reborn on the 4th July

Hey castles. as Lucy says, grats for getting straight back here. It's happened and I imagine that every single one of us will understand the feeling having fallen on stony ground from time to time.

As dunc says - moving forward never backwards

J

Hey Buddy,

It takes a lot of strength and courage to get back on here straight away and I have the utmost respect for you. Staying strong in the most trying of times is one of many tests and I have every belief you will continue to be a real inspiration to me and many others.

Flagg

Hi Castle,

Sorry to hear of your slip but so, so glad that you came back in what seems an even more determined mood than before. I too have been teetering on the brink these last few days and again because I know that I have a pretty expensive time coming up and am struggling to see how I am going to afford everything without leaving myself severely short.. so of course, in my mind I think I can win it!

I guess what’s keeping me going is knowing that I will only ever lose.. regardless. But it doesn’t stop me having these thoughts or indeed even trying to log into sites that I know full well I am excluded from! What I am saying is that it could so easily have been me talking about a relapse and I am thankful that once again the blockers have done their job... or I am sure I would have succumbed too!

I can understand you feeling disappointed, but really Castle, you have come such a long, long way and if anything you should be even more proud of yourself - you stopped before you did any major damage, you came back here and you’re ready to move forward again.

You will always be a huge inspiration for me Castle and I have the utmost respect for you… and I know this is probably no consolation to you, but you coming on here and admitting your slip has made me even more vigilant of the dangers of going back and for that I thank you.

I know you will get through this period and you will be stronger for it!

Stay strong mate,

Lmm

I'm sorry to read your last post but like everyone has said before me you've done great stopping before any real damage is done and that shows a lot of strength as does coming on here and opening up and being honest about it. You'll be fine, you know you've done wrong and you know you won't be doing it again, keep strong, get through the hard times that are ahead and your life will improve ten fold. 2013 can be your year.

Hi Castle,

I am so sorry 2 read about ur slip, it takes alot of strength 2 come back here and admit it so I am really proud of u.... U have been going thru such a tough time recently.... I really hope u r ok and that u r being kind 2 urself. I know it is easier said than done but u r a gr8 guy Castle, u have supported me and so many others thru the good and the bad!

I have so much time 4 u and alot of respect 4 u. Ur diary is inspirational. Look after urself Castle, u matter 🙂

We r all here 4 u if u need us 🙂

Take care x

Thank u everyone for ur support its much appreciated it came as no surprise as u guys are amazing , I know it can be really difficult to post on someones diary after a relapse finding the right words to say

I had 4 bets in total 3 lost 1 won but was still down overall the last one was the one that made me realise one team letting me down late on that brought all the old feelings flooding back goin to bed feeling low not sleeping well and then waking up with the realisation of what I had done

The money was low stakes but it was still fueling my addiction which should never happen for a compulsive gambler , for a while now iv been wanting lo test the theory if I could av a controlled bet then to win or lose with no affect hoping in a way that I could be cured

Been totally honest which I will hope will help others this started bout 3 weeks ago , on my diary recently I av not mentioned been gamble free just said I was staying strong in my recovery , it started on the Saturday after comin back on holiday I was off on my own so I placed a bet at a bookies I hardly ever used not too far away put 5 pound on a football bet and it lost to be honest it had no affect had no urges to bet afterwards , the following Saturday I did the same again lost , but then the urges started to come and had a bet midweek that won put me bout ten up at this stage the urges were gettin stronger and stronger got to Friday and put a bet on Friday night match and Saturday but this totaled 20 this lost , so the pattern was emerging the bets were more frequent and the stakes were gettin higher , in my mind all the time I was tellin myself u know what gambling does to u and where it will lead u to a life of misery

As I said before I contemplated not sayin anything on here mostly through the shame of having to admit to a relapse but I always knew the only person it would affect was me so I knew it had to be done to be honest again it doesn't feel that bad it's a relief to get it out no more lies

So believe me if anyone is tempted in thinkin u can av one bet thinkin it won't hurt then seriously think again it will lead to disaster , once that 1st gamble is placed the psychological affects is devastating it will eat and eat away at u and once embedded in ur system it will take some shifting

Hopefully I will learn from this I say hope as I know there's still some tough times ahead and will av to be strong , longterm I know I will be fine there's no way I will go back to a life of misery , short-term I av took a knock and still vulnerable and will av to be careful , posting this and been open will help me

No need to test the theory which the answer was obvious anyway and tie that in with dealing with the problems I av and facing up to them I can get through the next few weeks

Thank u all once again for the support it gives me the strength to keep fighting

Yo,

My dear dear friend ,

Bas'tard addiction ayyyyeee.

At the end of the day we are addicts , and sometimes no matter how hard we try it can get the better of us , there are plenty on here who are testament to that and many many more who have been a hares breath away .( including myself) It's really important so listen up here , that you do not give the addiction more strength by beating yourself up, cause you know as well as I do , give this addiction an inch it will take a mile !

So if you get to read this before you go to sleep, please see it as a lesson and that's it , and carry on fighting .

If you get this is the morning , say bog off negative thoughts, it's happened it's done and I will fight my damdest to stop it happening again. That's all we can do fight , fight and fight sometimes we loose the battle but we will never give up fighting to win the war .

