Quitting

You've set up a perfect scenario where you just stay in limbo/purgatory for the rest of your life as "there are no answers". Flip it around Paul... say your son is a compulsive gambler... what do you suggest he do? Do you tell him it's all over or give up? Do you tell him he doesn't eventually have to answer the bell or do you tell him to start putting one foot in front of the other and move forward?

Cathyx

Convincing yourself that there's nothing to be done, that it's all hopeless, is a form of rationalising and justifying the gambling. If there's nothing to be done, then there's no point in trying, might as well gamble, actually gambling is just fine, there are no alternatives.

All this based on a total fallacy.

What is the difference between you, and and as one example, Duncan? You're both men, both with an addiction, what's he got that you haven't that makes recovery possible? "All" he has is the willingness to seek recovery and the determination to keep going with it. That's the only vital ingredient.

Now what could possibly be more simple?

CW

Tell her!!!!

Morning diary, not sure where posting on here, and attending live chat is taking me, I feel very low, sad and and unsure of the future, the posts I get back on the main are positive, yet I feel some members are a bit fed up of my whining and in-ability to make a decision about telling my long-term partner where I am at. If I tell and confess, my life I am sure will change irrevocably for the future, I liked my life as it was. So I am taking a break from here, I will deal with the issues myself and with my counsellor, and on net-line who I might add are extremely supportive. - Paul

Morning Paul , I've always felt as though I've been straight with you so here goes .

Your doing what you always do , ask peoples opinion as to what you should do , you acknowledge the reply's then decide you don't like the answers nor having to deal with telling the truth to your partner which in most people's opinion is what's holding you back , you then run off to deal with " your issues " in another way , which in my opinion is just a cop out that allows your gambling mind to change absolutely nothing .

People aren't fed up with your whining as you put it but maybe patience is just wearing a bit thin because you do nothing to change the situation . I know you don't want to do what you have to and that by doing so you risk losing your partner , weve all been there and it's not nice because we never know what the outcome will be but the fact is your living a lie, a fantasy life built on deception and created by you to allow yourself to continue gambling safe in the knowledge that the woman you claim to love will never find out , if thats what you want for however long you can keep up the pretence then go ahead knock yourself out and enjoy , however if you ever truly want to give up gambling( which at the moment I'm doubting ) then you have just one choice and that's to be honest and accept the consequenses good or bad , I was fortunate that my family and partner forgave me , my good friend Martin ( Oldham ) was not , yet he still maintains it was the right decision because it allowed him to stop living a lie and move on .

If you carry on as you are then fine , you just live your life as you want but at some point in the future it will find you out and bite you in the @r*e big style , truth is like us all as gamblers your selfish ,It's Me, Me, Me , Oh poor me look at what I'm going to lose, I know Paul because I've been you , your upset at the thought of your life changing and you not being able to carry on as you are with everyone around you that you claim to love blissfully unaware of your dirty little secret , maybe time to stop thinking of you Paul and think of those you claim to love ? .

Hi Paul, you're doing it tough and going through personal hell by the sound of things, but just remember... most people on here have been through the same, just the sums are different. Just numbers on a piece of paper, and now a screen. Why do we want the numbers on a screen to increase at such a monumental personal cost? Because we have a mental illness, a compulsion, a lack of control in this area of our lives. Sometimes I stop and feel sorry for myself, think about the money gone. I know now though that the lack of control I have is a choice... 50/50, yes or no. What will keep you from saying yes, what will make you say NO everytime you have a compulsion? For me it's a final realisation that I do have a choice. With a physical illness, there is no choice. I see cancer sufferers everyday at work and realise I'm the luckiest man on the planet just to have a choice that doesn't involve an unforgiving debilitating treatment. When we gamble we can't even see for one second the world infront of us, the simplest things in life that used to make us so happy, the memories our self pity tells us we can no longer create. Imagine a dementia sufferer who has no choice, their conciousness is involuntarily robbed.

You can do this Paul, telling your loved ones will be hard, but there are harder things in life. Think how many people on here, myself included, have had to risk everything and tell the ones they loved. It was the best thing I ever did and probably saved my life. You can do it Paul, if you (or any of us) are lucky to have 30 years left... that's a heck of a long time, and surely worth fighting for. Sorry to be blunt and insensitive but it sounds like you need it, take the plunge, don't look back, make a choice, at least you have it. One day at a time (one minute at a time seems so hard at times!), 28 days is a real achievement!

