reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Ian shiny Sandra

Had a good weekend worked Sat and was off yesterday and spent a full day with jess spending some good quality time with her, spent more than I would av liked though and since pay day which is under 2 weeks ago I really av spent more than I budgeted for and that doesn't sit well with me at via moment can't say really that any money has been wasted bought quite a few bits for xmas and loads of birthdays coming up, I had been nibbling away at my short term debt and nearly got it to half but that's goin to go out of the window now with xmas coming up, just need to be patient on this one and get back on track after

With my long term debt which was bout 18000 is now 15000, I was told if I paid the 150 a month it would take 10 years to pay back b4 clearing it but doin the maths it doesn't work out as they take 33 for managing my debt, so I made a phone call with my concerns and now there trying to get me on a 5 year plan still paying the same and then the rest gets wiped off, which would be great but again doesn't sit well with me as I feel I should pay back what I owe

No regrets taking the plan out though it was a tough decision but it gave me my independence back and def helped to admit my gambling problem if I hadn't my guess I would av been chasing that big win that would never av come, the downsides are mainly my credit rating is shot and will be for a long long time which is not a bad thing from a short term point of view but long term it will come back and bite me, the shame for me is the worse as I mentioned b4 were proud people and myself I never missed any payments in my life so it hurt my pride big time doin this

Who's to blame? Only me and letting gambling playing such a big part in my life for way too long, but that's in the past what's done is done and patience is the key I will keep rebuilding my life step by step till finally one day I will be debt free

Hey Castle,

'Patience is the key I will keep rebuilding my life step by step till finally one day I will be debt free'

That's the spirit my friend. we all lack patience and would like to take a fast track sometimes..but it just don't work, and the ones who wait..will get there first:-)

Take care and keep doing what you doing!!

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hey Castle ...

Keep chipping away at that figure...no matter what it's going in the right direction and that figure is getting lower.

I guessing bankruptcy wasn't an option for you either. I think if I didn't have a mortgage I would have opted for that as our debts are pretty much the same amount and my credit ratings shot to pieces anyways...

Guided by Stepchange who have been fantastic and I can honestly say without them in the last few months I think I would have seriously gone under and been able to get back up.

I know you are busy these days living life and that is fantastic..I wish I could re assimilate into society again but the truth is I don't want to...it's safer in my head..lol

My pals 8 yr old still believes in Santa which I think is great and cute. When we were kids it felt like that belief was for ever but really you get about 4 years if your lucky and then some smart a**e in the playground ruins it..

I'm still gutted over the tooth fairy!

keep on keeping on castle xxx

Thanks Rachael Sandra

Been such a full on week with work got a refit goin on and its 24 hours for 4 days this week, was off Sunday but no day off till next Friday now, this is something I'm used to part and package of my job, the end result will be worth it all, todays not too bad just goin in for a few hours to make sure all is ok and will try and do a few half days next week but whatever it will pass and it will keep me busy

Still waiting with dmp approved to an Iva which would be saying 120 a month for 5 years and that would be that which is great as I expected to pay 150 for another 8 years, still not sure how I feel on this one side of me thinks fantastic a chance to be debt free in 5 years but another side of me thinks I av cheated the system and should pay my way

All of this caused by gambling why would I want to go back to all that misery it gave me, I still av to make the right choices each day or simply that day will never come to be debt free for the 1st time ever in my life

Know what you are saying re DMP and IVA and bendingthe system. I went for a re-mortgage so that my credit record wouldnt be affected but also I thought any other way would be cheating the system.

I never intended to waste all that money gambling with credit card money but why should the credit card companies not get back what they are due... then again they shouldnt have kept increasing my limit even though I didnt request.

Difficult one but since IVA is available and part of the options then if it suits you and saves you money why not.

Hi castle,

Thanx for your message. Oh dreaded busy Christmas period starting..i am lucky to have some rest before come back in my 24 /7 joy at work lol..