Please be kind to you honey ,

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Castle, I'm not going to say I hope your ok and sorry to hear you relapsed because I really think something positive came out of the experience. I'm not advocating to everyone here that's it's ok to have an occasional flutter because for the vast majority of us it simply isn't. Yet I'm sure that there will be times when each and every one of us is tempted with the quiet urge to have a little harmless bet, something we believe we can control. This must have niggled at you for some time, like an itch you can't scratch. I know what that 'thought' is like, it just keeps cropping up and up. So you ran with the thought for a couple of weekends and it felt ok until you began to feel the true power of our compulsion kick in. Yet you had the strength to pull out in time, cut your losses and get back on track. Furthermore you can put that lying thought to bed now, you realise that there is no such thing as a harmless bet. This lesson will be invaluable to you and all those who read your brave post for we too have been given an insight into the reality of being an addict for life and how we cannot compromise this reality for a second. You're stronger for this not weaker, all that is important now is today and to some extent tomorrow, take care, be positive, keep strong.

Steve

Castle youve nipped it in the bud early thank God maybe its time 4 you to get some blocks in place but thats your call

Really glad youve got straight back up on the horse

wer all only of it today castle first person up in the morning is the longest off it

take care

Woke up this mornin feeling really positive and ready to fight the day ahead , unfortunately it's turned into a nightmare

After a good start got a text bout 9 from ex sayin my daughter who was goin to a friends after school was now not goin due to a mix up on my part , I had arranged to meet my friend from work and spend the afternoon and evening with her , has this is all hush hush for all the obvious reasons I lied and said I was working late now so he's sister said she would pick daughter up from school so felt real guilty for that , in the meantime I had texted my friend the night before and admitted to her bout my relapse got no response from her so that was on my mind so we spoke and had a massive bust up but not to do with the gambling but where our relationship was goin or not goin for a better sayin in a way in the end my admission to my relapse gave her more excuses to not commit to anything , finished work bout half two phoned her sister and said I would pick daughter up from school as it was bouncing it down but she said it was ok as she was more or less on her way so didn't argue as it was messing her bout anyway

This is where the real problem starts , the football bet I won I had not picked up for bout 30 quid the plan was to quickly pick it up and self exclude at the same time whilst on this I put content lock on my phone today and the only way for me to get it off is by goin in the t mobile shop , by the time I got to the bookies I was mentally not in a good way I picked my bet up and just stood for ten mins it was bout 3 and had arranged to pick my daughter up at 4 , the door was bout 4 foot away could I get through it no I couldn't the 30 quid went plus ten I had no me by this stage I had lost the plot the real me of the last 8 months had gone went to cash machine and blew another sixty on reckless betting on horses and dogs had no control powerless to act on any instinct , left picked on daughter up and went back to flat numb tryin to be happy for my daughter

Only now am I tryin to make sense of todays events I applied no rules no thought went there with money bank card a real recipe for disaster , tryin to work out where to go from here just spoke gamcare for chat and advice , ultimately it's down lo me to sort this out , the hundred quid is a massive set back but as long as there's no more gambling I can just bout manage

I can't keep makin excuses for what has happened I need to stand tall take this on the chin and somehow find my old self of the last 8 months , how and when I don't know at this moment in time

What I do know is I will update daily be honest on how I feel and get through this somehow , I am goin to phone up for extra counselling and also swallow my pride and self exclude this time I will take no money or card with me

Once again thanks for all the support in time I will get back to u all , all I ask is please don't feel sorry for me and my circumstances yes it is hard but that's no excuse at the end of the day I made that decision and chose to gamble , I made my bed and now I will lie in it

In the end though I will be the one standing tall that I do know

You made your choice.

You know it was the wrong one.

Of course, I feel sorry for you.

I have done this too many times in the past.

I know how you feel.

But you made the choice.

Now learn from it.

Stay strong...

NT

Hi castle , you sound like you have learnt something from this already its not a mistake just another lesson for you which will make you stronger this time. Put the blocks in place and move on dont dwell on this it happened and its gone. 2013 is still your year , your still here fighting and that little bit wiser to this addiction. Keep going mate go easy on yourself. Take care. Blondie x

Hey castles. Your eloquent post describes the dangers we face every day. You're right to feel disappointed with yourself. We all do when we make the wrong choices. Thing is it is done and nothing can change that. The best we can do is use it as a tool for the future.

If it were me, I would defo want to consolidate the relationship with your friend and help her understand the challenge that you face with the addiction. The honesty is the key thing. It doesn't give us the right to expect her to come to you but you can sleep easier knowing that you did the right thing in sharing the most personal part of your life with her.

Wishing you all the best

J

Yo,

I do not feel sorry for you, I stick by what I said yesterday . This addiction will do everything in its power , use every trick in it book , hit us when we are vulnerable , convince of un truths , it is sneaky , it is has an iq greater than us put together .

And all we can do is fight ! I am proud of you for putting in additional blocks , your phone , and the extra counciling . I know it was something you did not want to do , you will come back from this . Cause you my friend are a fighter , I thank you for your honesty , I thank you coming back, as I read on here earlier we are a flip of a coin away from being in the same place .

So no I do not feel sorry for you , but I am sad for you , cause I can only imagine how you are feeling right now , believe we care but also believe I for one am sure that I speak for everyone who reads your thread , I only have respect for you , my dear dear friend .

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Dig deep my friend, don't allow gambling to rob you of another second of your time or a pound of your hard earned cash. You've been through so much lately, so much emotional turmoil. It passes believe me, it gets better. Just ride it out, don't look for comfort or distraction in the form of gambling, we all know it doesn't work. I believe in you Castle, I believe that you're bigger, wiser and stronger than this illness. Protect yourself and take care.

Steve