reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Sandra

Not much to report which is perfect for me a good balance of life at the moment back in my normal routine, no urges stress levels up and down but only through work but used to them by now

Good morning castle,

As always thank you so much for your support. Your words means so much and are so true...i sometimes wake up from the daze and realize what reality is.

I do try to find that balance, and i believe i will one day. Can't rush this recovery. All at it's own time.

You are such a big inspiration and i am very happy i have opportunity to walk beside you towards the freedom we all deserve.

Have a lovely day off and enjoy every minute of it. I know you will.:-)

Take care

Sandra x

Hi Castle,

I read your post about coping with stress with interest, it is something that I have also struggled with over the years. For me, my employer was good and allowed me to return to my old minion grade role after trying management and finding it to be an absolute mind bender.

That wasn't for me, and may have played a role in my relapse, but I'm back to being pretty happy with things on a work level. I know what you mean about Saturdays, I still love to watch Soccer Saturday and see the goals rolling in, but it does raise some ghosts from when I used to sit there with my list of bets.

Keep up the good work, all the best.

Ryan

Thanks Sandra Ryan

Had a good long sleep sat night and felt much better for it think I needed it after a long week at work I really try not to do much more than my 39 hour contract its generally around the 42 mark but was nearer 50 last week, on my 3 day course I went on we broke managing into 3 areas, been authentic engaging and uncompromising the 1st 2 I av no issues with the 3rd one is where I need to concentrate on esp with dealing with poor performance, so since that course I have made a real effort on that front and dealt with a few matters that b4 I would have shied away from

Confidence is the main issue something as we all know gambling takes from us and is taking a while to build back up it made me feel as though I couldn't deal with others as I couldn't get my own life in order but that change is starting to pay off and feel so much better for it

Picked jess up from school on Friday and she was in tears as she had just found out her best friend was been taken out of school by her parents due to issues with her teacher this is the 2nd best friend she has lost as another moved school a few years back, as a parent governor I'm goin to speak to the headteacher as the issues they have seem all wrong I'm hoping for jess they can be sorted and her friend may not leave I would say its 50/50 at the moment

Back to work for now and looking forward to another gamble free day

Hey castle..

Always reading even if somedays I don't reply ....that confidence comes back and that I guarantee...

During all this change and upheaval you have always kept to your commitments dealing with things like your work,moving home, training courses,*** taking staff, a break up with a lady friend, looking after Jess and sorting out solicitors etc...and the best bit,,being G.free...

Just think?? ..if you did all that whilst you were climbing back up from all the heartache and stress just imagine what you can do when things are on more of a level as they are now??

R and D xxx

Hi Castle,

As always your posts makes me think twice...thanx for that.. so much true to them.

I wish you to have a good and stress free week at work and home life of course:-)

Thanx for your support

Sandra x

Hi there Mr castle hope jess's friend doesn't end up moving schools. Bit of a late reply but thanks for the post the other day. I'm looking forward to starting the thread and like you am determined to see out the new year and bring in the next in the right way. Take care.

Thanks Rachael Sandra Dave

Had a really good week esp with work seem to av got loads done, that 3 day course as done wonders for me and really putting it all into practise if I'm honest its just a confidence issue a self belief that gambling tool away for a very long time well all my adult life

The adjustment is hard the massive change in lifestyle goin from gambling pretty much every day to now where it doesn't play any part at all, still a real long way to go but the change has started the difference is there for me to see and others will see the same esp with work

Jess's friend still of school her parents haven't decided what to do yet I have tried to help out a bit with been a parent governor and give them some facts of the school and how well it is doing but its there choice at the end of the day I hope for jess she comes back

What I have found out is that some other parent who got wind of it all from the playground gossip as plastered it all over facebook and now its turned into a free for all, nothing will

ever change my view that facebook is the route of all evil.

Hey Castle ..

Glad to see that your course is paying dividends...my co manager just been on hers and also she has come back all Inspired and more confident. Sometimes it's case of taking the emotion out of work stuff and prioritising....

Did one of those questionnaires yesterday , the ones where you have different letters to grade your personality etc..I came back as a self motivator and achievement, task based employee who can be delegated to but needs autonomy..lol

The real you is re emerging by the sounds of it and it is scary bit also exciting in a good way..when you look at what's been covered up for so long it can be a surprise to find out who you are and what talents lie beneath ..I'm guessing that your training course is also helping with the school situation .

Facebook...yep it's got its pros and cons . I don't use it as much now as at one time I was an avid user. it seems these days it's more about advertising and those profound sayings that people post and what people's young kids are up to or babies .I'm linked into a old industry forum through mine as most of my f book friends are work related and I just keep an eye on current stuff...

I haven't seen that film you mentioned castle but it does sound up my street ..I shall check it out ! Xxx

R and D xx

Hi Castle,

Lovely post to read and of course i had a lot of food for thought from ur post on my diary..thank you. Like you said - we can't buy happiness...but financial situation being healthier, helps nice and relaxing things easier to achieve..

