Online slots are the work of the devil.

Hi fluffy cat, add me to the 50 something middle aged (ish) online slot addicted club and Christine if you're reading, you're not the only one to be taken in by that flipping Irish leprechaun!
I'm on day 43, trying to get myself out of the hole but It's two steps forward one step back.
I can't wait for next month, i will hopefully know where I am with finances by then.
Onward and upward, my next 6 years are not going to be like my last. Stay strong x

Thanks both xx means a lot. Phil, I have been going on Chomp. I can't register an account obviously but you can try the demo version of games. I think it's worked because I played (what used to be my favourite game) so many times on demo that I actually hate it now. It's a total con. You can see a pattern emerging too. You win not long after you start playing, but obviously for a gambler, that's not going to give enough of a buzz, so you keep playing. The longer you play, the more you lose.

The best thing I ever did was order a new debit card and hand it over to someone else to scratch the last 3 digits off. Now if I need to buy something online I have to ask my mum to fill in the info for me while I turn away. It's now IMPOSSIBLE for me to gamble. GREAT. Of course, you have to be 100% committed and not be daft enough to order a new card, but at least I can't be tempted after a few glasses of wine like I used to. "Oh, just £50, who cares". o*g what a prat I used to be. Like I've said before, I wouldn't dream of spending that amount of money willy-nilly on myself, so how did I ever justify flittering £50 on a whim?

ANYWAY, Day 26.... let's be 'avin ya . Happy Friday peeps xxx

I've failed. I hate myself right now. I had a stupid mad moment that turned into a 3 day binge. I managed to gamble by using Skrill to deposit (since I had scratched off the 3 digits off my bank card). I've lost over £800 in 3 days and now have an extra £800 debt in payday loans. All of my sensibility and good intentions and determination went out the window. I literally felt as if I was possessed by this mad woman that thought that one more go would be fine. i managed to find a site that I wasn't blocked from. I thought of it as "fun" again. The new non-gambling me knew that this was ridiculous, but the old me came back to haunt me. I know I run the risk of sounding like. deranged maniac, but this is the only way I can describe it. Just as though I have a bipolar disorder where one minute I am up and the next I am down, but just in a different context. With me it's all or nothing. I either do t gamble, or I do it to extreme. I gave myself the green light to gamble, and it turned into 3 day frenzy of surviving on 4 hours sleep a night and MORE debt and loans with crazy interest rates. I am ashamed and devastated. No words can describe how I feel. Now I just have to stop those ridiculous urges to try and win the £800 back. At one point I was £450 Up, but of course that wasn't enough. The cycle goes on. P'd off beyond belief.

my day has been ruined *see previous entry* All of the old feelings of post-gambling misery have returned. 4 payday loans in 3 days to fund this filthy habit. I know that I can't win because I can't stop. i know about the triangle. i just wish that my willpower was greater. if the national self exclusion scheme would just hurry up and start then I could really stop for good. At the moment I have managed to bypass every obstacle that I set for myself. Not even scratching the last 3 digits off my card worked because I found another way to pay. The only thing that ever worked for me years ago was buying Gamblock for my pc but now I have an iPad I can't do that. I don't want to get rid of the iPad either. Gambling has ruined my life. I feel physically sick.

Exclusions & blocking software won't fix what makes you want to gamble but I'm pretty sure I have read that there is blocking software for iPad (it could be NetNanny but GamCare will tell you) though I can't quite understand why you would want to keep something that 'allows' you to self destruct? The question you need to ask is what's more important, your life or an iPad? Nothing can stop us gambling but us & that means doing things we don't want to do. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm kicking you when you're down but you think you have a solution & yet you won't submit to it & that's just crazy.

Hi Fluff,

Sorry to hear you let the madness take over again. You must stop playing the free demo mode games - like I said to Phil, they don't scratch the itch, they open the wound and the wound won't heal if it keeps being picked. I know how desperately bad you are feeling now, I've been there many times as have most on here. You can probably barely raise a smile for your son, so he's the real loser in all this. Come on Fluff, when is enough going to be enough? Make it now. Do you know I have a knot in my stomach right now, because we are in a similar situation as we've discussed before, reading what you've done and how you're feeling brings it all back to me. How are you going to pay the payday loans and your DMP next month? So this s-hitty feeling isn't just for now, it's for the rest of this month and for next month. Enough now Fluff, enough. Go back to StepChange or try Payplan, discuss your circumstances again. An IVA might be better for you to get a realistic on-going payment, one you can live with. Email whoever you signed up with, and self exclude. Ask them if they have any sister companies that you self exclude from the whole lot so if God forbid you forget how attrocious you are feeling now and think about signing up to another site, it may make it a little more difficult for you. Do you want my email address? I'm happy to pass it on to admin so if you are having a mad moment again you could message me? I want to support you. I want you to realise that your lot in life is worth a whole lot more than you think at the moment.

