Re-building My Life

Day 11.

Yesterday's post outlined the potential for yesterday being a truly great day and it didn't disappoint. My team put together their best performance of the season to totally hammer a superior team. The goals were amazing and the game had everything - goals, sending offs, great excitement and atmosphere.

This was followed up by a great night out at the pub last night. Had a great laugh and a good drink and on reflection it is during times like that when gambling thoughts are far, far away from the mind. I really should make more effort to go out more often.

I read Captains diary and his post about thinking how I have a great life and cannot understand why I risk losing this by gambling. What can I say other than I am a flawed individual with a destructive side. I don't look at my life and think how lucky I am because who does that. The human nature is to look at what you don't have rather than what you do have. It would be great if we could all focus on the good things that we have. Having said that, if it was possible to be so positive in life we wouldn't be picking up the paper on a daily basis to read of famous film starts and sports stars being admitted to rehab to deal with depression or addictions. I think we are all messed up a little and some deal with it better than others. One of my best mates told me last night that he thinks he will be splitting up from his wife with whom he has a young son. Tragic. He told me they have been having problems for two years now and sees no way back. A bolt from nowhere because from the outside they look like a happy couple. As I said, we all have problems.

I went out with the wife today for some lunch and to see Anchorman 2. Made me laugh out loud although the film is a little silly. Nothing wrong with having a few laughs.

Overall, another good day for me without the destruction of gambling ruining the day.

Tomso.

Hey Tomso, Remember me?! The guy that you selflessly offered so much useful advice and time to, the guy who you were patient with and continued to believe in, the guy who you would often remind that they apply their own words of wisdom to their own situation? Well hes back, and after reading through my diary again I decided that I would catch up with you first. (I'll update my diary later)

I have just read your most recent diary and I am sure you will understand that I was saddened to read about your 4K bender. (How has the rest of the year been?) However, the more I read the more optimism I began to feel for your current situation. Xmas can be a stressful time, especially for a CG and although you had that blowout before hand, you've picked yourself up and managed to fill the festive period with what matters most, family, drinks with friends and living a gamble free life. You ARE lucky Tomso, and in my opinion it is predominantly the western world that focuses more on the things we haven't got (wants) rather than what we do have, I don't believe that this mindset is set in stone and can be reprogrammed!

Are you still chasing or have you finally come to terms with your losses? From my experience this year, this factor is one of the main keys to progression. As well as filling the voids in time (downtime), you touched on seeing friends more, you've just seen them so why not make those plans now? Its something that I have been proactive with this year and it has helped my mental state greatly but I still need to make more plans, find more friends and be more sociable. Being here helps with that too, eh mate? x

Keep on trucking, is 2014 the year when we finally get to grips with this destructive issue!? Lets make it so!

Thanks for everything you have given me Tomso, I am really sorry for not popping back to update you on things, I owed you that! (You will learn about how I have been in due course). You are a kind and nice fellow, it is your addiction that may lead you to act or feel anything but, remember that. You are definitely one of the good guys!!

Catch you soon I hope

Alexis

Day 12.

Good to have Alexis5Y20K back on the forum. A great addition. Many will benefit from his support and kind words.

Got a dinner to look forward to at my in-laws today. I thought it was cancelled from the other day but apparently, there is no escaping. My lovely mother-in-law is making roast beef, which I like, so I shouldn't complain.

My wife and I are doing New Years dinner for her family and my duties are the starters. I take this very seriously. My soup will be the greatest soup in the world - no brainer - Gordon Ramsey and Jamie Oliver would kick their granny for my soup recipe. The soup will be followed up with some prawn cocktail wrapped in smoked salmon. I had this at an Italian restaurant recently and it was brill. The wife is away to the shops soon so I will get myself down to the supermarket to buy my ingredients.

Had a bad cold for the past week and I cannot shake it. Not been able to go for a run in that time and need to recover before New Year.

Tomso.

Tomso

Good to hear from you.

