Re-building My Life

Dear Diary,

Thanks for the messages of support.

There is a lot of chat on diaries about people having days of feeling down something that I have experienced this week.

For years I gambled on the back of many emotions. I used gambling to lose myself in times of stress, to suppress sadness. I gambled when happy and when bored. I experienced many highs and devastating lows which came with a rollercoaster of changing emotions. Basically, without gambling we find ourselves having to deal with emotions and, for me, once again this is something new. My brain is out of practice. I haven’t had to rely on it for a while. Usually feelings of sadness would be lost on a roulette wheel. But the brain is a marvellous thing. Like me it just needs a little more time to adjust. Everyday can’t be a good day. Funnily enough I’ve had a lovely day today.

Tomso

Nice post mate. Youre so right what you're saying.

Dear Diary,

I haven't posted since Friday so thought that I would put down some words. Not much is happening in my world - no drama. I had a nice weekend, been busy at work and life continues to fly by.

Just over a month on from my last relapse and it never ceases to amaze me how your thought process changes significantly if given a little time. A month ago I sat in bed in the darkness of night with the calculator function of my phone busy at work. Money lost that day and previous day had me busy at work trying to calcualte how quickly I could pay this off. Over and over and over again sitting calculating numbers with my head numb and exhausted with stress and anxiety. One month on and it doesn't seem so bad. A debt to be paid which doesn't need to paid in a rush. Nobody is phoning demanding repayment. The bank manager isn't spying on me through the bushes waiting to pounce on me. Once again, the rush to repay, the pressure that I was putting on myself was me being delusional and totally irrational.

Reference above, do I wish there was no debt? Yes probably. What if I hadn't lost that day. What if I had won that day. What position would I be in today. I have no doubt that I would have been in far bigger trouble. I wouldn't have come here and I wouldn't have stopped gambling. I have to pay a small amount for being an idiot when I should have known better. In return for this debt I get to start recovery again. Silver lining and all.

Tomso.

Tomso wrote: Reference above, do I wish there was no debt? Yes probably. What if I hadn't lost that day. What if I had won that day. What position would I be in today. I have no doubt that I would have been in far bigger trouble. I wouldn't have come here and I wouldn't have stopped gambling. I have to pay a small amount for being an idiot when I should have known better. In return for this debt I get to start recovery again. Silver lining and all.

Always wise words, always talking sense bro. Nice.

Dear Diary,

Great day today. Simple stuff. Went to the gym this morning and boxed like a pro - felt good, sharp and strong. Went to watch a local amateur game of football with my youngest son this afternoon and we had a kick about on the park before and after the game and had some great fun. Came home and the wife has made a fabulous home made curry. Doesn’t get any better than that.

Incidentally, I didn’t spend a penny.

I am such a simple soul. Exercise, football and great dinner = happy.

Tomso

Sounds spot on that mate

Dear Diary,

Interesting day today. All started well with a run in freezing conditions followed by a piping hot bath. All good.

My wife is out for the day for her friends birthday so I had the kids however, my sister in law decided to take them out for a few hours.

I had to go to the shops and passed by the bookies and then it hit. Not an urge to gamble but more a feeling of jealousy that a short while ago I’d have loved this opportunity of a few hours on my own in the bookies playing roulette. Nobody calling me, nobody wondering where I was. Just me, a few hundred quid and the wheel. Ridiculous thoughts I know.

Isn’t it amazing that with all addictions you only recall the good times never the bad. The thought of being in the bookies at the time of driving by seemed like the greatest thing to do - a place to be happy and have marvellous fun.

I am very lucky in a sense that I don’t get urges as such only the occasional passing thought like today. These can be put into perspective very quickly. Back in the day when I got urges there was no fighting them. Once the thought of gambling entered my head I had to act. I used to feel completely powerless to gambling.

Anyway, for being such a good boy I bought myself a nice muffin and came home and enjoyed it with a nice coffee. This was nice and cost £1.28

Logging off to watch the football now.

Tomso

Dear Diary,

I have been doing a great deal of reading diaries tonight and once again the topic of GA comes up. Everybody has their own opinion of GA which is their right to do so.

When I first came here I would never have went to GA. No way not for me - the God thing - not for me. But, for two years on here and tackling addiction my way I kept failing. Relapse after relapse until I realised that I wasn’t getting better I was getting worse. I was gambling less but with more money and so my losses were far greater than when I first arrived here.

I have certain rules about self help. I’ll give myself a chance to fix something but if it’s not working I need to open my mind to other options. So, I plucked up the courage and walked through the doors of GA. Everything got better instantly. A room full of nice people who went to GA but not one of them went to church. They all believed in a higher power but not all believed in God. For the second half of the meeting we discussed one of the 12 steps starting at the beginning and moving to the following step the next week. Very few practised the steps. Nobody had got to 12. Didn’t matter to me I loved talking about the steps. I loved listening to each individuals understanding of the step and I loved listening to the more experienced members. I learned so much and like exercise always felt better afterwards. GA is the only time in my life where I could shut up and let someone else speak and listen to every word they spoke.

I left GA before the first year and went on to be gamble free for over 4 years. Because of GA I am far better equipped and knowledgeable and able to deal with life’s issues.

If gambling is destroying your life and no matter what you do or how hard you try you still find yourself gambling or wanting to gamble then get yourself to GA.

The meeting I selected to go to was several towns away from my home. Carefully selected by me with an understanding that I shouldn’t know anybody who would go to that meeting. I went once per week.

I met people in recovery and people who were off a bet and these are two different things. The people in recovery had a massive effect on me. I’ll be forever grateful for the time they invested in me. Good souls.

Tomso

Two very interesting posts today, Tomso.

