Out in the open

Hi Richard, welcome to your diary 🙂

Sorry to hear about your daughter’s condition & hope she is doing ok now?

No etiquette on here (although the forum police do have undercover agents that go a bit heavy on the asterisks sometimes) so ramble away to your heart's content...As you say, it’s a safe place to be when the urges bite.

I don’t know how much you’ve read outside of the forum but even being around here for a year you will have some idea of what addiction is all about & yes that money is a huge hit but as you say, it could be a small price to pay for your future! The FOBTs bought me to my knees after years of prolonged agony on the smaller stake machines & for that, I am truly grateful now! It’s a shame you didn’t jump on board before you did this latest bit of financial damage, because most people that arrive here don’t want to stop gambling either (I just wanted to stop losing) but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a problem. Yours appears deeply entrenched & it’s little wonder your mother is frugal if she’s had to survive a life surrounded by compulsive gamblers. I’m coming round to the idea that addicts aren’t born, they are created (foetal drug/alcohol dependency aside) although I would have offered to fight to the death rather than accept that when I 1st came here.

Good on you for coming clean, I know how hard that must have been & hopefully your loved ones know that they can access GamCare services or go to GamAnon meetings if they need support. You’ve probably read posts from me so will know that this is well intended...You need to strike while the iron is hot & get your barriers sky high whilst you figure out how you’re going to rewire your mind, you can’t recover on willpower alone.

Time now to figure out how to be the dad you want to be - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT. Means a lot that you have replied, as have read your diary before, and always see how great your support is to others. My daughter is OK now ... all the bones in her skull were fused together when she was born so had to be separated to let the brain grow. All fine at the moment although still a risk that they will fuse again (they aren’t supposed to fuse until late teens). I’m unsure on GamAnon ... seems to be mixed feedback but I might give them a go. I guess I had hoped that having n money and willpower might work (accepting my willpower has never been the best), so I’ll certainly consider other options. Spending more time with the kids, reading bedtime stories etc rather than playing Blackjack while pretending to work will be a good start ... like the idea that the loss could be a small price to pay for more family time so clinging onto that thought ... would have given all my money and possessions for my daughter to still be going strong at 6 when she was born, so need to enjoy every minute.

Thanks again.

Richard

GamAnon is for your loved ones...You will need GA. It does get very bad press (often from people who have never walked through the doors) mithering about it being a religious program (it’s not) but you won’t know until you try it whether it’s for you. I was the same when I 1st came here, determined that because I had all my financial plates still spinning, I’d not quite sold my soul to the devil & could do it “my way” but I was wrong! Stopping gambling was the easy bit...You’ll know from my diary, it’s the recovery I’m struggling with.

That is so sad about your little girl & the uncertainty must be incredibly hard to live with whether you recognise it or not...I wish her the very best in this cruel fight, as I do all of her loved ones, struggling to watch, hoping for the best for her. I was going to say I sometimes think but in my heart, I know my sister’s ill health contributed to my mother’s gambling! She would have given her life to let my sister survive (she did give a kidney) & she would do anything for me, except quit gambling...She hurts me & our relationship is strained but I‘m working on that because it’s out of my control.

I’m guessing you’re experiencing a wealth of emotion right now including the sheer relief of it being open so enjoy the bits you can & try not to let the hard stuff play too heavily on your mind! What a fantastic Christmas present to give your family 🙂

Thank you for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you said especially the part about not wanting to join until you had your loss. This is a very safe place to air your views and feelings. Glad you have a strong support network this is worth its weight in gold... when I first stopped I tried will power and failed repeatedly since I put blocks in place it’s been easier... wish you all the best on your journey.

Thanks both, means a lot to have some support from those who understand. My family have basically said it’s fine so don’t understand why I’m moping .... a row might have made my feel less guilty than this! Not sure why I’m so down ... is it the money or knowing I can’t gamble again?? Will read both your diaries again in search for inspiration. ODAAT ... suspect I might find the recovery harder, as you have. Thanks again for the support. Looking forward to tomorrow... not because it’s Xmas, but because I’ll be able to say i’ve Made it to day 2.

Hi rich thanks for posting on my diary well done for getting to the point of realising that you have a big problem that needs addressed,the early weeks were hard for me not that I wanted to bet but just getting out of the depressing mind state after losing a lot of money,but after 3/4 weeks I was ok and started looking on the bright side of life away from gambling,I've convinced myself that money isn't everything and that I don't need to be a millionaire or well off to enjoy my life,what I've convinced myself of is that it's either gambling or my family,so it's a no brainier for me now if I get any urges I tend to fight them off with the thought of losing those closest to me,it has helped me for sure aswell along with this forum,keep reading people's diaries and get involved in chat as much as you can,I hope you can stop mate,happy xmas to you and your family

Merry Xmas to you and your family too. I’ve always been too focussed on money as my parents never had much ... need to follow your advice that it doesn’t really matter. My mum actually said ‘will be best money you ever spent if it stops you being so stressed and distracted at home’ (and it would take her years to earn what I lost in an hour). Thanks for the ray of light around the fog lifting, still feel shocking and haven’t slept but guess it’s only day 2, so looking forward to a few weeks down the line. Think hard bit will be getting over the regret, rather than actually wanting to do it again ... can’t recoup that kind of money without risking a load more, and have cut off my access to money. Happy Xmas to anyone who reads this.

