Quitting

Morning diary, crawled to work this morning, unshaven, woke at 5, with that awful feeling oh what have i done to my life, waking at five every morning at moment with terrible anxiety issues, continually worrying about any un-expected bills (repairs to house - not even replaced a £3 security light because i don't want to spend any money), will have to spend tonight, been eating fish fingers every night this week and the fridge is empty. Supposed to be away with the other half next-week, not sure i can go through with it. Typing this at my works computer, stomach churning over like never before, constant ingestion.

Is this the way it's gonna be forever?

Morning Paul,you say your at work so at least there's a wage coming in. Is there a possibility you could work past your retirement age? I work with a guy who is 72! (Not the ideal scenario I know but just a thought) another guy is working on as he put his children through uni. There's always a solution. Reassess,adapt move on. Good luck

Morning Paul, if the debts and the finances are that bad is there no way you can start a debt management programme? I feel like the stress of the debts is what is making you continuously relapse and if you got that sorted you may have a fighting chance at quitting this for good. I'm in 70/80k debt at the minute but luckily it's all in low/medium interest loans or 0% balance transfer credit cards which I have been lucky enough to keep moving when it becomes interest bearing. If I was paying interest on it all I can't imagine the trauma I would be having. I really think you need to try and get the finanaces under control as these are causing you ridiculous stress and sleepless nights. Can I ask why you don't live with your partner? If you don't want to answer then you don't have to, i'm just curious 🙂 xxxxx

Morning Paul , sorry afternoon just looked at the clock ? . " Is this the way it's gonna be forever " ????....................

Answer in short " That's up to you " It will if you let it paul or you could start making small changes , nothing drastic or major maybe just making an effort to do one job , changing the lightbulb for instance , it takes a few minutes and a few quid but its something that once done is removed from your to do list and one less worry , its all about moving forward Paul , however small the step .

I agree with Alan, set yourself small achieveable targets for each day/week and it's something that you can tick off and it keeps the mind away from the awful thoughts. 59 isn't old!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you feel like you have lost everything but there is still another 16 years to build up a decent pension pot. Why don't you start looking at ways to make an extra few quid? Or any chance of a promotion in your current job?

Paul , I don't believe for one minute that if you truly felt you had no hope or no future you would be here at all , there's always hope and light at the end of what can seem a very long and dark tunnel .

I'd like to share something with you if I can .

Rewind my life 9 yrs ago , I thought I was quite happily married , we'd been together since just after school and we'd always had a pretty good life , Holidays every year , big boat private mooring , both our kids went through private education and no major issues , about 11 yrs ago my wife developed a bit of a drink problem that over the next two years went from bad to very bad , constantly finding hidden bottles everywhere and always an excuse as to why they were there , I'm not stupid and things quickly escalated to a point 9 yrs ago that she decided she didn't need help and it was far easier to walk away form everyone and everything and sought a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour ? .

I couldn't go on with it any longer and didn't stand in her way as she'd started taking her anger out on my then 12 yr old son , we had a nasty bitter divorce in which she told me she wanted everything I had and went around spreading lies tio all of our friends and family about how it was all my fault and how badly I'd treated her .

Long story short , she got her divorce payment , she walked away from both her kids and has probably seen them maybe 3or 4 times in 9 yrs and no contact at all in the last 5 or 6 ,She has not spoken to her mum or 5 sisters and her brother since , I sold many things , the boat went the mooring went I managed to hang on to my car which I'm still driving , I had to re mortgage by 70 thousand and no maintenance for my son who has lived with me permanantly since , and when she left the houshold income was effectively halfed , I had to go cap in hand to my son's school to ask if there was anything they could do, all at the same time as try and bring up my son and run my business .

Thankfully my sons school halved his fees so I could keep him there with his friends but I still had to find £ 100 a week , I lived from hand to mouth for quite a few years , getting used to a life without but I had a son to bring up and no time for self pity , I upped my work rate to earn more and I still work 14 hr days apart from sunday's , I had no time to look back and stare at what had gone , no time to regret anything , life dealt me a hand and either I accepted it and worked to make it better , or I chucked it all in and gave up , I'm 4 yrs younger than you but unlike you I see the positives coming toward me , My sons grown up to be a great lad with no I'll effects from his past , he's had a great education and going into his final yr at uni , You say you have a couple of pensions to come , Lucky you Paul , I've just taken a huge chunk of mine to pay for my daughters wedding and my sons 21st bash , the rest will probably come out by the end of the year to pay for my 3 months off work because of a hip replacement and then thats it no more , but am I worried? no , so what things will work out they always do .

