Re-building My Life

Day 2.

No Gambling.

I saved myself 750 quid yesterday. Good start.

Went for a good run last night. Running helps clear my head and makes me feel better. Good therapy. I should continue this.

I often hear gamblers talking about hitting their rock bottom but surely this place is the same for all, which is to lose absolutely everything. How can anything other than losing everything be a rock bottom. I have had many kind words of support and some of sound advice but although it may be true I never like to hear that "I haven't hit my rock bottom yet and need to do this before I recover". Does this mean that every addict doing well in recovery has had to lose absolutley everything and everyone in their lives before they accepted real help. Scary thought.

P.S. D123 I have never distanced myself from people who have lost houses, cars etc nor have I ever judged anyone for doing so. Who am I to judge someone I don't know anything about. All I said at that time is that I hadn't stolen from my family. This was not me saying that I am better than everyone else. I have just lost 4k in an eight day bender. If my wife and I had 4k savings in an ISA I would not steal that money to repay my debt. If I did that my wife would question where the money went. I hide my gambling debt in my personal account. Not a very good idea but that is my situation. If I stole money my cover would be blown and protecting that is more important to me than any debt. I've always got a chance of repaying the debt.

Tomso.

Hey Tomso

Perhaps not the wisest words from a woman who has hit her head but in response to your post I can share and pass on some words from the rooms of 12 step ..

I was told that addiction and recovery is like an elevator ...you can get off at any floor if you choose and go back up on the ascent, but for some it has to be a ground floor rock bottom which in my words I would summarise as "the pain of trying to control becomes greater than the decision to hand over control and learn another way"

Your man Duncs has done this...which is why he is a fantastic advocate of real recovery in my humble opinion ...he has been to suicidal rock bottom and has come back again ..from the near dead.

I am used to 12 step recovery programmes where physical lives are lost due to liver failure or organ/ heart failure due to alcohol and the reality is lives can be lost as our Joan knows only too well and as gambling can due to suicide.

There is a greater urgency and tough love in AA for this reason as the physical life is at stake.

The choice ultimately lies with the person but the sad thing about alcohol is often the biochemical damage to the physical body can over ride the choice.

In gambling you have a greater choice Hun which is a blessing and also a curse ..fighting for ones life in intensive care is pretty black and white and the choice is narrowed to live or die.

Xxx

Hi mate,

Sorry to read your bad news but I trust and know you will be fine, you don't need to hit rock bottom my friend I don't want that for you.

I feel the temptation every day at he moment and I am pretty sure I would have gambled also if I had some money spare to chance, lucky for me I don't so I didn't have to make that decision but next year..... I'll have to stand firm.

Here for you but you've heard everything before, you do what is best for you and deal with this in your own way.

Tomso

Keep posting keep fighting work ur way through this as u can see there's always loads of support for u, I know ur still hurting I can feel ur pain but it could be so much worse u need to accept this situation put it behind u and start moving forward again and that will benefit everyone friends family and most importantly urself

How are ur family? Can they see a change with u whilst ur goin through this we all know the affects gambling can av on people close to us, sometimes honesty is the best way a problem shared a problem halved u av a good family wife kids etc, xmas comin up still loads of positives in ur life

As always recovery is bespoke so wish u well and thoughts are with u don't let gambling take anymore from u its time for the Tomso I know to fight back and look that demon in the eye and show him who's boss

Castle2

Morning.

I didn't think of "rock bottom" as losing everything. My mental state was at rock bottom, I then knew that i had to sort myself out before I lost everything.

There is a bloke at my GA who tells new members that if they valued money, then they wouldn't gamble. He also states that there are only so many times we can relapse-what's the point of relapsing time after time.

Harsh I know, but it jolted me into recovery.

Best wishes.

gazza

Tomso

Fella I believe Gazza makes a very fine point in his post today, one which I have myself been pondering since your post yesterday.

'rock bottom' for me simply does not come with a financial equation, there is no financial bottom line.

Because in my mind in it's simpliest terms if we all gave up when the funds ran dry, a great deal less destruction would excist through folks compulsion to gamble.