I've tried to explain to you how things work for me a few times but you are still not getting it. (note - I know this won't work for you and the majority of others and it took 5 and a half years before it started working for me!)

I spend £50 a week on petrol. I spend £30 a week on groceries. I don't buy anything in the petrol station except petrol and maybe a paper. I don't buy groceries I don't like or have no use for. I have managed in the same way to visit a bookies 4 times a week on a basis that I spend £200 a week. I go in and get a midweek coupon, back to put it on, same with a weekend one. The £200 means for 2 hours on a Saturday, Tuesday and Wednesday I follow the football scores. If I win it's a bonus. I work beside guys who go out for meals 3 or 4 times a week and it costs them £200. I choose to spend my money on gambling on football.

I have never placed obscene amounts of money on football but have lost up to £3k on random gambling. That's why I fret about it. I'm not interested in betting on any old sport. Only football at affordable amounts and the odd golf bet. Spending only £200 a week on football means my debts reduce. My debts hadn't reduced for years until the last 6 months due to the days when I lost up to £3k in a day on random.

My triggers for going for a random punt were stress and boredom. Both have affected me during this holiday period hence the worry.

Like you I run and walk in the rain.

I appreciate we all have our standards and aspirations and totally get your scenario re the football. You obviously played at a higher level than me. I'd be happy to just play five a sides now but permanent injury doesn't permit.

I don't agree with a point you made on an earlier post that we don't look at what we have. I think everyone should do that. I have evaluated my life at the end of and middle of each year for 30 years and made changes where I wanted to, wrote down ambitions etc. I haven't always been successful and a lot of my ambitions for a while were about trying to be more successful at gambling before I admitted I had a problem.

I haven't read any other diaries on here where I am envious of the persons life except yours. That's not your fault of course but if you do value what you have and I think you should then you need to I believe look deeply at why you have a gambling problem.

Until you identify this you won't find the answer.

I have found a way to live my life the way I want to gambling wise but the rest of it isn't too great. Most of that I can't immediately do anything about. Some of it I can maybe improve in time.

I can only call it from what I read on here and it's based on how I'd like my life to be but the way I see it if you

solve your gambling issues your job is done as the rest of your life is a pretty picture.

Tomso

Thanks for the reply. I don't mean to come across as frustrated. My comparison between you and I however does as I've said leave me a bit envious based on a combination of the life you describe and the fact you have been lucky enough never to have gambled mortgage and council tax money and stolen money and the like in the way I have in the past. It's all relative but I think your gambling problems aren't as big as you make

out taking all that into account.

re my spending £200 a week on football bets I'm

completely happy with that, I'm not trying to justify it

as such, I don't want to change that. (with random I was

losing everything and with no control) Plus I do win occasionally so it's not all loss!

Also I'm not looking for sympathy but I simply don't have

a big family or friends I spend time with and allied to

me having a very narrow interest in things there isn't a

lot of scope for change. ( I've spent countless time over

the years looking at various possibilities and feel I am

doing all I can within my limitations at the moment.)

Also worth adding that there are many alternatives I could spend time on which don't rival a football bet for thrills spills and ups and downs and never could in my eyes.

We all have our own situations and circumstances and we live with them and do our best and swim with the tide as much as possible.

Best wishes.

Hi Tomso... Seems like you have found a nice balance over Christmas between spending time with friends and family and following your passion for football. In some ways I can appreciate some of the comments from Captain. When I picture your life (from what you describe) you seem to have it all but then of course as you say its never as straight forward as that.

I sense that your something of a perfectionist. I imagine that you set yourself high targets and goals (the perfect soup!) and if you don't achieve them you feel overly annoyed with self. Perhaps like many of us on here being less critical of self is the way forward.

Anyway thanks for your support. Am pushing you out the door for a run even with the sniffles!.. S.A

Day 13.

Nothing to post about today. Went to the football to see an average game. No gambling and I should be having an easy night.

Tomso.

Day 14.

Two weeks have clocked up already although I must admit it feels like a lot longer than that.

