reborn on the 4th July

Yo,

I did have a little chuckle to myself at your post on mine this morning. But not for the reasons you think

See I do not get paid for working in the shop, we live above it. It pays most of the bills which is good and a small wage for my husband Its only small. So wages and coffee and biscuits

When can I start lol

As for snuggling up and enjoying quality time with our daughters well as the advert says ....PRICELESS 🙂

Roll on next Saturday . ............ Can not wait ..

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Hi Castle thanks for your kind words. I'm glad that what I said helped you in some way, I'm glad because when I first came to this site you were there to offer me sound advice and encouragement. If I've repaid that in any way then I'm glad.

Take care, keep strong, Steve.

Great post Castle. So glad that you read back through your diary so you can see clearly the huge strides you have made during this journey. Yes, you encountered a little bump in the road, but you got back up, dusted yourself off and are carrying on this fight.. kudos to you mate!

Love reading your posts to the newcomers.. makes me remember how much help you gave me at the start and what a great boost it was.. so thank you to you too!

Keep going Castle.. 2013 can and will still be your year.. I have every faith in you 🙂

Take care,

Lmm

Hey castles. Superb to read that you've got xmas sorted. You can really make some plans now and look forward to making the day special!

2012 isn't over yet. I've got a really testing time this month and found myself saying "It's been a cr ap year - can't wait for 2013". It's nonsense really. Life can start tomorrow if I pull my socks up. I'm about the same age as you - I shouldn't be wishing my life away. Thanks for sharing your diary. It's an honour to see glimmers of reality that can be so precious and thought provoking.

Sorry for waffling

J

Been over a week since my moment of madness and now feel I'm gettin back on track , been honest and just tellin it how it was helped me believe me I didn't want to just had to swallow my pride I knew it could help others as well as myself if I gave every detail and emotion on how my relapse started and ended

It has made me stronger and will def help me in the future as that event is now installed in my brain , when posting on other diaries it gives me no greater pleasure to see people been gamble free on their journey even with my own doings I feel no envy just pride for them , I do get the impression that people live in fear of relapse and dread goin back to day 1 I know I did the shame of giving in not been strong enough to av to say the words I relapsed but I really don't see it goin back to day 1 , I gambled from 16 to 42 nearly every day that was my life I knew no different , day 1 for me will alway be the day I admitted my addiction and sought help , that was a year ago now I look back then my life was in pieces living at my brother in laws with no independence financially I couldn't afford to live on my own still paying half the mortgage 2 big loan repayments paying rent to my brother in law not knowing what the future held gambling every day more than ever hiding the pain lookin desperately for that big win to try and get me out of this mess , I wouldn't say I hit rock bottom but I was goin in that direction dark thoughts entering my mind I knew I was putting myself into an early grave if I carried on

Not knowing which way to turn I went on the net and just typed in help with debt found a site typed in some details with in 2 mins someone was ringing me and said they could lower my loan repayments by a 3rd saving me bout 300 a month they explained all the details the key ones been it would take bout ten years to pay off ruin my credit rating admittedly learned since then it will take bout 6 years for that to get really better they didn't pressure me just said think bout it and we will ring u in a few days I was very wary of all this I would be paying 150 a month which 120 to bank and 30 for them to manage my debt plan I phoned national debt line to check them out then were ok but was told they do free debt plans if u av 3 different types of debt which I hadn't just the 2

This was the biggest decision I had to make I really didn't want to do it I had never missed a payment all my life even with gambling I managed my account so well , I knew I had to do it to get my life back this was my chance to turn my life around and I want goin to blow it , I got my flat which I love so much 525 a month financially though I was still suffering paying the ex 310 into a mortgage that was dead money in the end after paying everything out I had bout 200 left a month and had to put petrol in car and buy food luckily I still had 2 grand out of the 4 my parents had given me no surprises the other 2 was spent on gambling

In the next year I managed with what I had the 2 grand slowly but sensibly dwindled down apart from my relapse last xmas costing me to the tune of 300 fortunately I got a bonus at work of just under 2 grand which sensibly I used to pay for my divorce put 1500 up front by bout September all my money had dried up and was still paying the mortgage on Thursday I pay 150 to the ex then no more for mortgage so in the end since we split 2 and half years ago I av said her 310 a month into a house which I got nothin from financially through the divorce