What is worse the millionaire footballer I sat with in GA who waged hundreds of thousands on the outcome of a race, to which he lost, chased, borrowed and chased to feed his compulsion or the window cleaner who earnt £250 a week and took the £20 his wife gave him to do the washing at the launderette and punted it until he had the same outcome as the footballer, they both had nothing left to bet with, because they Cannot win because they cannot stop???

My answer simple

They are both equally as bad the funds to gamble with are just the fuel, the results on each level the same, emotional devestation, self loathing, self hatred and total loss of self respect and self belief, the compulsion to gamble is not prejudiced in who it befriends, it will take anyones money and feed there compulsion to never be able to stop, it may temporarily lend them money from time to time but the interest We both know how much we gift back on top.

For me rock bottom is the day when you say 'I am done with gambling because it beat me, had me licked it won'

That is the day and there is no bench mark or book to tell us when

That like recovery is bespoke.

You have to decide when you remove the destructive gambling forms from your life.

for that I believe you did so.

For it be proud.

Look after yourself

Duncs stepping forward never back

Day 3.

Dmac you make an interesting point on my diary ref rock bottom. After reading it I doubt I have reached my rock bottom or don't feel as though this latest episode felt like a rock bottom. Funny thing is I thought I hit a rock bottom several months ago but gambled again after three weeks.

Anyway, I am going to try a different tactic this time. I have never considered gambling addiction to be an illness. I am not judging those who do but my personal opinion is that it is not. However, I am going to work under the pretence that it is an illness and I suffer from it greatly. Therefore, if I gamble I can not blame myself for the act of gambling because I am ill and was not able to demonstrate the proper levels of control to stop myself from gambling once the opportunity is presented to me. Here is the crazy catch - I am breaking myself into two seperate people - the ill person and the healthy person. The role of the healthy person is to prevent the opportunity.

It is the healthy person who gets in the car at 7am to drive to work not the ill person. I have never felt the desire to play roulette first thing in the morning and the bookies aren't even open yet. So it is a no brainer that the healthy person gets to choose whether or not he takes the bank card to work. If the healthy person chooses to take that card even for the most innocent reasons and the ill person gambles with it the healthy person is at fault not the ill guy.

I could go on making several examples like this but the point is that surely I have my own destiny in my own healthy hands.

In my experience, the ill Tomso only shows up at lunch time at work, which is rare, or on the way home from work, which is not rare or at night which is usually as a result of the losses he has incurred on his drive home.

DMac,

Also, I finally know what you mean by money is just the fuel for this addiction. When I had a hundred bucks to lose I lost a hundred bucks. Recently I had 750 quid per day and lost 750 quid per day.

Tomso.

Hi Tomso,

I also have a self-destructive side. For me it is borne of low self-esteem even though in some aspects of my life I am self-confident.

Drawing a line under the past is difficult that's for sure but necessary. Recovery is also slow. But its better that way I think. More time to experience and savour the journey.

Good to see that your getting to grips with the way forward. Keep running and sign up for a spring marathon perhaps. I always have a race to look forward to myself.

Regards... S.A

Hang in there Tomso. We are all here because at some point it has dawned on us (often more than once) that we have reached a point of rock bottom. We beat ourselves up about it and wish the clock could be turned back. Think though what could potenetially have happend by turning that same clock forward - say you begged, stole, borrowed (whatever means, the detail don't matter) the outcome could've been much, much worse. Take stock and build from here. You still have income, still have family and also your health. Improvements to debt etc can only come with time, which will be a gradual process with a few bumps along the way but at least you have that on the horizon. Keep strong and when that day is achieved the satisfaction will be greater than any gambling win.

Tomso

Fella I hope the path you have choosen works for you fella, that is without doubt the key to recovery is it not??

To find a way which works for you and stick with it, there is a mountain of advice, help , opinions and evidence of recovery methods out there my friend but fiinding a way which gifts you your own belief is surely the key.

Well done for standing upon your own two feet.

when I read your thread this morning it cast me back to a point in your recovery were you stated you were not the type of fella who would go to the bookie with say a twenty pound note, in your mind it would be a wasted journey,that you only considered a visit with a hundred to punt and an even more sobering fact that that had progressed to £750.

You are doing the right thing

Let that rational side take control.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

I believe that rock bottom is a moving target .

