reborn on the 4th July

Nodding nodding to others...

I must confess ....i bought maybe 2 scrachcards in my abstinence...they just don't trigger my online habit, and it ends where it starts.

You see, i think we are stronger mentally towards the evil, and you are doing right thing so far and only you know there your limits are and how far you can let yourself go. I know you are stronger than it might sound 🙂

Doing well castle, always next by your side

S x

Castle

Fella for me the greatest thing to come out of recovery for many is honesty, from it great things can be achieved.

As I said and will continue to say recovery is bespoke, for me if you are true to yours then nobody will judge you, it is a polar difference to the life I lived for too long, one in which i lied about my gambling, either through the shame of the grip it had on me or the fact I did not want to be viewed as a loser.

Please don't be ashamed of your recent post, surely it defines you and your recovery, as I said it is your choice to live with controlled gambling, you had the courage to be honest, continue with that.

You don't need to justify your actions to me my friend, my support is unconditional.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Castle,

U stood by me when a lot of ppl never that I will never 4get. I will always support u unconditionally, it takes a lot of strength 2 be honest. Recovery is different 4 each of us, if it works 4 u keep doing wot ur doing. I'm always here 4 u 🙂

Did Jessica have a nice Christmas? I'm sure there was lots of smiles and memories 2 treasure:)

Happy new yr Castle xx

Castle,

You are doing a great job with your recovery. A blind person could see the progress you have made.

Take care.

Tomso.

Thanks everyone

Needed a few days off here to take stock of my situation. I took the time to think bout my recovery and what is best for me goin forward

Well over 2 years into my recovery and from where I was gambling every day no home 20k of debt to my current situation of a nice flat and my debt halved, in that time I have suffered 4 big relapses each time looking at the reasons why learning more bout myself than I ever knew, whilst rebuilding my life goin through a very stressful divorce messed up in a work relationship that was goin nowhere which at times made me weak and the relapses happened, I know when the urges will come when my routine is broken, xmas is always goin to be a tough time of the year, I have no family support no partner to help me all my finances I sort myself every decision I have had to make has been mine and I lived with the consequences and overall I have done a pretty good job, I look at the person I am today and the person I was I am so strong I know my direction in life I won't let anything or anyone affect that

The only way I could achieve this was by changing my lifestyle and removing gambling from my life which in my eyes I have I know I can't ever step into a bookmaker again or open an online account and that is the decision I am faced with everyday the urges will always be there but I do know when they will be there

This is what is drummed into my head now and is what my recovery is all bout as we say bespoke no right or wrong and others deal with theirs differently, my recent admittance bout lottery scratchcard fruit machine has caused me to question myself and my place on this site, in truth I didn't see it has gambling which I now ask why as of course it is maybe due to my tunnel vision of my recovery is my answer the sole concentration on that didn't allow me to see any different, yes it works for me but not for others and rightly so but am I blinkered of the dangers that lie ahead in my opinion no from an outside point of view yes it gives me much to think bout

Another question I am asking myself is how can I post on other diaries now esp newcomers and give support and advice explaining the dangers of gambling when I still let it play a very small part in my life and that's something I'm not sure I can do. Eyes I have gone from castle to whom appeared to have no gambling in his life to castle who still lets gambling play a part in life and for me that has lost me the respect of this site

Maybe my work here is done I know for me it saved my life I needed it more than I ever imagined and I made full use of it, yes I openly admit I don't need it as much I use it less than I did but in a way I guess from my recovery that's a good thing supporting others also played a big part but now that's goin to prove difficult

Its a new year a new start and maybe now is the time to start afresh , I know the dangers goin forward without this site and it could well be the worse decision I could ever make or it could just be the best

All I do know out of this its made me stronger given me a determination to keep driving for that better life for me at the moment if that changes I'm big enough to do the right thing and get help and support

this is not a final farewell I still need to think things through for now I wish everyone a happy new year

Yo,

I read your post with interest. Nodded along with how far you have come , and agree with how your strength and determination has grown through out some pretty tough things in your life . A life which is still full of stress but with the tools you have gained you are in a far better place to deal with it all .

