Quitting

True many of us haven't lost our partners and are grateful of that fact , the point is that in order not to keep living our lies we made the decision to own up and take the consequences good or bad , I'd rather be living on foundations of rock than pillars of salt , I'm not having a go Paul and as always it's your decision but your running around in circles asking everyone for answers to your dilemma but your not prepared to do any of the work to put it right , sorry mate just sayin !

Hello Paul,

I tend to follow rather than post to you. Your thread is to close to my grain.

Myself and my ex went through 2 life changing moments, 1 of them was me losing a arm and correar. It knitted us together and we viewed each other as true soul mates. Together, we were one, each being honest and sharing our vulnerabilities. Fast forward a few years and after being fortunate in the housing market. Half went to her native country NZ and the other half stayed over here. As she started building our life in NZ, I was busy ' investing ' in our future back here. What she didn't realise was my ' investing ' was being eaten up by the FOBT. Now, when I appeared ( ran away ) in NZ, I was a shell of the soul mate she knew. Rather than have the balls to tell her, I pushed and I pushed, driving a wedge between myself and my best friend and love of my life. Rather than look at me as the reason, she started looking at her self and I witnessed her shining light distinguish.

Eventually after 3 years of pushing, she came to her senses and with support of her family got back on her feet and started rebuilding her life.

Like yourself, I thought it was the stupidity of losing the money we had spent years in accumulating and pretty much living in poverty of part of it. But, it wasn't the lost money that ate away at me, it was the deceit to my soul mate. Pretty f****d really, when I think about it.

My point here is, you'll only ever start the recovery journey when you show some honesty to your gf and family. I know full well this is daunting, but honesty in a relationship has to be at the fore front to be able to move on.

I didn't do it, I was a coward and ran away.

Hence my humble is, either follow the common theme of being honest or let the deception of gambling destroy more than one life.

I know with in my self that if I was honest, yes, she may have kicked me in to touch but the likelihood would be that we would still be together. .

Addiction robs us of our values, it's goes against our human grain.

A ramble

I want to thank every one of you for your input, it is amazing support and everyone of you deserve many heartfelt thanks ,because you are sufferers too in many different ways and need support. I get what you are all saying especially the totally honesty of a proper relationship. I know this deceipt is eating me now, therefore i guess it will eat more forever, if i don't come clean. We are going on a break next week, in the UK, a break i really cannot afford right now, my mindset now is thinking take the break together and tell her at the end what has gone on. She is looking so much forward to the break, I want her to have happiness for a while longer. I hate what this addication has done to me. I will try to make chat tonight.

Dude you're making it sound like your going to have her put down at the vet's lol. Know one here is giving you the advice on a assumption. It's proven once the lies are out in the open then you can start to rebuild your shattered life. I've been here 10 month's now and I've seen the same advice work for people over and over. There all big hitters now
One thing they all say is they can't believe they didn't do it sooner.
It's 50/50 and that is by far the best odds you will ever play against. Mate if she's been there for 9 year's and travelling long distances to be with you she obviously loves you a lot.
Love always finds a way to fix things even when the going is tough
That's soppy for me aswell

Samson wrote:

Cynical Wife - I know you have experience of living with a CG and some of your posts are quite insightful. However sometimes, I feel you need to tone down your comments a bit - a lady mentioned this a few days ago. You can be constructive without sounding too harsh. People come to the forum for support; they don't need to feel worse for coming here.

Superb input there Samson. Please define support?

Sorry for high jack Paul. I truly do wish you well and some peace

Alan i know you are not having a go, you are a very positive guy, that works for you, one of my major reasons for my negativity is the large amounts i have lost, i spent 15 months gettting my funds back to a level where i could relax ( buy a meal out/ a pair of jeans from matalan) I was content by accessing by pension pot and not gambling, i was sleeping, the reason i am so distraught i guess is the sheer numbers of the money i lost in one night - 10 years savings for me, that will never rest easy. You all say let it go, if it were £500 or even £2000 I could let it go, but i lost it two weeks ago, for the third time in seven years i blew away a five figure sum, and it was all down to chasing. It's not easy to accept.

