Hi all,
I posted on Monday in the introduction forums. Had a bad weekend last weekend but this week have been gamble free and have felt sick at the thought of it. I know that my bad weekend memories will go away soon and that the danger will start then but I have spent the week reading the excellent diaries that people have put up. They are fantastic and make me feel that I am not alone.
I'm at work now, determined to make sure that this weekend doesn't turn out like the last.
Last Friday I was sat here in the same place, at my desk feeling pretty happy with myself. I had just paid 3000 quid off my debts and had a good feeling: there was a light at the end of the tunnel! I had calculated that I could pay all debts off by June.
My girlfriend who I live with had just gone away for the week and I had the place to myself. I would have a couple of beers with some mates, head home and maybe play a bit of Fifa on x-box. I had the beers, got home around 10, played Fifa but then, bang, went on the kind of up and down rollercoaster that only you other addicts know about. At 7am, the scene was different: I had drunk three quarters of a bottle of vodka and lost 5000 quid on the online slots, and I had maxed out my credit cards and drained my account.
The feeling after that was utter hopelessness. For some background, I have been a gambler on and off (but mostly off) since I was a young lad. I always liked the horses, but never put big amounts on. Then I graduated to poker and somehow the slots. I used to counsel problem gamblers even when I was younger as I have a psychology degree. I always felt in control until the past few years that saw me under a lot of stress with an old girlfriend who was mentally ill. I turned to gambling much more when I was with her and even now, when I am not with her, I am liable to gamble when I am feeling low.
The despair I felt when I woke up on Saturday morning was so extreme that I admit, I thought seriously about ending it all. The back-and-forth debt I have been in that I have kept to myself has been a constant these past 3 years and the stress just felt too much. I also felt like I was letting everyone down.
This week, I have taken one day at a time and concentrated on going to work and trying to enjoy it. Needless to say it has been tough but I have been reading these fantastic diaries and felt that I am not alone anymore. I am determined to beat it and am now 5 days gambling free. I have confronted my financial issues and realised that, it isn't ever anything to lose your life over. It is a set-back that I will recover from - maybe it will add a couple of months onto my plan but what is a couple of months?
First things first. I have put blocking software on the computer and have no money so gambling is impossible tonight. My girlfriend comes back on Sunday. This should help but never again will I use excuses like ,"my girlfriend was away" or "I was feeling sad/lonely" to justify gambling anymore. It simply has to stop.
I will not be back at my desk Monday morning having lost money, or even gambled, ever again.
Hi tj
you have made a great step starting a diary on here. It is a place you can be totally selfish and pour all of your feelings out.
I too have a Psych degree, and somehow gave myself the role of looking after everyone. Hmm. Now this was blatantly a low self esteem thing - if I help everyone, I can prove I am a good person etc.
The thing with that is, people get used to taking from you. If you are not careful, you end up overwhelmed, and no one tends to realise that sometimes you need help too.
Try not to fall into the 'i should know better, i did this for a living' thing, because its all bull. You are just as vulnerable to addiction as the next guy.
Good luck, and take care
f x
Great work on the barriers you put in place. Could you talk to your girlfriend about what is going on?
Hi Freda,
Thanks for your reply! It feels good to start the diary.
I hear you about the psych thing: I have been in a situation the past 3 years when I tried to rescue someone and help them, unfortunately putting myself last. Of course the escapism through gambling really kicked in then and before I knew it, the debt escalated to where it is now. The good news is that after last weekend I think that I finally connected all of the dots and that I know why I am gambling. I'm just glad this happened before it was too late.
With my girlfriend, well, she knows I am in debt, just not that it is gambling related. I am very up front with her about the figures involved but we just found out that she is pregnant and I don't want to worry her. I think that it may be too difficult at this stage to bring it up as I am really determined to come in here regularly and post and not be tempted anymore.
Most importantly, I don't want to feel overwhelmed so am trying to go a bit easy on myself this week and realise that I can pay debts off before too long if I really stick to things. As I finally accept that I am addicted to gambling and have looked at why I gamble I believe I can do it with the help of a diary like this.
Thanks again.
Hello Teejay
Thanks for your kind words on my diary..
Its been a rollercoaster of a ride and i'm hanging on for dear life but i am slowly making progress..
Congratulations to you and your partner on her expecting ..Thats got to give you even more determination to kick this from your life once and for all and get back on track..
You will do it i'm sure of that..
Gambling for me too was my escape from it all..Sometimes though it just didn't seem real..
I would drink to forget, then gamble even more and on and on it went, until it was way out of control..
Take things a day at a time, nice and slowly
and you will beat this..
Have a great weekend
Remember last weekend has passed.Its done..
This ones going to be different..
All the very best
Thanks for the post Londonbloke. Good advice, will be keeping an eye on your diary and looking forward to following your improvement.
About to head to bed. Amazing the difference a week makes. This time last week I was about to go on what I hope was my last ever gambling binge. This week I am on the computer but reading diaries and about to turn in for a hard earned sleep after a busy week.
I was walking home from the supermarket before with dinner. I was whistling to myself and thought to myself, "what is that song?" After about 10 minutes of wracking my brain I realised it was the song from my "favourite" slot machine..... amazing how those things get in your head, even if you put all the blocks on your computer, self-exclusion etc. Whistling that song without realising it made me understand that you need to be most careful about putting blocks on our brain because we are all battling against a very powerful and manipulative foe in gambling addiction and the machines that aid it.
Sleep well all.
Hi TeeJay,
Well done for making it on here, its a step in the right direction. Just as putting the blocking software on is. Hopefully it gives you some room to breathe knowing you have blocked yourself physically if not mentally yet.
Sounds like you have a lot going for you and congratulations on the baby I'm sure when your bundle of joy arrives baby will give you even less time to think about gambling no more slot songs in your head just lots of smiles and gugrling lol
Positive thoughts and good wishes for you x
Thanks for the message xjustmyluckx.
Got through the day well. Had a lazy day really, will be last day by myself for awhile so made the most of it by indulging my other passion, football, watching a load of games. Thank god I've never gambled on football. The funny thing is I've never even considered gambling on football even for a second. Weird isn't it? Think it's because I always played it and watched it from a young age, never associated it with betting.
Only had slight thought about gambling today, that devil on my shoulder whispering to me that I should use my free day all alone to win big. I quickly told that voice that winning is impossible for me as even if I did I would pour it all back into the machine anyway. Was quite proud of myself.
Girlfriend back tomorrow. Will get some sleep in now as have to clean in the morning.
Day 6 gamble free done.
Hi Teejay,
Makes sense not to tell your girlfriend at the moment in light of her pregnancy. Often people like to tell their partners when they have say, a month of abstinence under their belts and have taken a lot of steps that they can show their partner. It is a lot less scary to hear "I have a gambling problem, but I have been abstintent for over a month now, have blocking software, have been getting advice and support from gamcare, and have been to a GA meeting" rather than "I have a gambling problem - I just blew a grand an hour ago!!!!" The first example can evidence that you are in recovery, and have been working at it.
So, you are going to be a father! congratulations : ) how do you feel about it? I ask this, because it can bring with it a whole load of emotions - and here is the place you can share them without fear of being judged.
Sounds like you have had a great start this week and you should be proud of the steps you have taken.
take care,
f x
hi teejay just want to let you know that i will be reading your diary and sending support as i too have a addiction to online slots so will be interesting to see how other people deal with it . i was stupid tonite and went on played and of course lost but that will be the last time and tomorrow will be day 1 of my recovery ! btw congrats on soon to be daddy : )
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