Re-building My Life

Dear Diary,

I’ve had a good week and as I type this I am perfectly happy.

Busy days at work and the week passes very quickly and I am ready for a great weekend. I’m playing football tonight and I’ve got a rare night out tomorrow night so good things to look forward to.

I had a very vivid gambling dream the other night. I’ve only had a few but this one is still fresh in my mind days later. I was in a casino but it wasn’t a casino more like a large hall. It had roulette obviously but also other games similar to roulette but with cards. Strange. I never gambled card games. Anyway, the strange part was that my kids were with me and at the beginning they were right by my side. Every time I moved to a new roulette table I would turn back and my kids would be a little further away from me. This would continue until I turned and they were so far way from me it appeared that I was on one side of a large hall and they were at the other end but still walking towards me. Eventually, I walked to another table and when I turned round they were gone.

Every night this week my wife and I have been watching a very popular documentary on Netflix about a very well known case where a poor little girl went missing and is lost to her family. I can’t help thinking that my dream was influenced by my gambling past and said documentary. It woke me up startled in the middle of the night.

It’s probably been about six or seven weeks since my last relapse (purposely don’t keep track) and it’s taken this long to realise that I’m paying too much each month to my debt. Trying to blast this in a very short time is not good for me. Now that I’m thinking straight I need to reduce these payments. Life is for today. Don’t focus on how better it will be in a few months when I’m debt free. I’ve been here before. As long as there is no gambling the debt reduces every month on its own. Nobody other than me applies pressure to pay quickly. Patience young man.

One of my kids goes on a trip with his mum for a birthday treat soon and I’m going to hand him some surprise extra spending money before they go to the airport. This is not a big thing but something that I focus on. He’ll be delighted and his happiness will fill me with joy. I can do this with a debt as a recovering gambler who isn’t gambling. I could be an active gambler with hundreds of pounds in my sock drawer and I wouldn’t have given him anything extra. The benefits of not gambling are not always the big things that we hope for. Sometimes they are as simple as making a small gesture that can bring about big happiness to others around us.

I would also like to make a small mention to the members diaries I have read this week. There is a lot of ongoing success stories on here. Very few stories of relapse, lots of stories of GF days adding and adding up. So good on everybody out there making the correct daily decisions and putting in the hard work. Lovely to read.

Take care and have a super fabulous weekend troops.

Tomso

I often dream about gambling and it always feels so real. I feel relieved when I wake up and realise it was just a dream. Pleased you have had a good week long may it continue for you

I’m a new member here and I couldn’t see how to start a thread of my own so I’m sorry for hijacking this one.

I’ve been a gambler for about 5 years now. In the early years it was just sports betting but then about 2 years ago I only gambled on roulette. I got addicted to how instant it was. Well it got a bit crazy. I had an amazing run I couldn’t loose and if I did I doubled the next spin and won. I said to myself once I got to a certain target I would stop... but I didn’t I just kept going and kept winning. This was over a 6 month period. I had 60k in my savings acc all down to roulette. That was me I was done I could have a nice life with no money issues. I hadn’t done a spin for a week but then I was laying on the sofa bored and was like meh I’ll deposit 2.5k and have a bit of fun. Well you can guess the rest. I now have 1.5k to my name. I’ve literally throwing a life changing amount down the drain! What was I thinking 🙁 I haven’t eaten in 5 days. Haven’t slept. Tried to suffocate myself but there is this voice at the back of head saying don’t do it. I’m tempeted to get a 10k loan. I’m so devastated. I know I’ve only myself to blame. This will be on my mind for the rest of my life. The world is a bad place anyway I don’t know if I want to be part of it

Blade,

Welcome to the forum.

I’m sure you can start a new thread at the top of the recovery page which will create your own diary. I think this would be a good idea for you because other members will get to view it and have the ability to respond with kind words of support.

In your situation, you’ve won 60k and lost 58.5k. You could look at it like it was never your money. There are compulsive gamblers who’ve lost their house, marriage, kids and job due to their losses. You have time to arrest this now.

It’s so hard to accept the money is gone. You’ll only manage to do this through stopping. This will allow time for you to start thinking straight. Trust me, this can happen.

The worst thing to do is chase your losses because this could lead to catastrophic consequences.

Your life is worth living and without the emotional and mental madness you can have a fabulous future.

Hopefully admin will read your post and offer you better advice than I can.

Take care

Tomso

Tomso wrote:

Hopefully admin will read your post and offer you better advice than I can.

Tomso

Was top advice if you ask me ;o)

A very sobering story Blade, appreciate you being so candid and honest. Yes, the money is gone now but hope of putting gambling behind you isn't. Please do not try and win money back, you think you feel bad now but if/when you start losing money that's not actually yours the feeling is 10 times more disgusting, trust me on that :o(

Start a new diary, read others for inspiration. Check out success stories section of this forum for inspiration. Reading your post brings it all home re how devastating gambling can be. Must avoid it at all costs moving forward. Best of luck.