It never is easy Paul and I understand that but in all honesty what else can you do , if you don't start accepting the loss it's going to leave you with the choice of carrying on gambling in the clinging hope of your going to solve all your problems or living in turmoil , your beating yourself up constantly when you just need to make one decision which way to go , you may not think it can be any worse than what you e lost now but believe me it can and will end up much worse if you don't get your head around it , the money's gone Paul accept it , move on or carry on beating yourself up , or maybe it's going to be the next step of losing even more and ending living on a park bench stinking of your own pi55 ? I know your so gutted and I truly feel your pain and cries for help , people are all saying the same thing and that thing comes from knowing what works , Acceptance and Honesty .

Ps Ten years savings gone on 2 weeks , if it had taken you six months or a year to lose , would that have made it easier to deal with , it was always gonna go Paul your a CG just like me , it was all about when not if !

Acceptance al, of a life time's work gone, yeah i can go there, i have no choice, i won't gamble again, the level i am at scares the s..t outta me, so yeah the gambling is over, so the dopamine fixes are gone, in 30/60/90 days i will have another happy fix, walking. golf, a good book, but never seeing my soul mate again, not sure i can take that mentally yet.

this site should all be about support. most people on here are very vunerable, they are aware of what they have done in the main, they do not need advice presented in a harsh manner, as if scolding a small child

Your still guessing as to if you'll see your soulmate again ?

Paul, it's the addiction telling you not to let the losses go. If you do let them go, there's less reason to gamble. And you have the compulsion to gamble, the more reason (however perverse) the better.

Ditto keeping quiet. Gambling thrives on secrecy, if you blow it open, you're more accountable. So of course the addict thinking encourages you to keep mum. Even if it does eat you up, it promotes the gambling.

You've said elsewhere my posts hurt you. Let's not discuss self pity or such like but it's not me: you are hurting yourself. Can't stop you but it's not what the people who post to you want to see.

Rethink strategy?

CW

Its the recovery process i am working towards CW, i won't be gambling again, that doesn't mean i am happy about the losses and can let them go. yes sometimes i feel your posts are harsh, but then other times i deserve them, in fact i deserve to be locked up for the money i have given to the gambling companies. i also appreciate that you take the time to post, it shows you care about gambling and its effects on others. I keep getting told let go, come out come clean, it's a dirty business gambling and i think the only people who truly understand it are the people on here. i don't have a stategy to recover, it's too raw yet the loss, the ability to keep posting on here with people who have suffered and also have suffered at the hands of a cg, is the only way i can move forward at moment.

Lost my life wrote:

Hi Diary, and fellow gamcare readers and posters, have been reading a lot on here and thinking a lot about gambling, and the after effects. It is certain that you have to reach rock bottom with your finances before you will stop - the fear factor has to kick in, whatever level that is. I know i have reached that, thank goodness, it's taken so long to re-alise that you can't win with this addication. If you are posting on here and you are not a relative of a cg, you have a problem. The fellow sufferer's on here like Day@Time, Oldham, Alan etc have got the disease sorted, they know how to control it, listen to them their posts are invaluable. For me I am learning, how not to gamble, I am in the early stages or recovery, I can't wait for the nagging unhappiness to leave its place behind my eyes. Enjoy your week-end, everyone

Paul, if you had any intention of replacing those worn out carpets or an old car when you got your finances back in order after this particular post (there are many similar ones to chose from) you would have done so! If you want to gamble with what's left of your finances that's your choice but no-one on here is going to suggest that's a good idea. Maybe have a read of dizzy's latest dilemma, or the friends & family trying to figure out how to pay for school uniforms. Your pity party is getting you no-where & it's great that you are taking all the harsh advice on the chin because it is well intended but none of us can fix this for you. Bringing back the money won't fix what's wrong inside your mind. If you don't stop making excuses why you can't move forwards your depleted funds will become loans & there'll be thousands more reasons not to get help! I know you are lost, torn between needing a slap & a cuddle, (the amount of activity on your diary is testament to how much people care) but ultimately nothing people say will make you act, you have to do that for you!

Don't let our support fall on deaf ears, don't throw away anymore of your life!

i don't get it ODAAT, i am not going to gamble again. i am just looking for answers as to why i gambled and where i am going from here, i know my mind is a mess, but 15 days after what i lost it's not going to be singing hurrah from the rooftops !! lets forget the money you lost, maybe in 180 days !