reborn on the 4th July

I would be lying if I said life is all rosy to be honest it's one big struggle at this moment in time

A few months back my life was normal ticking along quite nicely and it changed massively which looked like for the better the final piece of the jigsaw of my life I had found , my life went from busy with work and jess to a mind blowing full on , the positives were not one urge for gambling my mind literally had no time to think , in the end it was just too much to handle , been on my own for four years every decision I had made was for me and jess to better our lives I had learned to fight for everything , the change was too big too fast

My heart of hearts and gut instinct tells me it was right to go back to just me and jess but it doesn't stop me thinking what could have been and that is a bitter hard pill to take at this moment in time

The reality is I'm a compulsive gambler who has the ability to bring destruction to my life and possibly others and that's something I wasn't prepared to do especially to people who have suffered so much to the affects of gambling , for now the only destruction I have brought is to my own , jess has never missed out on anything and never will she is my complete drive and focus in life and always will be whilst she is dependant on me , maybe in a few years that will change she will start to grow up and not need me as much and I can start to refocus on my own life , Im simply better off on my own

Writing this it just shows the destruction of 26 years of gambling has brought and I don't think anyone can start to understand the impact mentally that has had , it's isolated me from too much of life made me feel worthless and not deserving of happiness

So yes life is tough at the moment the reality is I could have had it all but didn't want it and feel I have gone backwards a few steps , but I have always liked a good fight and that I will I don't know how not too

Hi Castle ..

Just a very short post as you have been on my mind.

I think from your posts you may have gone down a similar path to the one I went down.

My mistake was I thought I could run before I could walk.

The positive was that when tested I chose my own recovery and not so long ago I would have not.

I hope that this makes sense ..." Love thy neighbour yet not pull down your hedge "

Rachel xxx from over the hedge ;-

Hi castle,

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time, stress and turbulent times in life can be triggers for what brought us here in the first place. The important thing is to keep the focus on what we want for us and those we love, and not to vent that stress through gambling.

Life tests us in many ways, I hope what I've come to learn is that giving in to gambling is not the way to deal with any kind of test. You know you have so much to live for and to work for with your daughter, keep trying and striving for her.

Ryan

Hi castle

Keep pushing through these tough days and carry on

Onwards and forwards.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks rach Ryan and Suzanne

Great to hear from you rach as always you make so much sense

Still feeling vulnerable so putting a few steps in place , I have applied to open up another account to transfer my savings into and then giving the card for someone to keep , with Xmas coming up I feel the need to protect myself in case of giving in to the endless urges

Life is still one big battle , really back to basics one day at a time and drawing from every experience I have learned from this wonderful site

Making full use of this forum and using the strength and belief it brings to put into my own recovery , I can't remember the last day I did not use this site even the weeks and sometimes months I didn't post I would always find the time to read a few posts , sometimes inspired and other times I much needed reminder where gambling can truly take me

Still one day at a time to better my future for me and jess

Morning castle,

Good to see you posting.

One day at a time to a much better life sounds good.

Onwards and forwards

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne

Frustrating day yesterday , went to a new bank to open a basic account , I explained my situation with my iva which at first they were fine with , after going through the application I was told a savings account would be better for what I wanted it for which I agreed but reminded her I'm only allowed a basic account but that would be fine as I just wanted another account to save some money , sorry can't help you was the response I had even agreed to put 500 in that day and add to that each month but it got me nowhere so I left with no account , for me it's frustrating I couldn't see what the risk was for them but accepted their decision again though a reminder of my past , the iva has so many positives and negatives , the main positive is I will be completely debt free in 4 years no means of any credit will be given to me in that time and for me that is only a good thing , the negatives are glaringly obvious no one will touch me with. Barge pole , overall for me it's just a reminder of my past yes I did wrong and now want to put things right and no one is really going to help that much , I can't blame anyone else but myself and I'm the only one who can help me

Again looking at the big picture I'm in a good place so that I'm thankful for , whilst I'm still feeling not at my full strength I'm going to draw money I need weekly out and give my bank card to someone I can trust , for me it's not ideal as this is a mental battle and if I want to gamble I will but for now I will draw from all my knowledge of 3 years of recovery and keep fighting with everything I have

You're not alone Castle so dont let the banks get you down..Im the same boat as you as my credit rating is shot due to a CCJ and late payments.