Oh dear...FB ..lol

Never fully understood it...and soon closed an account after joining 3 years ago..not my thing..too much going on there..esp if you live in small town..like me:-)

Take care and keep going strong

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra Rachael

Just to elaborate a bit more on facebook, this should really be a fantastic source of communication to keep in touch with friends and if its kept that way and used sensibly then all well and good, the downside of it is the bullying the badmouthing of others it can cause some real damage

In truth this forum is not dissimilar to facebook but with the anonymity it makes it much different though at times things have flared up and can get out of hand

Just found out jess.s friend at school is not coming back so will have the joyful task of breaking the news to her after school, that will now leave just 5 girls in her class compared to 18 boys so its goin to be tough for her goin forward but she will adapt she always does

The older we are the harder it is to adapt and adjust, that's what I have always found tough since deciding to make that change and remove gambling from my life 2 years on and its still hard but it is better the change is slow it was always goin to be

Not posted for a while but read every day on the whole feel ok but just drained of everything at the moment esp with work it seems like I am the only one who cares just no support other than my team who are already pushed to ye limits

It's a different day but the same sh#t , meat getting nicked staff off sick no support with issues that need sorting urgently , had a real off day wednesday so kept myself to myself and wasn't this normal happy person everyone expects everyday and obviously it didn't go unnoticed by staff so not good on that front

I have a few days off now and just want to shut off from it , this month some decisions are been made bout manager moves I have already put my name forward as I am more than ready for a move , 4 years nearly at my current store and in that 4years so much as happened from a work perspective a real success from a personal one I honestly don't know how I have survived and if I'm honest I think that's what drains me the most , from my marriage breaking down to admitting my gambling problem relapsing 4 times with all the stress to finally still having to work with the woman who is probably the main reason my marriage ended who told me so many lies and betrayed my trust , in whole though there is more positives than negatives but now a change is in order to finally close this chapter of my life and get that fresh start and rid myself of everything of the last 4 years

Regret just the one , not my marriage ending that was the best thing it gave me a reason to gamble and not confront my problem , not work from the day I walked in to the day I end up walking out the job I have done is amazing that store will not get a better manager and for me to say that is a statement a anybody who knows me knows that is not my style I guess that's the confidence that is there now which never was whilst gambling , admitting my problem and getting help is the hardest and bravest thing I have ever done so no regrets there , my single regret is getting involved with someone who is not mine to have the results have been devastating for so many people least not mine the remorse I have will always remain but it happened for a reason , so hopefully now the next big decision in my life will be for a good reason and I get the move I desire

The one choice I won't be making is to gamble but not only my hard earned money but also my life lessons have been learned ESP the hard way

Hey castle .

Can see the parallels there in your post and what a trip it's been and still is..

My biggest bravest move was admitting i could not cope and asking for help...

No angel either and also have got involved in situations that were not mine but also taken the backlash on the chin.

Also had thoughts of people I knew/ know when you said about "marriage giving you a reason to gamble and not confront your problems"

I know a fair few people in exactly that situation and as I've walked in your shoes I do not judge it because I understand it..

Wish I could apply the same mentality to things I do not understand but I'm getting there..progress not perfection.

Am still struggling greatly with controlled gambling as that was the unfinished argument with him before i left. Arguments since being a continuation of that and trying to be willing to not judge but it's not easy...like you all I have to keep my defences up and somedays I have slips and have no tolerance ..

Life doesn't just go away does it ? ..even on a forum.

R and D xxx

Castle,

Thanks for the post and I could have guessed you would be the first on to give me support. Your post asks all the questions I ask myself.

As for the money - yes, I gamble my money but it is still money taken away from my family. I have a sum of money, which is to see me through each month but I wouldn't be able to spend that amount if I didn't gamble. That money would then be re-distributed into my family and that eats me up.

Second of all is the time. I came home from work the other day and spend twenty minutes in the house before going to the bookies for three hours. I didn't put my kids to bed, didn't sit with the wife. Totally selfish and unacceptable.

As for triggers sometimes I don't know because I think it is all just excuses. I am moving into a house in two weeks and the mortgage still isn't sorted. The mortgage provider has made mistake after mistake including losing my application three times, issuing a formal mortgage without carrying out a valuation of the property. When I informed them of this they had to key my details again and start again. I am stressed out of my head with this. I must have made over sixty calls in the last three months and nobody seems able to help. On top of this my wife is pregnant again which wasn't planned and with three kids I need to sell my car and buy something big enough for three seats in the back on a limited budget due to the big house purchase. Life has been stressful lately but no excuse to gamble.

Sometimes I think the forum does me harm as well as good. When I spend days on end posting on my diary and others I often follow this up with a relapse.

I want to be better and want to arrest this situation because I am clever enough to know that I am no where near rock bottom. I am fed up being such a disappointment.

I told my wife weeks ago that I have a gambling problem and she disagrees strongly. She reminded me that I am compulsive with everything in life. When I train for a race I will get up at 5am every morning to go running and will train again later in the day almost to an unbelievable extent. When I start something I get into it the extent others would describe as being unhealthy. I honestly believe I just need to get a few months under my belt and I will never look back.

I have read a lot about addiction and it always seems to be as a coping mechanism or escape but I cannot work out what I am trying to escape from. My life is good. I have everything in life that people looking from the outside would describe as the results of a successful man.

Thanks for the post.

Tomso.

Hi Castle,

Just to say that you should be so proud of yourself. Life is the longest journey of them all, but still has that main road we can chose to take. It takes some difficult decisions, but we are in a driver seat and holding steering wheel. You have made loads of decisions so far, and i can honestly say they all are the right ones to better your life. Long road ahead, and you keep cruising into the right direction.

Take care and be kind to yourself

S x