Regarding the bank thing, I think that perhaps it might be a good idea to get yourself a basic account that won't allow you to transfer money online, one that you can only use as a cash card. Have you come clean to your parents about the latest binge? If not, you should, they need to know and maybe even take control of your finance in the short term at least. You're going cold turkey, and you're going it alone when you don't have to. Have you contacted Gamcare about counselling at all?

xx

hi Fluff

try and keep your chin up and your in the right place to kick this filthy habit and be a better and stronger person.dont beat yourself up about it as you will get there in time.its dealing with the set backs that will make us stronger and feel so proud when the habit is finally kicked.one way i deal with each day is to add up all ive lost over the years roughly and divide that total by the number of days to give me a daily loss.i then each day add this to the total and watching this build up gives me the encouragement to kick the urge and each day gamble free is an achievement and to realise i would have lost a certain amount that day when i gambled.

never give up as you CAN do it

Hi there. I haven't read all your posts but what kept you gamble free for 130 days? How are you going to move forward? Best wishes, Phil

Sorry to hear that you're in such a bad place again fluffycat. I hope you can get some software for your Ipad. Those urges can be so so difficult to resist.
Im sure the majority on this site will know how you're feeling at this moment in time.
You've picked yourself up and dusted yourself down before - you can do it again.
Get through these first few difficult days, take them an hour at a time if you have to. Just concentrate on building yourself up again, get those blocks in place and start to put your life back on the right track again.
Sending you a hug and a bucketful of strength.
LML x

gutted to read this Fluffycat, have no words but we all walk the same road but thinking of you xx

How are you doing?

x

Thank you all for your kind words. It means a lot. I think I've linked the gambling with having a "reward" or something to look forward to after a bad day. I don't wish to sound depressing, but right now my job is as bad as it can get (stress wise) I have applied for a new job in another department because this one is draining every ounce of energy that I have. About 10 nurses have left in the past few months because it's become such a stressful, dangerous ward to work on. Secondly, I am in constant conflict with my mum about parenting (I had to move back in with my parents). She believes that I'm too soft on my son and don't discipline him enough (she is actually right), but some days I am so drained I give in to him. EVery day is a battle here. MY son is 12 years old and would live on Minecraft or some other computer game all day if he could, but obviously we have to restrict him. this is his favourite thing to do and it makes him happy, but she can't understand that and he thinks he should be doing more.

I say to her that watching Midsomer Murders and all those programmes makes HER happy, so she should see that he is happy just to chat to friends on Skype or play Minecraft. I have been in this situation for so long now, but don't really have a leg to stand on because I know that my mum is right. In an ideal world we would be in our own home and live by my rules, but of course gambling has screwed up any chance of us getting a home for another 6 years or so. To add to this, my parents are 77 and 80 respectively, so although they are bright as a button mentally, they aren't quite as agile as they used to be, so I feel responsible about trying to keep the house tidy when they are quite chaotic people in terms of mess. If I go to throw something out, they say that they might need it, so I get nowhere. Today I got up late because I worked a 13 hour shift yesterday and my job is crippling me mentally and physically. I felt so "down" when I woke up, because I'd wasted half the day and all I could think of was what a state the house was in, and for the next 3 days straight I would be doing 13 hour shifts so would have no chance of tidying it if it wasn't today. I also have to help my son with his homework which is a battle in itself as he's dyslexic and will avoid doing homework done until the last possible opportunity. The truth is, I just want a day to myself to watch c**P on to and do NOTHING. I am mentally and physically drained from my job, my debts, my housing situation, the fact that I gambled again when I was doing so well, and how I will ever get out of the mess I am in.

I already take antidepressants (which started from a really bad bout of post natal depression). I tried to come off form lots of times, but I was a bit of a mess. I know that I will probably be on them for life and I accept that. I just need to establish whether my current life situation is making me more inclined to be prone to betting purely because I see it as an escape??