I can see your point of view about posting in light of your views about the lottery and scratch cards . But disagree that for that reason you should not post .

Post if you want , we all have something to bring to the table , and no one person or their views on recovery is worth more than another .

We are not here to judge , but at the same time we should not judge ourselves, our options, or our recovery against others. As I believe this can only have a negative effect on our own recovery , and any negativity we feel about ourselves , gives our addictions a glimmer of hope that it can creep back into our lives.

As you know I rarely post , and if I do it is usually to the circle of people I have been on my journey with since my early days on this site.

Ultimately you need to do what's best for you . What you feel comfortable with , what you believe continues to help you create a greater distance between you and having a bet .

With all that said , I wish you well my friend , and all the best for 2014 . A year I hope which will see us both from strength to strength .

Shiny xx

Castle,

I echo what Shiny has said. You have come a long way. I hear everyone mention how recovery is bespoke these days so it is also bespoke for you. You have your own thoughts and methods and they are working for you.

From a personal point of view and bearing in mind we have always been a little similar - our issue is with the badness that goes on inside the bookies and online in the pretend bookies. Bad stuff happens to us in there so we can not go in. I don't think there is any problem with buying a lottery ticket in the corner shop with your newspaper. Never been a problem before. Personally, I don't buy lottery tickets but wouldn't have a problem doing so. My wife buys a ticket and I check her numbers as if they were mine. We don't expect to win the lottery so don't suffer from the near miss that sends you out to recuperate our losses. Totally different in my mind but that is just my opinion.

You are one of the finest examples on this site for what can happen when you work hard at recovery and your diary. You continue to do amazingly well. I wouldn't accept you or anyone else questioning your recovery. You are turning your life around and continue to come through some very difficult and challenging times in your life. Many new people on here don't know you the way I, Shiny, Dmac etc know you. We remember how difficult your life was when you first posted. Most people would have crumbled. You didn't.

Tomso.

Hey castle,

You was first person to welcome me in this better new world, and stayed by my side since. Your posts of encouragment gave me so much belief and determination. I really hope you will stick around and share your journey with us.

Thank you so much for your support so far. Really means a lot 🙂

Have a lovely start of New Year and shall 2014 brings all the joy and happiness into your life !!

Take care

Sandra x

Castle

Fella whatever recovery path you choose I hope it works for you.

In early October I tried to walk away from this site, why?

Because I felt that my opinions were not befitting to the forum. That the forum trivialized some forms of gambling and for me it caused rage and unnecessary anger.

For me I can't buy a scrathcard, play the lottery and fruit machines is where I schooled my gambling, if I gamble in any form it breeds acceptance and like many times in my gambling life it would end in gambling taking over my life.

So I stop posting, reading and low and behold less than a month on went back at it.

For you castle things may be different, dazzler has posted twice recently to share his continued total abstinence, he does not use the forum in my mind because he needs it, he posted to share his recovery, inspiring proof it can be achieved.

For you, you may continue with your controlled gambling away from the forum and each the same success.

Bottom line is do what works for you.

Recovery today I know is about what works for you.

You have been honest about your continued gambling and nobody has judged you, it is your journey.

For me I learnt a great lesson when I gifted my recovery back to my addiction.

For me in my life gambling a single penny is totally unacceptable I know where it leads, I am fully committed to my recovery and will continue to use all the things I gave at my disposal to ensure that happens, I have the courage of my own belief.

You fella tread a different path, gambling exists in your life without the destruction, you found the honesty and courage to make it transparent, you accepted your own recovery path.

I hope you make a continued choice that continues to allow you to do so.

Regards duncan.