There have been many time when I have hit what I believed at the time to be my rock bottom, only to hit it again.

So really does it matter . You see I agree that at the moment in time as Duncs says gambling got you beat , and with that a resolve comes that you will accept that fact and be determined to change . That change is for today , will hit rock bottom again a day , a week , a month or in my case 5 years later who knows . Maybe .....

Is it worth worrying bout , no , should we excuse ourselves by thinking well I am only going to hit it again .No

Today we make the decision fight this addiction, we will in all probability get up and do the same tomorrow .

Maybe one day our resolve will not be as strong and we will slip. Because we are addicts , can we sit about waiting for that slip again no .

All we can do it focus our attention on today because for today that my dear friend it is enough.

I just wanted add , that I truly believe that addiction, what ever that addiction is , is an illness . That is not to excuse my behaviour , it is what it is , so I refuse to beat myself up for it . But understand that having an addiction, and accepting that , it becomes my responsibility to manage it . To not manage my addictive compulsive personality would be my failing , not the fact that I am an addict .

Rambled on a bit there ,

Take care Hun and remember it's ok to be you !

Shiny xxxxxx

Day 4.

Thanks for the posts guys. I haven't been posting back, which isn't out of laziness I just don't feel like posting on anyone's diary at the moment. In time that will change.

I took part in a G.A. online meeting last night in hope that it would encourage me to go to a meeting. I will be honest. It didn't. I am sure that a G.A. online meeting is nothing like the real thing so I should force myself to go. What is there to lose - probably nothing. I am a great believer in if nothing changes nothing changes even although the last year of my life is in contradiction to that.

After taking part last night, without knowing what to expect, I came to realise that it is no different to what I am doing right now. I am sharing my thoughts and although no-one is listening right now people may choose to read later and provide there own insight. Much the same I think. For those who have experienced G.A. and it changed their lives my views tonight are based on ignorance and not denial.

Anyway, I haven't gambled since Monday and I am glad the storm has passed. When I went to gamble that first day a week ago last Monday I was suckered in with the intention of trying to win twenty quid. It cost me three grand. Am I ill? The facts would suggest that I am. Fortunately, for me, the healthy Tomso was in control today and went to work without funds or opportunity to gamble. I transferred my credit cards to a zero per cent card for 28 months and cut up the old cards and the new cards and destroyed the pin before opening it. I have set up a direct debit at a manageable amount and that is that.

I spoke to my mum about the grand I owe her and obsess about on a daily basis and she has told me she doesn't want it just now and would prefer for me to wait until next year when she retires. Part of the illness is constant worry. The above two paragraphs would be clear enough to even the most stupid person that I am under no pressure whatsoever to pay off debts. The only pressure on me is the kind I place upon myself.

The sh*tty thing about this addiction is that I have big nights out over the Christmas period with friends that I will not be able to make now. That is a tough one because God knows I need a right good night out with my friends at the moment. A drunken night of madness with my oldest friends would be better medicine than any doctors prescription.

Enough for tonight.

Tomso.

Tomso

I try and support you but sometimes I don't get you. Your last post indicates that one of the worst things about your recent loss of a few thousand is not being able to go to a couple of nights out. If that's what you think your head isn't in the right place.

On the other hand if going to these nights is as you put it the best medicine then borrow £100 and go to them. It's a drop in the ocean compared to what you recently lost.

Day 5.

No thoughts of gambling today. In fact, I had a good day. Rolled back the years when asked to play for a local amateur football team. I could only make it for half time and they put me on and I had scored a beauty of a twenty yarder within two minutes of being on the park setting them on the way to a great win. Amateur football cracks me up sometimes - the refs don't leave the centre circle and everyone wants to fight after one bad challenge. Their players started to give me some heavy treatment near the end but I just get up and laugh and they look at me as if I am mental. I will probably feel it tomorrow but a good day nevertheless. The head is still there if not the legs.

Tomso.

Hi Tomso,

Five days is just the start, you're making the right first steps in the correct direction.

I remember the same thing about playing amateur football, one marginal tackle starts it off and everyone thinks its fine to leave the studs in. Having played rugby as well I'm not overly bothered, and as a big lad I just make sure I fall on top of them...does more damage than a few studs will ever do.

All the best

Ryan