And do you no what , the only thing I'm angry about out of everything I've just told you ? , the time I had to lose with my son while I had to put in extra hours , something I can never replace however much money I might have one day .

It's money paul , it comes and it goes !!!

Thanks for sharing Alan,some powerful stuff and very honest stuff. Everyone is fighting a personal battle and deals with it in there own way. It's almost like a grieving process but the thing is life goes on! I've no doubt you'll get there Paul you'll reassess and get on with it.To be frank you need to life keeps moving best wishes

Yeah I am a nagging sod Paul and now youv'e given me the green light they'll be no stopping me ?

I am nagging you mate simply because I know how much your hurting and although what we do to ourselves is bespoke we can all empathise with those feelings , life's not over mate , you know it and so do I , you will move on from this and no matter how slowly it and you will get better :)).

I won't nag you anymore tonight I promise but hey tommorows another day ?

Stay safe Paul

Night mate

Day 18, no urges to gamble, just as every day when i wake up now, sheer anxiety about what i have done, the amounts are too huge to comprehend. I can't believe what i have done over the last 6/7 years, it's not real, you are supposed to look after what you earn, I have literally thrown away the price of an average uk house, it's incomprehensible, I am still so angry with myself.

I know it's not coming back and I will never return to that way of trying to recoup my losses, what i am suffering now will be a constant constant reminder of what stupidity can bring to you. I will be in chat at 2 today with the maypole moderator, hope to speak to any of you then.

Hi diary, a place for your thoughts to be left, after gambling has taken almost everything from you. As darkness has descended my thoughts always detoirate, thats probably why i gambled so much in winter. I am away from here till Sunday 18th Sept, for I cannot destroy my others half's happiness by saying i cannot afford this break. The reality is my house of cards are going to tumble down one day soon, it is impossible to keep the facade up. I may have 30 years left on this planet, how many cars will i need between now and then, how many boilers, now many settee's, how many DIY jobs (shed, windows),what i have left after bills paid per month in a whole year would not buy a decent settee, maybe a 8 year old ford car (a whole year's savings !), It's a financial catestrophe, i really really needed those losses i made on monday 22.8.16, really needed them, 10 years savings, five hours, i wasn't even conciously gambling the money away (i don't remember doing it at all), especially the last £K20. Sorry all for the negativity, if you don't want to read it, close the thread, i will be back here in 9 days, or sooner if my house of cards tumbles before then. - Paul

Paul I'm so sorry you're going through this. We're here. You're not alone and you're not the only one who has done this. Life is still livable. And you are still lovable. Xxx

Hey Paul
Just wanted to say hi and send a cyber hug...I know your hurting...I know your scared...this place is always open.....I hope your time away turns out the way you want it to....x
Stay safe

I used to be in bed at this time of night, for 59 years sleep and peace has come easily. I say this now, for gambling has robbed me of peace at night, I will struggle to sleep tonight, worrying about the future bills, I will be awake at 5, panic in my brain at what i have done, the fear that eventually I will have to confess again about my gambling addication and losses to my loved ones who will become my loved ones gone ............... no longer there to talk to to confide in. Will it be all I am left with is this cyber screen web-site to offer me solace, but only in silence, no real warmth of human contact. It's 28 days since i last gambled, do i feel this is an achievement, no way, I feel trapped in so many ways, a prisoner in my own mind caused my desire to retain the money I earned. I know it's not coming back, I accept that, but I feel I have gone too, a major part of me ripped up and cast aside. Thanks for reading this and thanks for your support on here, catch you all tomorrow. LML.

Hi Paul noticed you didn't post yesterday how you doing? Not good when you go quiet. What steps have you taken?? Have you taken steps to limit access to your cash, gone to GA meetings yet?? Not sure it's good for you to keep wallowing and looking back. It's time for practical steps too mate. Let us know how you are doing. You still have a lot of support on here. Try and take each day at a time. Gary

Morning Paul,

A good honest post Paul, I know you're struggling I could sit here and say it will al be good give it time things will get better with time. But

Here's where i put the broken record on, unfortunately I don't think you will snap out of it while your life is in limbo. It's a positive that you have let the money go but it's the relationship that is holding you back. Until you find out the answer, will she stick by you won't she? You're just going to keep beating yourself up and assuming the worst.

I am speaking from experience I hid it and led the double life, and when I did tell as you know I lost all, well it felt that way but on that day I also gained me back not straight away but more and more each day. I'm no longer ashamed Paul I'm proud of who I am becoming

I wish you well when you do decide to spill the beans, only you can decided when that will be and then deal with the outcome what ever it may be.

KTF