My life will now change from a financial point of view I will be able to survive its still goin to tight but the relief will be massive it's another step in the right direction the divorce will be through in bout 8 weeks another step , this now just leaves work and my relationship with my work friend which will be sorted soon for now on that front I'm powerless to do anything so not stressing takin it one day at a time and makin the right decision for me

To summarise my longest post ever my recent relapse does not make me go back to day 1 and nor should it for anyone else my life is so different now so much better and only I av done that by makin the right decisions in life by choosing not to av gambling as a part of my life yes it got me a couple of times but I can see the light and over the next comin months it will only get better only by me makin that right decision and def by putting myself 1st

Yo,

What a great post, really shows how far you have come.

I agree with you ,with not going back to day one , and most definitely not seeing a relaps as failure.

If look at recovery as a road we are travling as many of us do . A relapse is one step back , if nipped in the bud quickly . Not a one way ticket back to the start .

I hope as you wrote that in black and white , you could feel some pride in how far you have come , because its a long way . I know that it defo gave me food for thought on my own journey , and for that I thank you .

You know my dear dear friend , I have great hopes for both our lives , almost wished I had a crystal ball and could see where we will both be in a year or two .

So for today we will both take a few more steps along the recovery road , safe in the knowledge that just for today we will not gamble , and that I recon for today is enough .

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Good Morning Castle,

An inspirational post. Thank-you so much! -joanxx

What a great post castle, full of self awareness, full of lessons you have learnt, full of progress you have made, full of humility and acceptance of what is.

I wouldnt call that a failure because you slipped castle I would call that progression my friend.

Keep up that positive outlook your heading towards the light.

Take care

Blondie

hi castle

carl

Hi Castle,

Thank u 4 ur kind words on my diary. It means alot 🙂

Ur last post made me smile, u have been thru so much on this journey. U r such a strong person. I have so much time 4 u Castle 🙂

U r a gr8 dad and I know that wotever time u spend with ur little girl at Christmas she will be happy and have lots of precious memories. U r doing brilliant!

Stay strong x

Castle,

Love reading your posts and that last one was defo one of the best. Your journey is a best seller with a happy ending just around the corner. I love your philosophy regarding relapsing and not going back to Day 1. This is an area where I would love to improve because I am defo an all or nothing type of guy. This has always been my problem. When I am motivated nothing will stop me but if I fail once I will return to my old ways.

Glad to see those other mortgage payments come to an end soon and hopefully this will offer you a little more financial freedom.

Wishing you well.

Tomso.

Full of positivity tonight and thanks for beefing my spirits. We're on a similar path mate and, I sense you are in a good place right now. Sure, the year hasn't been great but you're dealing with it and making good things happen. We CAN make our own opportunities and I get a lot of joy in reading your good news and positive outlook despite the recent slip.

Rudyard Kiplings poem 'If' makes me think of you. Please google it if you don't know it - it is inspirational and I thank you for being so on these forums.

Cheers

J

Thanks for taking the time to read my post - greatly appreciate your words of wisdom. I hope all is well at your end!.

Thanks again

hey castle..

Just a flyer to say that I think you are doing great and give so much support on here despiite haviing you own challenges....

hugs

R and D xxx

Yours is the world my friend and everything in it....(from the poem If")

Having a good week off so far done plenty of chilling and feel really relaxed , had my friend round a few days which has been nice , she's read my diary and now understands a little better bout my addiction and importantly knows the effort I am putting in , the future will be what it will be she knows my plans so that's now up to her , the downside of today though she received a phonecall from work whilst with me and found out we had a visit whilst iv been off and basically ripped my store to pieces which is bout right at the moment as iv mentioned work is so hard at the moment , I honestly don't what they expect when we av had to lose 5% of our staffing levels each week which is bout 35 hours a week , but tryin not to stress which is somethin I always do I can't do anything at the moment not back at work till Sunday

Surprisingly had a few urges this week I say this has feel so strong after relapse it just goes to show with this illness u can never get complacent , off to see counsellor tomorrow which will help got a long day tomorrow as my daughter is goin to play with a friend after school

Today I made all the right choices and chose not too gamble I'm still takin my life one day at a time and enjoying the day and dealing with what I can what I can't will wait for now