reborn on the 4th July

Thanks Shel

Highly frustrated with this site today has spent an hour on a post this morning for it only to not go through then continued to do another try but a more watered down version only for it to fail again , I quickly noticed there was a problem for everyone trying to post so gave up and come off

Been off today as put a holiday day in as worked last week when off , Not done a lot watched a film and just listened to music , no urges to gamble and feel the strongest I have for long time , I always say I can never beat gambling but it will never beat me my worst days are behind me , I won't let it take anymore from me it's my turn in life to shine and I won't let this opportunity go

Hi castle,

Finished work at 230 shot back to pick little legs up from school, home for an hour so time for quick coffee and run iron over boys kit for tonight. Then back home to cook them dinner before I'm back at work for couple hours at 8

I honestly don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my a**!! Lol

My mind is all over the place when I get time to myself. Ever had a conversation or done something then days later you think d**n it should have said or done that.

One really important thing I needed to sort with solicitor and court mediator and I blooming well forgot. Few other bits going on in the background - like you I find this forum great but away from it there's no one I can chat to who knows what it's like. I've got amazing friends but what do they know about being married to a gambler?

Sometimes I wish someone would say " oi shel you just have to do this or that, now get it done" everyone who knew about my husband told me I was never going to be safe or happy while I was with him. Everybody told me I was a mug to give him so many chances but no one told me what to do next. Just a " well done about time too"

Ive spent my whole life independent with only myself to rely on for anything.

How nice would it be for someone to just take over for a bit lol

A girl can dream lol

Glad you've had a chilling day. Wish I'd have known you were off you could have done some of my house calls lol

Shel

.

Castle

Feel free to pick away at my brain. Although you may want to reconsider. After all you have read my typing. Good job I hand write med notes isn't it lol

I think the cat being served for tea tickled a few people lol

Having sad that I was doing a kids crossword this morning and o*g. Something else I'll pass on to when possible. I'm actually starting to create a list

Off to handsworth now. Don't ya just love running a taxi service!

Shel

castle

Fella thanks for the kind words you wrote upon my thread,I am truly humbled by them and inspired to boot.

For me the relentless pursuit of recovery leads down many paths,one of those important paths is that for the innocent victims of this all consuming addiction,for me they are the ones who deserve all the praise and help because in the main they just gifted there unconditional love and in return it simply got gambled against.

I did that for twenty years with my own beloved Sarah's unconditional love,she never gave up on me,always forgave and never questioned the insane selfish actions I let hamper much of our life together.

Today I fully understand what my gambling did,financially and more importantly emotionally,many times she stood next to me whilst I fed our hard earned into a 500 jackpot dream breaker,crying,broken whilst I simply zoned out,feeding my own selfish desires to gamble.

I isolated myself from the world for too many years through those actions,today in recovery I simply want to gift back the gift it gives

LIFE

my friend it is great to see you embrace your own recovery,in truth I was gutted when you left the forum after admitting you 'gamble' on areas which don't have the same destructive effect as the ones you are here to arrest.

As I said then and will today,if you gamble it won't effect my life,my recovery,it is something you do not need to justify,I respected your honesty in admitting to your own thoughts,in fact they helped me greatly,because for me any gambling in any form is simply not an option,but that is me and you are your own man.

The biggest thing to come from true recovery for me is honesty,not to judge others but to learn to accept everyone is different.

Our paths converge on a common goal,we both share the desire to not let gambling destruct our inner selves.

Keep doing whatever helps you to forfill that my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Shel Duncan

To be honest Duncan since my return I haven't gambled on anything since my last slip , yes the lottery scratch cards and the odd quid in a fruit machine are not my demons but learnings again were made from my slip and I have made more of a conscious effort on that front if that as had an impact I'm not really sure , I know I wii only be as good as my last bet however long that maybe

Read a really interesting article in the paper today claiming after research that compulsive gamblers are indeed born with this gene and I have to agree that is something I would go along with , that's why sone people can have a bet and not let them affect them the same way it does me , again why there is no cure something that will lie deep waiting for that first punt to be placed and the addiction will rise again , this I accept I now understand I can't make that bet or the destruction will start my learnings from relapses tell me that the impact is much less every time but it still doesn't make it right

I do have choices every day even on the bad days when life tests me to the limit , I am the only one who can make them and I'm determined to make the right one

Morning Castle,

I guess it's probably afternoon there. You were one of the first to reach out to me almost two years ago. Not sure why we haven't written. At one point I think we both took some time off of the diaries. When I am feeling contemplative I like to stick to my own thread. In the third I am more introverted. I enjoy one to one conversations. Anyway, not sure if I'm explaining myself correctly but, when I am quiet it usually means I am feeling self conscious and not wanting to say or do the wrong thing I tend to just stay on my own side of the fence. I have always had the utmost respect for you my friend and will never forget your kindness. "YO, Keep on keeping on", as our Shiny friend used to say.

