUT..,,,,,,,,
1) I can't gamble even if I wanted to because my mum has my new debit card security number and
2) instead I played the demo version of the game and lost £1,000 in the space of 5 minutes
just goes to show how rigged these games are, and that if it was my own money, I know that the stakes would only be £5 a spin instead of the £25 - a spin I just played on the demo game, I would still be totally out of pocket and feeling XXXXX tomorrow morning. I don't think I would've actually gambled even if the blocks weren't there, but there was still the temptation due to alcohol and the complacency which it brings. Thank the Lord I have not gambled for real. Onwards and upwards. The struggle continues.....
so technically if I was playing "for real" I would've just lost £4,000. I thank the Lord I was only able to play the demo version just to get the temptation out of my system. Gambling is the devil in disguise.
Day 12 of not gambling. Last night was a real eye opener for me. I realised that alcohol is /was a major fuel for my desire to gamble. My brain was programmed not to care and be reckless after a few drinks. I can't say that I'll never drink wine again because I can't give up EVERYTHING, but I have to work extra hard to fight urges when I DO have a drink. I'm talking social drink here - I'm by no means a "drinker" but I do like the odd glass during the week. I'm so glad that my 3 digit security code is not engraved on my brain like the last one was. If you don't have access to the money then you can't gamble - right. Happy Friday all xx
Hi fluffycat,
Sounds like you are doing well 🙂 Keep up the good work.
Online slots are the worst because you aren't playing with tangible money, at least in the pub or even at the bookies you have to part with real cash (or the very least goto the counter to 'pay') which gives you a reality check. VERY well done on resisting the temptation and good luck with you battle.
I, personally, AM a drinker and find myself drinking more now I'm not gambling. One thing at a time though, a heavy binge will leave you with a hangover, a heavy session on the slots will leave you skint (and probably with a hangover too when you try to forget). Don't test yourself too much, focus on the gambling each day and stay strong.
Phil
Thanks Phil. You're so right about the money not being "real". I would NEVER hand over £200 in hard cash for a bet, and yet when it was online I didn't bat an eyelid. GRRRR I can't wait until I can self exclude using the national self exclusion scheme that they are talking of bringing in. I need to know that I can NEVER gamble again even if I tried.
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