Quitting

What can I post, firstly I don't feel I have a right to post a thread on here. I recieved so much advice and also support, yet .................................... you know what happened. To-day as usual after a lapse, you feel terrible, which is doubly compounded by the size of the loss. I'm not looking for sympathy, I knew what I was doing - just trying to get funds for a few extras in life, and as usual it got out of control. I think i am going to have to let my partner go, the deception is wrong so wrong, but I love her, but I did not love her enough to quit before it got out of hand. Self-loathing is right at the top of my feelings, - sorry to everyone who gave their time to post on here for me - I have let us all down.

Hi mate,

Of course you can post on here. Been a while since I've posted on here. I battle everyday and in a better place at the moment. But as we all know we are only one bet away. I won't give you advice etc as you know the score, I thought something was up as you haven't posted again. I think you have to forget the money this is about your basic life now and relationships. You have to decide you cannot ever bet again. This is the place to share and I really feel for you mate. Just try not to beat yourself up. Start again..........

As the dust settles on another gambling binge and with it the re-alisation that all the superhuman effort i have given to repair my finances and also my mind has all been for nothing so far. I go alone to an empty bed approaching 60 with a lifetime's savings given to the devil men, unfulfiiled, heart racing, worried, broke and very depressed, will i survive to 70? who knows, but if not, my headstone should read 'lost my life to the devil fotb'.

Goodnight world.

As the dust settles on another gambling binge and with it the re-alisation that all the superhuman effort i have given to repair my finances and my mind has all been for nothing so far. I go alone to an empty bed approaching 60 with a lifetime's savings given to the devil men, unfulfiiled, broke and very depressed, will i survive to 70 who knows, but if not, my headstone should read 'lost my life to the fotb' goodnight world.

-

With reference to Gary's opinion on whether to let go or stay with my gf, I would like other people's opinions on this. Currently my thought process is very scattered, and I don't want to do anything that will jeopardise the rest of our lives (that's a bit rich having blown a fortune on gambling). We found each other 10 years ago, and it's been really good since then, she turned my life around (I wasn't gambling then), we don't live together and are completely financially independent. However what I have done with my monies I feel will impact on our retirement together, I feel I will hold her back on any property deals and travelling as I no longer have the funds to do that. She was aware of my level of savings before my latest disaster, so going forward I would be lying about my financial situation should we discuss it. I feel so bad about hurting her if I tell her about the latest gambling episode it won't be me ending the relationship she will defo end it. So much pain from gambling, it was never meant to be like this life.

Hello Paul,

I didn't know whether to respond or not. Your dilemma whether to tell your gf or not, bought back memories of my now ex. With ' ex ' being the optimum word. So , with my self, I kidded myself that I was protecting her but in truth I was a coward. So rather than fight I took the flight. In hindsight, this was more damaging for my ex, as she started looking and blaming herself for the reason why I was pushing her away. You always read on here that addiction feeds on deception. So, very true

So my humble is, for both yours and hers sake is to be honest. Your beating yourself up for the money you've lost and for deceiving your gf

Fight or flight Paul...Your choice! You don't need me here picking @ scabs but comforting arms don't build bridges! No point second guessing your girlfriend...If you really do care about her, you should @ least do her the courtesy of letting her chose her own mind which is undoubtedly more stable than yours @ the minute! This isn't the 1st time you have hit 'rock bottom' & it won't be the last unless you draw a line under that bloody money & accept that it is your mind that needs help! One minute you have blocks in place & are having therapy, the next you've done 'the lot' again...You can't keep trying the same things & expecting the outcome to be different 🙁

The life savings are gone, again, you had them back @ one point, gambled them, then you worked hard to rebuild your finances, gambled them...No amount of money will 'fix' whatever it is that is causing you this pain.

