Online slots are the work of the devil.

Thanks fluffycat, I've been to citizens advice and spoke to stepchange and I only have one option left to me and that's to offer a really small amount to each of my creditors each month. I'm just waiting for the new month to change my bank account (because my wages get paid in monthly) then I'm sending my letters out offering my token payments.
Not sure what they'll say but they'll probably pass them on to debt collectors so I'll deal with that the best I can when it happens.
Xx

Hey Fluffycat. Oh yes we are reading 🙂 hope you've had a good weekend.

Great weekend thanks Pander (mostly involving Prosecco and lots of food). Day 22 for me now.... every now and again I think it would be nice just to be able to play with £20 "for fun", but I know that for ME and my addictive personality I can't just play with £20. I want the buzz of a huge win - but like I've said before, even if I win, I don't get out while I'm ahead, and sometimes (mostly) I don't get out at all. It's not about the money for me, but at the same time, no one plays for any reason BUT the money. It's all screwed up !!! The games I used to play would let me win about £1,000 max. My biggest ever sing,e win was £2,000 but that was when I'd only been with the site for a few days. Within a few months they'd probably have £6,000 of my money Plus the money I'd already won.

In reality I'd only be happy with winning a ridiculously large sum of money to clear my debt and put down a deposit for a house. Ironically, before gambling, I had all of this and was in a position to buy a house. I'm now living with my parents and my son. Not the most ideal situation and 42 years of age, and very stressful too. I think the gambling was an escape from real life (albeit a bloody expensive escape.) would've been cheaper to go out for a walk at 2am !!!

At the moment I just feel a little bit "meh" about the whole situation. I will be nearly 50 before I am debt free and it feels like such a waste of my life wishing away the time so that I can start saving for a house and have a clear credit history. I think this is just a bad day (psychologically). I'm normally quite a cheerful, optimistic person but then I get days where I just don't want to get up (today was one of them). I actually got my son ready for school and then went back to bed. Such a waste of my day. The only constructive thing I did was go to Tesco (but bought lardy food to cheer myself up!!).

I need things to look forward to. I think I just need to shut up and stop whinging. I will blame it on my hormones and the weather today. I'm working 2 X 13 hour night shifts tomorrow and the night after so no chance to mope around. I really am taking this ONE DAY AT A TIME, .......today was pants, tomorrow will be better .

I know exactly what you mean, feels like such a "sentence" having to pay our way out of the holes we dug for ourselves, but I see it as somewhat therapeutic, having a painful journey reminds me not to go back but to keep moving forwards ...hope your work shifts have made the days go super quick!!

Hi Fluff, just a quick flyby as I have to go to an appointment now but just wanted to say a quick thanks for your lovely comment. I'll read your diary later and give you the reply you deserve this evening 🙂

Twinks xx

Hi Fluff,

I knew your story was familiar when I had a quick look earlier - I posted the following reply to you a couple of weeks ago but you've started a few different threads since and had a name change! Yes, very similar situation, I'm not going to edit what I wrote because it still stands and I don't think you read it first time round. Have strength my lovely, you can and will get it together again.

Hi IHG, I was in a similar situation to you this time last year, albeit my parents have passed away so thankfully haven't been able to witness my sorry demise. I'm also a single mum, got myself into hideous debt through gambling twice, each time around the £30-40k mark. That's the problem of having a decent job/wages and good credit rating, you can get your hands on more money to blow (but then find yourself having to shop for discounted food because you can't afford to live). I sold my house, paid off the debt then got myself into the same situation again within a year. I've been there. It hurts. It's humiliating, it's ridiculous, it's mind-blowingly stupid but here we are, a site full of usually intelligent people who have all done the same thing. I'm so pleased you went to Step Change, I did the same with Payplan, and it was only then that I was able think with a bit of clarity. No more payday loans (I used to ridicule people who got them, oh how the mighty fall!), no more jumping every time the phone rings, or like you sit on my bed writing out lists of all of my outgoings and wandering which ones I wouldn't pay this month in order to just have another go at trying to win something big in order to pay off my debt. I found one of my working-out pads last week actually, whilst doing a spring clean in my bedroom, it made me feel sick - I tore each page into little pieces.