Thanks guys

A massive thanks to all the advice its much appreciated its really helped me come to a decision

I will keep it simple when I 1st joined this site I was at a loss didn't know which way to turn like many now my life been torn apart by gambling, my life is now different I worked hard at my recovery and the rewards are there to see, my journey is not complete and there's still work to be done , the way this site helped me was by supporting and giving advice on gambling destroying lives which I still believe it does if you make that choice and carry on and don't make any changes, for me after 4 relapses I made the changes and found what worked for me, but what works for me now is not goin to help others where I was over 2 years ago and feel it would be hypocritical to give advice on the affects gambling can have when I let it play a very small part in my life

Going forward for me I will carrying on reading and post when I feel the need to, I am hoping it will just be on days of importance in my recovery, however I am not naive and certainly not stupid enough to think if I made the wrong decision to come back and get the support but for me then I will reassess my views and can say I was wrong and it didn't work

I thank everyone for their support and wish you all the best for 2014

Hey Castle,

Really pleased to see you are heading to the more open path in your recovery. I know you will be fine, and will touch the base now and again :-))

You helped so many people on here, and just think how many of us thought about our choices twice after ur posts then urges hit? How many people you have saved from making wrong decision....I know you helped me and dragged me out more than once and I will always be thankful my friend. Real inspiration, huge heart and never ending belief.

I salute you my friend!!!

Touch the base now and again, would like to hear how your journey carries on to the new better future...and of course little more inspiring stories about spare time you gift to little Jess and future X factor debates ;-))

All the best!!!

Sandra x

P.s.i am sticking by this site lol...how many times I tried to pull away??? Gemini - tricky ppl with many emotions and changes haha

Castle,

There must be something in the water south of the border at the moment because everyone and their dog seems to be questioning their place on this forum at the moment.

For me, this forum is not directly about zero tolerance gambling it is about a collection of people who found it through gambling making their lives unmanageable. Your life is no longer unmanageable. You are one of the success stories. A work in progress but a one with great promise and potential.

We both read and post on Captains's diary. He openly admits to gambling 10k per year on sports betting. He also believes that his life is far more manageable now than it was when he was random gambling. Who are we to disagree. It is all about finding inner peace and calm, which is a million miles away from how we are when we first arrive here.

Don't feel like you are no longer a good example because you buy a scratchcard. Today, yesterday and for months and months previous you have tamed your gambling demon and overcome the problems it once posed. You are a fine example. I don't concern myself with how people get to where they get to as long as they are happier than they were.

I've never bought a scratchcard. It doesn't offer me any excitement. I don't buy lottery tickets for the same reason. If they took roulette machines out of the bookies I could probably place football bets without any problem whatsoever. I am all or nothing. Gambling has caused me nothing but heartache in recent years so I choose to eliminate it from my life completely. That is my choice. Others may choose differently but who am I or who is anyone else to question how individuals go about their recovery if that person displays levels of happiness, self pride and long term consistency in their lives. Sadly, I read diaries from people who have long term abstinence under their belt yet they are still miserable and see no great future for themselves. You have put a few quid in a fruit machine yet display excitement at your future and happiness with your development.

Finally, you have probably been the first to post on hundreds of diaries on this forum including my own. Your words and advice is invaluable. You are a massive contributor to this forum. Don't stop contributing and don't question how far you have come in your recovery.

Tomso.

Castle

just caught up with recent posts. It doesn't appear that your participation in lottery, scratchcards, fruit machines has caused your recovery to go in a backward direction. You already know my views on this - I don't consider any of this to be in the category of problem or compulsive gambling from my own experience. But everyone is different. Any activity which someone participates in which causes their behaviour to change and/or leads them into an out of control situation financially needs to be addressed.

Your recovery is going fantastic. The activity you describe has not had a negative impact on you. Full stop.

As regards frequency and time spent on this Forum, I think we all need to be selfish. Post as much or as little as is best for you.

Hi castle ..

If it doesn't hurt you or anyone else then it's no ones business but yours xxxx

Hiya castle, sorry its late but merry christmas and happy new year. With regards to the site you just gotta find the right balance and do whats best for you, try different things if you feel there not working try something else. I do wanna thank you for all your support in 2013, you've been a massive help to me in my years on here (cant believe its been years) the help and support you have given has been such a big help. I hope that 2014 can be your year mate.