So day 3 and posting again ...sorry if i’m boring anyone but good to get things off my chest and will be good to look back when hopefully my mood lightens. Useful reading other diaries and realising that I can’t expect to feel better instantly. Started going through ODAAT’s diary again ... I notice in one of her early posts she says she has never tried to work out what she lost. I started going through all my old bank statements and then stopped as realised I was just looking for another way to beat myself up ... does it matter if it’s 50k, 100k, 200k etc?? I feel bad in that in some ways by situation isn’t that grim ... i’ve blown our savings but don’t have a mortgage or debts and I can still save each month. My partner says she isn’t bothered about the money as it doesn’t affect our lifestyle if we have another £40k in the bank, and she just wants me to be a better part of the family. I’m just thinking that we’ll have less money for a rainy day or retirement. What happens if it doesn’t rain and who cares about 30 years from now .. just shows where my head has been. Not even sure if i’ve had a gambling problem .. i’ve had a money problem and gambling has been a way of getting more money that I didn’t actually need as i’m really tight on myself and never buy anything, just try to increase my bank balance ... but why? Anyway, my partner is looking after all the money going forwards. Sorry for anyone who is in a worse financial state as i’m sure my stress seems trivial. So how do I stop beating myself up and get on with life and enjoying all the family time I now have? Will time just heal it? (Read one of the diaries last night , apologies for forgetting which one, where they said 3 years later they were still beating themselves up .. maybe that’s good though as it helps stop a relapse .. winning 40k back would make me feel better, but I know it will never happen and next time I might end up losing the house. Do we convince ourselves it was just inevitable and couldn’t be stopped until we hit rock bottom? How do I stop having the dark thoughts i’m having as Xmas has stopped me doing anything daft as didn’t want the kids to associate Santa with a bad time ... but what happens next week? My partner wants me to go to the GP but don’t want to end up on medication. Anyway, sorry for boring everyone but i’ve found the honest diaries on here really useful, so just trying to put down how I feel. I feel awful and suicidal but not sure why ... I aren’t in a load of debt, my family are supportive ... maybe I am sad at the idea of never betting again but don’t think that’s it. Anyway, hopefully at some point down the line i’ll be able to put down the answers but don’t think it works like that. I do though see examples of people enjoying days without gambling and with the remorse drifting off into the background, so hope to get there in the end.

It's not a money issue. The uncontrolled gambling is an indication of underlying issues which you will need to identify and address. Counselling and attendance at GA are good places to start.

Is your partner aware of the progressive nature of an unaddressed addiction? It would be a good idea for her to do some reading up on what she's up against. At a minimum she really needs to consider cast iron protection for the household finances and ongoing regular monitoring of your credit reports.

Hi Lethe

You’re correct and i’m definitely going to try counselling. I have given my partner all the finances and one thing I have never done is take on any debt. When I did have occasional wins, I paid chunks off my mortgage rather than treat myself. I think though she’s a little bored already with me trying to talk things through .. she basically says i’ve let you off, everyone’s healthy (her dad died young, so she is opposite to me .. spend on living now rather than saving for retirement) so you’re right in that I need some external counselling as not fair to rely on family or people here to talk through my issues over and over again. Thanks for posting.

Realised i’ve been feeling too sorry for myself and boring everyone. One issue is that my bank balances still says £49k ... unfortunately I can see the £48k of pending withdrawals! Will feel better tomorrow when it all goes and I can crack on with slowly saving again. Thankful for the support of my family, for the fact I couldn’t access loans or overdrafts that night, and that gambling hasn’t cost me my home, family or job. So, no more moping and without a gambling free head I can achieve so much more at work and be a better dad and partner. I needed the big shock to stop, better than the gradual loss and gambling stress over years, so onwards and upwards ... no short cuts to getting well off, harder work from now and get a career and a life. Will keep checking in though as nice to count the days and hopefully get some mutual support with others. Love to all. Richard

Forget about the money don't even think about it, from experience it will drag you back in. Enjoy been gamble free and a stress free head. Day at a time

I defo wouldnt take advice from a kids film

You need support that your partner can’t give you...This is not about her ‘letting you off’ or otherwise but you need help to make sense of why you want her to punish you as well as you doing it. It may feel like you should be able to pull up your big boy pants & get on with things but the reality is way harsher than that...Yes, life without gambling will be financially more stable but whether or not you can put your finger on the why @ the moment, there will be one (or many) for how you got here. A good GP probably wouldn’t offer you meds in the 1st instance...Mine had a tear off pad for CBT counselling which may not be a bad start (GamCare also offer a free service). Your partner doesn’t get it but she doesn’t need to because love you or hate you for what you’ve done, she can’t change it so although in an ideal world she’d respond in a different way, it looks like you need to get your mental support elsewhere. Don’t worry about how much you do or don’t write here, if getting it down helps in anyway, write. Time alone doesn’t heal but working on you & learning to forgive & love yourself will make your journey smoother. If you continue to feel low & are not able to speak to your loved ones, please do call the Samaritans on 116123. Addiction is a drug that numbs us to life...Abstaining is to feel again & you are very raw with no obvious outlet for your emotions so do find a meeting, go to your GP, maybe even try & confide in a friend but most importantly, stick around here. Use the helpline, the Netline, the chatrooms...Anything you need to to that helps.

Not sure what I missed in relation to the kids film but I would take advice from anywhere if it is sound & supported & actually most kids films are pretty straightforward & keeping things simple really does make life more manageable!

Take care & hopefully hear from you soon - Kelly