Really hope you manage to find a way, good luck, you CAN do it. j

Paul
Taking a break from here....or wherever...
It wont make your problems go away love
Your the only one who can do that..
Your old life will never come back...
The money will never come back..
Give that lady who you love soooo much a chance to decide for herself what she wants in the future....it's her choice not yours...
You don't know what she'll choose....none of us do...
Who are we...as compulsive gamblers to think we have the right to withhold such secrets from are loved ones ?
If your lady was leading such a double life....how would you feel ?
The one think I've learnt along my journey ....
If I am doing something that has a detrimental effect on those around me ....then that's wrong...just wrong...
Took me a while to see it like that...but that's how it is for me..
Running away is never the answer...turn around and face it..
Sorry if all this sounds like I'm having a birch....I'm not...I'm just being open and honest !
That's what recovery brings you..
I wish you well Paul..
And soooo hope you can get to a better place...good luck

Paul , were all selfish in addiction and it's something that I've looked back on more and more this last year and that's why I understand the way my mind would have worked in your situation , all I can say regarding future events is that we never know quite how things will pan out and I understand your reluctance to tell her , however you have to accept what will be will be and if she's the lady you believe her to be and you both feel that you can still build on your relationship then that's what will happen , being in your 50's is not the end of the world Paul , I began my relationship just before I was 50 after a really messy divorce and at that time I thought everything was over but I'm in a far happier place now than ever , life continually changes and unfolds before us and whatever happens life will continue to improve for you too , you just find that impossible to visualise at the moment and understandably so , I hope things work out for you Paul I really do , don't expect everything to be sorted in an instant as it's all going to take time and understanding but I'm wishing you well Paul and all the best buddy .

AL

Hello diary, no gambling, no changes in my life, my past secret gambling life remains hidden, will I blow everyone's world apart and let them know I am riddled and weak with addication - not yet - off to Aldi with £10.00 for a week's shop, how I have fallen. Stay safe Paul. stay safe.

Yawn! Same posts as always this could've been typed yesterday could've been typed months ago. I'm going to stop reading or posting here. You are still wallowing in self pity and getting the attention you crave so badly. Fact is your a selfish man who claims to love his partner but doesn't really otherwise you'd stop leading her on and just be honest and tell her and then you can move forward either as a couple or an individual!!!! Tell her for gods sake and let her be the judge of whether she wants to stay or go! But we all no what poor Paul will say after a bit of criticism oh I'm off I'm upsetting people I'll just talk to the netline counsellors etc etc nothing changes,NOTHING! The sheer amount of people that have commented on here and taking the time to try and help but yet here we are still typing the same old self pitying poor me I'll lose her stuff. Grow a set accept what you've done and make today the first day of the rest of your life I've had enough of tippy toeing around it because we're all addicts we put an arm around each other and mustn't upset anyone! Rubbish! Your a grown man accept responsibility for what you've done and stop being incredibly selfish and tell your missus! I don't care what you think of me and I don't care if you report me I'm fed up with the constant depressing repetitive drivel. I'm out!

Sooner or later Paul every addict has to sit down to a banquet of consequences. You can choose to attend it on your terms, prepared & with a plan of what you are willing to do to make amends. Or you can wait to have your attendence forced upon you.

I know which one is less painful for all concerned at the party.

Hi Paul, how are you getting on? I hope you haven't fallen victim to the fobt's

Thanks for the hug. I appreciate both it and the post on my diary. I just read yours and first up ( ) you deserve it for being here. You probably also deserve a kick up the behind but I don't know what combination of punctuation marks denotes that so you are safe on this occasion.

I am not going to tell you to tell your other half. In my circumstances I really can't. I can however see a difference between our situations. I genuinely believe that, if I stop gambling, I can preserve mine and my husband's way of life. From what you say in your diary you can't do that. Your choice seems to be between telling her and letting her work it out for herself. The consensus in posts I have read is that the most hurt comes from discovering the deception and being lied to.

I hope you come up with a solution and are managing to move forward. Stop by my diary anytime. Px

Hi Paul , saw your post on the new members page and just wondered how your doing ? .

Anything changed ref telling your OH ?

And how your feeling in general regards the future ? .

Sound';s like I'm prying Paul but just interested to see if your ok as it's been awhile since your last update .

Talk to you soon buddy :))

All the best Alan