So I realised that having the 3 digit code on the back of my card scratched off didn't solve anything because I can still get around it by using Skrill. I also realised that NOT having money wasn't an issue because I went and got some payday loans. I know it has been suggested that I just get rid of my iPad but this really won't help because I still have a phone. I also need my iPad for work and for my sons homework. SO the only thing I guess I have left is betfilter. I tried to block myself from using gambling sites on my iPad before by using a restrictions code, but it didn't block any gambling whatsoever. I have also completely forgotten the code, so can't reset my iPad to factory settings to install betfilter (which will work for iOS). I have found the instructions of how to uninstall everything on my iPad by connecting to another PC, so this is the last hope. This then leaves me with an android phone to block somehow.......

due to my ridiculous gambling the other day, the website I went in says that I can claim £63 in cash back at the end of this week. It can be withdrawn as cash and I don't need to play. This means that I won't have a blocking filter in place until Friday (otherwise I can't get my £63 back) and also leads to the temptation of whether to take the £63 as cash, or play some games with it. £63 is still a lot in the real world, but in the gambling world it's peanuts, and of course we wonder whether we could turn it into £630 instead.

Apolgoes for this long, depressing message, but it helps to get stuff down on 'paper', and can maybe explain my recent humongous blip. I just want to understand why I gamble a bit more, so that I can get to the route of the problem rather than masking it with sticky tape. xxxxx thank you for your previous comments xx Suz X

Hi Fluff, 13 hour shifts are a killer. Living in a parents home is difficult. Living with a prepubescent son in a parent' s home...aaaaggghhh. But gambling is only going to make life more difficult for you. If you think there is a risk of gambling that £63 get a block on now....because if you gamble it will not stop at £63. iPad for work? Is there no way you could manage without it? I am not surprised that you are feeling mentally and physically drained; I have no doubt that gambling is escapism, but at the same time it is damaging your finances, your self esteem, your mental health. There has to be another way.

Hi Fluff, I totally agree with Rhoda....You are under massive pressure in every way possible but.... please don't take offence.... much of your situation is a result of gambling, continuing to do so will only ever make things worse...Online is my poison too so I know how difficult it is to stay away, you have to totally restrict access, if you can't protect your iPad, get rid and buy a cheap android tablet and put blockers on it. Forget about that £63 it's nothing and how sure are you that temptation wouldn't get you....I wouldn't trust myself, I'd rather just say goodbye to it now.

It's not easy....Gambling is a nasty addiction....It destroys lives everyday.

You can move forward, learn about addiction, read the diaries, make it impossible to have access.

Life has so much more to offer.....Gambling offers nothing but Misery.

Take care...

M x

Hi Suz,

If you really can't get rid of your technology I think your only option is to get a cash card only account. You can still have direct debits coming out, you just won't be able to use it to transfer money online so Neteller or whatever is was that you used would be out of bounds, as would any online gambling.

I do empathize, really I do. Your parents are a different generation, so they won't understand kids today. I barely understand my son and feel like a fossil most of the time however have got used to the fact that it's just a way of life now. Kids don't mix with each other as much any more in a real person to person way. I used to hang around on street corners - I'd never let my son do that, we wrap them up in cotton wool then wonder why they never go out! Life as a single mum is hard, it sometimes seems that while the rest of the world get on with living, we are stuck in a cycle of work, cleaning, looking after and cooking - mostly for other people. I get why you gambled, because it's the same reason I did - it's something for you, and that reward feeling is spot on, particularly if you win (before of course you throw the whole lot back again). Technology has a lot to answer for - would we ever have become gambling addicts prior to the internet? No. But it's here and it's not going anywhere. We can't change 'it' so we have to change us. That means a few things, doing the sorts of things we would have done prior to technology. Shopping with cash, going out for entertainment instead of sitting in front of a screen. It also means reaching out for help. I don't know if happily marrieds would understand, but as a single parent we feel such a pressure to 'manage', to show the world that we're ok, that we can get on just fine without anyones help. Sometimes we can't. Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear. Sometimes we need someone to tell us to pull ourselves together, and to remind us that we are doing great. It sounds like you have a really busy life, but it might me an idea to make time to see a counsellor (you know that Gamcare can arrange 6 sessions for free?) Life seems hopeless now, but much as you're in a trough, the peaks will come. They will really. You're focussing on all of the problems in your life and forgetting about all of the positives. You do a wonderful and rewarding job that not many of us could do. You have lovely son who depends on you. You've said before you can pay the bills so long as you don't gamble. You have a roof over your head and are lucky enough to still have both parents in your life who I would imagine love you dearly.

Who knows about your gambling? If you have told someone (and if you haven't, do), give them your login details for that casino, tell them to go in straight away and change the password so you can't have access to in, and then get them to withdraw that money on Friday before closing the account. Whatever you do, don't login again yourself.

Suz, I wish you all the best, we are all here for you. Stop beating yourself up, what's done is done. Let us know how you're getting on in the week.

x