I had to take a job with a lower salary ( from nearly 30k with company car to 18k with same overheads) to be able to get out and come home so it meant me taking advice from stepchange.

I have gone from an excellent credit rating to where I can only get a basic bank account with no overdraft and also I cannot switch mortgage lenders as no one will touch me with a 3k CCJ despite over half the property bought and paid for.

When my fixed term runs out I have to stay with the same lender as no high st lender will touch me with a barge pole.! ..Im a mortgage leper ! lol

What shocked me the most was that even a few years ago Mortgage companies were happy to switch from a repayment to interest only if you needed with no penalty.

After me breaking down crying in the bank 3 years ago from exhaustion i was "allowed " to go on interest only for a mere 3 months which is classed as "arrears" and again affects my defunct credit rating. I now pay back an extra 50 a month with interest to clear this arrears and I have never once missed or paid late a mortgage payment or priority debt such as c/ tax.

Under the terms of my mortgage Im also not allowed to rent my home out with a CCJ so cannot make back lump sums in rent to pay off debt fast. The most I can do is rent out a room which is what I do.

Also certain employers will not employ you with a poor credit rating if you go for a new job where money is handled as no matter what the circumstances of the debt , you are deemed untrustworthy or irresponssible. Banking particularly discriminate in this way but the USA is worse when it comes to employment with poor credit rating I believe.

So the upshot is try not to beat yourself up for a past deed . I do this a lot which is why im always angry and it just gets me no where. I know some days it feels like your blacklisted for a mistake you made and are now being punished for eternity! ..lol

I only have myself to blame too as no one had a gun to my head to be with the ex, ..like you my friend, at least on our own we have a way to stabilse.

Keep safe and strong and your not alone Castle .xx The past is done and all we can do is secure our futures. 4 years and you will be in a good place and wiser to boot. Neither of us can afford on any level to derail or be pulled off course and thats why our recovery has to be prioirty number 1....with that in place everything else will fall in line .

Rachel xxxx

Thanks Rachael

I know I'm not alone in this and can't change the past all we can do is keep taking steps forward

Went out for a few beers last night with some friends who are a couple well by the end of the night they had fell out big time which became awkward to say the least , in the end one of them came home with me and slept on the sofa crying herself to sleep , out of this firstly it just confirms for me that at this moment in time I'm so much better on my own and not have to deal with all the stresses of a relationship , secondly my space was invaded and ended up dealing with something I wasn't responsible for

As a person I am changing normally I would put her feelings first and tried to help the situation but I know I need to put myself first something I should do more often and will

Hi castle,

Just coming by to thank you for your support. Glad to read things are falling back into places where you are comfortable with yourself.

Take it steady and keep up the good work. Life is for living, and no pain or misery is welcome in it anymore.

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra

Was great to see jeff hit is 5 year mark of no gambling that is some going and one hell of an achievement , it gives me great hope for the future

The reality of it all is other than jeff and a few others I know very few who have abstained and maintained without a relapse , in my 3 years of this site I compare that to the hundreds of diaries started and left within a few posts presumably not ready to fight this addiction , some start leave then comeback and start a new diary , others like myself have one diary relapse comeback , ultimately there is no right and wrong recovery is bespoke what it does tell me is what we are dealing with is a truly awful addiction

All the good people of this forum keep fighting it's the one thing we all can do and all can live better lives from the ones we had when we admitted our addiction

Hi castle,

You are an inspiration to us all on this forum, with your sensitivity and honesty, be very proud of yourself, because you deserve no less.

This is a horrible addiction, but we are all fighting it in all our own ways, you are doing great to keep going.

We can be selfish with our recovery, because without recovery our loved ones will suffer,.

Stay strong and keep fighting,

Suzanne xx

Hi Castle

Thanks for the post always good to hear from you.

Suzanne is right,you should be proud of yourself.Its great you can find the time to help someone out in their hour of need.A huge well done from me.All the best Jeff.

Hi Castle

You are right, there isn't one way to defeat this. I am one of those you mentioned who relapsed several times, and as my original diary had so many failures in it, I decided to put it aside and start a fresh one.

The important thing is to be actively dealing with the gambling problem, and you have done so much to get things in order and to be on the right track.

Keep your guard up,

Ryan