Thanks for your replies it really means a lot. I’m on mobile and can’t see start new thread so I apologise. I’m so angry I literally had mine and my partners life sorted. We love going to Disney Orlando. Could have done that twice a year. Now we will be lucky to get once every 2 years. I had always wanted an Audi. I could have got my partner a new car. She deserves a nice life after a tough childhood. I was imagining how happy she was going to be. That’s all I can think about every bloody minute

anyway nothing I say can make it change. I don’t how anyone can ever forget this.

Struggling to understand the purpose of life now. Slave all week and for what? While other people cheat systems and live nicely

Edit: I think way to much. Even when everything was normal. Now after what’s happened my head hurts thinking. Even I’m sleeping I consusnaly thinking. I don’t know how I’ve managed to hide this from my partner.

You're not alone blade. It's funny you ended up on Tomso's diary because he can give you some good advice to get you through the early days of a gambling binge/heavy loss. Please be warned the early days are mega tough... Gambling is still coarsing through your veins.

You should start a diary and survive this. Regrets are perfectly natural but they won't get you anywhere or change anything, don't forget that ;o)

Please don't let me log on in future and read a story of you doing a load more money! It's going to be hard when the urges come but stay strong and rebuild one day at a time. It will be ok if you don't gamble again. Money will return to you. Life will be good ;o)

Survive for now. By that I mean don't gamble by any means necessary.

Dear Diary,

Alcohol and Gambling.

I had a rare night out last with a group of my oldest and best friends. We’ve been friends since school but don’t get out much as a group due to geography, work, kids, etc but when we get together it’s always a great night.

Anyway, it was getting late and we’d drank a lot and I was overcome with the want to go to the casino. Before I continue I should say that I went home after the pub and went to bed like a good albeit too drunk boy. If I had brought it up in conversation we’d have been in a taxi quicker than a thousand gazelles but I kept my usually big mouth shut.

I have done a very good job over the past few years of convincing myself that I hate the bookies. I do. I hate being in there. Hate the idea of being a regular face. Hate the idea of being seen through the window by passing cars, pedestrians while sitting at that machine playing roulette with ever changing expressions on my face be it joy or despair. But the casino is a different thing altogether.

I’ve been to Las Vegas - best place on the planet when you are in your twenties with few to no responsibilities. I’ve had some of the greatest nights out in a casino - truly legendary nights out. The excitement I experience just walking into a casino floor is out of this world. But.................................................I ruined all that. I can’t have the life I want while being a visitor of casinos. They cannot co exist. I can’t even go once or occasionally or even one time every year. One night in the casino playing roulette can set you back months or even years as a recovering gambling addict.

So here I am hungover and tired sitting watching the football just waiting for bed because tonight I will sleep a deep sleep. I’ll be out like a light as soon as my care free head hits the pillow. God only knows how I would feel mentally today had I walked into the Devils casino last night.

I live to fight another day. One day at a time.

Tomso

Yo, gosh you had me worried there for a split second . Good on ya going straight home , I suppose it’s about acceptance you might want to go to a casino but just can’t . Wonder if part of it is that sneaky addiction using your subconscious to try to get you to hooked again. Sometime times things are sh*** that we can not do what we want to. Presently I need to adjust my life style as I no longer have an income . So decided to to stop smoking real f**s , and have moved to roll ups . Know I should give up, know I should just use my vape but that will come hopefully ( when I feel ready ) so moved to roll ups , not a natural at rolling having never done it in my life, so spent yesterday morning rolling 50 roll ups with a rolling machine which took forever lol Smoking them is ok but I would kill for a real f*g . I made a decision not to buy another packet , and I am determined to stick to it , saves me a fair bit a month so has to bebdone . I tell you this , hoping not to bore you lol , but to reiterate the point about we as addicts can not do just what we want to. 3 yers in recovery and there has been a couple of times when I would love to stand infront if a slot or roulette machine , not to win, (although that would extend my play ) just to shut my mind off , from my constant over thinking . Get some peace from it , but long since worked out that the pitfalls well outnumber the benifits. So I just live with the fact that I am never a peace .Waffled on a bit there, if you would rather I posted my thoughts on my own thread please let me know, once I start I just write what I think . Proud of you not letting the addiction back in , and yes when we throw alcohol into the mix it defo weakens our resistance but you saw that and won the day . High five my friend . Have a good GF week. Shiny. 🙂

Lol why is f.A.G moderated ???