Try to keep calm and on top of things. I know it's easier said than done, but aswell i know you can do it. You doing great in your recovery and should be proud!!

I hope you will soon catch up with well needed rest.

Take care

All the best

Sandra x

Thanks for supportive post Castle. And Yes I know most were expecting me to fail with my recovery route. I'm succeeding now but that's after five and a half years of recovery and taking many small steps and breaking down my gambling into different parts and dealing with and dismissing them one at a time. Just wish I could have got there faster but pleased I have got there eventually.

My main thoughts and focus now are around guilt, regret and disbelief at my behaviour and actions. Have you got past that stage?

Thanks Sandra captain

Captain fully agree with how u av handled ur recovery by analysing breaking it all down to get the answers, that took 5and half years I'm on 2 now goin well but still think I av a long way to go for me its be prepared for the unexpected, time will tell on this one

To answer ur question which I av gave a great deal of thought to, with the regret is mainly financial loan after loan for 26 years, splitting from my ex was the critical point it gave me the opportunity to spiral out of control with gambling out of the 26 years that was by far the worst one but I honestly think I had to go through that to make me realise the problem I had which I had denied for so many years so I guess another regret is staying in a relationship for so long that I didn't want to be in but of course my beautiful daughter Jessica would not be here, who knows what would av been though if decisions had been made earlier

The guilt is not too bad of course the lies I'm not proud of but it only really affected myself like I said from a financial side I always had money no one went without but the debt just rose and rose until of course it became unmanageable and had to go through a dmp

The one thing it does give me though is to be debt free for the 1st time in my life and that's the motivation now something I desire and want, I know for sure gambling is not the answer and that took a while to sink in as I know there is a chance money can be won at any given time but I also know the long term damage will be disastrous

In truth I do miss gambling from the excitemet part it was my whole life for so long and the adjustment is so difficult but the one thing out of everything I love the freedom my brain has to think and see things differently and that has to be another regret that for so long all I thought bout was gambling nothing else and that drained me the counting of money constantly in my head trying to do other things like watch a film but thinking a horse is running in an hour or the football starts soon

I like my new life yes its hard but its what I want I truthfully don't want gambling in my life anymore there is gaps to be filled but that will take time and patience is needed

I want that better life

Hi Castle... I think your managing your debts really well. You've already made a big dent in them and you continue to deal with them rather than bury your head in the sand.

My debt levels were only slightly higher than yours and eventually after much self admonishment and angst and guilty feelings and years of struggle I took the advice of professional people and went bankcrupt and made a fresh start. It was the best thing for me.

I am not suggesting you do the same because you don't need to.. but do pat yourself on the back for progress made. As Rach says, keep chipping away...and making agreements that suits you. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks S,A

Finally a day off after working 12 days straight through and doin hours on end, the results at work though make it worthwhile and put us in a great position goin forward

Still managed to log on every day and read a few posts and that's become an acceptance I'm very mindful of staying away from here could leave me wide open to complacency a learning from my 1st ever relapse , as much as I want a normal life which is getting there I know I always need to remember what can happen if I let my guard down, this is something I couldn't accept b4 I wanted to recover and one day leave this site and forget my past now I understand that will never happen I need to read posts of what gambling can do to u the affect it can av on others even if its just a gentle reminder every few days to keep me focussed,

No urges of course the last few weeks and that's as my routine has not changed just work and jess with an odd night out, hopefully got a week off in December which is greatfor the rest but not the routine the urges will come but they will also go

Just simply av to make the right choices

Castle please keep up th daily post and enjoy your days off. I too need to keep reading these posts to guard against complacency much love strange x

Hey Castle,

Thanx for dropping by this morning and sorry to hear you had such a busy period at work. i hope you can get some well deserved rest soon.