Like yourself, I have sometimes reminisced about ‘good memories’ of my gambling career. The big wins, the close shaves, the times my heart leapt at last minute winners, the last ball hit for six that wins in the cricket, the roulette wins etc.... I think back at times, wishing I could go through those experiences again.

However, what I’ve started to do myself is to try to think of those moments where I felt the complete opposite. The times I’d lay on my sofa on a Sunday night, depositing £50 after £50 after £50, not knowing where to stop or even how to stop. Then going for a shower afterwards, realising I’d missed my tea and looking at myself in the mirror in disbelief. Wondering how on Earth I would recover the situation and not feel like utter poo. Going to bed at night at 3am, knowing and panicking that I had to be a few hours later, but with my head still seeing that ball whizzing round the roulette table. I remember some nights looking at the clock at 8pm and then the next time I looked it’d be 11pm. And then 1am.

I swear time went so much faster when I was playing online roulette.

The reality was, it didn’t.

Sorry tomso haven't had time to catch up with your diary - but I will.

Thank you for your post and I'm doing fine just really busy but I'll be on here everyday this week gonna be a tough one but we'll get through it.

Take care, stay strong and I'll catch up soon

That is a bizarre post for me to receive from ALN. Accusations made against me but a directive not to reply on his diary. I am happy to agree to your request.

I have witnessed this type of thing previously on this forum where a member is hell bent on convincing anyone and everyone that their way is the only way and anything else is doomed for failure. As previously mentioned, a long time ago, probably on an older diary, I had a guy who would constantly belittle me as a CG. His belief was that unless you have lost absolutely everything then you are not a compulsive gambler.

ALN has been quite vocal for about a month now regarding the issue that if someone bets on anything i.e. raffle ticket, T*****a, work syndicate etc that you are not gamble free. Following on from this it is now the issue of whether you should watch sport or not. I couldn't care less about anyone's opinion on the above however, I always get a little upset when I rightly or wrongly interpret people trying to force their views on others on a forum full of vulnerable people. I will never change my view on this. I think this borders on bullying to an extent and I don't tolerate bullying more so from someone hiding behind a computer screen.

I honestly believe that we all have a responsibility on this forum which is first of all to ourselves in terms of trying to eradicate gambling from our lives. That is open to our own interpretation and is down to the individual to tackle that issue. Secondly, we have a responsibility to support and look out for each other and finally we have a responsibility to welcome new members with kind words of support and hope. When they arrive here lost we have to do our all to make sure they trust and believe that this fourm can be a starting point to their recovery.

Of course, I am a hypocrite in writing the above paragraph because last time out I posted for about six months and hardly made a contribution over the next three and a half years. I was gamble free for four years and with that thoughts of gambling rarely occurred. I fell away from the forum and the relationships that I had formed with other members even although they were still going through a difficult process.

If anything I owe ALN a debt of gratitude because he gets me wanting to type. ALN you are probably good therapy for me.

Take care all. Have a super fabulous weekend.

Tomso.

I totally agree, Tomso!

The number one priority in our own individual journey to a better life is ourselves. Only you, yourself, knows deep down whether or not things such as watching sport would hinder your own progress to becoming gamble free. Nobody else could possibly ever know for sure.

Ultimately, it is all down to yourself.

I love reading suggestions from other forum users about how to tackle this addiction. I think the point made by ALN, with regards to staying away from sport, was a valid one and one that I’m sure will be taken by other members of the forum. But it must be presented as a ‘suggestion’ rather than anything more forceful. As we all know, what works for some, won’t necessarily work for others. We’re all different in our make up.

I’ve even read on some forums on the internet that some compulsive gamblers have experienced long term gamble free success by watching others gamble high stakes on the internet. Now whilst I wouldn’t recommend or ever try that myself, I wouldn’t ever poo-poo that idea because it obviously seems to work for some. If Joe Bloggs had been gamble free for 3 years by watching gambling videos on YouTube etc, then who are we to argue with that?

Each member on this forum comes with their own past experiences with gambling, their own triggers, their own current financial situation and their own personal level of how hard they’ve previously gambled in comparison to their income.

Yo, thank you for post . I am fine . Hope you are ok. Read your post on Duncs thread . Over the time I have spent on this site I have seen peeps getting upset with others, over posts. I often feel that a post does not always convey what someone wants to say. If said in person like a two way street, people react instantly , their body language , their tone as much a part of the conversation as the words. Add to that we all have different views , tried different ways to arrest this addiction , so if someone is trying something that did not work for us , it’s easy to want to point out that is this the best way. I found that on this site recently, when a guy was only going to partially give up, in my head he did not have a hope in hell but it was up to him. I just hoped he made it work and didn’t find out the hard way by digging a bigger hole .

Anyways I hope this has not put you off posting , because first and foremost is your own recovery which you seem to be moving in the right direction. Feel a high five coming on there , see what I mean about being their in person. I do not have a Facebook , or twitter account as I have seen so many go wrong . Have a good week .. Shiny:-)

Dear Diary,

New week and hopefully a better week that the last one.

Getting excited about the lighter mornngs/nights and my knee is not giving me any issues whatsoever so I plan on running every day this week. Why not it makes me feel better.

Other than that, I don't have much to say. I usually see this as a sign of progress. It is easier to write when in a state of dismay but when things get better and gambling thoughts/actions are not so much part of your life and not so much in the forefront of your mnd then putting words down becomes a little harder for me.

Tomso.

Keep writing mate... I resonate with all that you say, even on your quiet days, what you say is thought-provoking and reflective... Inspiring for me in that respect.

Hope you're ok and well

I made it through 200 days... Feel good and ready to do 200 more.