Sometimes I wonder about all of us with this addiction or at least the people who are similar to me. For two weeks I have had money, time, opportunity etc but absolutely no desire to gamble. Why can't it be like this forever? What changes and why does it affect the way that I think and act?

I have been bored with work for a good few months now and the majority of my relapses happen when I am at work. However, it would not be right to criticise my job. I have a great one with lots of freedom and a very good owner. Anyway, surely boredom at work is a choice. There is lots still to learn and no excuse for saying that I am bored.

I think everything is in reverse. I don't think I am bored because of work rather I think becoming a gambling addict has switched me off to wanting to learn and better myself. I don't think I quit going to boxing because I became lazy rather I think becoming a gambling addict stole my energy and zest for life. It robbed me of my get up and go.

I can get these things back. In time, when I start to recover I will slowly return to the person I used to be. Keep working at one day at a time. That is working well for my right now.

Take care.

Tomso.

Hey Tomso

Just wanted to wish you all the very best in your recovery for 2014. Those things will come back in time and the longer we abstain, the more "normal" our lives become once more. It's a tough road for us all but we all definitely know that it is a much more tougher one when we are gambling.

Take care and stay strong.

Feb.

Day 15.

No gambling urges and just enjoying the holiday period.

Looking forward to saying goodbye to 2013, which hasn't been one of my favourite years.

Tomso.

Tomso

Happy new year and I'm sure this year will be a better one I hope you find that balance in life and this site and wish you well with your continued recovery

Castle2

Day 16.

Happy New Year everyone.

I have had a good end to a bad year in terms of gambling recovery. Sixteen days under my belt to take with me into 2014 and how I wish to enjoy a fabulous year with total gambling abstinence. This is my main priority for 2014.

I have been reading a lot of diaries last night and again this morning and it amazes me the things that I can learn and get inspired by. Take Lazarus for example. That guy is currently on six hundred plus days without gambling. He is no different to any one of us. He is a gambling addict who gave everything to his recovery and now reaps the benefit of total abstinence. I read somewhere on his diary he had written about enjoying one day at a time. This may appear obvious to others but not me. In the past year, I was trying to get through one day at a time. Those two sentences are totally different. It made me realise that I must start enjoying the here and now. Not enough to just get through the day without having a bet but wake up with a smile and make plans for that day and enjoy seeing those plans through to completion and when sitting in bed at night pat yourself on the back for a good day and job well done. The people who do this, such as DMac, are shining examples of addicts enjoying life whereas I suspect the rest of us are sometimes waiting for something to happen. I won't just wake up one day and be a non-gambler. I need to work recovery.

Today, I will go for a long run. This afternoon I've got the wife's family coming over for dinner and I am in charge of starters. The homemade soup is ready and I am going to make smoked salmon cones filled with prawn cocktail. Sounds good. We will see. After dinner I will enjoy a few beers while watching some live football on T.V. In anybody's book that sounds like a good day.

I love New Year. A lot of people seem down on it around the forum stating that it is just another day and we cannot change our lives. I disagree strongly. This is a New Year. A new chance for all. I intend on making 2014 a great year full of progress and self improvement. Every year I set myself challenges and hopefully this year will see me see them through to completion. Last year I challenged myself to running a marathon and it was one of the best things I have ever done.

I wish everyone well.

Tomso.

Good on ya tomso.great attitude,you know wots best for you- it certainly aint donating your hard earned to gambling sites

Happy new year to ya,keep posting.

Day 17.

Life without gambling is definitely a lot better. Noticed this morning that I have stopped worrying about my debt and don't sit calculating sums anymore. Positive step.

Yesterday was a great day and I've got a fridge full of amazing food leftover for me to eat today.

Tomso.

Hi Tomso...

Glad to hear that the worry after your gambling has passed and that your back in positive headspace. Your thoughts remind me of my own panic after gambling binges.. I don't want to go there again.

Good point about enjoying each day rather than simply getting through each day gambling free. I hope you enjoyed your run. Running every day for 365 days would be a real challenge. Regards... S.A