As of this forum, strangely enough near enough every post mentioning getting too dependent on this site. I see it as a great cure in my recovery, as Duns says - daily medicine. there are fantastic souls on here and i enjoy catching up with others. Of course i find it hard to pull away too, but it's not doing any harm, i don't think i will ever be cured, and if i get less active when time comes i'm sure i will be checking in regularly anyway.

I made a choice to change my life, and without this site and people on here i wouldn't of done it.

Please look after yourself and stay strong!!

Take care

Sandra x

Hey Castle..

I can tell you've been on a management course as your using the words "going forward" lol :-))

I think your rebirth on the 4th of July was a pivotal time and since then you have gone from strength to strength not just in your personal life but in your working life too.

Your confidence shines through..

You made the right choice and you keep making it. From the time I have been on the site I have seen how gambling has masked great unhappiness in personal relationships and you seem so much lighter in your posts..no weight of the world on your shoulders .

I think for a good part of 2013 we were both carrying a hemisphere each!!! Lol

I have a good feeling about this Xmas Castle, not in an hyped up way..just a normal time like normal people have.

To me ,and to you I know this is a big achievement after all that's happened.

Keep popping in and reading .. Sharing your thoughts is not doing any harm . We could all be out there doing a lot worse things to ourselves but here we can always come " cyber home "

R and D xxx

Thanks strange Sandra Rachael

Had a few urges at the weekend av a go on the football mainly due to my routine changing, I had to finish work early Sat to take jess to a dance festival where she was performing that night but had to be dropped off for 3 for practise her show wasn't till half seven so had unplanned time to kill. In the end they passed and didn't act on them , having the knowledge of a previous relapse that started with a 5 pound controlled bet on a Sat with the view of it been a weekly bet but that soon spiralled out of control, my problem is I can't walk into a betting shop place a bet walk out win or lose the results would be disastrous and the same applies to the internet my compulsive nature won't allow me to stop so I can't win the only way I can win is not to place the bet in the 1st place

The urges continued to the next day as well but it was a busy day had jess all day with her friend coming round so it was full on, I still love football so there's always a keen interest in the matches and Sun man city were playing Tottenham which man city always win so there was a huge urge with that one and of course they won but it didn't bother me as again placing that 1st bet would be disastrous I did smile to myself when I saw the man united score when Cardiff scored in the last min as that would av been a match I would av backed united then my thoughts went out to the people who would av been waiting on that one result for a fortune for it cruely to be took from them for me the worst lows of gambling that was my money and I had to win it back and of course lost even more chasing, those days I really don't miss so I'm quite happy to get the urges and pass on them I know where it will lead to as always I except one day a given situation and I could succumb but the tools are all here just av to swallow my pride and admit it and get back on track

Jess did really well in her show it was only a 5 min set with another ten doin performances but just to be there for her is so important for her and me

Last pay day b4 xmas so short term debt is not goin anywhere done quite a bit for jess already, need to stay patient with the debt and start to bring it back down after xmas

Gambling won't achieve me anything other than misery I just need to make the right choices each day, some days are really easy now and there's really no choice to make but the dangers and pitfalls will always be there

I never want to forget who I can become and I will always be thankful for this amazing site to keep me in check

Hey Castle

Believe it or not I can identify with your post a lot except replace the word bet with start a " relationship"..I also know the minute I walk through that door it will spiral into disaster.

It will start with a date then I will be moving in...lol..I am a romance J****E!

I guess this is why I am irritated by my lodger as he is doing the same thing.

This time of year is also hard for me with seeing people loved up and soppy but I have to avoid the urges to pick up unhealthy habits again just as a distraction or reward from keeping a good routine.

Trouble is getting involved that way will totally wipe all all the good work I have done thus far..

It sounds extreme to some just I guess just as people would think its extreme not to have a bet on the national but to people like us who have been damaged so greatly by making the wrong choices on our respective paths it is what we have to do to keep well and keep the other parts of our life above water.

We have to learn other healthy ways to reward ourselves for being good and to relieve stress. The opposite s*x for me being my weak area.

R and D

Xxxx