It's so hard to read about people relapsing but unless things are very different to what they were you are still in what could be considered to be an enviable position financially. Yes, the savings have gone, no you can't sail off into the sunset on a private yacht or fly yourself round the world but you still have you! You may not like you very much @ the moment but you need to figure out how to accept you whilst you work on the rest because no amount of money can fix a broken heart. Do something different this time! Let your loved ones in...Don't kid yourself that you are protecting them because that's just addiction leaving you a door open!

No-one can do this for you but getting it out in the open means you can accept the help that is on offer rather than trying to fight the devil alone. Choose fight - ODAAT

Breathe Paul, that's all you need to do! Deep breaths, in for 6, out for 8 (I think it is)...May be worth asking Dr Google for some relaxation techniques to try & slow your whirring brain!

You won't make sense of the madness in one day, there's a lifetime of unravelling to do & @ the end of the day it is your money & not money that you now have to figure out how to pay back! The inheritance you planned to give your son may be gone but with your knowledge you can provide him financial security in another way, a way that is far more rewarding than a big lump sum & no dad!

Letting go of addiction is scary but all it has done is cause you pain & you can get through this fog - ODAAT

O.K. this is my last post for tonight, I know i will not sleep, so if it's a long one ................ i want to thank anyone who has read my posts over the last two days, and especially anyone who has posted to me. I know in my own mind I have treated the advice given to me on here before with disdain. That I apologise for. I know now eventually I need to move from misery to embrace a recovery situation, how I get there I am not sure. The damage I have done to myself I do not know if that is mentally recoverable. Because of the relationship I have with money, (fear of having none) I at this time do not know whether I can ever forgive myself for committing these gambling wrongs. I know in my heart, that if my sister or son had owned up to what I had done I would be furious with them (because no knowledge of this issue as any issue breeds ignorance). So the secretivity of the illness will have to continue. i know I sound a lot like self-pitying, well that is true, when you have worked all your life from 15-59, you want something to show for it, well i had it, and i lost it (twice) so it f....n hurts. Going forward my issue is will my savings give me a second hand car/ a new boiler, a second hand settee, maybe but more digging into my savings. I'm tired now and throughouly fed up of gambling. Going to bed not to sleep. good night all

The hurt is really there for me now, the funds have left the bank account finally, only 2 hours sleep, sweat pouring off me from 2 a.m. will i go to work? i have to, tomorrow is the start of a long week-end with partner, i don't think i can do the week-end. What's really the issue, is the damage i am going to do to her, when i have to own up to the gambling mess i have created again. I don't care about me or my money, what really hurts is what i will do to her feelings and life. never felt this bad before in my life, this is the only place i have to put down my feelings.

..the secrecy must continue.... you would be furious if vice versa.....

sounds like you're making excuses to keep gambling and to protect your ego. Cloaking the excuses somewhat

Every time you come back, you're given the same advice. I can't see another way out but telling her. Any other option will be a path of suffering

Louis

Hi Paul I think Louis may be right but as I said b4 don't be too hasty. I think there has to be consequences to what you have done. You cannot and are not strong enough to cycle through anymore gambling. The pattern has to stop now. Been there with all the night sweats, not sleeping it's horrible. What are you going to tell your partner if it happens this weekend?? You should be looking forward to it not dreading it. This may be too personal but can I ask why you only see her on weekends? You've been together a while now......

hi gary, i'm not sure i can tell her this weekend, or even ever, i think i would rather struggle with little money, than give her (and me) untold unhappiness. I just can't do it. i know some on here will think and say you are a weak cruel and deceptive man, so be that for now, until i am stronger to deal with the consequences of losing her. We are apart due to job's and the need to look after aging parents. You are a top guy for supporting me, i won't be around till monday night unless the pain has to come out.

also the reasons i am not telling her are nothing to do with keeping on gambling. I have been only gambling in the last twelve months for little extras what i did monday night was the end, IT IS MY ROCK BOTTOM, i cannot do debt, i am too frightened and too weak to deal with that. I guess I love her and want her, I just can't man up to be honest, sorry cynical wife