-joanxxx

Thanks Joan

Yes I miss that yo from shiny and miss her presence even more she had an amazing impact on my recovery something I will always be thankful for I take heart knowing she's doing well

Had a reasonable day at work in truth wasn't looking forward to going in which is not like me but once there i was ok

Back on at 6 in morning so watch football then off to bed , no thoughts of gambling in the zone at the moment

Long may it continue , still one day at a time

Evening

No I didn't get caught in any traffic I head out of handsworth via Aston way so thankfully no where near. Maybe they're digging up the roads again as not heard owt on peak or Hallam about an accident.

Pun about car unintentional but it's lucky not to have been turned into a coke can after today.

Needless to say I will not be watching any football this evening. If I'm gonna waste 90 mins of my life I'll stick a naff film on lol

I wanna go see 22 jump street and the mrs browns boys film that's due out. Love a good giggle with mr b and her boys and mr Tatum is always good for eye candy lol

Feeling penniless this eve after having to pay for boys upcoming European championships in July. Thank god England are hosting this year. Couldn't do the flights as well. Still they are worth every penny but I think my poor bank acc is crying - least I can see where all my money goes

Enjoy the kick about on the box tonight. I do prefer a real match tho, that's why I'm a rugby fan :-))

Shel

Have u ever watched The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock. Amazing film, if you haven't I can highly recommend it. It's kind of a mixture of sport, over coming adversity, prejudice and very well written and portrayed.

One of my favourite movies in recent years

Shel

Hiya

Thank u got the link. Yes it worked just fine:-)

Hope you've had a good day. My day been a good one just exhausting.

My car escaped me kicking it and went back on the garage. I'll save that keg swing if the mechanic don't sort this on going problem out

Since being on this forum many people have commented on my ability to support other CGs considering what's happened in our lives.

One if the courses I've been on recently pointed out that when attending to someone with a disability we have to look at the person not the disability

I guess I'm the same here. I hear the words of the person and not their issue.

There are a few diaries who I really struggle with as I'm yet to work out if they're genuine and until I am sure I steer clear.

That's me sat watching boys til 7 then home to pretend to be a domestic goddess cooking cleaning and making sure 2 sweaty rug rats have washed behind their ears lol

Enjoy the footy. I've promised the boys if they eat their tea shower and hair wash with no messing they can stop up and watch first half 🙂

Shel

Hi Castle,

Sorry to post at such a tough point, but a very positive aspect is that you are still gamble free, and not even considering the prospect.

Shame about England tonight, between the two games they probably deserved something more than two defeats, but that's the way it goes I guess. Still a glimmer of hope, but just the faintest glimmer.

Hope all's well with you

Ryan

Thanks Shel Ryan

I think that's a great way of looking at it as long as the person recognises they have something wrong with them and not facing up to it , also taking the medicine to get better helps but others think their not ill , you have a heart of gold there's not many as forgiving as you are and like I always say no one could blame you

Well England near has d**n it out only a miracle , only the bookies will be happy tonight with all the patriot bets , for myself I have given you enough over the years

So no more for me thank you !!

Even with my own husband I saw the person and the gambling as 2 seperate issues. The more often it happened the more the 2 became one. When I saw them both as the same thing that was my breaking point. I'll probably get shot for saying but I've seen addiction. I work with ex addicts sometimes. Either drug or alcohol - I don't now believe gambling is an addiction. I truly believe my ex's type of gambling was a sane calculated life choice. Purely because of the way he went about it.

Everything was planned with precision. The deceit would start with applying for loans thro banks or credit cards. Even taking the time to open new accounts at different addresses

An addiction has to be fed there and then. Not think about it organise it then do it a few weeks later. Over 15 years I've never ever heard of a win either. Only the losses.

I've forgiven way too much. Not just the gambling but all the other trouble he got up to online. I need to learn to forgive myself for being a fool for too long

I deserve to be happy I deserve to be safe and I definitely deserve to be an equal

I'm not at all convince this latest protest of recovery that he's now claiming is serious. Maybe it is this week. The longest he's gone without is about 18 months. So in about 5 years if he's still doing the right thing by the kids then I'll start to chill a bit.

As soon as gc get round to forwarding you email add I'd like to ask your advice re divorce as I remember you going thro yours. I felt drained just by reading it.

But u got thro it - I'm just desperate for mine to be done and dusted.

Shel

Thank you

Afternoon

Training schedule changed now so more fri night rush. I get Fridays off now with them lol every other night in the week they now train. I'm spending the next couple of hours cutting the grass - lovely lawns but they're on a hill 🙁

It's a good work out! The boys like the lawns nice and short so they can somersault on them and I like a nice stripe in the grass. A little OCD about it lol

Another punishing weekend at work but I've got most of next week off so it's a fair trade. I might actually find time to get back in the pool. I've missed my swimming this week

As for Colin firth - he had to be in the right place in his head first, I'm guessing his family had always come first and they took him for granted judging by their reaction at Xmas. We all get to that moment I'm sure where just for once we have to bite the bullet take that leap of faith and do something for ourselves. In happiness projects outta happiness and those around us that truly matter will be happy for us. If you get my drift. Sounded right in my head anyway lol

Lawnmower waiting

Chat soon

Shel