Dear Diary,

I often type on my diary how I believe I often bury life’s problems by eating the most ridiculous amount of junk possible. This week has been like this. It amazes me how this has occurred repetitively for years. Carrying out the same actions over and over and feeling miserable when the same outcome occurs - feeling fat and unhealthy.

Like others, I stopped gambling and couldn’t replace this massive hole with anything that remotely replicates gambling. It was doing something every day to not doing that thing any day. With food surely it must be far, far easier. Nobody says you can’t eat. There are hundreds of different options to eat just don’t eat the unhealthy things that you can’t control yet millions of people around the world really struggle with this on a daily basis.

In turn, and once again, I realise that life needs planning. We have to prepare and plan for success. For some, we have to prepare by taking that bank card out of our wallet before heading off to work. Failure to do this could lead to catastrophic gambling while never intending for this outcome. I need to start preparing the night before for the day after.

Every night this week I’ve went to bed too late. I’ve got up too late. I’ve had to iron a shirt in the morning because I couldn’t be bothered the night before. I’ve left for work without having time to eat breakfast. I’ve went to work without taking a packed lunch. I’ve came home exhausted because of not enough sleep and excessive junk eating and round and round that cycle goes.

1. Iron five shirts on Sunday afternoon you lazy git.

2. Go to bed half an hour earlier and get up half an hour earlier.

3. Have breakfast.

4. Make a packed lunch.

5. Get some exercise (Not like Rocky - just enough age related).

6. Read a book not your phone.

7. Be happy. Simples.

Either do this or don’t. If you choose not to then fine but don’t moan about being tired, about not having any energy, about not being fit, about not being healthy, about getting fat, about feeling rubbish and overall not being happy. Life can be as hard or as easy as I make it. I’ll only ever get out what I’m willing to put in.

Tomso

Tomso wrote:

I'll only ever get out what I'm willing to put in.

Tomso

I struggle with this too mate. Sometimes I sit and wait for things to happen. My car is getting dirtier and dirtier, the weeds are overgrowing in the garden. The feeling of gambling and occasionally winning tricked my programming and reconfigured me in relation to getting something for nothing, hoping something will happen and it just happens.

Gambling has messed with my brain. Going to take years to untangle all the connections and rewire. But I'll get there slowly and as long as I remain on guard hopefully things will stay good for me. Hope you get there too - hope you're well.

Nice 'to-do' list by the way. Its reassuring for me that others overcoming gambling get pent up about productivity. Sometimes I think I am putting too much pressure on myself, then I look out the window at my dirty car and realise how easily I can convince myself when I want to :o) I'll wash it next week when I have time, that's my commitment made after being inspired by yours... I should probably add to that really but baby steps eh ;o)

thindde

Tomso wrote:

Dear Diary,

I often type on my diary how I believe I often bury life’s problems by eating the most ridiculous amount of junk possible. This week has been like this. It amazes me how this has occurred repetitively for years. Carrying out the same actions over and over and feeling miserable when the same outcome occurs - feeling fat and unhealthy.

Like others, I stopped gambling and couldn’t replace this massive hole with anything that remotely replicates gambling. It was doing something every day to not doing that thing any day. With food surely it must be far, far easier. Nobody says you can’t eat. There are hundreds of different options to eat just don’t eat the unhealthy things that you can’t control yet millions of people around the world really struggle with this on a daily basis.

In turn, and once again, I realise that life needs planning. We have to prepare and plan for success. For some, we have to prepare by taking that bank card out of our wallet before heading off to work. Failure to do this could lead to catastrophic gambling while never intending for this outcome. I need to start preparing the night before for the day after.

Every night this week I’ve went to bed too late. I’ve got up too late. I’ve had to iron a shirt in the morning because I couldn’t be bothered the night before. I’ve left for work without having time to eat breakfast. I’ve went to work without taking a packed lunch. I’ve came home exhausted because of not enough sleep and excessive junk eating and round and round that cycle goes.

1. Iron five shirts on Sunday afternoon you lazy git.

2. Go to bed half an hour earlier and get up half an hour earlier.

3. Have breakfast.

4. Make a packed lunch.

5. Get some exercise (Not like Rocky - just enough age related).

6. Read a book not your phone.

7. Be happy. Simples.

Either do this or don’t. If you choose not to then fine but don’t moan about being tired, about not having any energy, about not being fit, about not being healthy, about getting fat, about feeling rubbish and overall not being happy. Life can be as hard or as easy as I make it. I’ll only ever get out what I’m willing to put in.

Tomso

Nice post. So much disfunction in our lives is caused by our intolerance of minor discomfort ie doing small tasks, as you describe which are a bit of a hassle, for greater good.

Far easier to go on our phones aimlessly.

Yet we’re hardwired to do things and get a sense of accomplishment.

Point 7 will come if you do the others

Louis