The good news is, you can do it. You've done exactly the right thing with Stepchange (although your payments seem a little high, make sure you've been realistic in what you have to live on each month). I went for an iva instead of a debt plan, my credit rating was wrecked anyway for the next 6 years to be honest. You've self excluded - tick. The gambling companies are finally getting their act together it looks like and setting up a national self-exclusion service for all online casinos, you only have to exclude once to be excluded from every site - hopefully that will go live soon. I also cancelled my Paypal account and changed my bank account to a debit card that I can't use online, only in shops and at the cashpoint. You've had a reasonable run before, I think mine was about 120 before I relapsed last time, but this time (the final time) I'm now at just over a year, the difference in my life (and my sons life) is extreme. Christmas this year was better than it has been for years - he didn't have a stressed and tearful mum to cope with, he could just get on with being happy (or moody haha!) as all kids should. As you've been on here before, there's no point going over the triangle etc as you already know but trust me, the effort really is worth it. It will be fantastic to have you celebrate your year of being gamble free on New Years Day next year.

Have you thought about why you gambled in the first place?

Twinklyr x

Iv done my brains in tonight at the bingo. I went on rainbow riches and lost about £200 . Yes we all know rainbow riches waiting for the pots to come in of caurse they never do but I was too scared to leave it as I was convinced as soon as I walk away somone would walk on and get them pots straight away

Hi Twink. Thanks for your lovely reply. Yes, I DO remember your comment, but I had a bit of a break for a while and yes I HAVE had a change of name. I thought "ihategambling" was too square and too butch lol. Seems we are living parallel lives. It's nice to know that there are other perfectly rational, intelligent, middle aged(ish) females out there who've been caught up in the same evil world of online slots. I don't mean I'm glad that you got sucked in too (!!) but in the predominantly young male world of gambling addicts, it's nice to have other females who I can totally relate too. Thank god I can't stand sport or I'd be doubly doomed - betting on horses, dogs, cats, and whatever moves!! Anyway, this is a bit of a rambly message sorry. I've just come off a night shift and have another tonight (I'm a nurse) so I should probably get some sleep. I bet (pardon the pun, because I don't bet anymore) that the bloody postman, milkman, or window cleaner knock on the door just as I'm falling asleep. I need a "warning: a Rottweiler lives here" sign to go on the door, cos that's me when I've not had my sleep.

Another day without gambling begins. Another day without sitting on my bed frantically working out how I'm going to make £12 last 3 weeks, or how I'm going to miraculously pay off any of me creditors. My first Stepchange payment went out today. One down, about 4,878,987 to go (lol). We can do this xxx

Hi fluffycat, another rational, intelligent, middle aged- ish slot addicted female here...never played online...been into bingo hall but mainly casino. I think there are quite a lot of us on the forum, sometimes think we ought to have a specific place for women, as I think it is daunting initially to feel you are in a male orientated environment...mind you, you soon realise how many women there on here..

Oh Christine, I know the feeling well. Are you ready to stop gambling? How about starting your own thread if you haven't done so already...you will find people ready to support you.

Hi Rhoda. Nice to hear from you. Yep, you're right, it would be amazing if there was a female-exclusive section of the forum. No offence to the other 50% of the population or anything !! Just getting ready for work. ......Making money, not WASTING money. Yay. Keep positive everyone xxx

I have seen those signs... warning a wrottweiler lives here

Made me laugh and If i ever come across one I will buy it for you

Nothing worse than being sleep deprived and having the door knocked and it is to take in a parcel for next door.

I usually open the bedroom window looking like myra hindleys sister and it seems to have done the trick 🙂

Online slots was my addiction and prior to that arcades.

Well done on your progress x

Just laughed out loud at the Myra Hindley comment. I must try that one!!! No gambling in this household today, just sleeping (post-night shift) I also have about a year's worth of ironing to catch up on, and if really lucky, I can treat myself to tidying my son's room which resembles a scrapyard. Just off to catch some zzzz's.

ps. DAY 25. whoop whoop.

Quarter of the way to the Century Club, whoop whoop indeed! My son is 16 now, they just get messier I'm afraid, the only difference is they want their privacy, so at least I don't have to tidy his room any more. I ask nicely twice, moan a bit, put the Shake n Vac outside his door then shout a lot and that usually does the trick.

Seriously though, you're doing great - I will never forget those days when I had to make a pittance last the month, it feels like you're living in purgatory and even the joyous things in life masked by a haze of worry. Talk to your DMP provider again if you think you'll be living hand to mouth going forward, that's no good for you or your little one - it has to be a realistic payment. I'm not well off by anymeans after my iva payment, but I can live comfortably and have the odd treat.

Twinks x

Hi Fluffycat,

I've been following your diary from the start and am very impressed by your resolve and your progress. Online slots are the worst because there is unlimited availability and no cut off so, in a non-patronising way, well done 🙂

Out of interest, you mention a couple of times, playing games in demo. What site is that on? (obviously you may have to be cryptic so you don't get ****'d!) I haven't played online for a long time but, like you suggest, it might ease the craving (and serve as a constant reminder.how much you can lose!

Keep up the diary and keep up giving up 🙂

Phil